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Post by seeking on Jul 10, 2022 18:05:35 GMT
Well, here's a couple questions that I eventually confronted in my experience of going from impossibly single to commuted, that have to do with deep subconscious feelings. Do you reject over little things because you fear that you will be rejected over elements of your life that may be challenging to someone else? Do you believe in the partner you envision, someone actually choosing you and coming along side you in your life, for good and for bad? Or is that a fantasy that seems unobtainable for reasons you shove down? Do you believe there is any man willing to commit and make the kinds of sacrifices that you make? I'm not sure that I had the best answers to those questions before I found my life partner. But I can tell you I've been dumbfounded at the lengths he will go to in order to support me. He does it out of his heart, who he is. What I can say, is that if you find yourself rejecting a man who has a lot of positive qualities and who is interested in exploring a relationship with you, you will lose that opportunity to explore. And dating is all about exploration. If you're done with him, fine. But of course challenge yourself to see why. You simply will have to deal with some turn offs in the big picture of love, and doing so does require developing that tolerance muscle. Maybe you do your best to put some issues in the "Does not matter in my bigger picture" pile and test how that runs for you- feel it out. That's how I began to differentiate and choose my partner in spite of his imperfections. And certainly, he's done that for me. That's the grace mentioned. And, of course the grace has to start with an honest assessment of how you may be challenging to someone, in little ways that turn them off. It's the reality, we all have those aspects. And can you be gentle with yourself in those areas? As always, it's an inside job. It's confusing to take the steps into unknown territory as you work toward healthier relating- there are risks involved and mistakes to be made. But doing something different to the feeling is sometimes required... allowing openness and curiosity about solutions to take the place of judgements and turning your heart off. These are great questions! |
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Post by introvert on Jul 10, 2022 19:27:40 GMT
My boyfriend's annoying habits or different ways of doing things don't matter at all when he's helping me through some of the most crushingly difficult things in my life. He's there, he's ALWAYS there for me and it can be easy to forget when things are going just fine or I have an avoidant mood. It's just a mood. But the reality is that he's been a rock for me and changed my life for the better, forever. Even if something were to happen to him I know he's changed my trajectory. For the better, forever. And his house is a mess and he's got undiagnosed adhd, I'm sure if it. All those realities about him exist in the same perfect partner for me. It's beyond words, how he supports me in my parenting and grand parenting and every aspiration I have. And he can be annoying. Ha . I love him so much.
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Post by seeking on Jul 12, 2022 10:44:23 GMT
With the current guy
Do you reject over little things because you fear that you will be rejected over elements of your life that may be challenging to someone else?
I was very very turned off by his spending a little extra money on his normal grocery budget for a holiday so trying to "make up for it" by spending a few dollars less in the ensuing weeks. Maybe it's some ridiculous challenge to himself. But I don't see how anyone can spend $17 a week on groceries as an adult man and be healthy. He says he "eats mostly vegetables" or something but it repulsed me?
But I also immediately thought "He'd never be able to handle me." for me and my daughter alone, I spend $400! It's a mortgage, and yes it's insane, but we have so many food allergies (even down to having to get eggs without soy) and not being able to eat a lot of carbs, so doing tons of organic fruit and veggies and meats/proteins.
I immediately decided "It wouldn't work" - I don't like people who are unusually cheap.
Do you believe in the partner you envision, someone actually choosing you and coming along side you in your life, for good and for bad? Or is that a fantasy that seems unobtainable for reasons you shove down?
Funnily enough, no! Yes, unobtainable. Reasons - because that's been reality for years.
Do you believe there is any man willing to commit and make the kinds of sacrifices that you make?
Oh boy. Guess I have some work to do.
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Post by introvert on Jul 12, 2022 13:56:44 GMT
With the current guy Do you reject over little things because you fear that you will be rejected over elements of your life that may be challenging to someone else?I was very very turned off by his spending a little extra money on his normal grocery budget for a holiday so trying to "make up for it" by spending a few dollars less in the ensuing weeks. Maybe it's some ridiculous challenge to himself. But I don't see how anyone can spend $17 a week on groceries as an adult man and be healthy. He says he "eats mostly vegetables" or something but it repulsed me? But I also immediately thought "He'd never be able to handle me." for me and my daughter alone, I spend $400! It's a mortgage, and yes it's insane, but we have so many food allergies (even down to having to get eggs without soy) and not being able to eat a lot of carbs, so doing tons of organic fruit and veggies and meats/proteins. I immediately decided "It wouldn't work" - I don't like people who are unusually cheap. Do you believe in the partner you envision, someone actually choosing you and coming along side you in your life, for good and for bad? Or is that a fantasy that seems unobtainable for reasons you shove down?
Funnily enough, no! Yes, unobtainable. Reasons - because that's been reality for years. Do you believe there is any man willing to commit and make the kinds of sacrifices that you make?
Oh boy. Guess I have some work to do. Yeah, I get the groceries budget seems incompatible. Financial values and priorities can be a real sticking point. I'm wondering if there is a trigger for you there as well... based on the emotionally repulsed response to his budget. Disgust can be a reaction to some kind of trauma. Or maybe it could be simply a confirmation of the thought that he could not support you in the way you need by aligning with your financial values... confirming a deeply held idea that there is no man out there who can truly come along side you to meet your daughter's needs. I could see that feeling absolutely disheartening, confirming your deepest fear, over something that seems so relatively small. Just batting it around with you. Did you have a conversation about it? Maybe you were too repulsed and just withdrew over it. But an open discussion may reveal information different to your thoughts/assumptions/fears about this issue and how it relates to shared values or not. I mean who knows, maybe he's absolutely interested in being compatible with you. I mean, you just never know really until you communicate... seriously my boyfriend and I have some areas where a match seems impossible but communication and negotiation (which requires some courage to open the can of worms) proved to be very helpful and we have truly found a way to align in ways that bring us even closer together. I have a few examples of that. Issues that could have broken us provided an opportunity to bond deeply over understanding each other and drawing in to support one another and the relationship. It's actually life changing. That all said, I'm not trying to influence to accept this guy- I'm just exploring the question with you- what is this about and is it really what I think it is? How can I know and how can I trust my perceptions and conclusions? |
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Post by seeking on Jul 17, 2022 16:33:11 GMT
So what's interesting is that he wrote me an email recently (I tend to sort of just drop off) (and yet have parts that appreciate his keeping it going - since I'm usually the one doing that) (and parts that feel a little pursued, and like that). And he tells me he's still away - he took time off and got his whole townhouse renovated from top to bottom (one of his daughters lives there too - and he left all the design up to her) and he said he is staying at a friend's now, and thinks he just got a big promotion b/c there was a lot more money in his paycheck this time....
I got such a different impression of him. Yes, the grocery thing is still icky and weird to me. And it's not like I get the impression he's all free and easy with money. But more that he is a bit at a distance from it (not miserly/managing it) - like how do you not know you did or didn't get a promotion? Anyway, I know it would be silly to just throw this away. I still have a lot of reservations - but he is truly a very genuine, kind, sensitive, smart man. He asked to do a video meet up again soon.
And he sees the stuff on FB I post about (which I'm really transparent about - stuff I'm going through - pics of my life) so ... I don't know. I think I have to let my parts be used to just kindness, rather than "edge" -- we'll see.
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Post by introvert on Jul 17, 2022 17:27:01 GMT
So what's interesting is that he wrote me an email recently (I tend to sort of just drop off) (and yet have parts that appreciate his keeping it going - since I'm usually the one doing that) (and parts that feel a little pursued, and like that). And he tells me he's still away - he took time off and got his whole townhouse renovated from top to bottom (one of his daughters lives there too - and he left all the design up to her) and he said he is staying at a friend's now, and thinks he just got a big promotion b/c there was a lot more money in his paycheck this time.... I got such a different impression of him. Yes, the grocery thing is still icky and weird to me. And it's not like I get the impression he's all free and easy with money. But more that he is a bit at a distance from it (not miserly/managing it) - like how do you not know you did or didn't get a promotion? Anyway, I know it would be silly to just throw this away. I still have a lot of reservations - but he is truly a very genuine, kind, sensitive, smart man. He asked to do a video meet up again soon. And he sees the stuff on FB I post about (which I'm really transparent about - stuff I'm going through - pics of my life) so ... I don't know. I think I have to let my parts be used to just kindness, rather than "edge" -- we'll see. It seems like opening to kindness is a great start. Also, though, it seems you could grow by asking questions instead of trying to analyze him in terms of his budget. This new information is nice, but you might be able to avoid some emotional reactions and roller coaster by just expressing curiosity about the things that bother you, and let him reveal himself to you in communication? There seems to be a bit of the anxious tendency to over analyze with a negative bias going on, generally. That's not fun for you, and it also cuts you off from potential connection and intimacy (gained by having the conversations you're avoiding). |
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Post by seeking on Jul 17, 2022 19:10:08 GMT
It seems like opening to kindness is a great start. Also, though, it seems you could grow by asking questions instead of trying to analyze him in terms of his budget. This new information is nice, but you might be able to avoid some emotional reactions and roller coaster by just expressing curiosity about the things that bother you, and let him reveal himself to you in communication? There seems to be a bit of the anxious tendency to over analyze with a negative bias going on, generally. That's not fun for you, and it also cuts you off from potential connection and intimacy (gained by having the conversations you're avoiding). Thanks, and yes that is why I'm here, posting. I'm aware of this. But I don't fully have control over it and can use support. So, again, that's why I'm here. I was curious in communication on a 90 min zoom call with him, which is when he shared about the grocery thing and I got turned off. I also noticed I reacted to the way he was looking at me. Like a little "googly eyed" with a big goofy smile. I'm aware that these are anxious tendencies that lead to avoidance of intimacy and possible connection. I'm here trying to stop that from happening. So rather than us analyzing me (I know I swing from avoidant to anxious), I am hoping for some support in getting past these things that trigger me into withdrawing. It is not fun, for sure. I didn't think -- in the moment -- to express curiousity b/c I was just shutting down. And now it's well after the fact. But, yes, sometimes I come here to kind of say "hey here's what happened," and if I see other people saying "red flag," then I listen, but I also hear people saying, "Hey that's not really a big deal and is something that can be worked through," I will try. I am at kindergarten level sometimes. And I started this thread asking what a Secure would do... |
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Jul 17, 2022 19:16:36 GMT
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Post by introvert on Jul 17, 2022 19:16:36 GMT
It seems like opening to kindness is a great start. Also, though, it seems you could grow by asking questions instead of trying to analyze him in terms of his budget. This new information is nice, but you might be able to avoid some emotional reactions and roller coaster by just expressing curiosity about the things that bother you, and let him reveal himself to you in communication? There seems to be a bit of the anxious tendency to over analyze with a negative bias going on, generally. That's not fun for you, and it also cuts you off from potential connection and intimacy (gained by having the conversations you're avoiding). Thanks, and yes that is why I'm here, posting. I'm aware of this. But I don't fully have control over it and can use support. So, again, that's why I'm here. I was curious in communication on a 90 min zoom call with him, which is when he shared about the grocery thing and I got turned off. I also noticed I reacted to the way he was looking at me. Like a little "googly eyed" with a big goofy smile. I'm aware that these are anxious tendencies that lead to avoidance of intimacy and possible connection. I'm here trying to stop that from happening. So rather than us analyzing me (I know I swing from avoidant to anxious), I am hoping for some support in getting past these things that trigger me into withdrawing. It is not fun, for sure. I didn't think -- in the moment -- to express curiousity b/c I was just shutting down. And now it's well after the fact. But, yes, sometimes I come here to kind of say "hey here's what happened," and if I see other people saying "red flag," then I listen, but I also hear people saying, "Hey that's not really a big deal and is something that can be worked through," I will try. I am at kindergarten level sometimes. And I started this thread asking what a Secure would do... Fair enough, you asked what a secure would do and I suggested that I think communicating is what a secure would do. In this and you're other thread. "It seems you could grow by asking questions." was in the first paragraph. It's wasn't clear to me that that isn't the support you're looking for. It's hard to know how to support you, and again it seems my contributions are not what you want- I think Im answering a question and you seem to not think I am. So I'll bow out and wish you the best! Would you like me to remove hy posts? |
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Post by seeking on Jul 17, 2022 19:30:38 GMT
Fair enough, you asked what a secure would do and I suggested that I think communicating is what a secure would do. In this and you're other thread. "It seems you could grow by asking questions." was in the first paragraph. It's wasn't clear to me that that isn't the support you're looking for. It's hard to know how to support you, and again it seems my contributions are not what you want- I think Im answering a question and you seem to not think I am. So I'll bow out and wish you the best! Would you like me to remove hy posts? Yes, I'm trying to work on this. I've been observing a couple friends who have this "power" (I think it's a super power) - they say right what's on their mind in the moment and it always blows me away! I know this is the subject of a different thread, but another friend of the "friend" I'm talking about in the other thread responds outright to her. I watched it once and I was amazed. I didn't think I was that conflict avoidant, but I guess I can be with someone people. She's all right there and going, "Oh, why would you do that? I don't see it that way? That's so interesting that you do that. I can't imagine." or I could have said, "Wow I can't imagine spending that little on groceries. How do you eat? Is that a goal of yours or just by accident?" But instead, I went inward and shut down and didn't even sort of realize it til later - Or, I wrote him off in the moment "I'm done." And figured it wasn't worth talking about. These aren't fully conscious choices. I'm trying with all my might to do things differently. |
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Post by seeking on Jul 17, 2022 19:32:05 GMT
Oh I just read your last paragraph. Remove what posts? Sorry, I'm confused about which posts and why you would do that?
I don't know if I'm supposed to just agree with you? It's not not helpful or helpful - it's just sort of me responding b/c I felt like I already shared my intention for this post and was clear that I'm trying to get help b/c I know what I'm supposed to do but can't do it -
You're welcome to do whatever feels most comfortable to you...
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Post by seeking on Jul 17, 2022 19:37:04 GMT
I think maybe there's a misunderstanding a little bit around the fact that I don't understand things that you have to explain to me versus understanding them but not really being clear how to do them and being able to witness my own behavior so I can do something different.
It's like I'm saying, "Hey I keep eating cookies at 10 pm and don't know how to stop." And you're explaining sort of why I shouldn't be eating cookies at 10 pm, and how it's bad for me and analyzing me around it and I'm sort of like, Yep, I'm there with you - I just don't know how to stop the behavior or be more aware of it next time.
Like you said in an earlier post, I have a tendency to be anxious -- and I'm like -um, yes, that's why I'm posting in this forum! Sorry, not trying to be mean, but just that I think that's already a given. I don't think I mean to over-analyze. I'm pretty neurodivergent, and have a certain way of understanding things and sometimes talking it out from a few different angles helps me get clear. So I think I 100% get that communication is key. That's not the issue - my understanding that communication is key - it's more how do I do that in the moment? What would a secure person (which is what I'm aiming for) do? Like even just an example of "A secure person might say, "blah blah blah"
But it's really fine. I appreciate your help. I know it is well-intended.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 17, 2022 20:41:32 GMT
A secure person would take things more at face value without giving everything as much weight and depth if they didn't know what those things meant. I can apply meaning to things I've been very experienced with and use my experience to make some assumptions, but when I was AP then my experience was a lot more biased and my assumptions would always be coming from a place of how I think about things and what me doing the same would say about me, rather than giving people full space to show how they are or why they do things. And since insecure attachment styles are generally borne out of trauma and dysfunctional past experience, those AP assumptions came with bias that was: 1. mostly negative towards the situation 2. driven by conditioning from other emotionally unhealthy people. So my assumptions and mindreading couldn't accurately apply to someone if they were secure and I was approaching it as insecure.
So yes, it is about connecting better with yourself so you can speak your mind and communicate better. You need to sort out what you want to know and identify your own bias. It helped me to do that by something you've already mentioned, hearing different opinions and perspectives that I hadn't necessarily thought about. Especially seeing that they often weren't malicious in intent, just different, and maybe or maybe not compatible.
Think about why his grocery spending matters to you. It sounds like maybe it was something to do with if you got serious with him then it makes you believe he's not going to be able to handle the combination of routine and flexibility you and your daughter require? Maybe find out his approaches to life and stress and problems beyond what his food purchasing habits tell you by sharing life experiences. See how he thinks about challenges and handles them instead of reading into it via food hints.
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Post by usernametaken on Jul 17, 2022 20:51:32 GMT
Are you perhaps going into a freeze response when you think about communicating more? Like you can kinda hear the thoughts in your head but for the life of you, you can't actually get them out?
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Post by introvert on Jul 17, 2022 21:33:03 GMT
Oh I just read your last paragraph. Remove what posts? Sorry, I'm confused about which posts and why you would do that? I don't know if I'm supposed to just agree with you? It's not not helpful or helpful - it's just sort of me responding b/c I felt like I already shared my intention for this post and was clear that I'm trying to get help b/c I know what I'm supposed to do but can't do it - You're welcome to do whatever feels most comfortable to you... Haha no, you're not supposed to "just agree with me". I'm reading that my input isn't helpful so I offered to remove my posts just so you have less clutter and tangent in your thread as you work through it. I didn't see anything that you wrote that indicated you knew you should ask him about something, but were having a hard time doing so. I just must have missed that. I also didn't pick up that you realize more communication is needed because of your stated tendency to rely on your intuition, in general you've expressed that in a couple situations here in the forum. You expressed that in the other thread, relying on a hunch instead of initiating a conversation because you were concerned about the outcome. At any rate, the topics you've been bringing up go perfectly with a talk I've been listening to about transforming our mind and perceptions, so I chimed in with my input. I don't think it's what you need, so I'll pass on sharing further thoughts. I'm not anxious so I don't get you, basically. I'm trying but falling flat.  Sorry for the misunderstanding, and best of luck! |
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Post by usernametaken on Jul 17, 2022 23:56:56 GMT
Oh I just read your last paragraph. Remove what posts? Sorry, I'm confused about which posts and why you would do that? I don't know if I'm supposed to just agree with you? It's not not helpful or helpful - it's just sort of me responding b/c I felt like I already shared my intention for this post and was clear that I'm trying to get help b/c I know what I'm supposed to do but can't do it - You're welcome to do whatever feels most comfortable to you... Haha no, you're not supposed to "just agree with me". I'm reading that my input isn't helpful so I offered to remove my posts just so you have less clutter and tangent in your thread as you work through it. I didn't see anything that you wrote that indicated you knew you should ask him about something, but were having a hard time doing so. I just must have missed that. I also didn't pick up that you realize more communication is needed because of your stated tendency to rely on your intuition, in general you've expressed that in a couple situations here in the forum. You expressed that in the other thread, relying on a hunch instead of initiating a conversation because you were concerned about the outcome. At any rate, the topics you've been bringing up go perfectly with a talk I've been listening to about transforming our mind and perceptions, so I chimed in with my input. I don't think it's what you need, so I'll pass on sharing further thoughts. I'm not anxious so I don't get you, basically. I'm trying but falling flat. Sorry for the misunderstanding, and best of luck! Introvert, from my perspective I don't think your posts are unhelpful. The back and forth has allowed seeking to expand and clarify where she is getting stuck in her interactions. But I can see how from your perspective you may feel you are getting it more wrong than right? |
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