Wounds from childhood or prior relationships? | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

ctlguy260
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Wounds from childhood or prior relationships? Mar 26, 2022 2:48:15 GMT

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Post by ctlguy260 on Mar 26, 2022 2:48:15 GMT

I have been pondering a question for a while now and would like to know others thoughts.

It seems like every explanation for FA/DA is tied back to the parent/child bond. I am totally anxious and know all about my past clearly, but I was just in a long relationship with an FA who was in a long marriage with a textbook narc where she had deep wounds stemming from it.

So here is what is throwing me off. I knew her parents well. They are both 76 and still in love and they both have a really special relationship with her and vice versa. All 3 truly are very special people, so it is so hard to imagine her carrying anything from her childhood, but I read that everything ties back to childhood. I assume that someone can have a very secure attachment style from their childhood and become FA very later on in life?

anne12
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Wounds from childhood or prior relationships? Mar 26, 2022 3:49:56 GMT anne12 likes this

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Post by anne12 on Mar 26, 2022 3:49:56 GMT

“It seems like every explanation for FA/DA is tied back to the parent/child bond”

Where did you get your information from ?

You can have situational desorganised attatchmentstyle. Or only 5 % desorganised attatchmentstyle. When we are in survival mode there is no room for love, reproduction ect. because we are busy trying to survive.

Important critical periods in life:
0-2/3 years old, teenager, when you move from your parents, your first love/partner with whom you have lived with, loosing important relationships later in life (parents/grandparents who died, loss of job, loosing people/friends/partners who were important ect)

The interaction - the "dance"
You have your preferred way to connect/attatchmentstyle. At the same time theses ways to connect will be characterized by other peoples way of relating to you, that is, the other's attatchmentstyles patterns. Imagine two people both with primary secure connection. These two, of course, have the greatest opportunities for building a loving, harmonious and satisfying relationship. There is no stick that is unconsciously "stuck in the wheel".
People with the other 3 attatchment styles patterns will also have easier to get a relationship to work with someone who has a safe attatchmentstyle. But the reality is, that most of the three other (insecure) attatchmnetstyles will typically fall in love with a person also with an insecure attatchmentstyle. A relationship with a lover with a secure attatchmentstyle, would not give the same opportunity to restore childhood's negative mental environment. According to Imago, it is these people (with insecure atttmentsstyles) that are capable of this, for which we will be attracted.

She told you she had ptsd ?

Other possible reasons for trauma/disorganised behavior - also later in life: (fight, flight, freeze (fawn) survival responses)
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/12359/

Most people have experienced some kind of trauma in their life.

jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2694/narsissim-normal-narcissistic-surviver-syndrome

Most people would get affected by staying in a relationship with a narc ect.
- continual narcissist abuse can actually damage brain cells in the hippocampus, actually shrinking its size and causing difficulty learning new things
- and by being near a narc can affect your nerveussystem. Your nerveussystem is in constant fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode without any resolution while you are together with the narc and afterwards - that’s why SE/EMDR ect, can be helpful therapies because they work on the instinctive level (reptile brain level)
youtu.be/7pzhdTm9TTg - Dr. Ramani
youtu.be/-vmKnOhdCH0 - Therapist talks
www.instagram.com/reel/Cbj-NqtK7qC/?utm_medium=copy_link

Because we are heard animals, we are supposed to get affected by other people and their nerveussystem

People can be pushed into different attatchmentstyles through their entire life. Also a secure person can be pushed into one or more of the 3 insecurely attatchmentstyles.

You can read the 3 healing threads in the general discussion forum …. Ambivalent, avoidant, desorganised.

jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1188/attatchment-style-decription-relying-thetests

Last Edit: Mar 27, 2022 0:35:38 GMT by anne12

tnr9
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Wounds from childhood or prior relationships? Mar 26, 2022 4:21:21 GMT

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Post by tnr9 on Mar 26, 2022 4:21:21 GMT

Mar 26, 2022 2:48:15 GMT ctlguy260 said:

I have been pondering a question for a while now and would like to know others thoughts.

It seems like every explanation for FA/DA is tied back to the parent/child bond. I am totally anxious and know all about my past clearly, but I was just in a long relationship with an FA who was in a long marriage with a textbook narc where she had deep wounds stemming from it.

So here is what is throwing me off. I knew her parents well. They are both 76 and still in love and they both have a really special relationship with her and vice versa. All 3 truly are very special people, so it is so hard to imagine her carrying anything from her childhood, but I read that everything ties back to childhood. I assume that someone can have a very secure attachment style from their childhood and become FA very later on in life?

That isn’t exactly correct…we do encourage individuals who join these boards to explore their own attachment with their parents….it isn’t about a partner exploring that. But Anne is right…there are several aspects to trauma…and being married to a narc can inflict a huge amount of trauma on a person. And although I get all of these questions about her attachment wounding…I would encourage you to take the focus off of her and start to unpack your own attachment issues. Focusing on the ex partner is one way to avoid moving forward because it keeps the focus “elsewhere”.