still ruminating after 7 months

Almost 7 months since break up, I'm guessing I've now survived the worst of it? I still struggle with rumination and intrusive thoughts about exbf. Sometimes I’m replaying the ways he hurt my feelings and told me things I didn’t want to hear, things that should have made me leave. Maybe my brain's way of reminding me to stay away from him, no matter how lonely I feel.

But just as often I remember the times when everything felt fine, and I thought I finally had everything I wanted. This was the first relationship I’d ever had where I got enough touch, sex, and affection (more than I needed, really,) not including a year or so in my 20’s when I had like 5 regular lovers (also more than I needed!)

The memories of the good times are often so visceral I can feel his arms around me. I’m not doing this on purpose, not fantasizing. Sometimes these intrusive images are startlingly vivid. I clearly see my couch in his living room, the curtains I bought billowing with the windows open to the water, the bookcase where we put all the little things we’d collected over the years that mirrored each other. Our pets, who I still miss too.

Logically, I know there’s no way he and I can get back together. There’s no scenario I can play out in my head where that happens, nothing will make us agree on how we want our relationship to look. But the little girl part of me who adored him and put him above me is having a meltdown, and my wiser self has to keep her from doing anything stupid. Cord-cutting visualization isn’t enough. I still feel him all around me.

In one of our last communications, which was months ago, he said he “thinks about me every day.” I didn’t respond, but said to myself, “While he’s ‘thinking about me,’ I’m obsessing with every ounce of my being.”  

I really think losing your partner, home, pets, and going menopausal all at once ought to be illegal 

I experience a few moments of joy. Usually when I’m doing karaoke, singing and connecting to the people in the bar. My appetite is good. But I don’t have many days that I don’t cry at least once, especially in the morning for some reason. 

I need to get my act together, I’m struggling financially, I need a life plan. Something to focus on that isn’t love and sex. But I feel frozen in place, because, like, I don’t have the resilience to experience any more rejection or failure in any aspect of my life, so I just stay quiet and hide an lick wounds. I try to look cute and keep my head up when I’m out. I try not to drag anyone down by talking about it anymore. I’m honest with a couple of friends, just because I figure I need to tell someone, though there’s not much they can do for me except listen and offer advice I’ve heard before.

It has taken me years to get over certain people, always women. This is the first time a man has ever got me lovesick. I really want this withdrawl/rumination/grieving to end faster this time. Got to get better at thought-stopping, or distraction. It often gets me when I'm driving, hypervigilant that I'll spot him in his truck with OW again.

I think of doing something drastic to shake myself out of it. Run away to work on a cruise ship? Move to a bigger city with a better dating pool? Give up and move into my childhood bestie’s basement until my brain straightens itself out (will it?!) Get away from the trigger of seeing him around town. But I hate to leave the first place in my life where I feel like I have “roots.” And don’t they say you’re not supposed to do anything drastic for a year after a big life change?

If I could truly get myself to believe something or someone better was coming along, I might feel more hopeful. I just can’t see it on the horizon from here.

I'm trying to get this poison out of me, thank you for letting me bleed some here.