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Post by annieb on Sept 6, 2021 14:01:54 GMT
So she reached out to you since the child wanted to see you (the child you consider yours by your own admission), she invited you to dinner to see the child at six and you threw a fit that she hasn’t addressed your previous tantrum and made a big deal about not having a talk with you instead. And then you never showed up at six for a dinner with your child.
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dexter
Junior Member
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Post by dexter on Sept 6, 2021 14:17:24 GMT
No. I asked if her decision is not based on child needs, to which she is very responsive. So, in my point of view, I gave her space to decide without any pressure.
I didn't made a deal about cutting talk. I just had in mind that few hours ago she cancelled our meeting, because she needed to rest from me and emotions.
When I came home, I texted her that I came back and I am ready to visit them. No answer.
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Post by annieb on Sept 6, 2021 15:31:12 GMT
Since this is your child, your only communication with her should have been. “Great, I will see you at six. Let me know if you need me to grab anything from the store.”
Then I would buy bread anyway and bring it with me just in case.
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dexter
Junior Member
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Post by dexter on Sept 6, 2021 15:59:05 GMT
Yeah, you're right.
I was afraid of invading her space, to disturb her in her process of self-regulation, because earlier she communicated that she needs to.
So I was again driven by fear of losing her.
So, probably an AP behaviour again.
(ba dum tss)
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Post by annieb on Sept 6, 2021 16:00:06 GMT
I don’t know if this is helpful, but after two years of therapy, I briefly got involved in a dating relationship with what I would describe as FA. I’ve recently tested DA and always FA, but my secure quadrant is growing. I’ve tried to at least moderate my behavior to act like secure, but it’s different to “feel” secure. Through this last dating relationship I rapid cycled through insecure and secure thoughts about this guy and his behavior and I went through a bout of feelings of abandonment. (The guy was exhibiting love, wanting to spend time together, spending time together and then disappearing for weeks at a time, deactivating, until I broke it off)I hadn’t felt that in a good year. So my rapid cycling was basically in between what his behavior is in reference to an insecure me: he doesn’t love me, he is pretending, I’m a rebound, he’s abandoned me: therefore it’s a reflection of me, I am bad, I am not enough.
Vs a secure me: he is wishy washy, doesn’t know what he wants, he is wasting my time and he is confused: it’s not my fault or doing, I was nothing, but kind and giving to him, so it is his loss.
It hurt me immensely to leave the relationship (dysfunctional); but I did it because I had to take care of me. I knew that I would come the other end happier and stronger. I fell in an ego validation trap with him. And I believe if I fall into that trap, I’m not ready to date. It’s not that secures don’t feel pain. It’s that they know when and how to soothe themselves.
And it’s not that secures don’t have bonds or attachment. It’s just that they see what’s sustainable for them, and they follow that path.
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Post by annieb on Sept 6, 2021 16:02:23 GMT
Yeah, you're right. I was afraid of invading her space, to disturb her in her process of self-regulation, because earlier she communicated that she needs to. So I was again driven by fear of losing her. So, probably an AP behaviour again. (ba dum tss) I think at this point you should assume the relationship as dissolved and only focus on your child. You abandoned him yesterday. |
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dexter
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Post by dexter on Sept 6, 2021 16:06:36 GMT
I had a flash of such thought yesterday. And it gives me a glimpse to realise the way that whole situation can be unhealthy and unstable for this kid. Shit.
BUT she could respond me when I came back home.
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Post by annieb on Sept 6, 2021 16:17:16 GMT
I had a flash of such thought yesterday. And it gives me a glimpse to realise the way that whole situation can be unhealthy and unstable for this kid. Shit.
BUT she could respond me when I came back home.
She didn’t have to. The invitation to see the child was made. You should have accepted the invitation and let the other stuff go until further notice. If she comes around and wants to discuss other stuff, she will. And if you are receptive at that point, you can hear her out. Otherwise the relationship is dissolved as of now. She was trying to make time for you to see your child, who wanted to see you and you lied to the child about being busy and then got his hopes up to see you and then denied him. Wtf are you doing? |
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dexter
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Post by dexter on Sept 6, 2021 16:30:11 GMT
I was ready to come and I verbalized it clearly. I gave her space to realize if she is really ready to meet me. She didn't respond.
I agree that I shouldn't be focusing on her, but on the kid and just come without analyzing her.
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Post by annieb on Sept 6, 2021 16:33:19 GMT
I was ready to come and I verbalized it clearly. I gave her space to realize if she is really ready to meet me. She didn't respond. I agree that I shouldn't be focusing on her, but on the kid and just come without analyzing her. Ok - just one last time, lol. No, she did not want to see you or deal with having to validate you and your every step. She didn't need space to decide that. She already decided that, and still invited you so you could see your child. Instead you invalidated her decision, and abandoned your child. |
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dexter
Junior Member
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Post by dexter on Sept 6, 2021 16:34:56 GMT
Probably you are right. What a mess...:/
I will see him tomorrow, as scheduled. I hope...
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Post by annieb on Sept 6, 2021 16:45:13 GMT
You are reacting to her behavior, but through your own lens and you make a lot of assumptions about what she means. That’s very narcissistic. You’re basically feeling shit on the inside, but you’re making it out like it’s coming from her. If you can make that connection and catch yourself you can change that. All of it. With therapy your own individual therapy you can change all of it. It’s not going to be easy or fast, but it’s possible.
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dexter
Junior Member
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Post by dexter on Sept 6, 2021 17:50:34 GMT
Interesting. Yes, I was earlier exploring the idea of me using some narcissistic traits (I was in short "relationship" with narc girl, it was hell, but made me to read Pia Melody's book on NPD) on defending my ego, that was totally struck throughout our 3 year history of push&pull dance, her critizing me, ghosting, comparing to phantom ex. When I discovered att theory I found such focusing on me, and only my own perspective, as typical AP behaviour when one have low self-esteem and high anxiety and is in "fix it" mode.
I need to process and talk to my therapist.
I need to update - probably I am just being ghosted. I've texted her today on neutral ground, asking if our request to move the kid to another group was accepted (he had lot of stress in new group, being separated from his best friends). I put lot of effort in that matter, supporting her physically and emotionally. And it is important for me. 7hrs, no respond.
I can accept a lot, but...Ok. I will wait patiently.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 6, 2021 18:36:44 GMT
So, question is - I am stable with my availability even if she withdraws. Shouldn't that be OK? I wanted to answer this question since you've gotten good responses but it hadn't been addressed. The answer is no, because even though you're available you're not feeling okay about it. You're not even really okay with her needing space though you're attempting to rationalize it because you do know she needs it. So it is still reflecting poor boundaries and insecurity on both sides, stuffing down your needs and bending in hopes she'll eventually come around the way you'd prefer. Which makes it co-dependent and occasionally manipulative, not stable. It is secure when you are genuinely feeling okay taking the time apart during her withdrawal because you're doing your own thing and don't need to fixate or ruminate on the space or behavior. But then after it happens for the very first time in the relationship, while you were not obsessing when it happened because you didn't take it personally, you can still not want someone who acts that way. Secure is at that point you would have told her you were not okay with her withdrawal, and as annie said, you then try to work through it together. If you can, you stay together. If she continues to act the same without regard to you not wanting a partner who needs to withdraw to gain space and re-regulate, then you're not compatible and you break up. Even if it sucks because you're attached. You still don't continuously engage in unhealthy dysfunction. You're years past establishing a healthy team-based response to her need for space now and you're well into this insecure dynamic, but as you already said there's mutually no respect. Both of you act the way you do to try to get your own needs met in an unhealthy dysfunctional way. If you show up when she needs but do it while angry / fearful / upset / distrustful about it and start a fight, out of martyrdom, or have any other agenda around it with negative energy and you're not just showing up because you want to... or worse, you let your AP protest behaviors make you play games so sometimes you show up and sometimes you don't in hopes you'll be chased and validated... then it's not secure or stable that you always show up. Again, it's co-dependent. |
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dexter
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Post by dexter on Sept 7, 2021 6:46:57 GMT
You are reacting to her behavior, but through your own lens and you make a lot of assumptions about what she means. That’s very narcissistic. You’re basically feeling shit on the inside, but you’re making it out like it’s coming from her. If you can make that connection and catch yourself you can change that. All of it. With therapy your own individual therapy you can change all of it. It’s not going to be easy or fast, but it’s possible.
Comedy style plot twist here. She called me in the morning.
She didn't upgrade android phone. Earlier she has set chat messaging with me, and when she skips upgrading software, we don't receive text messages sent to each other. So it happen. I thought she was ghosting, she thought I was fed up with everything.
At Sunday, she texted me, that I am right, she want to be alone with a kid because she need to self-regulate, appreciated my approach and confirmed Tuesday meeting.
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