"healing" FA attachment issues

I will add this flavor however....and that is...people are not trees or doors.....there is a 2 person interaction at play and although the ultimate goal is to know yourself....there is another step of having self compassion that needs to take place.  

As an AP leaning FA...I think for many APs, part of becoming secure is finally being able to be “pissed” and “angry at” “the other”....after years, decades even of taking the entire burden on “self” because it was not ok to be angry at “other”....finally having a space to explore that I think is actually useful.  Where it becomes damaging is when the anger at other stops there and doesn’t progress to a curiosity of self/past wounds/motives etc.  Put another way...being stuck in other blame is simply the flip side of self blame....both keep someone stuck in an insecure pattern.

To get to a space of having everything be just “is”...requires a whole lot of layers of work...acknowledging and releasing shame...acknowledging and forgiving/releasing (not forgetting) others.   It is a process.

This was directed more for the people who are lurkers.

I will 3rd that statement from introvert. Very astute reasoning on your part and I concur. Also with pretty much everything that simon said. I was getting at something like that in my comment about finding self reflection to be a really attractive quality in people I meet these days. Although I said it much less eloquently than you guys lol.


One additional thing I will add from personal experience. Even a generally well aware individual can become at least somewhat mindless when they are triggered/under threat and the amygdala shuts down rational thinking. I think this is very relevant to attachment styles.



I would also like to expand on what tnr9 said in regarding people not being trees and doors etc. I believe you are very correct in saying the suffering comes from the meaning we assign to others behaviour. But during my quest for self improvement I have found it quiet invalidating when I read that this is an incorrect, wrong or false stance. And it's something I am really struggling to let go of. As much as I want to.



My belief is that because we are social beings, assigning meaning to others behaviour seems entirely valid. But of course very painful. And I'm open to being proved 'wrong' (and hope to be!).



Other peoples behaviour toward you seems like a valid indication of your social value, a tree's behaviour toward you is not. We are social animals, how else are you supposed to work out where you are in the pecking order of society? How valuable you are to society, and therefore more likely to able to stay safe, get your needs met, have better access to mates etc. Now I don't mean the behaviour of “one” individual person should be taken as gospel, but if you are consistently rejected, abandoned and taken for granted etc.



I think what I'm trying to say is not that we ASSIGN the meaning of others behaviour erroneously, but that it often HAS legitimate meaning. In other words the meaning is not just internal, but has external consequences.



Please, poke holes in my train of thought. I am certainly aware that there are layers I am missing, And I respect your input.

Krolle, I would disagree in that the MEANING we assign from others behavior often has legitimate meaning. I would say it's less than 99% of the time, because it is just our story we create to make sense of our feelings, which often are simply (unaware) emotional flashbacks from previous times, through a filter created from past experience and past trauma.

Furthermore, if you are "constantly rejected, abandoned, taken for granted"... then it would be important to question if this was really happening, versus you FEELING like you were rejected, abandoned, taken for granted. And if it was truly happening, then again... I would assume that you were living UNconscious behavior to re-enact past trauma (repetition compulsion) to put your self in those positions on purpose, so the responsibility is on YOU.

And this is why I mention integration and individuation. Because that helps solve these 2 major problem of human experience, which are FIRST that the meaning we give and feel suffering from is because (99.99% of the time) of past trauma and experience that are unresolved and we are bringing into the present and have nothing to do with current reality of the other person, and SECOND that we integrate the unconscious and live in alignment with consciousness so that we end unconscious patterns of putting ourselves into unhealthy dynamics and having them play out in a form of repetition compulsion (or self sabotage). And please realize, that these 2 problems, are really just an attempt to change other people, which in our mind we hope changes how WE FEEL. That's the end goal, to change HOW WE FEEL and feel better. And that's our error, is we are trying to improve HOW WE FEEL by changing OTHER PEOPLE. See how silly that is? We are putting the "locus of control" on others, in order to comfort ourselves, thinking that CHANGING OTHER PEOPLE will solve our uncomfortable feelings inside of us. So the real path to healing these 2 mechanisms is to minimize the "meaning" we give to things about our own value, and stop the behaviors and patterns that put us into situations that cause these unhealthy dynamics to be repeated over and over, like the classic anxious-avoidant dance.

And the other benefit, is that we create strong self-agency, which enables strong HEALTHY boundaries. Which means we can see others for who they are, accept that fully, not take anything personally (meaning) but ALSO have a strong boundary to cut them out of our life if they are unhealthy for us. Just because we can stop giving something "meaning" does NOT mean that we are passive and allow ourself to be around toxic or abusive or unhealthy behavior.

Even for a very enlightened and conscious soul, it is still important to CURATE your experience and your "tribe" of quality people that you surround yourself with throughout life.

So...self compassion to me is being my own best friend.  How do you treat someone who is your best friend?  For me...I am  there for the person when she needs me, i give her grace when she make mistakes, I don’t judge...I listen, I have her back, I plan fun experiences with her.  

I have only recently come out of being other focused and owning myself and it is still new...but sooo very freeing. I can see my mom as her own flawed person and I no longer swirl in trying to win her approval.  

As far as dating goes....I have dated 7 men total.  My longest relationship was 3 years...my shortest was 10 months.  I am taking a break at the moment while I focus on my healing.

Apologies in advance for my long replies. I tend to not log on for several days in between posts and reply en masse when I do. I love reading all the great material when I do come back though. Some really great debates going in this thread. I hope my writings are of value to everyone else too.