Post by mysteryuser on Apr 7, 2023 17:03:50 GMT
trippintre Yes, I could have written that. Especially the bit about bringing up things months after, I remember him voicing a few minor things that were very easily fixable (the way I phrased a few things) on the day of the breakup, things that I never knew were an issue for him. It threw me off completely and I felt extremely guilty for weeks after the breakup. Although at that point it felt like he was finding nitpicky reasons to justify the breakup after having made the decision out of emotion.
He said he didn't want me to ask questions only because he told me to. But that's just a matter of everyone having different expectations. I told him the day of my birthday that I prefer a meaningful message/note just so he knows what I prefer and I'm not disappointed, even though in the ideal world I could have never voiced my expectations and he would have read my mind and delivered. But that's not how it works! People place different value on different things.
That said, there is something to be said about being patient and communicating a few times/gently reminding someone and giving them the benefit of the doubt before giving up. Some things are going to be harder for the other person to understand, and it takes time to adjust your behavior and make progress. And this progress isn't linear either. I remember him mentioning the asking questions thing once a few months earlier. I did implement it, but since then I had to go back to my home country for a month, had my parents separate, and a few other legal/visa obligations to handle. In this whole time I did not pay as much attention to this one aspect of his life (even though I showed my love in all love languages, did nice things for him, celebrated a 1 year anniversary and also apologized for not being more attentive about asking questions and slowly started to attend to it more). I slacked on staying in the loop by not asking questions yes. But I know that if I were in such a position I would give a reminder to the person instead of letting it fester, especially given that I have shown/proven my care and commitment for him in incorporating his input into where I should relocate for my job and working tons in therapy to get past the anxiety from first time he broke up with me (even though it was as much his responsibility to learn better communication as it was mine to not let my anxiety harm the relationship). But I know that's because I am not insecure about the person not caring about me, that is not a core belief of mine. And I did blame myself a lot for not delivering on this. But truth is even if I had done everything right, I didn't feel like I had the benefit of the doubt. And that's fine, I love him and I have compassion for the battle he has to deal with, but am accepting that it's not something I can help with if he doesn't want my help.
I don't want to use this space as means to assuage my guilt because I take complete ownership for my AP tendencies that may have caused harm. But I view them as avenues to grow within the relationship, and I will continue to grow and look for someone who has a similar mindset with similar values placed on communication and problem solving. Hence the thread