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Post by john1234 on Aug 17, 2021 1:55:19 GMT
How long have you been in the process? With earnestness about it? 2 years….but…..that is two years of unpacking a bunch of childhood trauma and how that has tied into today. That is a long time but it’s worth it.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 17, 2021 2:11:02 GMT
john1234, it is worth it, in all aspects of life not just relationships. Most heavily in learning to cope with stress in healthy ways that are easier on your body. I once read the 2 years number in a paper written about attachment styles, but it was so long ago I don't have the citation. I'd say I started in earnest when I blocked my FA ex before our reconciliation lol and the bulk of the effort took about 18 months. I'd been questioning my romantic relationships and taking some notes on things that felt weird or off for a few years prior to that, but had no idea what was wrong or what to do with it. It's a confusing experience when secure thought patterns first happen so I had to keep in practice about it until it became familiar, and I continued strengthening my security even after I finally started testing secure instead of AP.
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Post by annieb on Aug 17, 2021 2:13:25 GMT
Just took Thais Gibson's Attachment Style Quiz and this is where I am at the moment. For me it's a two year anniversary for my therapy that I finally took seriously; I had found attachment theory and this forum sometime in 2016.
Fearful Avoidant: 27% Anxious Preoccupied: 13% Dismissive Avoidant: 27% Secure: 33%
For me it's still a very long way to go, but I am enjoying it, future is something I look forward to, and I am currently not in a relationship.
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Post by annieb on Aug 17, 2021 2:16:31 GMT
I am taking the long road as an FA cycling through a DA
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Post by john1234 on Aug 17, 2021 2:40:09 GMT
Just took Thais Gibson's Attachment Style Quiz and this is where I am at the moment. For me it's a two year anniversary for my therapy that I finally took seriously; I had found attachment theory and this forum sometime in 2016. Fearful Avoidant: 27% Anxious Preoccupied: 13% Dismissive Avoidant: 27% Secure: 33% For me it's still a very long way to go, but I am enjoying it, future is something I look forward to, and I am currently not in a relationship. [/q I have taken many attachment quizzes and they usually say I am secure. I don’t know how that’s possible because this woman made me so anxious. I was always on edge. When we’re in each other’s presence the chemistry was amazing. I am completely secure. Best I’ve ever had. But when we were apart I was constantly chasing. And that would trigger my anxiety. Which in turn I would start complaining. During any breakup of a long term partner I am worse than anyone I’ve ever met. I turn into a mess. Friends do their best. But I am inconsolable. I lose all initiative. I go to work and come home and veg. I don’t want to do anything with anyone. I self loathe. So all the quizzes I take or wrong for me.
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Post by annieb on Aug 17, 2021 2:55:04 GMT
Hi John - Are you saying you come up 99% secure in all quizzes? I do think that's unusual given the description of how you feel. I would maybe take a quiz with a friend by your side and discuss each point and question with that friend (or a therapist). I wonder if there is some automatic response/ denial thing going on that maybe worth exploring. Maybe the drive to be perfect and taking the quiz like a perfect person would Just pondering.
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Post by john1234 on Aug 17, 2021 3:21:11 GMT
Hi John - Are you saying you come up 99% secure in all quizzes? I do think that's unusual given the description of how you feel. I would maybe take a quiz with a friend by your side and discuss each point and question with that friend (or a therapist). I wonder if there is some automatic response/ denial thing going on that maybe worth exploring. Maybe the drive to be perfect and taking the quiz like a perfect person would Just pondering. No. Not 99 percent. I took the one from Thais a while ago. I don’t have the numbers anymore. I looked up the email she sent and it Says my primary style is secure. Which I agree doesn’t make sense at all. I’m as confused as you. I think I’ll have to take it again to get the numbers. But I remember it being like 40 percent secure. You can tell just by what I write I’m not secure at all. But that could be because of dating a person with bpd and then someone avoidant.
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Post by john1234 on Aug 17, 2021 3:24:05 GMT
Hi John - Are you saying you come up 99% secure in all quizzes? I do think that's unusual given the description of how you feel. I would maybe take a quiz with a friend by your side and discuss each point and question with that friend (or a therapist). I wonder if there is some automatic response/ denial thing going on that maybe worth exploring. Maybe the drive to be perfect and taking the quiz like a perfect person would Just pondering. No. Not 99 percent. I took the one from Thais a while ago. I don’t have the numbers anymore. I looked up the email she sent and it Says my primary style is secure. Which I agree doesn’t make sense at all. I’m as confused as you. I think I’ll have to take it again to get the numbers. But I remember it being like 40 percent secure. You can tell just by what I write I’m not secure at all. But that could be because of dating a person with bpd and then someone avoidant. I actually thought the same. Like I was telling the quiz what it wanted to hear. I was honest. A lot of my anxiety is from not seeing her very much and her not putting an effort to see me like she used to. If I was living with her like we planned. I have no problem giving space. But when you only see someone 6-8 days a month. That makes it different. I’ll try doing it with a friend. Good idea.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 17, 2021 3:30:06 GMT
john1234, just because secure is the largest of the four percentages doesn't mean you're testing secure. I've found that secure happens around 60%. If it's under 60% and you have the second largest majority in AP or DA, that's your overall style. If it's closer to quarters, which annieb has, it's FA and you can see if you lean anxious or avoidant by if there's a big split between AP and DA. I read annie's result that she just posted as avoidant-leaning FA.
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Post by john1234 on Aug 17, 2021 3:39:48 GMT
john1234, just because secure is the largest of the four percentages doesn't mean you're testing secure. I've found that secure happens around 60%. If it's under 60% and you have the second largest majority in AP or DA, that's your overall style. If it's closer to quarters, which annieb has, it's FA and you can see if you lean anxious or avoidant by if there's a big split between AP and DA. I read annie's result that she just posted as avoidant-leaning FA. Okay. Here are my scores. 38 secure 30 anxious 25 fearful and 6 dismissive. So you are saying the way it comes up i am AP? Okay that makes more sense. But shouldn’t it come up higher?
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Post by alexandra on Aug 17, 2021 3:44:19 GMT
That's actually a very high FA and split almost in half with your AP, so I think you're FA but the majority of the time that you get triggered you swing anxious not avoidant.
And no, if you didn't have any times of security and you were constantly living in total fear, you wouldn't be a functional human... so most people are not going under 20-25% secure. At least not that I've seen and discussed with anyone.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 17, 2021 3:49:03 GMT
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Post by john1234 on Aug 17, 2021 3:54:22 GMT
Yeah you said that before. I don’t ever remember shutting down or running away. I never remember feeling suffocated. I’ve never been afraid of commitment. I’ve always attached strongly. I am not disagreeing. And you all have been so kind in helping me. So please don’t think I am being argumentative. I have no idea what I am. I just assumed cause I am always chasing. Never pushing away. I would like to know what style I have cause there’s definitely something off with me. Thank you.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 17, 2021 3:59:17 GMT
john1234... I just took the Poole Heller test twice. The first time as I am now (which hasn't really changed in the last year), the second time I tried to answer as I would have 5 years ago. Now: Secure (83.3%) Avoidant/Dismissiv (4.2%) Ambivalent/Anxious (8.3%) Disorganized (4.2%) 5 years ago: Secure (38.9%) Avoidant/Dismissiv (2.8%) Ambivalent/Anxious (44.6%) Disorganized (13.9%)
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Post by john1234 on Aug 17, 2021 4:05:43 GMT
john1234... I just took the Poole Heller test twice. The first time as I am now (which hasn't really changed in the last year), the second time I tried to answer as I would have 5 years ago. Now: Secure (83.3%) Avoidant/Dismissiv (4.2%) Ambivalent/Anxious (8.3%) Disorganized (4.2%) 5 years ago: Secure (38.9%) Avoidant/Dismissiv (2.8%) Ambivalent/Anxious (44.6%) Disorganized (13.9%) That’s awesome. I wanna be like you. I took it once. It’s very difficult to take on my phone. But here’s mine 51% secure 39% anxious 11% disorganized 0% avoidant I will take it again tomorrow on my computer at work. Like you said maybe I’m cheating the system by answering like I think I should. I believe that may be true. I’m a cheater. Hahahaha
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