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Post by mysteryuser on Apr 7, 2023 17:03:50 GMT
trippintre Yes, I could have written that. Especially the bit about bringing up things months after, I remember him voicing a few minor things that were very easily fixable (the way I phrased a few things) on the day of the breakup, things that I never knew were an issue for him. It threw me off completely and I felt extremely guilty for weeks after the breakup. Although at that point it felt like he was finding nitpicky reasons to justify the breakup after having made the decision out of emotion.
He said he didn't want me to ask questions only because he told me to. But that's just a matter of everyone having different expectations. I told him the day of my birthday that I prefer a meaningful message/note just so he knows what I prefer and I'm not disappointed, even though in the ideal world I could have never voiced my expectations and he would have read my mind and delivered. But that's not how it works! People place different value on different things.
That said, there is something to be said about being patient and communicating a few times/gently reminding someone and giving them the benefit of the doubt before giving up. Some things are going to be harder for the other person to understand, and it takes time to adjust your behavior and make progress. And this progress isn't linear either. I remember him mentioning the asking questions thing once a few months earlier. I did implement it, but since then I had to go back to my home country for a month, had my parents separate, and a few other legal/visa obligations to handle. In this whole time I did not pay as much attention to this one aspect of his life (even though I showed my love in all love languages, did nice things for him, celebrated a 1 year anniversary and also apologized for not being more attentive about asking questions and slowly started to attend to it more). I slacked on staying in the loop by not asking questions yes. But I know that if I were in such a position I would give a reminder to the person instead of letting it fester, especially given that I have shown/proven my care and commitment for him in incorporating his input into where I should relocate for my job and working tons in therapy to get past the anxiety from first time he broke up with me (even though it was as much his responsibility to learn better communication as it was mine to not let my anxiety harm the relationship). But I know that's because I am not insecure about the person not caring about me, that is not a core belief of mine. And I did blame myself a lot for not delivering on this. But truth is even if I had done everything right, I didn't feel like I had the benefit of the doubt. And that's fine, I love him and I have compassion for the battle he has to deal with, but am accepting that it's not something I can help with if he doesn't want my help.
I don't want to use this space as means to assuage my guilt because I take complete ownership for my AP tendencies that may have caused harm. But I view them as avenues to grow within the relationship, and I will continue to grow and look for someone who has a similar mindset with similar values placed on communication and problem solving. Hence the thread  |
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Post by mysteryuser on Apr 7, 2023 17:09:33 GMT
The good new is you have time to find the right partner to create a family with. One way to address loneliness is to have hobbies that connect you to others. There are dating groups that I have seen that are activity based…like cooking, sports etc. That might be something to explore because there is a bit less pressure to find “the one” and really just enjoy the activity with others. Another thing you can do is find a sport or activity you enjoy and find groups that are centered around that activity. I have a friend who loves to run and she is part of several groups of runners who get together and practice before races…but there are a lot of other options. I had to address my fear of loneliness by taking myself out on dates….I know that may sound a bit silly, but becoming ok with being “single” is a actually a good thing.Go to a play, a park, a museum, a restaurant by yourself….treat yourself the way you would want a date to treat you. It has such a positive impact on your self esteem. I didn't know about dating groups! I'm relocating soon and once I'm in a more peaceful place re: the breakup I will look into those. And yes, I'm trying to focus on the time I have. And I do try to take myself out sometimes, it's nice to just sit in a cafe on a rainy day and read sometimes! |
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Post by alexandra on Apr 7, 2023 17:54:23 GMT
mysteryuser, the core AP wound and fear to get over that's underneath absolutely everything tends to be fear of abandonment, which is connected to distrust in self (and greater trust in others than self). I don't think there's any one specific thing or quick answer to that, though it starts with what tnr9 said simultaneously with therapy to heal the issues caused by your parents: focusing on and connecting with yourself to figure out exactly who you really are and learning what sort of things you like to do and what you value. Which can be you doing and experiencing lots of little (or big) things for yourself over time. AP looks to others to emotionally regulate them instead of being able to do it themselves and self-regulate, and in turn assume it's normal to regulate others while they regulate you (probably why you were okay accepting a co-dependent support role with your ex). That's part of where the loneliness and longing for connection comes from, so the better you connect with yourself and build your own identity, self-esteem, and security, the better that gets. It doesn't result in you becoming an emotional island or anything to grow in this way, you'll still want connection and a family and what not and maybe you'll still feel lonely at times if you don't engage enough with a strong social support system. But you will approach it all in a much healthier way with healthy boundaries because you can trust yourself, and moment to moment can be okay wherever you happen to be in your life whether that's with others around or doing something alone. Being comfortable with and accepting yourself changes that desire for connection from an overwhelming need to a healthy want instead. Needing a connection because you can't fully count on yourself causes interpersonal problems because then you end up acting out of fear and get triggered anxious.
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Post by mysteryuser on Apr 7, 2023 18:06:39 GMT
alexandra thanks. While I understand in theory, that does feel a bit foreign to me emotionally. But the past few years have been monumental in that aspect as well because I moved to the US for a grad program and didn't have a lot of support but was able to get comfortable in being alone, spending time with myself and growing by myself. Though that's more about friendship, it is slowly getting better, and I'm moving again soon to a new city and hoping I can continue doing that.
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Post by alexandra on Apr 7, 2023 18:44:16 GMT
mysteryuser, it definitely feels abstract, foreign, and unfamiliar emotionally, so you're right on track in your current process. That's why it's not easy to earn secure and usually takes a couple years or possibly longer. But it's absolutely doable! It does take some amount of trusting that if you do these little and big things, keep working with a therapist, and keep up your self-motivated efforts, that you will get to where you want to be eventually, even if it's not a linear path to get there (one step forward, three steps back, a few to the side, some more forward, some diagonal). It can be hard not to get frustrated and keep up that trust for a long time when you're not even sure what changes and feelings you're looking for, but it does get better and come together and make more sense over time with practicing this stuff. I don't want to give you any spoilers and get you thinking too far ahead of yourself, but the stage of earning secure that no one talks about (well, we do a little on this forum) is when you get there and suddenly don't know who you are anymore because all the old thought patterns have been broken, and then you need to get to know yourself and all your responses to things all over AGAIN. It's a very confusing stage, but it definitely means progress has been made lol.
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Post by mysteryuser on Apr 7, 2023 23:45:54 GMT
alexandra I definitely agree. I've been in therapy for 6+ years (for other reasons besides attachment) and seen progressive but significant improvements in my life. I also went through the phase you describe, one of getting to know yourself again, when I got off antidepressants. I had a supportive but unstable childhood/adolescence where I was loved but unsafe, and I am working through a lot of the consequences of that bit by bit. Thankfully I'm confident about every other aspect of my life besides my love life, I just need to explore attachment a bit more in therapy.
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