Why your anger with an avoidant is a waste of time

this was a great article, thanks!

i have a lot of thoughts about codependence. it seems to be such a fine line as to where seeking reassurance in a healthy way could easily tip into dependence.

i have known my boyfriend P for decades. we were part of an extremely close knit friend group growing up. so, i have known him for decades, but we got together just under a year ago. when we were young, i always had a crush on him but he just wanted to be friends. we grew up and i moved away and lived in another country for the last 20 years and we lost touch, but when i moved back last year, i was tracking down my old dear friends. me and him met up and well, we definitely clicked across the board. i couldnt believe it! (literally). we are extremely compatible. he lives in a different city about 3h away and we meet pretty much every weekend and use text throughout the day and speak once or twice a week. i am going to move in with him in about 6 months. i am super excited and i think we will be just fine.

when we were younger, he was closed up like a little fist. no one was getting in. i expected the same P that i knew then. but this was a different P, the same, but all grown up and emotionally available, and this time he really wanted me. i dont know what i expected when we met up, the funny thing is, i had lost all my youthful infatuation for him but when he initiated our first kiss i was definitely interested, i have always thought he was an amazing person! but, deep down i didnt think any of it would go anywhere because you know, P, he is a closed book, right? perfect! no risk! i jumped right in, ready to play out the familiar old scenario of loving someone who wouldnt love me back, but... he was different now. he was open and making it clear he thought we should make a go of it and that he had real feelings for me, and i knew i did too & then .... we properly fell in love. whoooops! but really, we are very happy, and i am looking forward to being with him, but i keep freaking myself out.

being apart, sometimes my mind will string together some random facts/situation interpretation to create a fabricated storyline in which i feel certain he is about to betray me or that it's happening right now, evidence of which is just my fears stringing crap together, sometimes it gets too much. i start to buy into the untruth and get scared, and this affects me physically too, i will feel my heart racing and i go numb/cold all over, as if i have just found out that my fears are actually true. it is usually always a feeling that he is being unfaithful to me, which i have experienced in 2 long term relationships, so no big mystery why i fear this. he knows all about all of this. i c

in those moments, i will sometimes send him a shitty text (these range from 'i cant do this, i dont want to ruin your life with my issues', to 'if you want to end this whole thing, just say' etc etc. i guess i am just panicking and trying to get some reassurance in those moments, but have no idea how to do it correctly. it must also appear to come totally out of the blue for him, but he has always been kind and reassuring - every time. however, i also loathe myself for needing reassurance. i am terrified of becoming emotionally dependent.

he is a very good solid person and he does reassure me and he also understands where this all comes from, and although he has a lot of patience with me, i dont ever want to find the end of his patience, and i dont want to exhaust him. the more serious things got, the more it seemed to happen. as time goes on, i have just started to tell him 'its happening again, i have added up x,y,z to equal such and such'. he will then talk it through with me and give more details so i can see how my concocted tale is false. they are always false. but then afterwards i beat myself up for having sought any reassurance, and for making him feel like he has to justify anything to me. i tell myself, if this is what he has to do to reassure me, then how can this be healthy? i truly Hate it. & this is not who i am!!

if i try to hold it inside, and not talk it through with him, i will get a stomachache for days, walk around with a bag of pain and doubt, and just feel out of sorts. the only way i can comfort myself is to tell myself how i can make it on my own just fine if he lets me down, and i do believe that! but then that can lead to me also thinking i should just end it because i will never be able to trust and get really defeatist. i have no real desire to end it - at all! i love him very much and i believe he loves me and is a trustworthy person. eventually, my mind will move on, but it takes longer than if i just tell him what is happening. he encourages me to tell him when it happens and not to suffer alone in my mind and let things spin out.

i guess, i just wonder whether this is a healthy dynamic. it helps me when he listens and reassures with facts, and loving words. but i dont want this to be my go-to solution. i need to learn to deal with this stuff on my own! i dont want to cause him an ounce of trouble, even if it is OK with him! it is not ok with me.

how can you know the line between seeking healthy reassurance whilst not becoming dependent upon that same reassurance? yes, i am in therapy, and i understand where all of this stuff came from. P and I both believe this is just something that we can work through and he says it may never completely go away.

this weekend, he said if i ever need to hear that he loves me in a certain moment, just to tell him i need this and he will. i thought that was so sweet. but i think i figured out that i am not really scared of him not loving me, because i know how to do life solo, no probs, but i am more afraid of wasting my precious time (life) on someone who is deceiving me. although i dont believe he ever would, i just get so scared sometimes.

i am going to talk to him tonight and tell him that, more than reassurances of love, what i really need is reassurance that if he is unhappy with me, our relationship, anything, that he will tell me, and we can talk about things, and that he will not just run out and cheat on me, or suddenly leave without warning. maybe that promise is something i can remind myself when i start getting scared, more than telling me he loves me, i will know that we have an agreement that there will be warnings before our relationship were ever to vanish into thin air. i dunno i despise needing anything, i just want to be a cool-headed goddess. lol. because i am sure that is what he deserves. he is awesome.

elizabeth, you should start your own thread, it'll get more traction. I think attunement and acknowledging bids for attention is healthy, but needing excessive validation and external emotional regulation is not. Another source to add that you may find helpful is John Gottman's research in this space.

Oh, I'm not saying they can't be but the title of your thread stuck me as aimed at those who date avoidants. Those of us who lean anxious can be quick to point the finger at our partner. I've actually seen the avoidant codependant called counter-dependent before.

i am not sure what her specialty is, i just found her on BetterHelp online, when i decided to try and fix my problem, she was matched with me.  i am going to make a new thread in the FA section...  thanks again!

I really enjoyed this article Introvert! Simple and straight to the point.

elizabeth - just a quick thought, but in terms of making sure that your need for reassurance doesn't fall into co-dependency, how about checking in regularly with your BF that he is okay with providing the reassurance that you need, and you offering ideas to the mix so that you can begin to feel more trust over time. Perhaps you have an agreed phrase that you use when you begin to feel that way... so that it's clear you're just having a moment of insecurity and that it's nothing that he's done.

With my ex-FA he said the same things to me that felt like they came out of the blue, encouraging me to end it, telling me it's clear I can do better than him etc. I didn't reassure him though... I just told him to think about it a bit longer and let me know if that's definitely what he wanted. I didn't want to do the co-dependent trap either, and I think anticipating someone else's needs without them actually expressing them, and then fulfilling them to the detriment of your own feelings and emotions is where you move into codependency. Whereas if he'd said, I feel a bit insecure at the moment, I just need a moment of reassurance that everything is okay. There's no manipulation in that, and it's easy to give that reassurance as a loving partner knowing you're not taking on the entire responsibility to 'fix' the other person's insecure feelings.

thanks sunrisequest !  it is a great suggestion, and i do check in with him a lot to make sure he is okay.  it almost feel like the only thing i need from him is to understand, when these episodes happen, that this is not his fault, i am not doing it on purpose, it isn't actually ME (or HIM).  i dont think there is actually anything he can say or do until i work it out in my own head.  sometimes the facts he provides to supplement and/or topple the scenario i have created in my head is extremely helpful, but makes me feel ridiculous afterwards.  he says he doesnt mind and he understands, but i will always make sure he really is okay with things.  he told me that if i need reassurances of his love, he is happy to provide that, but i dont think that is really what i need in those moments.  i think i would find it so difficult to come out and say 'i need reassurance' anyway.  i think it is pretty obvious to him when it is happening, he knows it's 'the thing' and it is has been a new development where i actually have started to tell him what crazy story i am making up in my head.  he can see how my mind adds things up.  but this is a stage i want to move past.  i dont want my mind to add things up, even though i know it is trying to protect me by doing so.  it seems to be helping though, telling him.  Sometimes we joke about it later, some crazy thing i made up.  I like that we use humour to deal with it, as it helps me not take myself too seriously, although i know it is no joke in reality.  On another level it helps to tell him exactly what I am thinking, no matter how silly it must seem, because more and more, each time my brain starts stringing random things together to convince myself he is betraying me, i now know i can tell him, so i try to think how it would sound to him and sometimes that perspective can make me realise how ridiculous it is and start to deal with it myself, before needing to blurt it out to him.  that`s the direction i think things are moving.  maybe i am just finally starting to trust him more.


"I think anticipating someone else's needs without them actually expressing them, and then fulfilling them to the detriment of your own feelings and emotions is where you move into codependency."  - yeah this makes a lot of sense.  i dont think we have that dynamic thankfully.  i have told him not to change one thing about his life in response to my issue.  he has to keep being who he is, and being a free person, and living his life the way he wants to.  All i would ask is that he tells me if he is having any problems with our relationship, and i think he would.  i think he might actually really love me.  unbelievable!