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Post by sarge72 on Jul 14, 2021 17:07:05 GMT
Hello all. I'm a 49yo, about to be divorced, male who discovered the various attachment styles a few years ago. I am definitely AP. It was a revelation to discover that I wasn't alone and that there was a name for how I feel and deal with relationships.
I'm in a newer relationship and struggling, at times, with my attachment. I now understand that this is my problem and that my GF hasn't really done anything that, in a secure person, would trigger insecurity etc. But it's still takes a TON of work, keeping myself from cycling, sometimes. I can't help but do that 'comparison thing' and beating myself up because I'm having these feelings.
I am in therapy, but the therapist isn't really familiar with attachment styles, etc. I'm going back on fluoxetine to try and help stop the cyclical thinking, so that I can get more focused. I've told my GF about this and she's been understanding, which is great. I've stressed that it's something I need to work on myself and that I'm not looking for her to fix me BUT do ask for some understanding and patience sometimes.
I'm SOOOO tired of feeling this way and putting "all of my happiness eggs" into one basket... as I call it. And not being able to focus on the positive - because there's a ton of positive.
I'm hoping this can be a place where I can vent, get help and support.
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Post by lovebunny on Jul 14, 2021 18:24:16 GMT
Welcome! I'm an AP female, 49. I've received lots of help from this forum, I think you will too. Do you have any specific behaviors/situations you want help with that you can think of? Or you can just read other people's posts, it will help you recognize yourself.
I'm in a relationship of 1 1/2 years that still causes me some anxiety, but less and less and time goes on and he stays steady and I survive the moments that trigger me. Good luck on your journey!
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Post by sarge72 on Jul 14, 2021 19:53:20 GMT
Thank you, lovebunny - I've read many of the posts over the last couple of days. Knowing you're not alone, in and of itself, is a help - ya know?
Since I'm very determined to become, at least, more secure... I've really been working on not immediately reacting to things that might trigger me. Say for instance, if my GF has to cancel or change plans. My default/initial reaction is usually an irrational one; where I project, guess or imagine some reason or motive for the change. I keep having to remind myself that any 'apparent' changes in behavior or something like a cancellation doesn't necessarily mean there's a problem. My GF is a mom of 2 young teens with 50/50 custody and a demanding job that requires she travel at least once a month. I actually welcome the challenge of her travelling as it will force me to make time for me; which is what I need more of.
I could go on for day.... as I'm sure people here could understand.
What does anyone do to help control these types of irrational thoughts that lead to the spiraling?
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 15, 2021 2:28:27 GMT
Thank you, lovebunny - I've read many of the posts over the last couple of days. Knowing you're not alone, in and of itself, is a help - ya know? Since I'm very determined to become, at least, more secure... I've really been working on not immediately reacting to things that might trigger me. Say for instance, if my GF has to cancel or change plans. My default/initial reaction is usually an irrational one; where I project, guess or imagine some reason or motive for the change. I keep having to remind myself that any 'apparent' changes in behavior or something like a cancellation doesn't necessarily mean there's a problem. My GF is a mom of 2 young teens with 50/50 custody and a demanding job that requires she travel at least once a month. I actually welcome the challenge of her travelling as it will force me to make time for me; which is what I need more of. I could go on for day.... as I'm sure people here could understand. What does anyone do to help control these types of irrational thoughts that lead to the spiraling? Hi and welcome….I tend to lean AP in my relationships and you are more then welcome to read back through my posts. Honestly…the thing that has helped me the most, other then being on an SSRI…is having a therapist who understands attachment theory….I am actually seeing a somatic experiencing therapist and highly recommend this type of therapy for people with AP attachment because it is all about addressing trauma stored in the body. It has definitely helped to get me more in touch with my body…which has helped me to better define where I end and the other person begins…both figuratively and physically. Another great tactic is to speak out loud these loops by saying “the story in my head is…”. Just by labeling it as a story…it provides a bit of separation from it and allows the potential for other possibilities. Another person I follow suggested that for every scenario that pops up in your head…come up with 4 other scenarios. For instance…sayi call someone and they don’t answer and my immediate thought is that the person does not want to talk to me……one alternative is that the dog stole the phone and hid it way under the bed, another is that the person is on a super secret mission etc. It is another way to open up other possibilities in a caring way. |
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Post by anne12 on Jul 15, 2021 4:55:14 GMT
What happens when she changes plans ? What do you feel ? You can use the paradoxial change method to accept whatever you are feeling in the precent moment jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1128/accepting-paradoxial-change-methodDo you become angry and complain or do you become sad, feeling heavyness in the body and implode ? There are two main types of aps. 1) The sad one who implodes 2) The angry one who complains and explodes (because the person has ben dropped many times as a child) When our boundaries are getting violated we can get angry but we can also get angry when we dont get our needs met. (For the sad ap type it is difficult to feel any anger) To work with your anger, you can use Leonard Jacobsens anger exercise - we can transform anger into lifeenergy jebkinnisonforum.com/post/25648/When you are in the victim role, this pattern runs: Impact => Reaction (where you may think things are just happening to you - your felings and reactions happens automatically) When you take control, that is, that you are proactive, you make a conscious choice between the influence and the reaction. It looks like this: Impact => choice => (re) action Feeling uncomftable, overthinking, stomac cramps, heartpain ect are some of the signs that the aps nerveussystem is activated. You can learn how to regulate your nerveussystem - there are many different techniques jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/880/self-regulating-regulation-exercises-ectYou can Practise one or two of them for a week twice a day so that your body/nerveussystem gets used to them. You can try practicing different ones each week for 4 or 5 weeks to see which ones works best for you. They help you to regulate your nerveussystem and helps you to get into the precent moment and to get “up on the balcony” so that you are not so overwhelmed by your feelings and so that you can see clearly. It also helps to calm your thoughts. You can use the rubberband exercise The rubberband method: Use the rubberband method and put a rubberband around your wrist:.Every time you think of the other person, you easily pull out the rubberband - you can change the wrist. This method gives your brain a micro shock. This method Will help you to become present in the precent moment. IT gives you a micro shok. You can use the “I choose to”… technique - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/41739/You can start to move your body instead of sitting and waiting - jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2890/waitingHow to be proactive - jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1198/proactive-get-negativity-victim-roleYou can ask “what about me, what do I want and need right now” (instead of needing your girlfriend) ect. |
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Post by sarge72 on Jul 15, 2021 15:42:44 GMT
Thank you, anne12 and tnr9 for the welcomes and replies. What happens when she changes plans ? What do you feel ? It just triggers negative thoughts, immediately. That's one thing I've noticed about myself is that my 'default setting' seems to be negative. This even goes beyond relationships. Something that I think, if I'm able to change, will obviously help with my AP. Similarly, I have to learn to trust and believe in the positive things my GF says and does.You can use the paradoxial change method to accept whatever you are feeling in the precent moment jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1128/accepting-paradoxial-change-methodDo you become angry and complain or do you become sad, feeling heavyness in the body and implode ? I think I'm more of a 'sad one' but I do get frustrated and angry and beat myself up when triggered. I'm wondering if that isn't as much of my spiraling as what actually initially triggered me. There are two main types of aps. 1) The sad one who implodes 2) The angry one who complains and explodes (because the person has ben dropped many times as a child) When our boundaries are getting violated we can get angry but we can also get angry when we dont get our needs met. (For the sad ap type it is difficult to feel any anger) To work with your anger, you can use Leonard Jacobsens anger exercise - we can transform anger into lifeenergy jebkinnisonforum.com/post/25648/When you are in the victim role, this pattern runs: Impact => Reaction (where you may think things are just happening to you - your felings and reactions happens automatically) When you take control, that is, that you are proactive, you make a conscious choice between the influence and the reaction. It looks like this: Impact => choice => (re) action Feeling uncomfortable, overthinking, stomach cramps, heart pain ect are some of the signs that the aps nervous system is activated. I can relate, my physical symptoms (if I have them) are similar to what I experience during a panic attack (GAD sufferer)You can learn how to regulate your nervous system - there are many different techniques jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/880/self-regulating-regulation-exercises-ectYou can practice one or two of them for a week twice a day so that your body/nervous system gets used to them. You can try practicing different ones each week for 4 or 5 weeks to see which ones works best for you. They help you to regulate your nervous system and helps you to get into the precent moment and to get “up on the balcony” so that you are not so overwhelmed by your feelings and so that you can see clearly. It also helps to calm your thoughts. You can use the rubberband exercise The rubberband method: Use the rubberband method and put a rubberband around your wrist: Every time you think of the other person, you easily pull out the rubberband - you can change the wrist. This method gives your brain a micro shock. This method Will help you to become present in the present moment. IT gives you a micro shock. You can use the “I choose to”… technique - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/41739/You can start to move your body instead of sitting and waiting - jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2890/waitingHow to be proactive - jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1198/proactive-get-negativity-victim-roleYou can ask “what about me, what do I want and need right now” (instead of needing your girlfriend) ect. Thank you for all of these suggestions and resources. I found attachment theory through the book "Insecure In Love" by Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 15, 2021 17:57:01 GMT
Thank you, anne12 and tnr9 for the welcomes and replies. What happens when she changes plans ? What do you feel ? It just triggers negative thoughts, immediately. That's one thing I've noticed about myself is that my 'default setting' seems to be negative. This even goes beyond relationships. Something that I think, if I'm able to change, will obviously help with my AP. Similarly, I have to learn to trust and believe in the positive things my GF says and does.You can use the paradoxial change method to accept whatever you are feeling in the precent moment jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1128/accepting-paradoxial-change-methodDo you become angry and complain or do you become sad, feeling heavyness in the body and implode ? I think I'm more of a 'sad one' but I do get frustrated and angry and beat myself up when triggered. I'm wondering if that isn't as much of my spiraling as what actually initially triggered me. There are two main types of aps. 1) The sad one who implodes 2) The angry one who complains and explodes (because the person has ben dropped many times as a child) When our boundaries are getting violated we can get angry but we can also get angry when we dont get our needs met. (For the sad ap type it is difficult to feel any anger) To work with your anger, you can use Leonard Jacobsens anger exercise - we can transform anger into lifeenergy jebkinnisonforum.com/post/25648/When you are in the victim role, this pattern runs: Impact => Reaction (where you may think things are just happening to you - your felings and reactions happens automatically) When you take control, that is, that you are proactive, you make a conscious choice between the influence and the reaction. It looks like this: Impact => choice => (re) action Feeling uncomfortable, overthinking, stomach cramps, heart pain ect are some of the signs that the aps nervous system is activated. I can relate, my physical symptoms (if I have them) are similar to what I experience during a panic attack (GAD sufferer)You can learn how to regulate your nervous system - there are many different techniques jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/880/self-regulating-regulation-exercises-ectYou can practice one or two of them for a week twice a day so that your body/nervous system gets used to them. You can try practicing different ones each week for 4 or 5 weeks to see which ones works best for you. They help you to regulate your nervous system and helps you to get into the precent moment and to get “up on the balcony” so that you are not so overwhelmed by your feelings and so that you can see clearly. It also helps to calm your thoughts. You can use the rubberband exercise The rubberband method: Use the rubberband method and put a rubberband around your wrist: Every time you think of the other person, you easily pull out the rubberband - you can change the wrist. This method gives your brain a micro shock. This method Will help you to become present in the present moment. IT gives you a micro shock. You can use the “I choose to”… technique - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/41739/You can start to move your body instead of sitting and waiting - jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2890/waitingHow to be proactive - jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1198/proactive-get-negativity-victim-roleYou can ask “what about me, what do I want and need right now” (instead of needing your girlfriend) ect. Thank you for all of these suggestions and resources. I found attachment theory through the book "Insecure In Love" by Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD. Have you considered that this is just a symptom of conditioning you received as a child? How was your relationship with your mom? Your dad? How were they with each other? Sometimes nothing changes because the source was so long ago…..sometimes it requires facing trauma from the people you wanted to love you the most. |
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Post by sarge72 on Jul 15, 2021 18:51:16 GMT
Thank you, anne12 and tnr9 for the welcomes and replies. Have you considered that this is just a symptom of conditioning you received as a child? How was your relationship with your mom? Your dad? How were they with each other? Sometimes nothing changes because the source was so long ago…..sometimes it requires facing trauma from the people you wanted to love you the most. Hi Tnr9 - Absolutely!! The therapist I see isn't really versed in attachment therapy but we have talked quite a bit about my dad. I lost my dad in Dec. '18 to brain cancer and I think much of my dynamics in being AP center around the fact that - 1. my dad was not a demonstrative person when it came to praise or love. He wasn't cold, abusive or mean. He just never said 'I love you'. I think he was unintentionally critical as well. For example, my ex picked up on the fact that whenever my folks came to our house for dinner, my dad would almost always, in a casual, matter of fact way, say something like, "you know what would be good in this dish?" or something like that. Put I didn't even realize it until my ex-wife brought it up one time. From then on, I was able to pick up on it, if it happened. I honestly feel he wasn't being malicious, but I could see how if you live with that for years you begin to think nothing is good enough. 2. I always felt like there was some invisible barrier between us. I think, on some level, I was always seeking his approval. It's always been extremely hard for me to tell my parents that I love them. I've always gotten very emotional for some reason. And I think, when I was old enough to gain an interest... I turned to girlfriends and relationships to fill that void. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 15, 2021 20:19:26 GMT
Have you considered that this is just a symptom of conditioning you received as a child? How was your relationship with your mom? Your dad? How were they with each other? Sometimes nothing changes because the source was so long ago…..sometimes it requires facing trauma from the people you wanted to love you the most. Hi Tnr9 - Absolutely!! The therapist I see isn't really versed in attachment therapy but we have talked quite a bit about my dad. I lost my dad in Dec. '18 to brain cancer and I think much of my dynamics in being AP center around the fact that - 1. my dad was not a demonstrative person when it came to praise or love. He wasn't cold, abusive or mean. He just never said 'I love you'. I think he was unintentionally critical as well. For example, my ex picked up on the fact that whenever my folks came to our house for dinner, my dad would almost always, in a casual, matter of fact way, say something like, "you know what would be good in this dish?" or something like that. Put I didn't even realize it until my ex-wife brought it up one time. From then on, I was able to pick up on it, if it happened. I honestly feel he wasn't being malicious, but I could see how if you live with that for years you begin to think nothing is good enough. 2. I always felt like there was some invisible barrier between us. I think, on some level, I was always seeking his approval. It's always been extremely hard for me to tell my parents that I love them. I've always gotten very emotional for some reason. And I think, when I was old enough to gain an interest... I turned to girlfriends and relationships to fill that void. I think a lot of us here have done that..tried to get what we missed through someone else. But I have found it most useful to work through pain by looking at things from the little girl perspective versus the objective adult. For instance….my mom has constantly reminded me what a difficult child I was and even though I love my mom and I know she isn’t doing it to be mean…it has impacted my self view for decades. So recently, my therapist has recommended that I clarify that it is her perspective and my perspective is different. It may not change her view of me but it has helped me gain more distance between her perspective and how I view myself. I am sorry your lost your dad….I lost mine in February. |
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