Can DA/narc really feel hurt?

I would be careful about trying to self diagnose her as narcissist.  But to answer your question avoidants do feel hurt….narcissists however, due to low empathy, often use feelings in a much more manipulative fashion.  Have you talked to her about her childhood and how that has influenced her view of people?  

You re right about the narcissism. Many things she does correspond to what cover narcissists do, but I really think her emotions are genuine.

We ve been discussing her childhood and her issues many times. She really appreciates and likes the compassion. But one of my love languages is physical touch and despite everything I do she will rarely be open for affection (even not cuddling) and always come up with excuses. Btw: she has no physical traumas.

Unfortunately we have, with no success. Don t want to blame everything on het but she clearly wasn’t convinced and still repeats that I just have to do what she is telling me to make the relationship work.

First time I hear about a control issue as an individual thing, but many you re right. I ve been going to a therapist for a while. He gave me a growthpath and many elements. Now I should be able to handle it myself. Thing is that it s not guaranteed it will all be over with a divorce. Ideally I d like to postpone it until the kids have left home, but not sure whether that’s the best option.

I don’t want to know whether she can feel hurt, cause she can. I was wondering if DA and narcissists could genuinely feel hurt. Cause for a long time I thought she was a narc but then I thought she couldn’t cause narcissists are not supposed to feel hurt by other people. So the question is not about my wife but about DA/Narcissists.

Narcissists feel hurt. "Narcissistic injury" is a term for one type of hurt. But one of the hallmarks of a true personality disorder is complete lack of empathy. Unless she exhibits no empathy and can't recognize others are independent beings with feelings, not extensions / reflections of herself, she's probably not a narcissist. If there is a personality disorder present, black and white thinking can also be BPD as Anne said, which also has low true empathy.

The source of the hurt for both these types is a complete lack of self confidence. A simplification is, NPD replace it with a false self and project bluster and deflect onto everyone else to prop themselves up, BPD try to rely entirely on others for an identity because they don't know how to emotionally regulate themselves. Besides a lack of empathy, another central feature of both is lack of object permanence. Another oversimplification description, but essentially that means it's tough to hold consistent thoughts and feelings for things that aren't directly in front of them at all times. One of the causes of black and white thinking.