Post by trippintrep on Jan 18, 2023 21:46:56 GMT
Hello! New to the forum but reading some of what you all have experienced has helped me immensely in the wake of a really heartbreaking breakup. I have never had experience with any individual like this so I would love some insight into this behavior and see if it seems typical of FA (which is what I suspect but he is definitely not aware of his own attachment style. I'm secure/AP leaning)
My ex was very clear from date one that he was really interested. Didn’t come off as particularly love bomby because I would have been offput by that but I was never ever confused about where his feelings were at. I’m not quite like that ever in dating so while I liked him from the start I was just kinda going with the flow and feeling things out. We had a lot of time apart throughout our relationship - individual trips planned and weeks apart at a time but we talked every day and saw each other all the time and also took trips together. After a month and a half of dating he said he wasn’t interested in seeing other people, and I agreed, and then 2 months after that we had the bf/gf talk (that conversation had a red flag in it which I note in a second.) All happened pretty naturally and on a normal timeline. We were incredibly attracted to each other, had a lot of great sex which never wavered throughout the entire relationship. There were some red flags in hindsight (as there usually are) like the fact that his relationships never make it to a year, he is openly and admittedly a huge people pleaser, he admitted to having a hard time expressing his needs feelings and boundaries to his partners which he blamed on the fact he was dating women who were codependent and would make everything into a "fight." I told him I really don't ever want him to people please with me and he can talk to me about anything. He was definitely doing better with boundaries in our relationship (because I am very independent and want my partner to be as well) but based on our blindside breakup he was clearly not communicating feelings at all. He told me that in all his past relationships he "wasn't feeling seen" which I now recognize comes from his own inability to express his needs feelings and boundaries. During our talk where we became official he explained that he didn’t want to rush into ours like his last relationships and said something to the effect of his hesitancy to enter into a relationship because “I’m just afraid of being in a situation where I’m gonna hurt the other person” I remember being baffled by that and saying something like “well you shouldn’t NOT enter into relationships just because you’re afraid they won’t work out one day?" Looking back it seems like he was mentally keeping one foot out the door out of fear.
He acknowledged often that I’m extremely different from anyone he’s ever been with and that was a really good thing, said that it’s been “healing” being with me because he feels like he’s able to talk with me about stuff and it won’t ever cause a fight. Repeatedly tells me this is the happiest and healthiest relationship he’s ever been in. About 2 months into us being officially a couple I initiated a check in with him about our relationship and he said “sometimes I feel close to you and sometimes I don’t” and “I just want to be closer to you” I tried to gently question what this means by saying “what is closeness to you? what do you need?” etc and he said “I don’t know” or “I know it’s not fair for me to bring this up in a vague way” he did acknowledge that it’s been an issue with other people in his life but didn't elaborate much. Said that sometimes he'll be with someone or me and "still feel lonely." He also acknowledges that sometimes he does feel really close and connected to me. He said that he doesn't want me to change a thing about me he "just wants me." He would reassure me about how happy I made him and how good our relationship was, but that he just wanted to be "closer" without any solution or description of what that meant. When he would bring this up it did sting because it made me feel like I was doing something wrong or not opening up enough to him, but I now realize that likely it wasn’t anything I was or wasn’t doing. Although he wanted and liked the boundaries we had and set them and maintained them himself (in hindsight he definitely needed a lot of space and alone time to do his hobbies and recharge), I suspect this was also subconsciously inhibiting his ability to feel as close to me as he wanted and that was confusing for him because I don’t think he was aware of this. Although I did the best I could at the time in these conversations, they never really got us anywhere because I don’t think he’s aware of where these feelings were stemming from. Because he's only ever rushed into relationships, I said things like “maybe you won’t feel like you did in your past relationships with me” he agreed and said he doesn’t want to rush and never wants to stop getting to know me. I think the final straw of our relationship was right before a trip where I was going to be meeting his parents we had a talk about love where he asked me point blank “are you in love with me” to which I replied yes. He said he’s just not there yet but I make him so happy and it’s “not an if it’s just a when”. He said usually his relationships are falling apart at this point but ours “just kept getting better and better.” I cried throughout this conversation because obviously it felt shitty to have this vulnerable thing forced out of me and not returned. Even through my tears I said that I’m not angry at him, I’m not trying to push him away, I respect his honesty and I’m just emotional but I don’t want him to feel pressured. He is obviously terrified by this entire conversation I see it on his face. He even asks me “do you still want to be my girlfriend." It’s almost like he was clinging more to me but simultaneously internally panicking that our feelings were “mismatched” which I actually don’t think they were. I think his idea and expectation of love is one thing and mine is another but we actually felt the same way about each other. Side note is he did tell me he has been in love before but based on the descriptions of all his past relationships, they have never been healthy and sometimes bordered on obsession on his part (wanting someone he cant have, being codependent, etc.)
I meet his family a few days later, which I always said if he doesn’t want to do or feel ready for that’s ok, he insisted he does want it (I'm the first girlfriend to ever meet his family), and then a week after meeting his family he blindsided me by saying he thinks we should break up because he doesn’t think he’s going to get “there” with me as much as he wants to. That "something is missing" and a "firework" is missing. That "he needs more" in a relationship. I’m blindsided because although we had these couple of emotional conversations in the last month of our relationship, he also constantly assured me during them that if he felt like I wasn’t able to give him something he needed he "promised I would know and we would talk about it." He assured me “I’m yours” “you make me so happy” “I like you more every day.” We had a follow up conversation initiated by me about a week after he dumped me where I explained that clearly if he wasn’t able to communicate anything inside his head to me then yeah we obviously needed to break up. Relationships require communication and that’s how you get close. I said I think it’s worth working on because our connection is amazing and sometimes you need to step outside of a relationship to see what wasn’t working. We both cried, he said he missed me in the few days we were apart. He said he was always scared to talk to me because he didn’t want to hurt me. That he hates feeling like the villain. That it’s not gonna be any easier to talk about things if we try again. That he’s scared of failing at it and hurting me even more. That he took deep consideration for breaking up and although I felt blindsided he thought about it a lot. That he thinks it’s just best for both of us if we don’t try again cause it would do more harm than good because what if it failed? That he has so much love for me and that for the first time in his life he felt respected and cared for in a relationship. I said to him that if he’s unable to move forward differently with less fear and pressure then obviously it doesn’t make sense to try again. And we haven’t spoken since. Been in NC for 2 months now. All in all our relationship was 7 months from beginning to end. I’m left with so many questions and my head spinning but I also am aware that a person like this is likely to have a healthy relationship with anybody so my hopes for reconciliation are slim to none for my sake. I can't be with someone who can't communicate and isn't willing to try. Looking back it's clear he never really talked about his emotions but was great at letting me into surface level things about his life and past. I initiated 99 percent of all important conversations we ever had.
I think I just would love opinions on the situation and to see if there seems to be a recognizable pattern here and also see if anyone can relate.
My ex was very clear from date one that he was really interested. Didn’t come off as particularly love bomby because I would have been offput by that but I was never ever confused about where his feelings were at. I’m not quite like that ever in dating so while I liked him from the start I was just kinda going with the flow and feeling things out. We had a lot of time apart throughout our relationship - individual trips planned and weeks apart at a time but we talked every day and saw each other all the time and also took trips together. After a month and a half of dating he said he wasn’t interested in seeing other people, and I agreed, and then 2 months after that we had the bf/gf talk (that conversation had a red flag in it which I note in a second.) All happened pretty naturally and on a normal timeline. We were incredibly attracted to each other, had a lot of great sex which never wavered throughout the entire relationship. There were some red flags in hindsight (as there usually are) like the fact that his relationships never make it to a year, he is openly and admittedly a huge people pleaser, he admitted to having a hard time expressing his needs feelings and boundaries to his partners which he blamed on the fact he was dating women who were codependent and would make everything into a "fight." I told him I really don't ever want him to people please with me and he can talk to me about anything. He was definitely doing better with boundaries in our relationship (because I am very independent and want my partner to be as well) but based on our blindside breakup he was clearly not communicating feelings at all. He told me that in all his past relationships he "wasn't feeling seen" which I now recognize comes from his own inability to express his needs feelings and boundaries. During our talk where we became official he explained that he didn’t want to rush into ours like his last relationships and said something to the effect of his hesitancy to enter into a relationship because “I’m just afraid of being in a situation where I’m gonna hurt the other person” I remember being baffled by that and saying something like “well you shouldn’t NOT enter into relationships just because you’re afraid they won’t work out one day?" Looking back it seems like he was mentally keeping one foot out the door out of fear.
He acknowledged often that I’m extremely different from anyone he’s ever been with and that was a really good thing, said that it’s been “healing” being with me because he feels like he’s able to talk with me about stuff and it won’t ever cause a fight. Repeatedly tells me this is the happiest and healthiest relationship he’s ever been in. About 2 months into us being officially a couple I initiated a check in with him about our relationship and he said “sometimes I feel close to you and sometimes I don’t” and “I just want to be closer to you” I tried to gently question what this means by saying “what is closeness to you? what do you need?” etc and he said “I don’t know” or “I know it’s not fair for me to bring this up in a vague way” he did acknowledge that it’s been an issue with other people in his life but didn't elaborate much. Said that sometimes he'll be with someone or me and "still feel lonely." He also acknowledges that sometimes he does feel really close and connected to me. He said that he doesn't want me to change a thing about me he "just wants me." He would reassure me about how happy I made him and how good our relationship was, but that he just wanted to be "closer" without any solution or description of what that meant. When he would bring this up it did sting because it made me feel like I was doing something wrong or not opening up enough to him, but I now realize that likely it wasn’t anything I was or wasn’t doing. Although he wanted and liked the boundaries we had and set them and maintained them himself (in hindsight he definitely needed a lot of space and alone time to do his hobbies and recharge), I suspect this was also subconsciously inhibiting his ability to feel as close to me as he wanted and that was confusing for him because I don’t think he was aware of this. Although I did the best I could at the time in these conversations, they never really got us anywhere because I don’t think he’s aware of where these feelings were stemming from. Because he's only ever rushed into relationships, I said things like “maybe you won’t feel like you did in your past relationships with me” he agreed and said he doesn’t want to rush and never wants to stop getting to know me. I think the final straw of our relationship was right before a trip where I was going to be meeting his parents we had a talk about love where he asked me point blank “are you in love with me” to which I replied yes. He said he’s just not there yet but I make him so happy and it’s “not an if it’s just a when”. He said usually his relationships are falling apart at this point but ours “just kept getting better and better.” I cried throughout this conversation because obviously it felt shitty to have this vulnerable thing forced out of me and not returned. Even through my tears I said that I’m not angry at him, I’m not trying to push him away, I respect his honesty and I’m just emotional but I don’t want him to feel pressured. He is obviously terrified by this entire conversation I see it on his face. He even asks me “do you still want to be my girlfriend." It’s almost like he was clinging more to me but simultaneously internally panicking that our feelings were “mismatched” which I actually don’t think they were. I think his idea and expectation of love is one thing and mine is another but we actually felt the same way about each other. Side note is he did tell me he has been in love before but based on the descriptions of all his past relationships, they have never been healthy and sometimes bordered on obsession on his part (wanting someone he cant have, being codependent, etc.)
I meet his family a few days later, which I always said if he doesn’t want to do or feel ready for that’s ok, he insisted he does want it (I'm the first girlfriend to ever meet his family), and then a week after meeting his family he blindsided me by saying he thinks we should break up because he doesn’t think he’s going to get “there” with me as much as he wants to. That "something is missing" and a "firework" is missing. That "he needs more" in a relationship. I’m blindsided because although we had these couple of emotional conversations in the last month of our relationship, he also constantly assured me during them that if he felt like I wasn’t able to give him something he needed he "promised I would know and we would talk about it." He assured me “I’m yours” “you make me so happy” “I like you more every day.” We had a follow up conversation initiated by me about a week after he dumped me where I explained that clearly if he wasn’t able to communicate anything inside his head to me then yeah we obviously needed to break up. Relationships require communication and that’s how you get close. I said I think it’s worth working on because our connection is amazing and sometimes you need to step outside of a relationship to see what wasn’t working. We both cried, he said he missed me in the few days we were apart. He said he was always scared to talk to me because he didn’t want to hurt me. That he hates feeling like the villain. That it’s not gonna be any easier to talk about things if we try again. That he’s scared of failing at it and hurting me even more. That he took deep consideration for breaking up and although I felt blindsided he thought about it a lot. That he thinks it’s just best for both of us if we don’t try again cause it would do more harm than good because what if it failed? That he has so much love for me and that for the first time in his life he felt respected and cared for in a relationship. I said to him that if he’s unable to move forward differently with less fear and pressure then obviously it doesn’t make sense to try again. And we haven’t spoken since. Been in NC for 2 months now. All in all our relationship was 7 months from beginning to end. I’m left with so many questions and my head spinning but I also am aware that a person like this is likely to have a healthy relationship with anybody so my hopes for reconciliation are slim to none for my sake. I can't be with someone who can't communicate and isn't willing to try. Looking back it's clear he never really talked about his emotions but was great at letting me into surface level things about his life and past. I initiated 99 percent of all important conversations we ever had.
I think I just would love opinions on the situation and to see if there seems to be a recognizable pattern here and also see if anyone can relate.
The first part of what you wrote that I quoted is absolutely true looking back at our relationship. He said during our breakup that sometimes he feels big feelings about me and sometimes he doesn't but he's been trying to "force" them to come and it's not working (DUH!!) That was startling to me because it made it so clear that he doesn't understand how to actually get close to someone, as you cannot force feelings of love and closeness to come out of nowhere without sharing your inner life with your partner. I do know it wasn't anything about me in particular, especially because he said that point blank.
It saddens me to know that this definitely contributed to him not feeling "what he should be." When you're usually anxious in a relationship and being disrespected and walked over, when you're used to the "can't sleep can't eat obsession" of a toxic codependent dynamic, being with someone who genuinely cares about you and your well-being is gonna feel off. It's not a coincidence that with better boundaries in a relationship he didn't feel close enough to me, although a big contributing factor to that as well was his inability to express himself to me which also created additional distance. Looking back it's so obvious but hindsight is 20/20. There was no way for me to see it at the time and I couldn't have done anything differently, it wasn't going to change the outcome. I am who I am and unless both he or I were completely different people, our relationship had an expiration date on it. I just wasn't aware of it. I also know that even if I was aware of all of this while I was in it, it still wouldn't have mattered because he wouldn't have received this info well at all, he's too sensitive about "not feeling seen" and being misunderstood. It wouldn't have landed. Like you said, it's an individual journey that everyone has to come to in their own time. I sleep well at night knowing that I did the best I could, I moved with good intentions, never blamed him, I was a great partner, and he can't say a bad word about me or our relationship. I now have to focus on myself and keep working on the things that this relationship showed me I still need help with. I'm grateful for the experience, tbh.