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Post by janeseymour on Mar 30, 2022 21:06:51 GMT
I (cis-het female) met this guy (cis-het male) in a gym class a few months ago. He is one of the instructors. He's at least a decade younger than me but it's not obvious, if that matters. We meet once a week in this class. After a few weeks, he started to stare at me--once he was looking at my body and looked at my face with this intense look in his eyes. Afterward, I walked into the waiting area and he was staring intently and seriously at my face to the point that it was making me uncomfortable so I looked down and started taking off my shoes without looking back again. I tried to friend him on social media and he didn't accept, even though he is friends with most others in the class. There would be some vague flirting--he would never approach me to talk, I had to approach him. One time I looked him in the face to say hi, but he looked straight to the ground and avoided eye contact, like he was shy or intimidated. Is this because he knows that I have noticed him after he was staring at me before?
A few weeks after that, he invited me to do a practice session with him (in the sport) and quickly walked out of the room as if embarrassed. So the next time, I told him that yes, I wanted to do the practice with him. He then messaged me asking me what I wanted to do in the practice session and we chatted a bit. We exchanged some other information for a couple of days, seemingly getting to know each other. He asked questions about me and my career. But then he suddenly wanted to reschedule the practice session to a day that I couldn't accommodate. Seeing that as a rejection (I am anxious) I said nevermind, maybe another time. But then he started asking more questions about me.
A few weeks pass and we chat again and he's like, text me sometime. So I did and he didn't get back to me for two days and it was a short response, not engaging with my text at all so I stopped texting him. He sent an email saying he hasn't forgotten about the practice session but that he needs to get his life in order--he's busy with his job (classic avoidant excuse). And that's that. I went out of town so haven't seen or heard from him. I am interested in him but his mixed signals are really confusing.
I want to add that this guy never goes out to social events. After class, some of us go out for a drink. There are social events related to our sport that he never attends because he doesn't like it. He is a serious guy and very into the sport that we share but he is a loner and a real introvert. I know I should stop romanticizing these troubled souls, but he started it with the staring and nonverbal stuff! Only to go cold on me--familiar story, I know...
Is this guy not interested? Interested? Being polite? Lost interest? Avoidant? Shy? I am feeling sad about it because I was really interested in getting to know him but he's shaking my confidence. Please advise.
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Post by usernametaken on Mar 30, 2022 21:49:08 GMT
None of us can tell you what this guy wants, or doesn't want. It doesn't even matter what his deal is, you need to turn this around and use it as an opportunity to examine why you are romanticizing this. "He started it" sounds like an excuse you are telling yourself to justify all the mental energy you are expending. He hasn't gone cold on you, because he hasn't even gone hot on you.
If you want to get to know him, how about directly inviting him out for drinks with everyone next time?
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Post by alexandra on Mar 30, 2022 23:12:58 GMT
I agree with this comment.
In addition, if someone shows interest but does not follow through -- this is a huge red flag that there is a reason for it. Whether that's because the person isn't ready for any relationship (so forget about ever showing and sticking with real commitment...), the person has another partner they haven't mentioned, or they are just unreliable, inconsistent behavior like this signals a lot about that person and nothing about you! At this point I believe he's shown you who he is and the level of interest he's capable of, and you deserve something better and less confusing. I've never dated a guy who gave me mixed signals or couldn't kick his own interest into gear that things ever worked out with. Usually they led to me wasting my own time. If you're looking for something forever casual and non-committal then that's fine too, but if his behavior isn't matching up with what you're hoping for, try to depersonalize it and move on to someone who is emotionally available enough to consistently show interest and follow up!
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Post by janeseymour on Mar 30, 2022 23:30:54 GMT
yeah you are both right. I plan to actively avoid him--just be available as an acquaintance. It feels too vulnerable and uncomfortable to ask him out to drinks with the rest of the class because I hinted at that once and he adamantly said he was going out alone. Why did I think he was interested? He isn't. If he was, he would show it. Ugh, now I have to deal with seeing him in class...why do men do this? Is it avoidant attachment?
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Post by alexandra on Mar 30, 2022 23:44:49 GMT
His lack of follow up may mean he's not interested, and it may mean nothing. He could also be interested but have no follow through -- which again, isn't about you at all. It means he's not in a good place to be dating. Don't assume the worst about yourself in this scenario. He's just shown himself to not be a good prospect, that's all.
And yes, if a guy is interested and has feelings but never acts on them, that may be due to an insecure attachment style or being emotionally unavailable. I have had that happen. One example I'll give is, someone asked me out, I gave him my number, he never used it but we traveled in the same social circles. Several YEARS later, we were in a position to try things out and he told me he'd always had feelings for me but thought I was out of his league and wouldn't really be interested even though I said yes the first time he asked and gave him my number!!!... and he was so messy that giving things a go was a short but terrible experience! I didn't understand attachment at the time, but in retrospect he's 100% got an avoidant attachment style. I assume FA, but we don't talk anymore so I don't know for sure. I also think he had a drinking problem which contributed to the erratic behavior. But it really taught me that sometimes things aren't about missed connection, wires crossed, or bad timing... you don't know how someone really is until you get a chance to know them. If they won't give you that chance, don't assume it is a reflection on you. Even if it is lack of interest from the guy, that doesn't say anything about your value, it only says that you're not compatible together.
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Post by janeseymour on Mar 30, 2022 23:56:39 GMT
thanks everyone! these are great replies. I am seeking therapy--so hard to find a therapist these days but finally found one! The therapy is to examine why this incident and a previous one have made be so anxious and depressed. I know I have either an anxious or disorganized style and have had so many failed, short relationships or nonstarters in the last ten YEARS that I am losing my confidence in the possibility of having a healthy relationship. I have done the strong independent single woman thing for years and I have accomplished a lot on my own. In fact, I was a lot stronger in my 30s exploring single life and I feel a lot happier single than when some guy I like is making me feel bad with inconsistent behavior. I know I don't need anyone but I really would like a partner. I am in my late 40s but feel a lot younger in some ways because I don't have a ton of relationships/marriages/kids experience. alexandra, thanks for your informative anecdote! This guy I am dealing with sounds similar--avoidant, fearful, lacking in confidence. Why are these bachelors so intriguing? For me, it's because I see the tenderness and desire to connect beneath the messy, as you say, exterior. It's not only me that has commented on "my" guy's strange behavior. Someone said that he was awkward. That's true--he's awkward, but I guess we caretaking empathetic people see woundedness and go into "I can fix it" mode. I know what this situation is triggering in me and I know it's unhealthy. I know what I need to do and it is to create a wide space of safety for myself to avoid unhealthy patterns that I thought I was done with years ago! But I guess there is an overabundance of insecurely attached people (me) still in the so-called dating pool. So it's harder I guess... |
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Post by usernametaken on Mar 31, 2022 0:09:40 GMT
thanks everyone! these are great replies. I am seeking therapy--so hard to find a therapist these days but finally found one! The therapy is to examine why this incident and a previous one have made be so anxious and depressed. I know I have either an anxious or disorganized style and have had so many failed, short relationships or nonstarters in the last ten YEARS that I am losing my confidence in the possibility of having a healthy relationship. I have done the strong independent single woman thing for years and I have accomplished a lot on my own. In fact, I was a lot stronger in my 30s exploring single life and I feel a lot happier single than when some guy I like is making me feel bad with inconsistent behavior. I know I don't need anyone but I really would like a partner. I am in my late 40s but feel a lot younger in some ways because I don't have a ton of relationships/marriages/kids experience. It is okay to want a partner, that is a pretty normal human need. I think society makes us feel we should be 100% okay on our own, but even with a great life and friends you can still find yourself missing a romantic relationship. It takes a lot of work, but as you process what made you this way, and build up your self esteem, you will start to find that inconsistent behavior becomes a turn off, and learn how to stop taking it personally. I really like the instagrams of @therapyjeff for positive messages and @fixyourpicker for blunt but honest advice. |
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Post by janeseymour on Mar 31, 2022 0:13:46 GMT
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Post by anne12 on Mar 31, 2022 2:13:05 GMT
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3407/fall-love-when-experience-crushYou are in a gym class and he is the instructor - beside all the other possible explanations of why we will get attracted to another person, don’t underestimate the impact of: Pheromones You are as a woman attracted to different types of men depending where you as a woman are in your menstratual cycle You are attracted to different types of men weather you as a woman are on the pill or not
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Post by anne12 on Mar 31, 2022 3:30:56 GMT
A strong single woman…..who wants to save younger, introverted, workaholic like, troubled men jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3044/reach-out-help-care-loveyou can play with your feminine/masculine energy - the feminine is the receptive, you feed your feminine side by giving yourself pleasure on a daily basis among other things, recieving with grace and by setting boundaries jebkinnisonforum.com/post/36635/jebkinnisonforum.com/post/36729/Your inner Devine feminine woman - Your inner woman, the pridorminal woman is wise, powerful, creative, playful, laughing, lively, lovely and easy going. She is not passive at all. She keeps her heart open no matter what happens - jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3080/living-life-open-heart - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/40662/Your sensual erotic energy - there’s a lot of power in that energy - And your inner little happy girl, who is your essence - jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3269/happy-inner-child-essence - it can help aps not to caretake, overfunction ect. |
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