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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2021 14:14:08 GMT
I'm going through a phase (man I hope it's a phase) of experiencing anxiety related to my partner. I'm encountering my abandoned inner child. I think this comes from actually becoming open and vulnerable enough to expect care and love, through the process we have been going through together to develop our relationship.
I guess in past relationships and in my life in general I have not EXPECTED or felt as a reality, deep care and partnership. So I've been resigned to independence, or non-dependence (or even anti-dependence). Now it's become normal (as normal as I can muster for now, it's clumsy and messy sometimes) to depend on him emotionally. And also in other ways. So, if something happens that interrupts his ability to be there for me, it hurts in a way not unlike the pain I know AP feel. That moment of reaching and him not reaching back, brings a primal pain that is an abyss. And into the abyss I go, sinking into lethargy that is the deactivation of avoidants.
This happened recently, as he was away taking care of our boat. Separation is fine, not only fine but embraced by me as a time to recharge, sink into my own self, retreat. But I've learned about "bids" for connection- the ways that couples continually reach for each other in everyday life. I recognize our little interactions that we have through out the day as affirming, successful bids and responses between us. We engage in this quite a lot. It's been very healing!
What happens when I don't get the response that I need? Well, a couple things. Initially, awareness that he is simply situationally hampered- unable somehow to respond but not intentionally non-responsive. Then an irritation- that while not intentionally failing to meet my need, at least careless or distracted, as a general personality trait. My response, anger and irritation and deactivation. Of course I see the parts of myself that I don't want to acknowledge, because they evoke feelings of shame and dependency. And of course I also see that this part of me is deeply, deeply wounded, very afraid, very sad, very much in need of safety and belonging.
So, I spent a day deactivated, in that resolve to insulate myself though he was unaware of anything more than me not feeling well. It does feel like malaise, and it's easy to pass off as illness or simply physical disturbance. When he returned, we stepped back into our couple routines and all was well but not well inside of myself. I needed to address this elephant in the living room inside myself.
So I had a conversation with him, messy at first and full of conflicting emotions, but we talked about bids and what they are and what they mean for the relationship. Long story short, he was moved by the understanding that I need him, and he promised to be more consciously available when he is away. He did have a slew of issues arise that prohibited him from reaching back to me, and while I had conscious awareness of that enough time wore on that I became triggered, and felt left out. That's the main feeling I get when triggered- that of feeling not a part of, left out, overlooked. And of course living on the fringe of a family as a kid is where that comes from.
For a long time I identified with being on the fringe and now it's not enough.
Anyway, I'm sharing this here because it's honest and maybe others have something to share about messy part of becoming more secure. I've found it's not linear, with healthier and more resilient responses non stop. I've read on the forum about AP feeling perplexed about becoming what seems avoidant, and here I am becoming anxious. I did some research about it and Thais Gibson has a video about it. I don't know if she is all on point or not, and if anyone has an opinion about that or other resources on the topic of the shitshow of becoming secure, that would be great. I mean from the standpoint of it's not all easy, it's new, it's confusing, sometimes painful, hits and misses, two steps forward and one step back. I'd love to hear about the struggles of people actively working toward or living secure after deep insecurity.
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Post by anne12 on Sept 16, 2021 1:33:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2021 1:38:18 GMT
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Post by anne12 on Sept 16, 2021 1:42:30 GMT
“…My response, anger and irritation…”
Sorry, I was thinking maybe the anger meditation could be helpfull to you ? It works on the instinktive level.
Also allowing what ever is coming up with the paradoxial change meditation
Theres also a soothing your inner child exercise in the ap thread
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2021 2:08:56 GMT
“…My response, anger and irritation…” Sorry, I was thinking maybe the anger meditation could be helpfull to you ? It works on the instinktive level. Also allowing what ever is coming up with the paradoxial change meditation Theres also a soothing your inner child exercise in the ap thread Oh right, Duh! Sorry I thought you were telling me to dump my boyfriend and I was like "But he's a really great boyfriend!" 😂😂😂 Now I understand I read through the meditation. Yes this could help! Also I felt my inner child hurting and I will look for that thread too. It felt extremely extremely vulnerable- after the anger was just deep sadness. Thank you anne12! As always. |
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Post by anne12 on Sept 16, 2021 11:33:37 GMT
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Post by krolle on Sept 16, 2021 12:34:02 GMT
Have either of you had much success with meditation? What's your thoughts on it?
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2021 12:44:50 GMT
Have either of you had much success with meditation? What's your thoughts on it? I like to do walking meditation in nature, it's very helpful. Sitting meditation isn't too good for me as I am already pretty parasympathetic leaning and I have a very hard time remaining alert. It truly numbs me out. But I do like Yoga Nidra, for rest. I have a hard time walking when triggered as I get so lethargic. So I end up doing what some would call meditation but I call it shutting down, I just lay down and breathe but it's not mindful it's rather mindless and escapism. I think actively addressing my feelings would be good here- so a meditation along the lines that anne suggested. Or maybe a guided meditation, someone to help take me through it. I did a guided meditation recently for healing guilt and it was really helpful. Do you meditate krolle? |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2021 12:45:28 GMT
Haha! Yes, we are in it to win it. I will check this out I like Peter Levine! |
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Post by krolle on Sept 17, 2021 0:25:36 GMT
Have either of you had much success with meditation? What's your thoughts on it? I like to do walking meditation in nature, it's very helpful. Sitting meditation isn't too good for me as I am already pretty parasympathetic leaning and I have a very hard time remaining alert. It truly numbs me out. But I do like Yoga Nidra, for rest. I have a hard time walking when triggered as I get so lethargic. So I end up doing what some would call meditation but I call it shutting down, I just lay down and breathe but it's not mindful it's rather mindless and escapism. I think actively addressing my feelings would be good here- so a meditation along the lines that anne suggested. Or maybe a guided meditation, someone to help take me through it. I did a guided meditation recently for healing guilt and it was really helpful. Do you meditate krolle? I don't meditate. To be honest I don't really understand the concept. Though walking in nature sounds nice. I am trying more to do things mindfully. Though I'm not sure you would really consider it meditation. My ruminations are way too strong to simply sit still for long enough in the classic meditative style. What's your interpretation of what meditation actually is/does? |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 17, 2021 0:35:35 GMT
Have either of you had much success with meditation? What's your thoughts on it? I meditate….I like how it focuses my attention…and clears my mind. I often feel scattered….it also helps to bring me back into the present and back into awareness. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2021 1:52:54 GMT
I like to do walking meditation in nature, it's very helpful. Sitting meditation isn't too good for me as I am already pretty parasympathetic leaning and I have a very hard time remaining alert. It truly numbs me out. But I do like Yoga Nidra, for rest. I have a hard time walking when triggered as I get so lethargic. So I end up doing what some would call meditation but I call it shutting down, I just lay down and breathe but it's not mindful it's rather mindless and escapism. I think actively addressing my feelings would be good here- so a meditation along the lines that anne suggested. Or maybe a guided meditation, someone to help take me through it. I did a guided meditation recently for healing guilt and it was really helpful. Do you meditate krolle ? I don't meditate. To be honest I don't really understand the concept. Though walking in nature sounds nice. I am trying more to do things mindfully. Though I'm not sure you would really consider it meditation. My ruminations are way too strong to simply sit still for long enough in the classic meditative style. What's your interpretation of what meditation actually is/does? Gotta jump in here cos I teach/practice (or try!!) contemplative practices. Meditation is simply a practice of listening to yourself. You don't meditate to be good at "not thinking", you meditate to be good at "listening to yourself". Those who become very good at listening to themselves simply become very good at not (over)thinking!! Not (over)thinking is one of the accidental outcomes of listening to yourself. Think of it as going on dates with someone - in this case, it's yourself. On dates, you let that person talk freely, and you pay attention and listen without too much judgement. But after listening to that person drivel on and on (or complain or ruminate or obsess), you become tired of that person and you want to listen to someone else more interesting/nourishing. You may also realize that this person may be very right in their drivel, but also pretty pointless to listen to. You eventually turn your attention elsewhere or try to counsel the person to be less negative (or whatever it is). It is through this dating process where you learn things about the person and then decide where to go from there. THIS is when you are empowered to decide for yourself WHO and HOW you wish to be, and then start evolving from there. That is the point of meditation - to train yourself to listen to yourself in a more objective way, so you can gain some insights into yourself and your life. Eventually when you listen to yourself long enough in a mindful way, you realize that alot of your thoughts and emotions and beliefs aren't exactly the most meaningful/helpful. You also learn that you are more than your thoughts/emotions, and you become more detached from all of it, and you evolve. Meditation is simply ONE of the many practices of listening to yourself. It is not a practice to be quiet - becoming quiet is the outcome/benefit, but the process is really listening to yourself without judgment. The state of listening without judgment is mindfulness. So another example is exercising and getting fit. The outcome = get fit (equanimity). The process = stretch your physical self (mindfulness). The practices = cardio, yoga, diets (meditation, yoga, mindful walking, nature). @introvert, the shutting down you're describing isn't necessarily bad, if it gives you the space and opportunity to be quiet with yourself. not so great versions of "shutting down" may be losing connection with yourself, suppressing feelings, not being aware of your own mind/body, rejecting negative thoughts violently. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2021 2:15:37 GMT
@shiningstar I agree, the shutting down (aside from when I'm triggered) isn't a bad thing. It's very easy for me to relax and not think, and I take space that way. It isn't an avoidance thing when it's just a part of my every day. It's beneficial.
The shutting down that isn't good is the physiological response to a trigger. Granted, it is the safest thing i know, and it "works", but it's definitely a survival thing. There is a lot of distress in it, and it is avoidance but not necessarily a real choice- I'd have to somehow interrupt the process and divert away from it in order to grow out of it. So that's what I'm trying to do.
I know that being open with my boyfriend and telling him my experience of feeling hurt and yes, angry but beneath that, very sad- I know that was the right move to share that with him. I told him about what ai have learned about bids, and how couples make bids and responses to connect and deepen their bond. He really liked all that information and it made sense and he wants to consciously be alert to my bids, as I do with his. We mostly do a great job with this. And now that I have shared what happened inside of me with the snafu, I feel confident that I will be able to deal in a better way and also just be vulnerable with him instead of that instinctive self protection reaction.
I think it actually was a lot of growth that happened around this. The really hard part for me is a particular feeling of being overwhelmed by the vulnerability sometimes. I can clearly see how that leads to deactivating thoughts and choices. I want to insulate myself, distance and spread my safety around if that makes sense. Compartmentalize. I don't actually DO anything about all that but my mind goes into manager mode and says "I don't want to depend on love. I have myself. I have my kids and my job and my hobbies and my spiritual life and I am separate and an entity to myself and I'm fine, I just need to pull my heart back a little and manage this.". But that PASSES. I know what it is and I let it PASS. So that's good. But that inability to really handle that deep need and fear of loss is really, really painful. I don't know if I have described it well but it feels like it will destroy me. And then it passes and I'm fine. We're fine. It isn't something that impacts our every day- it's a trigger thing and honestly I just hate the way it feels.
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Post by anne12 on Sept 17, 2021 6:25:48 GMT
I would try to be nice to my inner little girl who dosent want to feel voulnarble. Where can you feel it in your body ? How does it feel like ? Does it move around or does it stay in only one place ? Does it move up in your head or ? If you cant feel anything that is also “feeling” . I would try to track it while saying it out loud.
Then I would put my hand on that place. And maybe use my other hand giving myself a hug.
Our hands and arms are made for setting boundaries, reaching out for what we want and we can also use them to hug ourselves etc.
Then I would talk to my inner girl. Tell her that I see her. That I understand her. And that she is safe with me. That I am not going to dismiss her. And that she can be voulnarble with me.
And then I would rock her.
Then I would check in with my body again and try to notice if theres has been a shift. And how how does that feel like ? (Expansion, tingling, heat, contraction, cold, warmth etc.)
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/41806/ - a good method to try to come out of a freeze/shut down is to sit in a rocking chair. The movement also soothes the inner child
You can also use titration and pendulation, so that the feeling of being voulnarble dosent become too overwhelming.
If things becomes too intense, it's okay to stop
You can switch to an activity that gives you stability - a ressource that brings you relief and regulation.
Compassion with yourself is important
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2021 12:51:28 GMT
I would try to be nice to my inner little girl who dosent want to feel voulnarble. Where can you feel it in your body ? How does it feel like ? Does it move around or does it stay in only one place ? Does it move up in your head or ? If you cant feel anything that is also “feeling” . I would try to track it while saying it out loud. Then I would put my hand on that place. And maybe use my other hand giving myself a hug. Our hands and arms are made for setting boundaries, reaching out for what we want and we can also use them to hug ourselves etc. Then I would talk to my inner girl. Tell her that I see her. That I understand her. And that she is safe with me. That I am not going to dismiss her. And that she can be voulnarble with me. And then I would rock her. Then I would check in with my body again and try to notice if theres has been a shift. And how how does that feel like ? (Expansion, tingling, heat, contraction, cold, warmth etc.) jebkinnisonforum.com/post/41806/ - a good method to try to come out of a freeze/shut down is to sit in a rocking chair. The movement also soothes the inner child You can also use titration and pendulation, so that the feeling of being voulnarble dosent become too overwhelming. If things becomes too intense, it's okay to stop You can switch to an activity that gives you stability - a ressource that brings you relief and regulation. Compassion with yourself is important I tried this last night, then entertained it this morning. SUPER heavy feeling on my chest and it jumps up to my throat where it's tight. Then it made me cry and my chest was crushed again. So honestly that little girl doesn't want to talk about this because she'll cry and it's way too big. But I can tell I (she?) needs to cry. She likes to lay still and not make a peep. I am going to take a break from thinking about this and try to come back. Maybe you can help me through it a little more after a bit? Would you do that? |
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