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I'm Back
Jul 18, 2022 0:18:04 GMT
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Post by introvert on Jul 18, 2022 0:18:04 GMT
Haha no, you're not supposed to "just agree with me". I'm reading that my input isn't helpful so I offered to remove my posts just so you have less clutter and tangent in your thread as you work through it. I didn't see anything that you wrote that indicated you knew you should ask him about something, but were having a hard time doing so. I just must have missed that. I also didn't pick up that you realize more communication is needed because of your stated tendency to rely on your intuition, in general you've expressed that in a couple situations here in the forum. You expressed that in the other thread, relying on a hunch instead of initiating a conversation because you were concerned about the outcome. At any rate, the topics you've been bringing up go perfectly with a talk I've been listening to about transforming our mind and perceptions, so I chimed in with my input. I don't think it's what you need, so I'll pass on sharing further thoughts. I'm not anxious so I don't get you, basically. I'm trying but falling flat.  Sorry for the misunderstanding, and best of luck! Introvert, from my perspective I don't think your posts are unhelpful. The back and forth has allowed seeking to expand and clarify where she is getting stuck in her interactions. But I can see how from your perspective you may feel you are getting it more wrong than right? Haha yes, that's right... she's doesn't know if she's just supposed to agree with me? What does that mean, why would I expect that? What kind of person expects that? There's a sense of her seeing me being somehow entitled, in my mind, to her agreement or I won't play.... nope, that's not it. 👀 The cookie illustration outlined clearly how unhelpful my posts are and I don't mind withdrawing them. Not at all! It could be a waste of my time as well. While I've seen no indication that she intends to communicate further, I somehow missed it if it's there, my suggestion that she communicate further is met with the above statements and not only is it seeming unhelpful, it's kind of strange to be put in the position of giving thoughtful contribution and then to be met with those kinds of statements. Of course I'm fine with disagreeing on anything- but why go through the bother, for either one of us? I truly don't think my posts are helpful, based on the responses and I really don't mind bowing out. 🙂 |
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Post by seeking on Jul 18, 2022 1:58:36 GMT
Are you perhaps going into a freeze response when you think about communicating more? Like you can kinda hear the thoughts in your head but for the life of you, you can't actually get them out? I don't think it's total shut down, freeze, but I'm definitely "more in my head" and sort of processing and thinking rather than speaking and reacting. What I've witnessed in other friends is that they're *right there*- my one friend will interrupt and go, "Wait - hang on a minute." And she does it in this really animated way, and she'll be like, "Did you really think that? Or did you mean blah blah blah." So you know when she's right there kind of reacting as you're speaking and if something doesn't fly with her, she's right there - she tells you. Sometimes it's HUGELY ANNOYING - lol. Like I don't feel heard, and it's hard to get four sentences out. But I also know she's not really harboring stuff and never would. Another person handles it a bit differently she's right there with her line in the sand. Like "Oh wait, no. I'm not doing that." "That's not okay." I'm more like "Am I okay with this? Oh that's weird. Not sure how I feel about that." But all thoughts in my head - I guess it's more a fawning/people pleasing thing. And sometimes I just let people talk b/c a) it's not a big deal b) it's not worth it as a sticking point c) I'm too tired d) I'm really just thinking thoughts and in my head, and then don't say anything and it may occur to me later. |
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Post by seeking on Jul 18, 2022 2:06:56 GMT
Think about why his grocery spending matters to you. It sounds like maybe it was something to do with if you got serious with him then it makes you believe he's not going to be able to handle the combination of routine and flexibility you and your daughter require? Maybe find out his approaches to life and stress and problems beyond what his food purchasing habits tell you by sharing life experiences. See how he thinks about challenges and handles them instead of reading into it via food hints. Yes, that was pretty much it. And that is where I spin (in my head - and not say anything). And spinning shuts me down a bit. So then I start to wonder, "Oh am I just being too judgmental and is this an avoidant excuse of some kind b/c he's really a nice guy and I found the "flaw" that I can now compile evidence of why I had to 'deactivate'" (not using all these terms correctly). Or am I being anxious and feel like "we'll never really get each other" b/c so much of my life revolves around food allergies, and food issues, and healing from all that So hence the question "What would a secure do?" And I tried to sort of let it "roll off my shoulders" mistakenly, maybe thinking that was more a secure move. Quickly trying to recall all the times I promised myself the next "good guy" who came along, I wouldn't be so nit-picky about, wondering if other people would "tolerate" this - like I've seen friends get married or meet men, finally, and how they all have to deal with "something" - and so is that a dealable thing? That's really where I spend most of my time getting hung up - where do I draw my lines when we're in the "gray area" middle ground - ie., not the red flag/hard no area... but I think Alexandra you talked about that already - so I'm more clear on that now. It just is still such a murky area, because for me there's still a lot of scarcity around it. |
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Post by seeking on Jul 18, 2022 3:05:39 GMT
I also didn't pick up that you realize more communication is needed because of your stated tendency to rely on your intuition, in general you've expressed that in a couple situations here in the forum. You expressed that in the other thread, relying on a hunch instead of initiating a conversation because you were concerned about the outcome. I think you were correct in reading those. I think I just process a lot of things, and maybe I didn't remember that so much or it didn't seem as relevant anymore. But the information is still helpful. I think in the other thread (about my friend) username mentioned me reneging on how I felt about someone once they behaved nicely suddenly and that was a good catch, and then there was all this info from you about not just relying on intuition and I felt like that was exactly what I was saying though - like how do I know -- without conversation - since that's not always possible (directly with certain people) and not really relying on my own intuition since I obviously know that isn't going to always be accurate due to trauma (triggers) -- and it just felt like you took a lot of time to explain that intuition isn't always accurate due to trauma/triggers/attachment styles -- and I guess I'm just that's part of my problem. When do you walk away? What if someone isn't treating you overtly badly but it's still upsetting? etc. You don't have to answer that now - but more just that's where I was coming from. And while I think I'm good for now and have a lot to think about, it's probably a little more helpful for me to hear a "what would you do" account, versus and analyzing how I do things and why they're not helpful (because I'm kind of already there on that latter, lol) But no worries. Your contributions are valuable, and I appreciate it all the same. |
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Post by seeking on Jul 18, 2022 3:08:24 GMT
Introvert, from my perspective I don't think your posts are unhelpful. The back and forth has allowed seeking to expand and clarify where she is getting stuck in her interactions. But I can see how from your perspective you may feel you are getting it more wrong than right? Yes. this! I just wrote back to introvert, but you said it better. I'm really foggy these days and usually writing here when it's late and I'm tired and have a few distractions. But this is so true. It does help me also expand and clarify - so that is a good question. I hope I didn't make introvert feel *wrong* - it's not wrong. I'm not even fully sure what I want! But I have no problems with their posts. And I think my last post here to introvert a minute ago was trying to come up with a reason more than anything. |
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Post by alexandra on Jul 18, 2022 3:36:41 GMT
If you're worried about whether or not he's diligent and patient / empathetic enough to handle food allergies, you tell him about them and why it's important in your life. Then you see how he verbally responds or if it's for some reason a dealbreaker on either side. Then you spend time with him in person and see if his actions follow through and he actually is diligent around consistently making sure the food that's around is safe. That once your relationship is at a point where this all does become relevant, he's not just all talk. (I don't know the extent of the food allergies, but say your daughter was allergic to peanuts and being around them meant she needed an epi pen, is he actually checking ingredients before opening food around her?)
But I don't think you've even met this guy in person yet? So you're jumping too far ahead into fitting him into your life instead of getting to know him and figuring out if you actually like him first. It also seems like you're having difficulty processing in the absence of definite information, so you're trying to fill in the gaps on your own in a ruminating way that is causing you both anxiety and deactivation. Which would mean there's something there about how you handle ambiguity and fear? That you're responding with defense mechanisms and not connecting to what you really need here and then asking verbally for it / observing that actions match, which I believe would be the secure choices.
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Post by introvert on Jul 18, 2022 4:26:48 GMT
Introvert, from my perspective I don't think your posts are unhelpful. The back and forth has allowed seeking to expand and clarify where she is getting stuck in her interactions. But I can see how from your perspective you may feel you are getting it more wrong than right? Yes. this! I just wrote back to introvert, but you said it better. I'm really foggy these days and usually writing here when it's late and I'm tired and have a few distractions. But this is so true. It does help me also expand and clarify - so that is a good question. I hope I didn't make introvert feel *wrong* - it's not wrong. I'm not even fully sure what I want! But I have no problems with their posts. And I think my last post here to introvert a minute ago was trying to come up with a reason more than anything. I'm sorry, I just don't understand what you're trying to communicate in the thread, I don't understand your communication style. What you think you are stating clearly, I don't see as being stated clearly. I think it's just crossed wires between the way we each think and express. Also, you've explained here that you are posting when you're tired and distracted so maybe that's why Im just not able to connect with what you are intending. But, as I've said, I've shared some thoughts and opinions and you can take what is beneficial and leave the rest.  |
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Post by seeking on Jul 18, 2022 9:52:44 GMT
I'm sorry, I just don't understand what you're trying to communicate in the thread, I don't understand your communication style. What you think you are stating clearly, I don't see as being stated clearly. I think it's just crossed wires between the way we each think and express. Also, you've explained here that you are posting when you're tired and distracted so maybe that's why Im just not able to connect with what you are intending. But, as I've said, I've shared some thoughts and opinions and you can take what is beneficial and leave the rest. Did you read what Username asked? I think I just meant when I'm trying to respond to you about your concerns, I get a little foggy. I'm sorry my communication style, otherwise, doesn't work for you. |
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Post by seeking on Jul 18, 2022 9:59:16 GMT
But I don't think you've even met this guy in person yet? So you're jumping too far ahead into fitting him into your life instead of getting to know him and figuring out if you actually like him first. It also seems like you're having difficulty processing in the absence of definite information, so you're trying to fill in the gaps on your own in a ruminating way that is causing you both anxiety and deactivation. Which would mean there's something there about how you handle ambiguity and fear? That you're responding with defense mechanisms and not connecting to what you really need here and then asking verbally for it / observing that actions match, which I believe would be the secure choices. I haven't ruminated to fill gaps (in this particular situation) More that the grocery bill thing made me lose interest. But he keeps the convo going and so then I wonder if I was being too hard on him about that. You're right, I have no idea how he is otherwise. I was more moving on and looking to talk to other men, but since he's so persistent, it appeals to a part of me and he is really kind. But this is spot on in many cases (in general): "something there about how you handle ambiguity and fear? That you're responding with defense mechanisms and not connecting to what you really need here and then asking verbally for it /" And that's so helpful to see - I think that's what I was observing in other friends about how they are "right there" communicating. They are communicating v/s shutting down with defense mechanisms like I often do. I think I honestly have a deep down mistrust for myself. I've know that since childhood, I've been "different-brained" in a way (that's what my daughter and I call it.) And so instead of landing on what I need, I try to think about "what would be normal." Ugh. That's sort of a painful realization. I'll try to be more aware of this. I also think there are parts of me that don't want to be rejected - I want to decide what I want versus having someone say, "Oh she is too needy, demanding, inquisitive, asks too many questions, etc." Which is silly but it's in the mix, I think so helpful to realize. |
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Post by sunrisequest on Jul 18, 2022 12:45:06 GMT
I'm sure I'm probably missing some of your back story, so I'm sorry if I'm suggesting things you're already doing, but a very quick suggestion I have is just to maybe focus on working on your nervous system.. when overthinking is a thing that is happening a lot, then thinking and analysing your way out of it can only get you so far... I think if you're able to try and soothe and settle your nervous system as a regular practise, your mind will automatically reduce its need to look for danger or difficulty in interactions, and you'll be able to be more present and relaxed in interaction. Just wondering if you've got any techniques that help to soothe your nervous system as a general thing?
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Post by introvert on Jul 18, 2022 15:05:03 GMT
I'm sorry, I just don't understand what you're trying to communicate in the thread, I don't understand your communication style. What you think you are stating clearly, I don't see as being stated clearly. I think it's just crossed wires between the way we each think and express. Also, you've explained here that you are posting when you're tired and distracted so maybe that's why Im just not able to connect with what you are intending. But, as I've said, I've shared some thoughts and opinions and you can take what is beneficial and leave the rest. Did you read what Username asked? I think I just meant when I'm trying to respond to you about your concerns, I get a little foggy. I'm sorry my communication style, otherwise, doesn't work for you. yes |
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Post by seeking on Jul 19, 2022 17:47:34 GMT
I was thinking about this more, and I really think the whole issue for me comes down to trust and a real genuine issue of scarcity.
I may be ruminating - but we had another interaction and I shared with him something more deep, personal, and relevant (related to stuff we talk about). And, while I haven't physically met him (just online "dates") I keep getting hit with this sense of "toxic positivity." I can't do it.
And it's fine. We can stay friends since we have other stuff in common. I'm good with that.
But what I notice myself doing is a) pushing things toward a certain direction b/c I want a more long-term partner, b) finding the good and trying to bypass the not good as "my avoidance" and "well what else is out there" and "people have to sacrifice somewhere. c) not trusting myself - which means more bypassing - because "all I ever choose or am attracted to are unhealthy so I can't rely on myself -- I know what I'm looking for and the range of kinds of people I'm drawn to - but that guy usually never appears in my life or if he does he's taken - (or someone I already dated, it didn't work out, and we're friends) or he's bad for me!
I definitely think that I have a core guiding belief that what I want is "not realistic" and I need to just find something basic and be happy. (which is okay)
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Post by seeking on Nov 13, 2022 2:44:44 GMT
Here I am nearly four months later, with really none of this resolved and many of the same thoughts.
Tonight, I had an insightful conversation with my highly sensitive neurodivergent 13 yo daughter. She was talking about feeling lonely around people who aren't old souls or emotionally intelligent.
It helped me realize that the guy I'd been (and still have been) talking to is like this for me. He's super intelligent - both at his job and also with some matters that are really important to me. But when he sends emails or we message about something, there's this weird disconnect like I'm talking to someone much younger whose like from another world. It irritates me.
And I get into this tizzy of "should I over look something like that?" What if he's a deeply nice person? Would a secure person not get hung up on that? Will I ever partner if this is something I can't get past?
Is it normal to actually think - I want to meet someone who is emotionally intelligent and an old soul?
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I'm Back
Nov 13, 2022 2:55:19 GMT
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Post by alexandra on Nov 13, 2022 2:55:19 GMT
Did you ever meet him? Frankly, a secure person wouldn't still be wondering about this because they'd have met him / escalated contact, or decided it's not for them and not going anywhere and moved on. Four months is a long time to stay stuck on someone you haven't met without any clarity. Not saying that to be mean about it, but it sounds like the question is less about him and more about why are you paralyzed in dating in general at this point?
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Post by seeking on Nov 13, 2022 3:30:22 GMT
Did you ever meet him? Frankly, a secure person wouldn't still be wondering about this because they'd have met him / escalated contact, or decided it's not for them and not going anywhere and moved on. Four months is a long time to stay stuck on someone you haven't met without any clarity. Not saying that to be mean about it, but it sounds like the question is less about him and more about why are you paralyzed in dating in general at this point? Honestly, I've been so incredibly busy with a start up, I haven't met him. Every single weekend has been packed with other stuff. Then I was sick for 2 weeks and now it's the holidays. I haven't prioritized it because I feel pretty lackluster at the thought of something more with him. I keep hoping I'll get a more emotionally intelligent email and get depressed at the idea of being single and so I think of him but I can't get myself to do it. It's not like I'm stuck at the exclusion of meeting anyone else (I've tried a few new dating sites and one was just fake profile after another), but I can't get myself to take the next step with him. He's also not waiting for me either. We just still email here and there. Mostly I don't b/c sometimes I just don't know how to respond to his ultra-corny emails. And then after the conversation with my daughter tonight, it made me realize what feel like the missing ingredients here - the "old soul"/emotional intelligence part. And I'm pretty stuck on it. |
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