Post by seeking on Dec 4, 2022 3:00:18 GMT
I probably need to think this over a little more but my ADHD brain can ping around, so using this as a place-holder to make sure I can stay with this and observe it some more.
This feels important, but I don't know why. Even though some of it is unrelated to relationships, it feels like one of the things I notice about myself that is a possible obstacle to secure attachment.
I think the word is probably fickle.
I can go really strong into something, like I did when I created a hybrid school (pod-homeschool co-op) the past 6 months. It was intense to say the least. I went at it with everything I had, and it came to life and it's a success. But recently I haven't been sure if it's what I really want.
This is a very familiar "place" for me. It feels relational too.
Part of the above problem is that I created this with someone who was probably one of the few people who could bring it to life. We work well together, but we ultimately have some different views about education. And sometimes I lean on her and defer to her b/c she has such a nice family and kids, and yet I am missing a big piece of my own values/soul in this.
And then I do stuff like the past few nights, journaling, getting more in touch with my values, soul and start to see the things that aren't aligned in my life and start to have a bit of a flight response. "I can always pull out," "I can do something different this spring/next year, etc" When I KNOW there have been times that I have recognized this co-op I have created is ideal in so many ways. It's so much of what I wanted and needed. And then I go and think about how it's not REALLY like *ultimately* what I want. It fit the bill. It'll work for now.
I do this with a lot of things.
Tonight, the guy I've been writing about wrote me an email that made me cry. And the opposite happened (opposite to above). Instead of finding things wrong with him, reasons not to meet him, etc, I was like what the heck is wrong with me? Why would I pass this up - there is so much of what I want here. And I felt somatically different - warmth - probably a shift to parasympathetic. And then suddenly all the things I've been irritated by (a friend relationship, my dissatisfaction with the co-op, etc) suddenly seemed small.
I used to do this TERRIBLY with living spaces. I would literally change my mind week, daily. I think it was a fantasy escape mechanism. I finally decided, this is home - granted *for now* (I rent). I did thorough investigation about buying and it won't work. I'm 100% certain about that. So I know this is a matter of time, and right now I'm okay with it. I'm sure if I bought it, it would be a different story <---- but this feels like it. As long as there is an escape plan, I can be okay with it. This feels so FA to me
I don't know why I feel really worried about being FA. But I'm so sure I'm AP. Lol. I'm confused.
Anyway, curious if the above behaviors sound like __________________ (attachment behavior). Thoughts?
This feels important, but I don't know why. Even though some of it is unrelated to relationships, it feels like one of the things I notice about myself that is a possible obstacle to secure attachment.
I think the word is probably fickle.
I can go really strong into something, like I did when I created a hybrid school (pod-homeschool co-op) the past 6 months. It was intense to say the least. I went at it with everything I had, and it came to life and it's a success. But recently I haven't been sure if it's what I really want.
This is a very familiar "place" for me. It feels relational too.
Part of the above problem is that I created this with someone who was probably one of the few people who could bring it to life. We work well together, but we ultimately have some different views about education. And sometimes I lean on her and defer to her b/c she has such a nice family and kids, and yet I am missing a big piece of my own values/soul in this.
And then I do stuff like the past few nights, journaling, getting more in touch with my values, soul and start to see the things that aren't aligned in my life and start to have a bit of a flight response. "I can always pull out," "I can do something different this spring/next year, etc" When I KNOW there have been times that I have recognized this co-op I have created is ideal in so many ways. It's so much of what I wanted and needed. And then I go and think about how it's not REALLY like *ultimately* what I want. It fit the bill. It'll work for now.
I do this with a lot of things.
Tonight, the guy I've been writing about wrote me an email that made me cry. And the opposite happened (opposite to above). Instead of finding things wrong with him, reasons not to meet him, etc, I was like what the heck is wrong with me? Why would I pass this up - there is so much of what I want here. And I felt somatically different - warmth - probably a shift to parasympathetic. And then suddenly all the things I've been irritated by (a friend relationship, my dissatisfaction with the co-op, etc) suddenly seemed small.
I used to do this TERRIBLY with living spaces. I would literally change my mind week, daily. I think it was a fantasy escape mechanism. I finally decided, this is home - granted *for now* (I rent). I did thorough investigation about buying and it won't work. I'm 100% certain about that. So I know this is a matter of time, and right now I'm okay with it. I'm sure if I bought it, it would be a different story <---- but this feels like it. As long as there is an escape plan, I can be okay with it. This feels so FA to me
![:-[](http://storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/embarrassed.png)
Anyway, curious if the above behaviors sound like __________________ (attachment behavior). Thoughts?