Post by elizabeth on Jun 22, 2022 13:54:38 GMT
OK, i have posted the below on another thread, and was advised to move to my own one.... so here goes. this was what i originally said below, although i do have some things to add which i will do in a separate post.
i have a lot of thoughts about codependence. it seems to be such a fine line as to where seeking reassurance in a healthy way could easily tip into dependence.
i have known my boyfriend P for decades. we were part of an extremely close knit friend group growing up. so, i have known him for decades, but we got together just under a year ago. when we were young, i always had a crush on him but he just wanted to be friends. we grew up and i moved away and lived in another country for the last 20 years and we lost touch, but when i moved back last year, i was tracking down my old dear friends. me and him met up and well, we definitely clicked across the board. i couldnt believe it! (literally). we are extremely compatible. he lives in a different city about 3h away and we meet pretty much every weekend and use text throughout the day and speak once or twice a week. i am going to move in with him in about 6 months. i am super excited and i think we will be just fine.
when we were younger, he was closed up like a little fist. no one was getting in. i expected the same P that i knew then. but this was a different P, the same, but all grown up and emotionally available, and this time he really wanted me. i dont know what i expected when we met up, the funny thing is, i had lost all my youthful infatuation for him but when he initiated our first kiss i was definitely interested, i have always thought he was an amazing person! but, deep down i didnt think any of it would go anywhere because you know, P, he is a closed book, right? perfect! no risk! i jumped right in, ready to play out the familiar old scenario of loving someone who wouldnt love me back, but... he was different now. he was open and making it clear he thought we should make a go of it and that he had real feelings for me, and i knew i did too & then .... we properly fell in love. whoooops! but really, we are very happy, and i am looking forward to being with him, but i keep freaking myself out.
being apart, sometimes my mind will string together some random facts/situation interpretation to create a fabricated storyline in which i feel certain he is about to betray me or that it's happening right now, evidence of which is just my fears stringing crap together, sometimes it gets too much. i start to buy into the untruth and get scared, and this affects me physically too, i will feel my heart racing and i go numb/cold all over, as if i have just found out that my fears are actually true. it is usually always a feeling that he is being unfaithful to me, which i have experienced in 2 long term relationships, so no big mystery why i fear this. he knows all about all of this. i c
in those moments, i will sometimes send him a shitty text (these range from 'i cant do this, i dont want to ruin your life with my issues', to 'if you want to end this whole thing, just say' etc etc. i guess i am just panicking and trying to get some reassurance in those moments, but have no idea how to do it correctly. it must also appear to come totally out of the blue for him, but he has always been kind and reassuring - every time. however, i also loathe myself for needing reassurance. i am terrified of becoming emotionally dependent.
he is a very good solid person and he does reassure me and he also understands where this all comes from, and although he has a lot of patience with me, i dont ever want to find the end of his patience, and i dont want to exhaust him. the more serious things got, the more it seemed to happen. as time goes on, i have just started to tell him 'its happening again, i have added up x,y,z to equal such and such'. he will then talk it through with me and give more details so i can see how my concocted tale is false. they are always false. but then afterwards i beat myself up for having sought any reassurance, and for making him feel like he has to justify anything to me. i tell myself, if this is what he has to do to reassure me, then how can this be healthy? i truly Hate it. & this is not who i am!!
if i try to hold it inside, and not talk it through with him, i will get a stomachache for days, walk around with a bag of pain and doubt, and just feel out of sorts. the only way i can comfort myself is to tell myself how i can make it on my own just fine if he lets me down, and i do believe that! but then that can lead to me also thinking i should just end it because i will never be able to trust and get really defeatist. i have no real desire to end it - at all! i love him very much and i believe he loves me and is a trustworthy person. eventually, my mind will move on, but it takes longer than if i just tell him what is happening. he encourages me to tell him when it happens and not to suffer alone in my mind and let things spin out.
i guess, i just wonder whether this is a healthy dynamic. it helps me when he listens and reassures with facts, and loving words. but i dont want this to be my go-to solution. i need to learn to deal with this stuff on my own! i dont want to cause him an ounce of trouble, even if it is OK with him! it is not ok with me.
how can you know the line between seeking healthy reassurance whilst not becoming dependent upon that same reassurance? yes, i am in therapy, and i understand where all of this stuff came from. P and I both believe this is just something that we can work through and he says it may never completely go away.
this weekend, he said if i ever need to hear that he loves me in a certain moment, just to tell him i need this and he will. i thought that was so sweet. but i think i figured out that i am not really scared of him not loving me, because i know how to do life solo, no probs, but i am more afraid of wasting my precious time (life) on someone who is deceiving me. although i dont believe he ever would, i just get so scared sometimes.
i am going to talk to him tonight and tell him that, more than reassurances of love, what i really need is reassurance that if he is unhappy with me, our relationship, anything, that he will tell me, and we can talk about things, and that he will not just run out and cheat on me, or suddenly leave without warning. maybe that promise is something i can remind myself when i start getting scared, more than telling me he loves me, i will know that we have an agreement that there will be warnings before our relationship were ever to vanish into thin air. i dunno i despise needing anything, i just want to be a cool-headed goddess. lol. because i am sure that is what he deserves. he is awesome.
i have a lot of thoughts about codependence. it seems to be such a fine line as to where seeking reassurance in a healthy way could easily tip into dependence.
i have known my boyfriend P for decades. we were part of an extremely close knit friend group growing up. so, i have known him for decades, but we got together just under a year ago. when we were young, i always had a crush on him but he just wanted to be friends. we grew up and i moved away and lived in another country for the last 20 years and we lost touch, but when i moved back last year, i was tracking down my old dear friends. me and him met up and well, we definitely clicked across the board. i couldnt believe it! (literally). we are extremely compatible. he lives in a different city about 3h away and we meet pretty much every weekend and use text throughout the day and speak once or twice a week. i am going to move in with him in about 6 months. i am super excited and i think we will be just fine.
when we were younger, he was closed up like a little fist. no one was getting in. i expected the same P that i knew then. but this was a different P, the same, but all grown up and emotionally available, and this time he really wanted me. i dont know what i expected when we met up, the funny thing is, i had lost all my youthful infatuation for him but when he initiated our first kiss i was definitely interested, i have always thought he was an amazing person! but, deep down i didnt think any of it would go anywhere because you know, P, he is a closed book, right? perfect! no risk! i jumped right in, ready to play out the familiar old scenario of loving someone who wouldnt love me back, but... he was different now. he was open and making it clear he thought we should make a go of it and that he had real feelings for me, and i knew i did too & then .... we properly fell in love. whoooops! but really, we are very happy, and i am looking forward to being with him, but i keep freaking myself out.
being apart, sometimes my mind will string together some random facts/situation interpretation to create a fabricated storyline in which i feel certain he is about to betray me or that it's happening right now, evidence of which is just my fears stringing crap together, sometimes it gets too much. i start to buy into the untruth and get scared, and this affects me physically too, i will feel my heart racing and i go numb/cold all over, as if i have just found out that my fears are actually true. it is usually always a feeling that he is being unfaithful to me, which i have experienced in 2 long term relationships, so no big mystery why i fear this. he knows all about all of this. i c
in those moments, i will sometimes send him a shitty text (these range from 'i cant do this, i dont want to ruin your life with my issues', to 'if you want to end this whole thing, just say' etc etc. i guess i am just panicking and trying to get some reassurance in those moments, but have no idea how to do it correctly. it must also appear to come totally out of the blue for him, but he has always been kind and reassuring - every time. however, i also loathe myself for needing reassurance. i am terrified of becoming emotionally dependent.
he is a very good solid person and he does reassure me and he also understands where this all comes from, and although he has a lot of patience with me, i dont ever want to find the end of his patience, and i dont want to exhaust him. the more serious things got, the more it seemed to happen. as time goes on, i have just started to tell him 'its happening again, i have added up x,y,z to equal such and such'. he will then talk it through with me and give more details so i can see how my concocted tale is false. they are always false. but then afterwards i beat myself up for having sought any reassurance, and for making him feel like he has to justify anything to me. i tell myself, if this is what he has to do to reassure me, then how can this be healthy? i truly Hate it. & this is not who i am!!
if i try to hold it inside, and not talk it through with him, i will get a stomachache for days, walk around with a bag of pain and doubt, and just feel out of sorts. the only way i can comfort myself is to tell myself how i can make it on my own just fine if he lets me down, and i do believe that! but then that can lead to me also thinking i should just end it because i will never be able to trust and get really defeatist. i have no real desire to end it - at all! i love him very much and i believe he loves me and is a trustworthy person. eventually, my mind will move on, but it takes longer than if i just tell him what is happening. he encourages me to tell him when it happens and not to suffer alone in my mind and let things spin out.
i guess, i just wonder whether this is a healthy dynamic. it helps me when he listens and reassures with facts, and loving words. but i dont want this to be my go-to solution. i need to learn to deal with this stuff on my own! i dont want to cause him an ounce of trouble, even if it is OK with him! it is not ok with me.
how can you know the line between seeking healthy reassurance whilst not becoming dependent upon that same reassurance? yes, i am in therapy, and i understand where all of this stuff came from. P and I both believe this is just something that we can work through and he says it may never completely go away.
this weekend, he said if i ever need to hear that he loves me in a certain moment, just to tell him i need this and he will. i thought that was so sweet. but i think i figured out that i am not really scared of him not loving me, because i know how to do life solo, no probs, but i am more afraid of wasting my precious time (life) on someone who is deceiving me. although i dont believe he ever would, i just get so scared sometimes.
i am going to talk to him tonight and tell him that, more than reassurances of love, what i really need is reassurance that if he is unhappy with me, our relationship, anything, that he will tell me, and we can talk about things, and that he will not just run out and cheat on me, or suddenly leave without warning. maybe that promise is something i can remind myself when i start getting scared, more than telling me he loves me, i will know that we have an agreement that there will be warnings before our relationship were ever to vanish into thin air. i dunno i despise needing anything, i just want to be a cool-headed goddess. lol. because i am sure that is what he deserves. he is awesome.
that i can start to look at. Thank You!
. but i am usually breathing so fast and my heart is pounding and my thoughts are just racing by. it sucks! i feel like i cannot access my usual self at all in those moments.
. but i am usually breathing so fast and my heart is pounding and my thoughts are just racing by. it sucks! i feel like i cannot access my usual self at all in those moments.