Progress

I have asked for a temporary break in my relationship after a stressful trip. The reason for this idea is because I have a lot of stressors right now concerning my health (lots of fatigue, hormone fluctuations) and personally I have some significant stressors. Learning that I am an HSP has been really transformational but also has brought about a need to proactively understand and address ways that I can make myself more comfortable. All of these things become more difficult when I'm trying to keep up with the relationship. I have felt a need for a very pared down routine, and lots of time to myself to rest, recover, and take good care of myself. My issues have put strain on the relationship, too- and there are things in my SO that he had so far failed to address in a truly meaningful way that brought about improvement in some of his behaviors especially during conflict.

So, I researched it a bit, whether a break can be healthy and helpful and what that should look like. I found a couple good articles and initiated the discussion about it with him. He took it pretty well, although I think it scared him. I truly have felt that I need to find some answers, for myself, for the relationship, and that I couldn't do that under the daily strain that had set in. Kind of like I have reached critical mass with the fatigue and it impacts my ability to see things clearly. I just need time out. So we agreed to take a break for a month and negotiated what we both need to feel secure in the relationship, and what we both would be working on personally to be able to bring more health and balance to the relationship.

Initially we were going to have little to no contact but I found that it led to intense deactivation in me. My negative thought patterns kind of took over and day by day I became less desirous of getting back together. My concerns about the relationship were mushrooming and I recognized this as a trap that tends to keep me isolated. If I read the deactivating thoughts of an avoidants I could check them all off. I got advice here, to pay attention to it all and that helped me to cat cry myself in the act of trying to talk myself out of the relationship. I don't think I would be happy to lose the relationship, and actually want to improve it. But deactivation as it's called is like quicksand.

Anyway, I called him and explained that the pessimism growing in me is something I'd rather address, than leave to steep and become stronger. Without feelings of attachment holding me back, I was actually able to express things that were behind the shutting down. I have real injuries here, real concerns that I needed to address with him. I recognize that some of the ways the relationship was hurting me were only able to materialize because of my own lack of boundaries, or too strong boundaries. My own failure to understand my self and my needs, and then a growing discontent and anxiety (I see avoidants as anxious, insecure people with a lot of interpersonal stress who have all kinds of Internal ways to cope instead of constructively addressing them. I see anxious as anxious, insecure people with a lot of interpersonal stress who have all kinds of External ways to cope instead of constructively addressing them. )

It was a very raw conversation. I knew it could have ended the relationship, depending on his response. But it felt very freeing. I advocated for myself in a way I don't think I have ever done- not in a relationship. I didn't attack him, but I was very open about my feelings and set some boundaries around behaviors (during conflict) that are a no-go for me. I did it all in a gentle but matter of fact way. I was crying at some points because the pain of it was very present and rather than shutting down I was able to be with it and speak. My self esteem has taken a hit in this relationship because of where he will go with his words during conflict. The blame he places on me in spite of my sincere attempts to be self aware and grow, has made me feel as though he thinks he is doing me a favor to love me and put up with me. I have felt scapegoated unfairly while he minimized his own contribution to the dynamic.

I was able to express all this without attacking and he was actually receptive. The look on his face showed me he really got it. I felt like I had a lot of integrity in what I was expressing. He admitted that his attention to his own destructive habits and behaviors has been insufficient, and he expressed a lot of respect for how I have made effort in the relationship. Instead of getting defensive and turning nasty in response to perceived criticism, he actually softened and seem to empathize with my emotional pain. At the beginning of the discussion I told him that I believe that neither one of us should tolerate one bit of disrespect or verbally aggressive behavior in this discussion and that may have brought him to more mindfulness, he seemed to be aware that damage has been done by that and halting it is the only way to move forward.

I feel like we made some real progress. I am open to hearing from him when he is ready to share the kinds of things that are painful and what he needs. He's working on figuring that out. We have set a good precedent for how we are going to interact about these things, finally.

After the talk I felt relieved and connected, and we spent some relaxing time together outdoors. We were able to return to the break as space thats safe and constructive, I don't feel all pessimistic now. In fact, I feel more optimism and like I can focus on taking care of my health and priorities without growing resentment and feeding a deactivation narrative. It's a very strong and persistent narrative I have been subject to my entire life.

Thanks to all who have been supportive and insightful here. It's really been helpful and I think has made me able to change some avoidant bits of myself. It's one thing to have a cognitive awareness of what it takes to be in a relationship (it makes sense reading it, doesn't it?) But to be able to recognize deep trends, and reverse them in the face of risk, and see the positive outcome, is pretty powerful.

It's still a process. But I do think it's real growth in the right direction. I feel calm and not like I'm avoiding and going into the Introvert Black Hole. And I do feel affection as I think about our day yesterday, instead of shutting down.