Hi introvet. Sorry it has taken me so long to respond to all the wonderful information you shared before. I hope you didn't take it personal after opening yourself up like that. I very much enjoy reading your posts and about your inner world.
I'm still really dealing with my own deamons and they have been haunting me bad this past week. So energy levels to interact with anyone have been very low.
Thank you so much for the emapthy about my story and your compliments. But the fact I have a lot of respect for you implores me to be honest with you and say I find a little discomfort in your compliments. There has always been something that feels false to me when I am complimented. I have a hard time accepting them.
Regarding what you said about exploring ones emotional landscape. Then that's a hard one to think about. I actually do think I feel emotion quiet strongly, I just resent displaying them in any way, or being “reactive”. And I also don't know often what they mean and can't identify what I'm feeling. But I also don't see the utility in “exploring” my emotions in any depth. I'm open as always to be convinced otherwise. It's just my opinion, and I highly value yours.
The problem I have with your proposition that our primary drive is to connect emotionally is that I find it to be situational and transitory. With the deeper drive being to cater to ever changing emotional needs, of which human connection is only one. For example, right now I'm feeling a very strong drive to connect with someone intimately, because I haven't for so long. I'm hungry for connection, and intimacy, and sex. But if I get into a situation where I find those things readily available again, in a short time I will take them for granted and wish instead for the solitude, autonomy and independence I have now. Perhaps that's more prevalent in me than you, being an FA versus DA, but you get my point.
I also want to highlight the gender differences between us. As much as I feel we have a lot in common, it would be naiive to completely discount gender. I do have some close friends I trust, But often its very uncomfortable for men to talk about feelings. And I don't just mean uncomfortable because of societal stigmas, I mean physically uncomfortable, it feels wrong somehow. And I don't think it gives us the same sense of satisfaction as it does most women, though that's of course conjecture on my part. As Anne rightly pointed out in one of her posts somewhere on here, men get a lot of relief from things that drive our testosterone up instead. The chest beating, the competition, the boisterousness and vulgar humour, vigorous physical activity etc, Those things make us feel alive and stave off depression. The difficulty of course in a relationship, is to balance that with being at least somewhat emotionally available to your partner, in order to help meet their needs too. And its something I am embarrassingly poor at.
The thought of the woolen pantsuit alone made me uncomfortable lol. The child version of introvet looks like quiet the sorry sight in my imagination. My thoughts are with her lol.
Interesting point about avoidance and sensitivity being related. I suppose it depends on how you coped/ embraced that sensitivity, and how those around you did too which dictates how it manifests. I could imagine all attachment types being HSP's.
But I am certainly glad you are able to focus enough to see yourself becoming healthier and happier. It makes me happier to know you are getting there.
Your description of your mother sounds a lot like me. And I know we are hard to be around. So I apologize of behalf of all type 5's lol. Perhaps, she became that way because she herself was a HSP as a younger woman, but for one reason or another it wasn't acceptable and she grew to resent that which she considered one of her biggest flaws. It also makes me wonder what was different about your environment/ personality that made you adapt differently to her/me?
Your love of nature and literature/fantasy resonates hard with me. As does your being relatively popular at school, but also feeling somehow 'wrong', 'different' or like it was just an act. Though my own sensitivities were not sought in a counselling role as far as I can remember, they certainly are now lol. Perhaps a gender thing again?
The frustrations you feel about your partners needing you to be something different is very easy to understand. How nice it would be to just have someone accept you for the way you are, especially as an introverted avoidant. Is that a thing you have ever experienced?
I also felt the pain of your isolation. Avoidants are often much maligned for seeming self centred or narcassistic. And I imagine some might be. But I think many, such as yourself, are simply trying to protect themselves. But in the long term the withdrawal, isolation and unavailability are just as soul destroying for you as any of the other dysfunctional survival strategies. To think that someone is so scared of being hurt that they basically withdraw from human connection for long periods is really sad to think about. The word isolation has a lot of 'weight' to it. I feel the pain of it. There's a part of me that just wants to give you a big hug and tell you that you are not alone and you are ok just the way you are.
I am living your alternative life, I basically am a hermit or something lol, or a mountain man, or wanderer (insert eccentric loner metaphor lol) It's not all its cracked up to be! I'm actually quiet substantially jealous of your relationship. It seems sometimes troubled, but hopeful. And always improving.
Verbosity is appreciated in present company
I have plenty to say about the other things you had to say, But I'v already used up my concentration quota for the day engaging with the posts about your history. So I'll process what you said about your current self as I have the energy to do so.
krolle, Update as requested! I didn't want to redirect anne12's thread, so I'll put it here.
First, I signed off to focus on competition- I made a decision to limit screen time in favor of studying my sport, practicing, viewing training videos, etc etc. That has paid off and I'm advancing through the ranks and have leveled up to a higher division. It's a process to get to the level I aspire too, but I've made consistent progress and I am very pleased about that. Took a break from training to sit down and rest just now! Ha.
Second, the trip that my boyfriend and I made recently was excellent! We have had a bumpy road with traveling together, in part because of personality differences and in part because I had been traveling with unmitigated sensitivity. We partnered on this trip in a way that was wonderful for both of us. So, steps forward there and again, I'm very happy about the improvements. I feel content and peaceful in the relationship, all around.
Third, and this is super cool.... last I was here I suggested that uou find a gal who would learn to sail with you, and now it turns out I am going to learn to sail! Haha! My boyfriend bought a sailboat in the Great Lakes area, and we will be spending long weekends out there during the warm weather to sail around. Eventually the plan is to motor out the Erie Canal and down the east coast to the Carribean in increments. So, adventure awaits.
I have been doing a lot of meditation and reading of the philosophy I follow. I've been dedicated to returning to the self care I practiced before the relationship, before the pandemic... I've made a return to my previous habits but only the best ones. I don't live like a hermit anymore, and that's the gift that the relationship and the newfound awareness of HSP has given me.
So. All is well at the moment and I'll take it. The "break" that my SO and I took, and the subsequent trial and error and commitment on both sides to grow and heal our dynamic has proven fruitful. Our conflict resolution has improved tremendously. That's been an effort on both sides.
I'm very aware of the seasons and cycles of life and so I can't take it for granted that difficulty won't return in some form or another, but the present is quite good.
I see from reading around a bit today that you're really delving into some things with the support of members here and that's great!