Question for AP... what is the need for reassurance?

jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1198/proactive-get-negativity-victim-role


jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38464


Fear abandonment, even in ways that seem more minor. Ambivalents experienced inconsistent parenting, such that they were sometimes coddled and given lots of attention but then sometimes unexpectedly rebuffed or pushed away and even shamed for being "too needy" or "too much". They intuitively expect the other shoe to drop and expect to be rejected. This gets worse with commitment for the reasons mentioned above. Your partner may start reacting to you leaving, even if you are just running some errands, causing you to feel bewildered and frustrated.

Know that departures can be triggering for them and leave with an extra dose of love.
Let them know that you are going but will be thinking of them while you are gone and look forward to seeing them when you get back. Give them a hug before you leave. Send them a text (doesn't have to be fancy, a heart or smiley face will do) while you are out. Think of them as a kid who gets nervous when their mom or dad are suddenly unavailable. They need reassurance around both departures and reunions.

Can get prickly when you reunite after being apart.
Again this can be VERY confusing for their partners, who have no idea that the separation was stressful. They come home from running some errands to an ambivalent partner picking a fight. Remember that they fear you leaving and when you do they may feel a surge of anger at being left. Since they tend to have trouble letting go of the past they may think about this the whole time you are gone. Then when you get back, wham! they let you have it. THEY DON'T DO THIS CONSCIOUSLY OR ON PURPOSE. Please, please, keep this in mind. It is no picnic for them either. No one likes to feel upset, so if your ambivalent partner is being cranky or downright mad remember that what is underneath that is emotional pain. They are hurting.

One of the most fool-proof ways to soothe a ambivalent partner is to hold them. They usually melt under touch. They also tend to love eye-contact. So hold them, gaze lovingly into their eyes and tell them that they can depend on you to never abandon them. Let them know that you know that they don't like it when they are alone and tell them you missed them! This, along with a good warm hug, usually works wonders on a cranky ambivalent partner.

Can ramp up their emotional intensity, especially if you are avoidant. [/b]Remember the opposite styles amplify each other. So if you are avoidant, after marriage or deep commitment you will tend to move away a bit. This is likely to bring about protest behavior from your partner. It may be more clinging or it may be more frustration and accusations about how aloof you are. Or both. Try to remember that an ambivalent person is like a fussy baby. They make a lot of noise and you may be inclined to simply leave rather than deal with the fuss. But just like a crying baby they need your help, love and soothing. They tend to calm down MUCH faster than their partners think. So moving in, using touch, soothing words and eye contact can usually get an ambivalent person to get some emotional equilibrium pretty quickly.

Even if you are not avoidant your partner may get extra emotional after the deep commitment. Be prepared for this and don't blame them or tell them they are crazy. They are expressing their fear that you are not going to connect to them. Ambivalents need a lot of connection and get more dramatic and emotionally messy when they don't get sufficient connection. Sadly they often unconsciously drive people away with their "fussiness", depriving themselves of the connection they need to get calm again. So know this and help them. It will pay you back tenfold in that you will not only have a more calm partner but you will have a partner who is eternally grateful to you for knowing what they need and giving it to them. Like avoidants ambivalents are often misunderstood. Your job is to not fall into that trap, to know them and take care of them.

May "spoil" things you try to do for them. This one is bound to make you feel crazy but remember they are not doing it intentionally. They want to be happy, just like any person does. However, since they have a childhood history of having the other shoe constantly dropped they anticipate being disappointed. So if you do something nice for them they may just turn around and "spoil" it somehow. If you take them out to dinner they may complain about the restaurant. If you buy them a gift they may tell you it's not their style, or the wrong color, or whatever. While the natural reaction to this would be to tell them to take a hike, you need to remember that they are acting from childhood pains.

Tell them how much you love them and that you know they have been disappointed in the past. Tell them you don't want to disappoint them and you are open to hearing what they need from you. Don't take it personally when they try to spoil a gift or kindness. I know it's a tall order but you will be healing a deep and very painful wound from their childhood. Which is really, in my opinion, what marriage is all about. And that's a two-way street, so when you heal your ambivalents painful childhood issues they will do the same in return. And once wounds are healed you will see a lot less of this behavior, so it pays dividends forward.

Tend to respond with a negative a lot of the time. So if you propose a vacation to the beach they are likely to tell you the five reasons that's a bad idea.

Don't bite. Just let them know that you know that they tend to find "what's wrong with the picture" before being willing to see what might be right. Tell them you are going to overlook their first response and give them another chance. If your partner is good with humor, you can say something like "OK my beautiful nattering naybob of negativity, now that you have gotten all the no's out of your system, can we revisit the idea?". Then flash them a loving smile. When used with love and kindness humor can be a great way to re-boot an activated partner.

May get really preoccupied with being "too much" or "too needy". Remember that they had childhoods where people alternately showered them with attention and told them they were too much and rebuffed them. So they are naturally afraid of overwhelming people. Paradoxically this leads to a lot of anxiety, which can make them more emotional, more clingy and more negative. Which has the unintended consequence of making their parter get exasperated with them!

Be on the lookout for your partner feeling judged as too needy or overwhelmig. They may misinterpret signals like you looking away during a conversation or sighing when they tell you something they need. Be careful to let your partner know they are NOT too much for you and that you have no intention of leaving them. Help them feel safe and secure and you will find their anxity will actually diminish!

May have trouble ending an argument or letting it go afterwards. They have trouble with endings, even arguments! They may keep it going because closing up something feels in a way like loss. They may also hold on to hurts from the past to act as a bulkhead against being vulnerable towards you in the future, which they fear will be rewarded with more hurt!

Help your partner let go in an argument by reminding them that while there may be a part of them that tends to hang on, their body and mind deserve relief. Hold them tight at the end of a rough conversation and reassure them that if they let go they are not going to be setting themselves up for additional injury.

That is true…..but it is because of 1. A nervous system in overdrive and 2. A hyper focus on “the other” to regulate that nervous system.  I also want to throw in another possible cause that isn’t discussed which is low dopamine or serotonin.  My experience with being on an SSRI has been nothing short of game changing.  I was in therapy for decades with the needle moving millimeters before I started taking lexipro.  But back to the part you highlighted….yes….there is a hair trigger sensitivity that develops and when the nervous system is in overdrive the need to address that leads to quick responses based on emotion and very limited tools in the toolbox aka protest behaviors.  I think the best way to address this is to realize that the person is in the middle on a nervous system overload and to 1. Not take it personally and 2. Allow that person a chance to get the nervous system back into a calm state before any topics are discussed.  Therapy is also key because someone who is anxious needs an advocate that he or she can talk to who can help to add tools where appropriate.  
 

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38464/
😄

[/b]Remember the opposite styles amplify each other. So if you are avoidant, after marriage or deep commitment you will tend to move away a bit. This is likely to bring about protest behavior from your partner. It may be more clinging or it may be more frustration and accusations about how aloof you are. Or both. Try to remember that an ambivalent person is like a fussy baby. They make a lot of noise and you may be inclined to simply leave rather than deal with the fuss. But just like a crying baby they need your help, love and soothing. They tend to calm down MUCH faster than their partners think. So moving in, using touch, soothing words and eye contact can usually get an ambivalent person to get some emotional equilibrium pretty quickly.

Even if you are not avoidant your partner may get extra emotional after the deep commitment. Be prepared for this and don't blame them or tell them they are crazy. They are expressing their fear that you are not going to connect to them. Ambivalents need a lot of connection and get more dramatic and emotionally messy when they don't get sufficient connection. Sadly they often unconsciously drive people away with their "fussiness", depriving themselves of the connection they need to get calm again. So know this and help them. It will pay you back tenfold in that you will not only have a more calm partner but you will have a partner who is eternally grateful to you for knowing what they need and giving it to them. Like avoidants ambivalents are often misunderstood. Your job is to not fall into that trap, to know them and take care of them.

May "spoil" things you try to do for them. This one is bound to make you feel crazy but remember they are not doing it intentionally. They want to be happy, just like any person does. However, since they have a childhood history of having the other shoe constantly dropped they anticipate being disappointed. So if you do something nice for them they may just turn around and "spoil" it somehow. If you take them out to dinner they may complain about the restaurant. If you buy them a gift they may tell you it's not their style, or the wrong color, or whatever. While the natural reaction to this would be to tell them to take a hike, you need to remember that they are acting from childhood pains.

Tell them how much you love them and that you know they have been disappointed in the past. Tell them you don't want to disappoint them and you are open to hearing what they need from you. Don't take it personally when they try to spoil a gift or kindness. I know it's a tall order but you will be healing a deep and very painful wound from their childhood. Which is really, in my opinion, what marriage is all about. And that's a two-way street, so when you heal your ambivalents painful childhood issues they will do the same in return. And once wounds are healed you will see a lot less of this behavior, so it pays dividends forward.

Tend to respond with a negative a lot of the time. So if you propose a vacation to the beach they are likely to tell you the five reasons that's a bad idea.

Don't bite. Just let them know that you know that they tend to find "what's wrong with the picture" before being willing to see what might be right. Tell them you are going to overlook their first response and give them another chance. If your partner is good with humor, you can say something like "OK my beautiful nattering naybob of negativity, now that you have gotten all the no's out of your system, can we revisit the idea?". Then flash them a loving smile. When used with love and kindness humor can be a great way to re-boot an activated partner.

May get really preoccupied with being "too much" or "too needy". Remember that they had childhoods where people alternately showered them with attention and told them they were too much and rebuffed them. So they are naturally afraid of overwhelming people. Paradoxically this leads to a lot of anxiety, which can make them more emotional, more clingy and more negative. Which has the unintended consequence of making their parter get exasperated with them!

Be on the lookout for your partner feeling judged as too needy or overwhelmig. They may misinterpret signals like you looking away during a conversation or sighing when they tell you something they need. Be careful to let your partner know they are NOT too much for you and that you have no intention of leaving them. Help them feel safe and secure and you will find their anxity will actually diminish!

May have trouble ending an argument or letting it go afterwards. They have trouble with endings, even arguments! They may keep it going because closing up something feels in a way like loss. They may also hold on to hurts from the past to act as a bulkhead against being vulnerable towards you in the future, which they fear will be rewarded with more hurt!

Help your partner let go in an argument by reminding them that while there may be a part of them that tends to hang on, their body and mind deserve relief. Hold them tight at the end of a rough conversation and reassure them that if they let go they are not going to be setting themselves up for additional injury.
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I can appreciate the advice in this post and have implemented a number of responses, simply out of trying to make things smoother. But, only to a point. Like alexandra has said, it's only really going to work if the anxious partner is doing work within themselves. For us, that's where my boundaries have come in.

It may be that traditionally AP are seen as mostly women, and I don't know the statistics. But the idea of me, as a woman, approaching an angry man with a hug in order to soothe him isn't necessarily good for me. He has got to be able to work with his own reactions and not just rely on me to comfort him when he's being unrealistic and a bit selfish about my attention. I have children, work, chores, that I take care of and traditionally as women, we seem to be the ones running around making sure everyone's needs are met. I care about the needs of my boyfriend but I don't need another child, so to speak. There are pressures in a day and to have an irritated man greet me when I'm returning from errands (I am running around taking care of needs!) is too much of a drain. It's not sustainable for me.

Now, it's true that he melts with affection, and I show him affection and do make sure to connect warmly before I leave him. I've learned that it's best to go to him immediately when I return and greet him with a kiss and hug, before I do other things, if I've been gone a while or it's the first time I'm seeing him for the days. But I learned that the hard way. I love him but I wish that the penalty for disappointing him wasn't as high as it's been at some points. It's true that everything can be fixed with a hug with him, but if I'm wrung out I don't necessarily have that to offer, under conflict. I've got my own nervous system to deal with at the moment. So these really are ideals to work toward but it takes internal work to get there if both partners are insecure.

The reason that our relationship has improved hasn't been because I've become codependent around his insecurity, which is what this almost sounds like (because there is no mention in this particular piece of writing about the anxious partner doing work with their own insecurity.) Our relationship has become significantly better by establishing my needs as a partner as well, and having boundaries, and both finally agreeing to work at our own issues.

I can definitely see how each partner can be coached to support the other's attachment style healing, and that's great. It really does help yo understand the needs of your insecure partner and I myself truly have compassion and the want to assist him. But there is that line in real life, for me, in which this can become walking on eggshells and putting his needs over my own to a degree that takes care of him, but doesn't consider my own personal needs. Sometimes it takes more than one partner trying and making the effort- sometimes meaning 100 percent of the time in my opinion 😬

I need to be greeted warmly also, I need my gestures to be received with appreciation, I need him to know that sometimes I have pressing concerns that I am working with and will naturally become withdrawn in order to sort out solutions, etc. It's all balance of course, which can only be had if two people are willing to grow and adjust and do whatever that requires, in order to take good care of their partner as well as themselves.

I So appreciate that you are coming from a place that is empathetic to he and I both! Thank you for that.

He likes to engage is his hobby in order to calm down, and it seems to work pretty well.  One thing I have found that I can do, that takes care of him and I both, is to reach out to him after a conflict that has devolved into anger.  What I tell him is that I would like for both of us to be able to extend kindness and compassion to the other before we take needed time out.  It's kind of a hug from afar, that demonstrates to him that I can forgive an outburst and recognize misunderstandings, and that I would like to part with that in mind instead of either of us feeling overwhelmed by negativity.  So it provides a safer distance, instead of distance that might provoke more negativity in either of us.

And, these episodes of the hostile bids for attention have decreased, in part due to his extension of empathy to my stress and needs, and in part to me going a little further to make sure he knows I care and look forward to his company.

I started this thread confused because he hasn't been able to actually voice needs for reassurance and those needs have manifested more in negative reactions to perceived slights.  So understanding this helps me know even more how to be sensitive while still creating the boundaries I need.  

I am an avoidant who has learned to provide consistent contact and in this relationship I truly enjoy and benefit from that.  I don't relate to everything that Thais Gibson says but she really hit the nail on the head pointing out that DA need consistency.  It's easy to get confused about that because on the surface, it appears only the DA is inconsistent.  But the roller coaster of AP emotion, both affectionate and prickly as described in posts above, is difficult to predict and cope with and does inspire retreat because it's frustrating, and can feel like attack and major inconsistency, and hopeless unavailability.  So it's really important for each partner to be able to recognize where they themselves are lacking in capacity to provide a safe and secure relationship, and work on that.

Im really thankful that my boyfriend and I are working on that together.  He is way more than his attachment style and I love him for a lot of reasons.  His attachment style when moving toward health is a good balance to my own.  If we aren't in health it's a shitshow but that's true of any couple. When we are moving toward health it truly is a great thing for both of us. Something we both need. 

I think it's very possible that as a masculine man, he feels shame about his needy behavior. I think that's why he blames me for being rude or dismissive in his eyes, instead of become vulnerable in that moment.  So I agree, it's best to let him calm down. 

I can see that it's the hug he needs, and like that other bit of info on the other thread... "He's pissed he didn't get the hug..." I could see myself saying to him "If you want a hug ask me for a hug and I'll give you one, but if you're cold and irritated with me it's hard to approach you."

Thats pretty in-line with how I tend to communicate, I'm fairly assertive but also basically kind.  I can work with him, definitely.  But the angry energy hurts and turns me off.  

Once he lets that pissed man-wall down he's like a big teddy bear.  He really does melt.  Interestingly, through this I can see where he is misinterpreting my need when I am the one that's ticked off.  He tries to soothe me wth a big bear hug and I bristle at contact when I need to calm down.  So it looks like he is possibly inadvertently showing me what he would need, by giving that to me.  He also likes a lot of eye contact when repairing and I still feel a little raw to lock eyes , although I see that is how he really tries to connect and show me his sincerity.  When we reconnect with a hug, for me the hug is enough, a long hug that I can gradually just relax into.  As I said, he moves every direction faster than I.  

Very interesting thread.  I will see what I can do to support him, me, and the relationship with this understanding of it all.  It seems we keep pushing the needle in the right direction.  I'm not sure what all his self-improvement processes look like, I don't pry into that too much.  But our shared loved of pursuits opens up discussions of meditation and mindfulness, as we both compete at the same (low physicality) sport.  During intense play stillness and concentration is needed and we have talked about mastering emotion during that kind of pressure.  Maybe it can have carry over here, it's interesting to consider.





Id push him into my sauna but he hates heat! We are so opposite it's hilarious. 😂