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Post by seekingknowledge on Oct 6, 2021 23:49:38 GMT
My FA ex was honest with me about her attachment style from the very beginning.
She had been in therapy for an entire year before we met and was aware that she had been attracted to chaos in her previous relationships.
Through therapy she realized how having a mother with BPD had affected her and contributed to her FA attachment style. She explained how she had been a "runner" before therapy (moving to different cities for job opportunities which also made it easy to have excuses for breaking off relationships: "the distance will be too much for our relationship to handle").
We talked about psychology and personality types and motivations for behavior all of the time.
She was aware of her people-pleasing tendencies. She was high-achieving, successful, and independent.
We fell hard for one another - each admitting that it felt like the fairytale kind of love that we had both stopped believing in.
I was so enamored by the fact that we could seemingly explore the depths of what it means to be human together. I thought to myself, with this level of self-awareness and willingness to dive deep we could build a strong, lasting, loving connection. I was excited about the future.
This all lasted about 2 months. She took a trip back home to go to a wedding, and when she returned everything was different. She spoke to me as friend more than a lover and the affection I offered felt as though it was not well-received. At first, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I chalked it up to her being overwhelmed by the weekend back home (with several friends and family members wanting to catch up with her and then her having to come back and jump straight into a very busy, stressful season at work). I allowed this change in behavior to continue for about 3 weeks before I had to say something. She refuted the change in behavior and blamed it on "just trying to keep her head above water at work." She would often be (or claim to be) physically ill when I was around her. This could manifest in the form of shortness of breath, nausea, upset stomach, etc. Of course being physically ill meant the sex stopped, but she would still cuddle. She would say the shortness of breath was possibly covid, so I shouldn't be around her. I imagine it was her in a panic about our relationship. She would say the nausea was related to work, but I aways felt deep down that it was the fearful side of her FA kicking in on a subconscious level. She started to try and find flaws in me. She asked for my car keys one night after I had 2 drinks over the span of 4 hours. I hesitated giving them to her because I didn't want to inconvenience her by making her drive. After asking her if she was sure she was fine driving, I gave her the keys. To her, this meant I had a drinking and driving problem. I didn't remind her to pack something one time. So it was my fault that she forgot. On the last day that I saw her she was playing the song "Too Good at Goodbyes" by Sam Smith when I arrived at her house. She would always use songs to say what she couldn't. Before the trip and the change in behavior she would play "Say It Back" by Ross Harris which is basically asking "If I say I love you, would you say it back?" I asked her again about the change in behavior that last day I saw her. I asked her what she was feeling in that moment and I could see in her eyes that there was a storm inside of her brewing - her love for me fighting and tangled with the fear she felt. She replied "she didn't know." I didn't buy it but perhaps she truly didn't know. Perhaps she was just confused and afraid.
Sure enough 2 days later she broke up with me via text. She said she didn't want to "string me along" hoping that she would one day magically find more time for me and our relationship. I was gutted by her choice of words and the cold nature they were accompanied by. I have made the mistake of trying to fight someone when they tried to break up with me in the past and I vowed to never do that again. I had learned from the past, that if someone wasn't enthusiastic about being with me, then why should I bother? So I calmly let her go. I could tell that any protest from me would have been met with a cold response so I just said. I did however, make sure she knew that this decision was completely hers and not something that I wanted.
I few weeks went by and I sent her a youtube video on FA that I thought was relevant. She responded "interesting watch" as if she was refuting she was FA and we had never discussed it. She said she didn't mind me sending her videos/memes and that she had just been trying to give me space since the break. I told her that I loved her because we had never told each other that before. I did not say it because I wanted a response. I just wanted to say it because I thought she should know. I don't want to die without the people I love knowing that I loved them. She did respond "I don't have a specific response to that, but thank you for sharing."
I'm not sure what my question is here. In fact, I think I already know the answer. But it's just so incredibly frustrating to me because she was so aware in the beginning and talked about how she wanted to change, and how she knew this relationship was going to be different. But in the end, she couldn't separate the FA attachment sabotage from reality. She didn't even try to fight for us or talk it out. When those feelings of fear and panic hit her, she just couldn't handle it. She ran like she has in every other relationship in the past. My question is should I even try to point out to her that what happened was not a loss of love or connection, but it was the FA taking over. I want so badly to encourage her to fight through those urges to run. But, is it a lost cause for me? It's so disheartening that awareness is not enough. Are there any FAs here that can describe to me what deactivating feels like? What the fear feels like? I imagine it must be stronger than anything I've ever felt before, because it seems as though all logic goes out the window when the FA attachment demons take over. The tragedy for me now is that I have all of the beautiful, wonderful memories that I keep going over in my head of our love. I feel like she doesn't have any of those memories. I feel like I dreamt the entire relationship.
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nevad
New Member
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Post by nevad on Oct 7, 2021 2:15:02 GMT
I sympathize with you because I just went through an eerily similar experience and a break up with an FA (see here jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3241/breakup-fa-girlfriend). I can't offer you any info from an FA's perspective as I am AP, but reading through your post was almost exactly what I experienced over a 7-month relationship. Although she wasn't self-aware and we did not discuss attachment styles openly (I only discovered them in my search to figure out what the hell just happened), it is uncanny the similarities. She would use songs as well to convey her mood - more recently the song Sorry by Buckcherry to describe her feelings about our breakup. If you look at the lyrics it reads like an FA's manifesto for what just happened. You used the word overwhelm - she used that as the excuse to pull away. She was in a state of overwhelm. A job change, which I supported her through plus the fact that we were long distance and logistically it was hard - even though I always went there and she never came to my home. She made excuses the few times I asked and wanted her to come. The times we spent together were awesome - I mean great. Always had a good time together and then after one weekend and leaving happy, the next weekend she said she needed a pause weekend...then another...then another. At first I chased as per my AP style, but then in the midst of those pause weeks, I realized I had to back off or she would be gone forever. Well, I never saw her again - gone with the wind. I was so hurt and confused and still am trying to reconcile what happened. All of those great times of warmth and happiness gone - vanished. This is the hardest part to not internalize. We had discussions during those pause weeks, I was very confused as to where I stood and when I felt like I needed to pull away, she chased and held on for dear life and of course I got pulled back in thinking she was turning a corner. But then just another pause week after that. The final weekend was Labor Day weekend - a long weekend where I thought she would finally break and find some time for us to see each other. Instead, she went out to some bars with friends and was chatting up guys that bought her drinks - and she was very open to me about this. The sabotage. That was when I had enough and knew I was slowly being replaced and I told her I had enough and initiated the breakup So all I can say is we have lived a very similarly uncanny experience. I understand and am working through the frustration as well. I wanted to encourage her the same way to fight for the relationship because we both said "I love you" from the third month on. In some ways I wish I was aware of attachment styles then. I couldn't understand her retreat and how it could happen so fast and with such conviction. I felt discarded like trash, rejected. Through a lot of reading and this forum I have come to understand it better and how my own attachment style and trauma contributed to our demise. I'm still getting through it as well. I have found this very extensive article on the avoidant attachment extremely informative as well www.freetoattach.com/datingI feel like if we were close by we should get together, have a beer and discuss - lol. Good luck in getting through this, it is a tough situation and I wish you the best. |
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Post by anne12 on Oct 7, 2021 3:05:04 GMT
When can you say I love you ? jebkinnisonforum.com/post/41560/- are you "in love" in a relationship (crushing phase/honeymoon phase), where you do not really know the other person well enough yet - then IT is a bad idea to say it - because it's just a projection - If the person you are talking to has a hard time loving themselves, it can be hard for the person to take in the compliment/the love….. Why did you say this after only two months ? You where only in the crushing phase. The more in love you are, the less you see each other as you really are. You will see each other more as you think (wish) that the other person is. When you are in "love" in This phase, you unconsciously enlarge the positive qualities and sides of your partner and diminish (meaning) or ignore the negative things. Some relationships have small crises or ends here: often at 1 month or at 3 months! If we move too fast, then theres a chance that the crush can not unfold in a natural way, and the relationship can end before it really started. “- We fell hard for one another - each admitting that it felt like the fairytale kind of love that we had both stopped believing in….”
The more “crush” the more there is a chance that there will be bigger challenges later on in the relationship…. It is recommended that fas titrate when they are dating and that they move slow…And that the person who they are dating moves slow. And why all theese in depth talks ? Did you also talk about something else ? Remembered to have fun and be light ect. - becoming too voulnarble (too fast) and oversharing can be triggering If she havent worked with her instinktive reactions in therapy (fight, flight, freeze reactions) then theres a change that she will still keep on having these reactions in her life. Undertanding things on the cognetive level is often not enough, because the problem was created in the reptile and limbic part of the brain. This is one of the ways a therapist can work with an fa in therapy - Uncoupling the Drive to Survive from the Instinct to Bond ect.: - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/12212/Theres some info about the different instinktive reactions in the healing desorganied/fa attatchmenstyle thread, general forum. “She would often be (or claim to be) physically ill when I was around her. This could manifest in the form of shortness of breath, nausea, upset stomach, etc. Of course being physically ill meant the sex stopped, but she would still cuddle. She would say the shortness of breath was possibly covid, so I shouldn't be around her. I imagine it was her in a panic about our relationship. She would say the nausea was related to work, but I aways felt deep down that it was the fearful side of her FA kicking in on a subconscious level”
Yes, some fas even have to go to the toilet and throw up when they are lying in bed with their partner. Also when having sex, the tension in ans increases. This can trigger trauma as trauma connects with intensity. Stress and other things can also affect our sexdrive. If we are in a kind of freeze state, theres less energy in our system. You could also be leaning more sympathetic while she could be leaning more parasympathetic when having sex. For some women their partners sympathetic state can be too overwhelming for their nerveussystem to handle. Some men can also chace orgasms and havent learned to ride the wave with a woman. Safety is also important when having sex. That the person feels safe in the socail engament system. A man whos wife had suffered sexual trauma, tells that is shes beginning to go into freeze, that get out of bed and dance or shake. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38822/jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38555/She could also have something called the rigid caracterstructure where theres a split between the heart and the sex/the genitals. You cant have sex and feeling love for the same person at the same time. When we “flip the lid” and we are in survival mode we cant think properly. Maybe the flight reaction was so intense for her nerveussystem so that she suddenly collapsed/got into a freeze state afterwards. And so that she moved way out of her window of tolerance. It can take sometime to come back to yourself after having these reactions. If she have had any experience with alcoholic people in her past, then your drinking alcohol can maybe be a trigger. Maybe you moved too fast ? Got too intimate too soon. Fa can overshare. And they often got weak boundaries. Did you cross them ? Was there any underdog/topdog dynamics going on ? jebkinnisonforum.com/post/26241/ - tips when the desorganised is dating or if you are dating a desorganised person Her telling you that she dosent know how she feels can be true. She can be dessosiated and maybe confused. How to talk about how you each are caracteriised by the different attatchmentstyles jebkinnisonforum.com/post/30611/You write this: I have made the mistake of trying to fight someone when they tried to break up with me in the past and I vowed to never do that again. What is your own attatchment style ? We can get affected by eachothers attatchmentstyles and nerveussystem. |
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KAI
Junior Member
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Post by KAI on Oct 7, 2021 13:27:25 GMT
what do you mean Annieb ? "chrush", i don't understand that whole sentence, and i have the feeling it would give me some insight.
I'm sorry for what happened to you SalientSensation, i had a similar experience (countless of those on the boards, eh)= even if tha gf of mine was not aware (i think she's FA or leaning FA) as AT is not well known here, in France, she seemed to have worked a lot on herself, and had some kind of "emotional intelligence". Was very sweet and caring, and yeah another fairytale down the drain.
I feel for you and have the same feeling of .. well a waste.
but i think we have to keep in mind that the person we knew or thought we knew was only part of the bigger picture. What you saw at the end of the r-ship is also that person. She is all of that. We cannot just remember those good times (and apparently, they were as divine and full of hope for you as they were for me), and project on that.
I also tend to say "i love you" a little too fast, maybe it creates a whirlwind of emotions that push them even further on the path of being DAMN INTENSE. She said incerdible things to me = that knowing and falling in love with me made her totally revisit the idea of being in love. Now i have to acknowledge that MY intensity has been nourishing hers, and it goes in a spiral.
I know it's hard when you meet such a magical person to hold your horses, but i think in my case i also fed my future disappointment. Very often, FAs are people pleasers, and will try to accomodate you. So i guess if you say i love you, they might answer positively to that, and then regret it (even if they meant it) or feel overwhelmed or vulnerable. Mine also mentionned feeling overwhelmed. She said "i love you" and 10 days later, she was dumping me. We only saw each other twice and she dumped me the second time. It looked impulsive, we were hanging out that night on her initiative, but i was starting to resent the come here go away patterns. But at least i got a face to face goddbye.
I just passed a test to see where i'm at attachment wise and hurray to me = i'm earned secure (47%), leaning anxious (30%). i know because Alexandra taught me that earlier, that those tests are just an indication at a certain time of where you're at, and you have to take them again and check on your behaviour regularly and it can change when in relation, but ..yeah i'm on the way.
Just keep in mind that what you lived was genuine in the moment, and it made you stronger in the moment, use it to grow. Im' also talking to myself there, mate 
The more “chrush” then there is a change that there will be bigger challenges later on in the relationship…. It is recommended that fas titrate when they are dating and that they move slow…And that the person who they are dating moves slow. And why all theese in depth talks ? Did you also talk about something else ? Remembered to have fun and be light ect. - becoming too voulnarble (too fast) and oversharing can be triggering |
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Post by seekingknowledge on Oct 7, 2021 14:24:21 GMT
Anne12:
Regarding my attachment style:
In the past, I was an avoidant. My previous relationship lasted 3 years until she broke up with me because she did not feel loved by me. As soon as that happened, I switched to anxious attachment. I felt as though I could not live without her. I protested, tried to win her back, but she was long gone - fed up with my avoidant behaviors. It was heartbreaking but something I needed very much to happen in my life. It caused a massive shift in me. I identified why I was avoidant, addressed some of my own childhood trauma, learned to love myself. I saw my worth for the first time and realized that I mattered and had the power to improve others' lives. I took a 2 year break from dating and grew more than I ever had before.
I did not know about attachment styles before I met my most recent FA ex. She was the one who asked me to take the test. I scored secure when I took the test. I was very happy about this because I knew I had done so much work to get there. She was also very happy about my secure status because she knew that she needed to be with a secure person to try and heal her FA attachment style.
Because I had been avoidant in the past, I had never truly allowed myself to feel love for someone. So when I felt love for the FA ex FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I was so excited that I wanted to express it. But I chose to show her through her love languages and not actually saying the words (until after she broke up with me).
The irony is that I believe my secure attachment style was a major contributor to her running in the end. In the past I would have let her shift in behavior continue without saying anything. I would have endured it silently and not brought it up in conversation. But because I now know my worth and how important communication in a relationship is, I asked her if we could talk about it, objectively pointed out what I had observed and explained to her how it made me feel. I stated my needs (which is HUGE for me because I had always been the avoidant in the past who thought I had to meet my own needs only). I also assured her that I was willing to slow down our pace and give her space, but that I did need assurance that this relationship was something she wanted and was willing to work on. I let her know that my eventual goals were growth, vulnerability, and intimacy but that I was ok if we took our time getting there.
I believe this was all too much for her and she began to feel the panic, fear, engulfment.
So, really there is nothing left for me to do than move on, right? For anyone who is reading this, based on your experience, is it worth reaching out to her to try and show her what really happened (that she was running based on fear) or would that be a huge mistake? I fear that if I did that, I would just be met with the cold/unfeeling version of her and I'd be left feeling even worse than I already do.
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Post by anne12 on Oct 7, 2021 14:26:54 GMT
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Post by seekingknowledge on Oct 7, 2021 15:42:26 GMT
She could also have something called the rigid caraterstructure where theres a split between the heart and the sex/the genitals. You cant have sex and feeling love for the same person. Wow "rigid character type" is something I had never heard of but it makes total sense here. For those reading, it seems to say that the person cannot give a partner their intellect, heart, AND sex. They have to get each from different partners. It's like once she realized she had loving feelings for me, then the sex stopped. She also had lots of male "friends" outside of our relationship that she had strong emotional connections with. I always suspected that those male "friends" were into her as more than friends, but chose to settle for the emotional bond she had with them in hopes that some day it could turn into more. She also had said in her previous relationship, she asked her partner if they could be in an open relationship in the end. I suspect she gave her heart to her partner, but had to seek sex from a different partner as giving both to the same person opens up an opportunity for too much hurt. The thing is, the more I understand it all, the more I just get sad because I feel like all I can see is how broken we all are. It seems as though, no, love cannot fix everything. Often, love is not enough. What I have learned from my resolved childhood trauma is that it is not my job to "fix" anyone. I used to think that was what love was - "fixing" someone and putting up with their bullshit because that's what I had to do with one of my parents as a child. But now I know, only they can fix themselves and I deserve someone who is already whole. But resisting that urge to "fix" is incredibly difficult for me. |
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Post by annieb on Oct 7, 2021 15:47:09 GMT
If I had to describe it, it’s a delusion of sorts, limiting beliefs. For example the other day my business partner posted some photos of me on Instagram of me working (it’s a construction business, and I’m in the middle of drilling a hole in a drawer front and very focused), actually a great “action” shot.
What I saw in that photo was a heavy, tall woman, masculine, weird, maybe. Not “feminine”. No wonder I’m single type of thoughts. Immediately I had to stop myself in the tracks because I recognized my FA self loathing.
What I am: I’m in my perfect weight for my body size and athletic, and I literally look great, and beautiful. People tell me this all the time. I am not a taller version of my “unlovable” (by my father) mother. I am me, and I’m very lovable and with great articulated hands that can do great work. (My mom was the same).
But that’s my “differentiated” opinion, the first and automatic one is unfortunately the self loathing.
And this comes out under stress all the time no matter how much work I’ve done. The difference is that it takes only a few seconds to switch out of them, while in the past it wouldn’t happen at all.
When it comes to relationships, my last relationship I rapid cycled through the self loathing and self acceptance, which was a new experience honestly. In the past I would spend a lot more time on the self loathing I don’t deserve you state; or stay in relationships that enforced my low self esteem.
So I would imagine that if your ex is still at the beginning of their journey recovering from FA that these cycles would be longer. All you can do is to accept their struggle and where they are in their journey. They are only trying to survive their terrible plight, and the low self esteem and self loathing moments, which are incredibly painful. They feel like death. That’s how it feels.
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Post by anne12 on Oct 7, 2021 16:00:15 GMT
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Post by annieb on Oct 7, 2021 16:02:29 GMT
If you were an avoidant before then you know exactly how she feels. It’s not like she can’t be who she is is that she can’t meet your expectations. I don’t know all the details, but communicating your needs does not automatically make a secure. One can be an AP and communicate their needs. And they should. You should, like you did. A secure would not expect those needs be met though (I mean if you have to “communicate” to someone about your discontent, I believe a secure wouldn’t do that beyond maybe one odd occasion, before leaving, while an AP would need them met like their life depended on them.
If you are secure, in my opinion your needs would also be very different than if you were an insecure attachment style.
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Post by seekingknowledge on Oct 7, 2021 16:08:21 GMT
If I had to describe it, it’s a delusion of sorts, limiting beliefs. For example the other day my business partner posted some photos of me on Instagram of me working (it’s a construction business, and I’m in the middle of drilling a hole in a drawer front and very focused), actually a great “action” shot. What I saw in that photo was a heavy, tall woman, masculine, weird, maybe. Not “feminine”. No wonder I’m single type of thoughts. Immediately I had to stop myself in the tracks because I recognized my FA self loathing. What I am: I’m in my perfect weight for my body size and athletic, and I literally look great, and beautiful. People tell me this all the time. I am not a taller version of my “unlovable” (by my father) mother. I am me, and I’m very lovable and with great articulated hands that can do great work. (My mom was the same). But that’s my “differentiated” opinion, the first and automatic one is unfortunately the self loathing. And this comes out under stress all the time no matter how much work I’ve done. The difference is that it takes only a few seconds to switch out of them, while in the past it wouldn’t happen at all. When it comes to relationships, my last relationship I rapid cycled through the self loathing and self acceptance, which was a new experience honestly. In the past I would spend a lot more time on the self loathing I don’t deserve you state; or stay in relationships that enforced my low self esteem. So I would imagine that if your ex is still at the beginning of their journey recovering from FA that these cycles would be longer. All you can do is to accept their struggle and where they are in their journey. They are only trying to survive their terrible plight, and the low self esteem and self loathing moments, which are incredibly painful. They feel like death. That’s how it feels. Thank you for explaining this to me. It helps so much! Anytime I start to feel sorry for myself or like I was wronged, it helps so much to remember that she is likely in far more pain - "like death." Once when she had a bit to drink, she looked up at me with the saddest eyes and said "if you only knew how insecure I truly am" and it broke my heart. But it was those moments where she was 100% raw/real with me, that I fell for her. I just wish she could have been real with me most of the time. It was only a few moments. It was indeed a very stressful time in her life and I think it took soooo much energy from her to try and be who she thought she had to be for me. Maybe she loathed herself for not being able to be that person and just had to leave because of it? |
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Post by annieb on Oct 7, 2021 16:39:55 GMT
In my ”recovery” I was expecting to switch over to secure and while I was testing secure for a couple times here and there taking tests; I was expecting to start coming up AP at some point to my almost bewilderment I started testing DA.
Awareness is fantastic, but in my experience even a true Narcissist can have a glimpse of awareness. But to change a behavior or an automatic thought takes years of work. And who has the time and space; and help and money to do that when we are expected to do what we have to do to function in a society. So our one terrible solution is to be alone; so at least there is one area where there are no expectations. 😑
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Post by midnight77 on Oct 7, 2021 17:04:36 GMT
Hello seekingknowledge, I am very sorry for you....we have all been there and it's terrible to read it. We are here to help give you some closure and perspective. I experienced it as both the FA dumper and the victim of a FA so....I had to learn it the hard way. By the way, you asked "Are there any FAs here that can describe to me what deactivating feels like? What the fear feels like?". I believe I am now less FA than before but when I was at my lowest point, and in a long-term relationship, I would always find excuses to leave him. And it would be various faults, in him and/or in myself. When I felt emotionally close to him, then everything after that experience would create in me the unconscious thought "you better leave him before he does that". It's not even that you think it...I just told myself that one of us would hurt the other anyway or pick up excuses ("I am going to move soon", "we only superficially know each other", "we are together just because we are alone", blah blah blah self-sabotaging). Most notably I ALWAYS felt that the relationship was too much, it felt like a job to me. I always thought that I was better by myself, so I didn't have to deal with the emotions of another (which is not true). I don't really know how to explain it, it's very unconscious and impulsive |
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Post by seekingknowledge on Oct 7, 2021 17:05:15 GMT
In my ”recovery” I was expecting to switch over to secure and while I was testing secure for a couple times here and there taking tests; I was expecting to start coming up AP at some point to my almost bewilderment I started testing DA. Awareness is fantastic, but in my experience even a true Narcissist can have a glimpse of awareness. But to change a behavior or an automatic thought takes years of work. And who has the time and space; and help and money to do that when we are expected to do what we have to do to function in a society. So our one terrible solution is to be alone; so at least there is one area where there are no expectations. 😑 Ahhhh this makes me so incredibly sad but wow I believe you are right. It seems as though the work it would take to change these behaviors would actually be a full time job (not just a therapy session once a week which is what she had). But if you already have a full time job how would you be able to do both? It feels like she was trying really hard in our relationship but eventually gave up because it was all too much. Trying to manage the triggers and emotions that reared their ugly head while being with me and also maintaining her stressful job was probably completely exhausting for her. But there's not a damn thing I can do about it  |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 7, 2021 17:31:11 GMT
I just passed a test to see where i'm at attachment wise and hurray to me = i'm earned secure (47%), leaning anxious (30%). i know because Alexandra taught me that earlier, that those tests are just an indication at a certain time of where you're at, and you have to take them again and check on your behaviour regularly and it can change when in relation, but ..yeah i'm on the way. Good news that the security is going up! I did want to caution you, though. 47% secure doesn't mean earned secure. While it means secure is your largest number, so you present securely at times, earned secure doesn't happen until you cross higher than about 60%. Which makes sense if you think about it, because it means the vast majority of the time you lean secure versus right now where the majority of the time you still lean insecure (53% insecure styles versus 47% secure). But you're working on it, so you'll probably get there! In regards to what anne12 is writing about, having a crush is when you have those sparks of chemistry with someone. But early in the dating or relationship, you don't truly know them yet. You need time to get to know someone, because you need to see if they are consistent in words and actions, if there are parts they hide from you, if there are insecure parts that get triggered over time that it takes time to see, to build a foundation of trust together. Before you've had enough time and information to really get to know someone, you are projecting who they are into the gaps in information until you learn otherwise. For people who lean AP or triggered anxious-FA, these gaps in knowledge always get filled in with positive assumptions. This is in part because both those insecure states trust others more than self, so idealize others. Those assumptions may or may not turn out true, but because the other person gets seen on a pedestal of infatuation and connection, you end up in a fantasy until you learn more or until the other person gets tired of not feeling seen for who they really are because they are not all these assumptions. So then the crush turns into a power struggle as the fantasy pieces come crashing down. You can also look up "limerance" to describe these intense feelings that are not love though they feel very powerful and you feel very drawn to the person. DA and avoidant-leaning FA fill these gaps with distrust and negative projections, as they do not trust others and need a lot of time to build trust if they can do it at all. Once the new relationship energy and attraction calms down and the natural attachment styles kick in, avoidants at this point may start to distance and not feel properly seen for who they are, which triggers them avoidant even harder. But this isn't only because everyone got carried away in fantasy and reality is turning into a power struggle, it is equally on both sides since neither avoidant nor anxious can be truly vulnerable with each other (out of fear), and coming closer makes the avoidant fear of intimacy surface while the avoidant moving further triggers the anxious fear of abandonment. So it's no one person's fault, it's the combined dynamic. |
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