Progress

I'm really sorry you had to go through what you did with a verbally abusive alcoholic. That must have been incredibly difficult. But I'm glad things seem to be improving all the time with you these days. it's inspiring to read and I browse most of your posts, even if I just lurk on some. And yes there is a lot of overlap between autism and HSP, you're right!

I'm a 'closet' HSP. And it's a really sensitive subject actually. But yes like you, the realization of it a very eye opening experience.

Allow me to elaborate. I apologize in advance. You may have opened the flood gates on this one. But I hope it offers you some insight into the world of a male HSP. And how coping strategies can shape a person's life. I hope it might make an interesting read. I'v been told in jest by friends I should write a book or something lol.

I am DELIGHTED you've shared, although I haven't read it yet as I'm off to my day. But had to pop in and say thank you for sharing about yourself and your experience as a Malle HSP. I am curious to see if our stories are similar at all.
Can't wait to read it, and I'll respond later today.

Share your story with me

I shall!

So, I was born sensitive into a family dynamic that created a bunch of avoidantly attached individuals. What a doozy.

Naturally, the signs of my sensitivity presented at a young age, and were likely noticeable and vexing to my parents before I was even aware. What I remember first torturing me was the texture of clothing, the tags, the fibers, the seams, the restriction. We were poor, and there never was a choice, I wore hand me downs. Some generous soul at the church provided me with a woolen pantsuit, complete with a buttoned vest and a woven shirt. I cried to wear it, but had to. I remember walking to school on a warm day in it, and poorly fitting shoes, and feeling despair.

To be honest, I don't know where avoidance ends and sensitivity begins, or vice versa. The two dovetailed to create a life of isolation and it still mystifies me, as I only recently identified the sensitive trait as A Thing. Before, I just had a vague feeling of not being able to be with The People in The Places doing The Things that people do, if you know what I mean. It's helps me get a grasp on it if I take the main issue of serious isolation and distinguish what is related to attachment (specifically in intimate relationships) versus what is related to social functioning and lifestyle. Avoidant traits blend well with HSP traits and I don't know if it's important to really analyze it, but I am still in discovery and trying to make sense of my life. However, I come back to the simplicity of the realization that I can answer these questions: What is going on with me right now this moment? What do I need, and what can I do about it. I can address both matters of avoidance and HSP by keeping that narrow focus. I am making great progress in becoming healthier and happier in those two realms, by keeping that narrow focus.

Back to my story, I found myself overwhelmed in many, many situations. School. Family. Home. Church (not religious, I chose my way out of that.) My mother was an insensitive woman, and looking back I can see she obviously created a hard shell around her, to cope with what her situation was in her life. She was very disparaging of emotion. She was disparaging of other women, as well, and prided herself on how she was not like them in terms of femininity, emotionality, etc. She was an intellectual type, an Enneagram 5. Her response to my sensitivity was to condemn it, criticize, show exasperation, and pigeonhole me. She often told me I was too sensitive (when I responded negatively to her criticism, when I complained about something, when I cried.) She repeated the phrase "You're difficult to love, you've always been, Introvert." I internalized all that of course, and avoidance helped me cope, and was also developed to some extent, by this lack of nurture and acceptance.

My solace was in nature, we lived in the country. I spent a vast amount of time by myself out in the fields, woods, streams, or just being with our livestock. I loved a very busy inner life as a child, often caught in fantasy. I loved books, reading, learning. I poured myself into books and they were like food and hugs. As I grew up, I felt awkward and as an outsider, although I was popular with my peers. I had a fakesuit on, in some ways. I hammed it up and was a class clown, and it was I guess to let everyone know I am just fine, nothing is upsetting to me. I think this was a way to cope with my parents divorce, and every other thing. Being isolated was only survivable to a point and at some point I needed people and laughter around me, instead of criticism and isolation and shame. I was an actor, in a group. But interestingly, HSP was manifesting in one on one situations, or quiet groups. The ability of a sensitive person to develop a deep understanding of something rather quickly, even spontaneously, was something my friends valued in me. I was often sought out for advice or my assessment, and my friends called me the Counselor.

As I grew, I found relationships that recreated my original scenario. I found partners that were unable to accept me, who needed me to be something and someone different. I chose partners that would be continually disappointed, exasperated, and critical. As a child, my coping mechanism with the sensitivity was to shove it down, not acknowledge it and to suffer as silently as I could so as to avoid calling attention to myself. Also, to spend time alone. As an adult, I found that I could go away, I didn't need to endure so much of I didn't go to the Places to do the Things, with The People. So I did the opposite, I shrank my world. The avoidant narrative had a lot of traction here. I am best alone. Relationships are not important. I take care of me, you take care of you. I am needless. I am NOT vulnerable. I do not need you, and I cannot be understood by you. I don't care! This could have been helpful if I had been trained in the art of self care, but instead, I denied my self, and didn't offer the nurturing I was lacking all around. I just became isolated.

I've spent a lot of time on the outside looking in, or on the outside looking away, alone in a crowd and alone one on one. I did develop a peace about it though. My thought was that I was just one of those people meant to be alone- in another life I'd have been a monk, a mad scientist, a hermit woman in a shack in the woods making medicine, that person who embraced a life of solitude and quirked the hell out of it until I die. Ha.

So, I have a bubble I live and move around in, it's only more recently that I've begun to leave it at home. I'll get to that chapter in a bit- I have to move on with my morning and you and I know, I'm verbose. 😂

krolle, I know that's a lot of reading. I wanted to gently and in a friendly way, express some thoughts about your aversion to emotion. I get it. But I see some things I'd like to share.
Please take as friendly.
As I see it:
This aversion is not logical and is based on emotion itself- an emotional reaction to painful emotions.
It is not all emotion you have an aversion to, as there is a very wide spectrum of emotions that are beneficial and not just feeling states- emotions have a purpose and direct our action if experienced mindfully. Joy begets joy in ourselves and others, and can be very nourishing and inspiring. Anger can produce productive action, when empowered by conscious decisions. Shame has an evolutionary purpose, perhaps to guide humans in the way to conduct themselves in a healthy society, and avoid harm to others, guilt has the ability to spur one toward self reflection and commitment to correct harmful behavior. All emotions can become unhelpful and dysfunctional- or they can be productive. This is where the intellect comes in- using intelligence and courage to recognize and consider the source, and the potentials. Of course there is a great deal of physiological reactivity in emotion as well. But again, rational acceptance of that can lead to a rational response to that as well. This in my view is how rational thought and emotion can be integrated toward health and the best human life possible. Now, it's not simple, it's a life long process. But it's worth considering how your distaste for emotion might more accurately be described as a response to abuse and trauma, rejection and loneliness and shame. It's true strength to be able to accept and work with emotion, and it be driven to extremes by it. The world is not black and white, nor for us humans is it a matter of rationality and intellect vs emotions. The emotions are an intrinsic part of our nature that cannot be eradicated but must be accommodated and appreciated in a way that creates instead of destroys.

What I'm saying:

It's a fact that your physiology is not just wired for survival, fight flight freeze fawn. Part of your physical nature is the survival mechanism of connection and attachment. There is not a way to deny that and work against it without stepping into folly and ignorance. And we are more than animals surviving. The human experience is profound and to discount it is arrogance, in my view. I've done it. but it was fear and also who am I to think that my mind is superior to the greatest thinkers of all time? It's insecurity that drives us to extremes, not wisdom.

I saw this as someone who can relate but has come to place with it where it's all making sense to me. Painful as life can be, that's where it's at.