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Post by introvert on Nov 14, 2022 14:44:12 GMT
As in: "My ideal partner will be without intellectual or emotional flaw (any other flaw is fine!) so they will be beyond reproach when it comes to understanding me, understanding and meeting my needs, and having grace and empathy toward me. They will be the perfect partner so I will be safe and not have to face the discomfort of dealing with someone intellectually or emotionally imperfect or immature, because such a person may hurt me in some devastating way. An old soul will not reject me, they will see that I am an old soul, we will get each other and ours will be a relationship advanced beyond the hardship that other relationships face because we will appreciate each other for our mutual gifts. Since we are emotionally evolved we won't hurt each other, or at least if we do the solutions will come for sure and there won't be risk of failure because intelligent old souls don't disappoint, at least not the way my mom and dad and every attachment figure so far has." This is really helpful to see and I'm finally getting the idea of the things I do as defensive accommodations - that part is really sinking in and I still have more to process around that and also in your post. But for right now with 2 mins I have, this jumps out at me. I'm reading this and going "Oh, yeah, now I see..." but my brain is also going - but I don't feel at risk of rejection with people like the man in question. I feel more at risk with someone who presented in the way I am (apparently fantasizing) about.... as in "OMG, this is so rare, I don't want to ____________________ - lose him, have him reject me, go away, something to happen, etc. etc. " - that definitely brings up more anxiety than avoidance. But with the guy in question who is not "meeting the criteria," I feel irritated. Not in fear of rejection or insecure. So I guess that's why I'm not understanding how this works - my fault finding feels more real/genuine to me than an insecure strategy..... Like I would be bored or not engaged or disconnected - that feels more like the REAL FEAR (Being trapped in something I don't enjoy) than actual potential intimacy. I'm not saying how I'm thinking of it is right, just where my ability to understand this is at the moment. Hope that makes sense. So just to reiterate, the fear goes more like..... Someone comes along who has the traits I'm looking for - OH SH*T - what if I lose him or we get close b/c that would be terrifying considering I'd always be *preoccupied* with the idea of things getting messed up. versus The guy in question who has a lot of nice qualities and seems (at least on paper) worth pursuing, but I'm stuck on him not having the important traits I'm looking for because I DON'T WANT TO BE TRAPPED - that feels scary and sad to me. Finally partnering, but sort of "settling" and not really getting what I want. So this is why I'm SCREWED lol. Simply put, my take is that overthinking is an avoidance tactic, you don't have to take any real risks because really, there is no good partner for you in your line of thinking. You are screwed if you meet your ideal type and turned off if you don't. And, with all all ruminating about it you stay in your head and avoid all of it, obsessively perhaps. I could be off base but that's what I read when I read your posts... a self made conundrum where nobody is good enough, including you. |
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Post by introvert on Nov 14, 2022 16:00:10 GMT
In addition to attachment insecurity, you're in the age group for women experiencing hormonal changes and often an increase of anxiety, worry, and pessimism. I've experienced these negative mental and emotional aspects of perimenopause and have focused on mindfulness as a way to avoid going down the rabbit hole of unproductive negative thinking, as well as lifestyle and supplementation changes to support stress reduction and hormonal balance. Its a journey. My mind can go to some looping and worry easier when I'm not balanced in my body, and at this point I make a constant effort to be mindful of the changes and challenges my age has delivered.
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Post by seeking on Nov 15, 2022 3:05:13 GMT
Simply put, my take is that overthinking is an avoidance tactic, you don't have to take any real risks because really, there is no good partner for you in your line of thinking. You are screwed if you meet your ideal type and turned off if you don't. And, with all all ruminating about it you stay in your head and avoid all of it, obsessively perhaps. I could be off base but that's what I read when I read your posts... a self made conundrum where nobody is good enough, including you. Accurate. I'm maybe ambivalent about giving up aspects of my single life. That's what came up as I read this paragraph. |
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Post by introvert on Nov 15, 2022 3:55:02 GMT
Simply put, my take is that overthinking is an avoidance tactic, you don't have to take any real risks because really, there is no good partner for you in your line of thinking. You are screwed if you meet your ideal type and turned off if you don't. And, with all all ruminating about it you stay in your head and avoid all of it, obsessively perhaps. I could be off base but that's what I read when I read your posts... a self made conundrum where nobody is good enough, including you. Accurate. I'm maybe ambivalent about giving up aspects of my single life. That's what came up as I read this paragraph. Yeah, I've been there, only I wasted some time on dating sites swiping left and going on a few lame dates and wondering what the heck I was even doing. I wasn't available. Oh and also no one was good enough and neither was I and honestly, fear of all the unknowns was too much plus single ultimately was easier. Familiar and had its upsides for sure. |
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Post by seeking on Dec 16, 2022 13:59:39 GMT
So yesterday I got to see, real time and a little slo-mo, what comes up for me. I talked to him again on Zoom for the first time since probably spring. It's wild how different things are from email to Zoom - he's so much more sort of composed and coherent when talking. And it right away brought up self-consciousness. We had a good chat, and there's definitely some chemistry for me - But I immediately can sense myself scanning - and thinking - he's more self-possessed than I am. He's more "mature" - he's really smart and I don't know what I'm talking about right now. And later when I looked at this, I think I'm scanning for ways he might potentially reject me or not move forward. So I guess that's the Anxious Part showing up.... I also feel like my true self with him in many ways. Like I'm being me, but I feel a lot of anxiety around it. And later noticed myself thinking, Sometimes I'm really silly and weird. (Like when I'm with my daughter) - And that I have all these different sides to me. And that it's "exhausting" because someone might like this one side of you but not really other sides. And then I would feel limited, like I have to be smaller. And that's when I realized I default to being single/alone. Because it feels more comfortable. I'm not self-conscious or worrying about what I look like at home, comfortable in my own space. Or how I sound or how I come across.... And that made me realize I don't want to lose parts of me. I'm not sure what this is - avoidance or fear of _____________ what, I don't know. But I've had so much rejection in my life. Really painful rejection that I'm not willing to risk it anymore. At least these parts of me are not. And I don't want to reject parts of myself either. So sticky.  |
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Post by introvert on Dec 16, 2022 16:33:04 GMT
So yesterday I got to see, real time and a little slo-mo, what comes up for me. I talked to him again on Zoom for the first time since probably spring. It's wild how different things are from email to Zoom - he's so much more sort of composed and coherent when talking. And it right away brought up self-consciousness. We had a good chat, and there's definitely some chemistry for me - But I immediately can sense myself scanning - and thinking - he's more self-possessed than I am. He's more "mature" - he's really smart and I don't know what I'm talking about right now. And later when I looked at this, I think I'm scanning for ways he might potentially reject me or not move forward. So I guess that's the Anxious Part showing up.... I also feel like my true self with him in many ways. Like I'm being me, but I feel a lot of anxiety around it. And later noticed myself thinking, Sometimes I'm really silly and weird. (Like when I'm with my daughter) - And that I have all these different sides to me. And that it's "exhausting" because someone might like this one side of you but not really other sides. And then I would feel limited, like I have to be smaller. And that's when I realized I default to being single/alone. Because it feels more comfortable. I'm not self-conscious or worrying about what I look like at home, comfortable in my own space. Or how I sound or how I come across.... And that made me realize I don't want to lose parts of me. I'm not sure what this is - avoidance or fear of _____________ what, I don't know. But I've had so much rejection in my life. Really painful rejection that I'm not willing to risk it anymore. At least these parts of me are not. And I don't want to reject parts of myself either. So sticky. It's great you are getting some insight into all this though. As for the fear of rejection- that's a DA things as well... an insecure thing generally. I would guess that for AP it is more conscious, they are aware of it consciously and fret about it. For me, it was below the level of conscious awareness, so I didn't know it existed until I dug into the why of what I think and do. And there it was. DA avoid situations that might lead to rejection, they may not be aware of it but the fear of being seen and not being loved goes way back to the original experience. Another place that I may fear engulfment is in the constant criticism I faced as a sensitive kid in my family. So I'm sure I've tried to avoid THAT overwhelming sense of loss of self. Not successfully, as I chose people like my original attachment folks. Until I healed a bit and recognized things that feel good and chose those. I rejected my partner of three years online initially because: Conscious reasons: he's not my type, he isnt attractive to me, he seems really interested, he's confident and clearly able to carry a convo. Too much!!! Plus, single works pretty good for me for a lot of reasons and I haven't experienced someone allowing me the freedom to be myself. Unconscious reasons and beliefs that underly my "comfort" being solitary: I feel less than he, he is very accomplished, I have strong quirks and I don't want to encounter anyone's opinion of me, they might reject me. I don't understand or quite believe how someone can benefit from a relationship. I don't know what it's like to be really loved by a man. I'm not sure that it's even real. So, he pursued me a little bit and I rejected him kindly but outright, twice. Forgot about him in the meantime then encountered him in person and really felt none of those things because he was being sly and hid his interest while engaging me in my hobby and helping me grow in that. He didn't flirt or indicate he was interested so I wasn't triggered I was able to allow a friendship to grow at a distance and frankly at my comfort level before he asked me out. I didn't even quite catch that he was romantically interested when he asked me on our first date- I initially thought it was just a dinner. SO. Without being triggered I was just myself totally for 5 months and since he asked me out after seeing the real me I felt pretty good. And, I was doing some self work the whole time too. I was reading and reflecting and learning more about AT... I just didn't know I had already met my future partner. Just relating with you... that insecurity is something else isn't it... very sticky. But recognizing the thoughts is the first step to challenging them. Maybe I got a lucky break. I was able to avoid some risks by not dating him initially and growing a rapport organically that way. But I have had to challenge a lot of my own insecurities in the relationship and have had a lot I mean a LOT of growth toward secure. My advice, be yourself authentically and face the fear. Let a person reject you, learn your resilience around that because in the end if you love yourself someone else can too, and you will never get there without having to sort through the baggage that negative conditioning and life experiences has left you with. You can do this! You just walk through real life today, and don't reject or shame yourself. Easier said than done but doable with the right support and self care. |
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