Post by alexandra on Aug 24, 2021 19:11:45 GMT
We've talked a bit about my BPD experiences already, and I had to just leave the friendship after many years once she'd run out of other people to abuse (because they all left) and turned it on me. But I had the added help of us no longer living anywhere near each other so all the outreach was ways I could block and it hopefully remains very unlikely she'd show up in person. Though I wouldn't entirely put that possibility out of the question.
I don't think you're a narcissist. I think you very textbook have an FA attachment style. I can see someone with BPD lashing out with those accusations though, because when I was AP and trying to learn to stand up for myself in toxic FA interactions that I did not yet understand, I questioned if I was experiencing narcissistic abuse. But having actually experienced that from a family member, it didn't fit. And I didn't accuse the person, but he told me in a different context one day that he had been accused of it before.
It's much easier said than done, especially when you have an insecure attachment style, but this is a situation where you need to not listen to what she says, let it go in one ear and out the other. I know how challenging it is when you already question yourself, but everything she's saying is a defense mechanism colored by her own condition and isn't about you. Rationally, you do already know that from prior BPD experiences. But trust yourself and the work that you've been doing that you get to define yourself and she's not a reliable source. Continued gray rocking is the best because she will get bored and find another target, even though she will periodically come back and try again. Mine still tries sometimes years later and it wasn't romantic. You need to try to ignore the words and venom when that happens and not take it to heart. You're already doing what you can to examine the parts of you you're not happy with, she doesn't get to tear you apart when her thinking is dysfunctional and distorted. Just because she's undoubtedly loud about it doesn't mean she's right or constructive about it even if she does have a point or that she's not running an old script of how she sees you which isn't how you really are.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Don't be hypervigilant that your new date is BPD, it's actually quite rare. Just keep an eye out for inconsistency in words and actions, and that should be enough to gauge without going overboard on getting distracted by mistrust while getting to know new people.
I don't think you're a narcissist. I think you very textbook have an FA attachment style. I can see someone with BPD lashing out with those accusations though, because when I was AP and trying to learn to stand up for myself in toxic FA interactions that I did not yet understand, I questioned if I was experiencing narcissistic abuse. But having actually experienced that from a family member, it didn't fit. And I didn't accuse the person, but he told me in a different context one day that he had been accused of it before.
It's much easier said than done, especially when you have an insecure attachment style, but this is a situation where you need to not listen to what she says, let it go in one ear and out the other. I know how challenging it is when you already question yourself, but everything she's saying is a defense mechanism colored by her own condition and isn't about you. Rationally, you do already know that from prior BPD experiences. But trust yourself and the work that you've been doing that you get to define yourself and she's not a reliable source. Continued gray rocking is the best because she will get bored and find another target, even though she will periodically come back and try again. Mine still tries sometimes years later and it wasn't romantic. You need to try to ignore the words and venom when that happens and not take it to heart. You're already doing what you can to examine the parts of you you're not happy with, she doesn't get to tear you apart when her thinking is dysfunctional and distorted. Just because she's undoubtedly loud about it doesn't mean she's right or constructive about it even if she does have a point or that she's not running an old script of how she sees you which isn't how you really are.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Don't be hypervigilant that your new date is BPD, it's actually quite rare. Just keep an eye out for inconsistency in words and actions, and that should be enough to gauge without going overboard on getting distracted by mistrust while getting to know new people.