Finding people who put in the work Apr 6, 2023 1:57:02 GMT
Post by mysteryuser on Apr 6, 2023 1:57:02 GMT
I (23F, AP leaning secure) have been working on my anxious side in therapy and recently got out of a relationship with someone (presumably FA) who I often found to be conflict avoidant. I knew this about him, but I didn't quite understand his attachment and its implications on the relationship - until it ended without him fully explaining why. This was my first serious relationship. And while my AP-ness brushed a few things under the rug while abandoning myself, some of it was simply me trying to understand how a relationship works for the first time. I have come a long way and am able to identify people who are consistently affectionate, reciprocal, and meet my needs in terms of connection, intimacy, and feeling loved. I had all of those in this past relationship. However, I didn't have someone who had the tools to work on themselves and consequently work on the relationship together to find effective solutions (we had a year long relationship where he broke up with me twice, both times seemed like I was blindsided).
I'm now trying to identify traits that reflect those qualities. Love is not enough, so what is? And how do I identify those traits?
A few things that I believe could reflect those are: resilience, a growth mindset, the acceptance of the inevitability of conflict (my vocabulary might be failing me here!), and of course, effective and non-violent communication.
But I'm confused as to how to identify these traits in people during the dating stages. How long do they take to reflect? What aspects of life reflect it? For example, my ex had a growth mindset in some aspects of life (work, fitness) and while he was willing to hear me out and read/watch videos I'd share regarding things like attachment styles or relationships, he didn't do that work on his own. I could have identified some of this early on, but some of it wasn't apparent to me until almost a year down the line.
What are the some other traits you have witnessed in people that are able to put in the work to make a relationship thrive? How do you identify those traits.
I completely understand some of these might as well be character traits and not necessarily attachment related, but sometimes my AP is unable to find the differences between the two and I'm trying to navigate that. I'm also trying to avoid identifying traits reflecting a certain attachment style because I don't want to get sucked into trying to diagnose other people, and I want to focus on the traits that soothe me as an AP instead.