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Post by ctlguy260 on Mar 20, 2022 15:52:46 GMT
I am looking for insight as to why some FA's cant be clear or give closure.
My ex and I dated for around a year and were truly best friend, never argued until one argument in the end. We literally laughed every day and she did at one point say "no one has ever loved as much as I did" and she felt safe with me. Although we still had a good relationship around the 8 month mark, it seemed like she started to become distant. She was in a marriage with a narc and divorced 2.5 years prior and admitted she still had PTSD from the marriage and it may take her a while to fully heal to give me what I want. I mentioned of course I would love to spend the rest of my life with my best friend and she mentioned she cant see her doing that. I mentioned that I didnt need a piece of paper, but she mentioned she didnt even see herself living with anyone until her kids are out of the house (6 more years). I wanted to merely be patient for a little while longer since she was really reading, journaling, and going to a womens group for support.
She mentioned that she just though we were not on the same page anymore, but could not be clear on what that meant. She was always very avoidant.
So here is the confusion I have now. Its been 5 weeks and I reached out about a question and to say hi. It lead to some conversations and she said maybe we could be friends down the road but didnt see anything more. She stated that we were not a fit and were not on the same page again. While she said she needed to not be in a relationship for a while actually ended up in one 5 weeks later!
I kindly ask her. Could you do me a favor which would mean a lot to me so I can have some final closure since I thought we were on the same page. What page were you on and what page did you thing I was on? Her words were "I need time to think about that and will get back to you at a later time"
This whole confusion has consumed as to why she just couldnt give a simple answer
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 20, 2022 16:17:05 GMT
I am looking for insight as to why some FA's cant be clear or give closure. My ex and I dated for around a year and were truly best friend, never argued until one argument in the end. We literally laughed every day and she did at one point say "no one has ever loved as much as I did" and she felt safe with me. Although we still had a good relationship around the 8 month mark, it seemed like she started to become distant. She was in a marriage with a narc and divorced 2.5 years prior and admitted she still had PTSD from the marriage and it may take her a while to fully heal to give me what I want. I mentioned of course I would love to spend the rest of my life with my best friend and she mentioned she cant see her doing that. I mentioned that I didnt need a piece of paper, but she mentioned she didnt even see herself living with anyone until her kids are out of the house (6 more years). I wanted to merely be patient for a little while longer since she was really reading, journaling, and going to a womens group for support. She mentioned that she just though we were not on the same page anymore, but could not be clear on what that meant. She was always very avoidant. So here is the confusion I have now. Its been 5 weeks and I reached out about a question and to say hi. It lead to some conversations and she said maybe we could be friends down the road but didnt see anything more. She stated that we were not a fit and were not on the same page again. While she said she needed to not be in a relationship for a while actually ended up in one 5 weeks later! I kindly ask her. Could you do me a favor which would mean a lot to me so I can have some final closure since I thought we were on the same page. What page were you on and what page did you thing I was on? Her words were "I need time to think about that and will get back to you at a later time" This whole confusion has consumed as to why she just couldnt give a simple answer She could not give you a simple answer because 1. Typically a break up along those lines is based on an internal fear…not on anything that is “real”. 2. She likely wants time to come up with something that makes sense and will not upset you. Why? Because as much as she was afraid of continuing on with you…she is likely just as afraid of you getting angry at her. I got the same thing when B broke up with me and he used that we were on different frequencies,,🤷🏻♀️. My brother used a slightly different variant with his last girlfriend…the spark was no longer there. It took months before I got a straight answer from B…he saw me as a cuddle buddy and when things started to look more serious….his mom joked about us getting married…B decided he needed to end things with me (this of course was not shared with me prior to the break up) because he did not see us together long term. The important take away is that she isn’t in a space to have a mature, aware discussion with you regarding the break up. As to friendship….that is another FA step…leaving the door open to stay in each others life without any expectations or labels. |
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Post by alexandra on Mar 20, 2022 18:56:21 GMT
It's generally not about you. It's about how it was unsafe in childhood (and in this case, surely with her narc ex as well) for them to express themselves, their feelings, and their needs. When they tried, the needs were unmet and the response may have been scary on top of that (met with anger, over the top upset-ness, or even abuse). So they learned communicating directly was not okay, their needs are not important (which later in life means they may not even understand their own needs and feelings), and confrontation is scary and should be avoided. And they never learned otherwise and don't feel a need to as an adult (at least not yet) because this avoidance continues to "work" for them. Until pain accumulates enough through the years that it doesn't work anymore.
I'm sorry this happened, but if someone does this to you it shows they can't step up for a relationship and are a lousy partner. And you are better off without them. They will probably eventually do the same to the next partner, no matter what it looks like from the outside now. At least you have seen the true colors of your ex already and can start moving on instead of the blindside breakup still being yet to come. It's okay that it hurts and the situation was incredibly confusing, though, that is quite normal.
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Post by ctlguy260 on Mar 20, 2022 22:52:13 GMT
I am looking for insight as to why some FA's cant be clear or give closure. My ex and I dated for around a year and were truly best friend, never argued until one argument in the end. We literally laughed every day and she did at one point say "no one has ever loved as much as I did" and she felt safe with me. Although we still had a good relationship around the 8 month mark, it seemed like she started to become distant. She was in a marriage with a narc and divorced 2.5 years prior and admitted she still had PTSD from the marriage and it may take her a while to fully heal to give me what I want. I mentioned of course I would love to spend the rest of my life with my best friend and she mentioned she cant see her doing that. I mentioned that I didnt need a piece of paper, but she mentioned she didnt even see herself living with anyone until her kids are out of the house (6 more years). I wanted to merely be patient for a little while longer since she was really reading, journaling, and going to a womens group for support. She mentioned that she just though we were not on the same page anymore, but could not be clear on what that meant. She was always very avoidant. So here is the confusion I have now. Its been 5 weeks and I reached out about a question and to say hi. It lead to some conversations and she said maybe we could be friends down the road but didnt see anything more. She stated that we were not a fit and were not on the same page again. While she said she needed to not be in a relationship for a while actually ended up in one 5 weeks later! I kindly ask her. Could you do me a favor which would mean a lot to me so I can have some final closure since I thought we were on the same page. What page were you on and what page did you thing I was on? Her words were "I need time to think about that and will get back to you at a later time" This whole confusion has consumed as to why she just couldnt give a simple answer She could not give you a simple answer because 1. Typically a break up along those lines is based on an internal fear…not on anything that is “real”. 2. She likely wants time to come up with something that makes sense and will not upset you. Why? Because as much as she was afraid of continuing on with you…she is likely just as afraid of you getting angry at her. I got the same thing when B broke up with me and he used that we were on different frequencies,,🤷🏻♀️. My brother used a slightly different variant with his last girlfriend…the spark was no longer there. It took months before I got a straight answer from B…he saw me as a cuddle buddy and when things started to look more serious….his mom joked about us getting married…B decided he needed to end things with me (this of course was not shared with me prior to the break up) because he did not see us together long term. The important take away is that she isn’t in a space to have a mature, aware discussion with you regarding the break up. As to friendship….that is another FA step…leaving the door open to stay in each others life without any expectations or labels. I dont think she knows or honest with herself. It seemed like she was always looking for the little things we didnt work out. I know our first date was instant connection that lasted 4 hours. We both said we seemed like best friends reconnecting. I actually flew her to my familes for Thanksgivng after our 3rd date. Our familes loved one another and said we were the best thing that ever happened to one another. Her kids said our vacations were the best they have ever had. We literally cried laughing every day. She said it nice having someone who shares your sense of humor and gets one another. We never had an argument. All of our friends loved us together. He smile was always genuine and she lit up when she saw me. She was my best friend and I know we had a deep soul connection. We text today and she said that we didnt have a deep enough connection and it wasnt enough. It tough not to think the whole past year was just a mirage. |
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Post by cherrycola on Mar 20, 2022 23:55:49 GMT
I'm an FA in recovery.
If you read through threads of people suddenly dumped by an FA the but we never have any fights. We were perfect. Etc. Comes up a lot.
Never having a fight is actually a bad sign. All relationships will have conflicts. If you are not having these it means one or both partners is not having their needs met. You might not even be aware of suppressing your needs if that is all you've ever known. Once the honey moon period ends that is typically when these unmet needs will start to leak out as resentments.
I view instant and strong connections as this person is familiar to me for some reason. My subconscious is recognizing this from my past. I actually view it as a warning sign now to slow down and look around.
Even if someone moves on and they keep the relationship with the next person you have no way of knowing if it is a healthy relationship. Maybe they have constant drama or fights. When we have attachment wounds we are looking for that person who will hurt us in the same ways our caregivers did. So you were not the right fit, you didn't stir up their nervous system in the right way.
It may have also been you treated them too well. People with low self esteem are uncomfortable being treated well and are suspicious of it. Being treated like garbage is what I'm used to and what my subconscious believes I deserve.
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Post by ctlguy260 on Mar 21, 2022 0:31:05 GMT
I'm an FA in recovery. If you read through threads of people suddenly dumped by an FA the but we never have any fights. We were perfect. Etc. Comes up a lot. Never having a fight is actually a bad sign. All relationships will have conflicts. If you are not having these it means one or both partners is not having their needs met. You might not even be aware of suppressing your needs if that is all you've ever known. Once the honey moon period ends that is typically when these unmet needs will start to leak out as resentments. I view instant and strong connections as this person is familiar to me for some reason. My subconscious is recognizing this from my past. I actually view it as a warning sign now to slow down and look around. Even if someone moves on and they keep the relationship with the next person you have no way of knowing if it is a healthy relationship. Maybe they have constant drama or fights. When we have attachment wounds we are looking for that person who will hurt us in the same ways our caregivers did. So you were not the right fit, you didn't stir up their nervous system in the right way. It may have also been you treated them too well. People with low self esteem are uncomfortable being treated well and are suspicious of it. Being treated like garbage is what I'm used to and what my subconscious believes I deserve. This is interesting. I feel like the reason we didnt fight it was just easy. This went on for so long and we were so easy going and we were just enjoying life. I will say the only fight was when we split. She shut down and found reasons to run, and make up reasons why she couldnt be in a relationship due to her past. I dont see her being in a relationship where there is ANY drama at all. |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 21, 2022 0:36:53 GMT
She could not give you a simple answer because 1. Typically a break up along those lines is based on an internal fear…not on anything that is “real”. 2. She likely wants time to come up with something that makes sense and will not upset you. Why? Because as much as she was afraid of continuing on with you…she is likely just as afraid of you getting angry at her. I got the same thing when B broke up with me and he used that we were on different frequencies,,🤷🏻♀️. My brother used a slightly different variant with his last girlfriend…the spark was no longer there. It took months before I got a straight answer from B…he saw me as a cuddle buddy and when things started to look more serious….his mom joked about us getting married…B decided he needed to end things with me (this of course was not shared with me prior to the break up) because he did not see us together long term. The important take away is that she isn’t in a space to have a mature, aware discussion with you regarding the break up. As to friendship….that is another FA step…leaving the door open to stay in each others life without any expectations or labels. I dont think she knows or honest with herself. It seemed like she was always looking for the little things we didnt work out. I know our first date was instant connection that lasted 4 hours. We both said we seemed like best friends reconnecting. I actually flew her to my familes for Thanksgivng after our 3rd date. Our familes loved one another and said we were the best thing that ever happened to one another. Her kids said our vacations were the best they have ever had. We literally cried laughing every day. She said it nice having someone who shares your sense of humor and gets one another. We never had an argument. All of our friends loved us together. He smile was always genuine and she lit up when she saw me. She was my best friend and I know we had a deep soul connection. We text today and she said that we didnt have a deep enough connection and it wasnt enough. It tough not to think the whole past year was just a mirage. It could all be true…her intense initial connection, how well the two of you started out and her disengaging and ending it. I will tell you what my brother told me a year after he broke up with his girlfriend and said there was no spark anymore. The truth was…he felt they were moving too fast….but instead of asking for things to slow down, he broke up with her. I understand why you are questioning the whole relationship….I think the take away is that an insecure person is probably not a good fit for you. |
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Post by Themimms on Mar 23, 2022 16:14:23 GMT
Regarding closure, I think that's hard to get no matter if it's with a secure or insecure person. People might not know why but just feel it, or it's not something rational, they're scared you're going to argue their reason with why they're wrong or tell them it can be worked on etc. Or just not wanting to hurt you
The real closure is the one you can get from yourself as you realize it was for the best and they were not a good fit in this case
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 23, 2022 17:30:01 GMT
Regarding closure, I think that's hard to get no matter if it's with a secure or insecure person. People might not know why but just feel it, or it's not something rational, they're scared you're going to argue their reason with why they're wrong or tell them it can be worked on etc. Or just not wanting to hurt you The real closure is the one you can get from yourself as you realize it was for the best and they were not a good fit in this case Actually…I think a secure person would be able to provide closure…as long as the other person is able to hear it and process it through. “Just not feeling it” is not something a secure person would use because that does not provide closure. A secure person could speak to very specific reasons and would oftentimes be open to discussing a break up rather then simply telling the other person it is over. But I agree that with an insecurely attached individual…there oftentimes is not closure because there isn’t an openness to discuss the issues. |
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Post by cherrycola on Mar 23, 2022 17:57:17 GMT
Regarding closure, I think that's hard to get no matter if it's with a secure or insecure person. People might not know why but just feel it, or it's not something rational, they're scared you're going to argue their reason with why they're wrong or tell them it can be worked on etc. Or just not wanting to hurt you The real closure is the one you can get from yourself as you realize it was for the best and they were not a good fit in this case Actually…I think a secure person would be able to provide closure…as long as the other person is able to hear it and process it through. “Just not feeling it” is not something a secure person would use because that does not provide closure. A secure person could speak to very specific reasons and would oftentimes be open to discussing a break up rather then simply telling the other person it is over. But I agree that with an insecurely attached individual…there oftentimes is not closure because there isn’t an openness to discuss the issues. My counsellor made a point during my last breakup then a healthy mature ending never comes out of no where. That it is discussed and open and you are much more able to move on from it. When it's one sided or vague, it's coming from a place of emotionally immaturity. |
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Post by Themimms on Mar 23, 2022 18:34:25 GMT
Being able to give something maybe and have some sort of mature discussion. But what I mean is I think often people don't always give the right reasons. E.g. things like still being in love with and old love interest and starting to talk to them again/hoping something might happen there might be a reason, but then it's named as "I don't think I was ready for a relationship" or whatever. |
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Post by alexandra on Mar 23, 2022 19:11:38 GMT
I agree that a emotionally mature person is more likely to give the real reasons, because there's no reason not to. They may still be softer about the delivery, but they'll discuss it first if things aren't working out prior to ending an established relationship. No one can give another person closure because in addition to dissolving a connection, often breakups trigger layers of unprocessed trauma (rejection, guilt, shame, not feeling good enough to be "chosen"), so it still may feel awful no matter what the other person says. Because there's no "closure" for many related but unprocessed issues when an insecure person loses a relationship. But spending most of my life as AP dating avoidant, then getting more secure and dating more secure people, I started experiencing "secure" breakups the year before I met my partner, and they were so much better! The mourning period and sadness is much shorter because there's mutual respect and communication, no confusion, and often incompatibilities come out faster so the relationships don't take off long-term anyway. I'd never felt a breakup that wasn't devastating before while fully insecure, and it's very, very different!
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 23, 2022 19:22:42 GMT
Being able to give something maybe and have some sort of mature discussion. But what I mean is I think often people don't always give the right reasons. E.g. things like still being in love with and old love interest and starting to talk to them again/hoping something might happen there might be a reason, but then it's named as "I don't think I was ready for a relationship" or whatever. That sounds like an insecure person who doesn’t want to hurt the other person so they are not forthcoming because they don’t like conflict. In fact, conflict avoidance is a huge red flag of someone who is insecurely attached. |
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Post by cherrycola on Mar 23, 2022 20:00:29 GMT
I agree that a emotionally mature person is more likely to give the real reasons, because there's no reason not to. They may still be softer about the delivery, but they'll discuss it first if things aren't working out prior to ending an established relationship. No one can give another person closure because in addition to dissolving a connection, often breakups trigger layers of unprocessed trauma (rejection, guilt, shame, not feeling good enough to be "chosen"), so it still may feel awful no matter what the other person says. Because there's no "closure" for many related but unprocessed issues when an insecure person loses a relationship. But spending most of my life as AP dating avoidant, then getting more secure and dating more secure people, I started experiencing "secure" breakups the year before I met my partner, and they were so much better! The mourning period and sadness is much shorter because there's mutual respect and communication, no confusion, and often incompatibilities come out faster so the relationships don't take off long-term anyway. I'd never felt a breakup that wasn't devastating before while fully insecure, and it's very, very different! Secure breakups were an eye opener for me. They were just so much more respectful, clear and direct. No blaming, no anger. It made sense to me why it was ending, they had just realized the deal breakers in values/timelines before I had. Also being insecure I tended to compromise on those things easily. They let me express my feelings openly and one even checked in on me a week later and was open to discussing a few questions I had. Ironic that in trying to avoid being the bad guy or hurting people, you do the opposite of that and make it so much worse. A friend once said, the more insecure you are, the more self centered you tend to be. It took me awhile to get but wow, yep. |
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Post by ctlguy260 on Mar 24, 2022 21:20:21 GMT
Regarding closure, I think that's hard to get no matter if it's with a secure or insecure person. People might not know why but just feel it, or it's not something rational, they're scared you're going to argue their reason with why they're wrong or tell them it can be worked on etc. Or just not wanting to hurt you The real closure is the one you can get from yourself as you realize it was for the best and they were not a good fit in this case I am learning that. Its just so damn confusing when it was all these reasons for months where I put a lot of energy in it for months, then its something else in the end. I have a lot to work on to bounce fully from this but its tough without looking back to see the areas of what I should take ownership of and work to not repeat it. |
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