Oh I loved her book Exaholics, read it 3 times. I'll give a listen
Good to know about the book! She has such a warm caring approach to all the topics she talks about. I also like baggage reclaim for a similar reason. She is like a best friend who lovingly shakes you and goes why are you doing this to yourself!
Thanks all, I appreciate each and every one of you. I think what I'm looking for here is a place I can "check in," on my own progress (or lack thereof,) and know I'm seen and not judged.
Also, I tend to come back and read and reread, looking for patterns, thought processes, etc..
Concrete suggestions are helpful, but I don't think I'm expecting anyone here to "fix" this for me. More like I'm after a "I know this is tough, but you're gonna be ok. Someone sees you!"
The moving idea is not ridiculous, and I'm not counting it out at all. Just need to sit with it.
We can let this thread end now, I think we've got enough juice out of it. Thanks again!
I didn't mean for you to end your post. I just don't think what I'm offering is helpful to you. And my only intention was to help. I have no judgement. In fact, I've related to your situation over and over and shared as much. I also have no intention to fix you or your situation.
I think what I, and possibly others, am trying to share is a more cautionary tales - my intention is to say, "hey, this addiction thing... it leads you down a pretty bad path in the end." And it's hard to watch someone and someone's thinking continue to lead them down that path ... I know there are people here who say the old "Well, everyone needs someone, etc." - Sobriety in relationship does not have to look like punishment or you're just alone and suffer. Not at all. But learning how to "earn" secure, as they say, is about not doing the same old things and expecting different results. And if what you're doing isn't working, something's gotta change. (Or it doesn't, but likely you'll continue to meet the same old types or stay in confusion and pain.)
Anyway, I'm more exiting to give you space and I am happy to witness and not comment. But please don't feel you don't have the space to share and be seen. And also know that people here will probably want to help - so maybe you can add the caveat "I just need witnessing." Or "I can really use help/feedback with this."
I've gotten a ton out of the wisdom shared here, even when it was sometimes pretty hard to hear. And, yes, sometimes, it just wasn't the right feedback or advice (didn't resonate or feel true to me) so you can always take it or leave it.
Anyway, I wish you less suffering - however that may be.
To clarify, I withdrew because I do have negative judgements regarding the need to repeatedly complain about one's situation and gain sympathy and validation. It seems like victimhood and wallowing to me. That's on me, and I understand it reflects upon my character and my own judgemental attitude. Here we have an instance of the anxious/avoidant tensions that are described in the literature perhaps?
Buy its not just an avoidant persepective...I myself engaged in victimhood and avoidance of change way too much in my life as well, and it brings up my own strong cringe for how toxic my relationship patterns have been and the impact of that on my life, and the lives around me. I'm still working on it! It's my baggage.
My intention has been to share my experience and provide support, but I recognize that the support I have to give is not what is most helpful. I respect the right of everyone to follow their own process, and realize that my own ego is an obstacle to mine and that's where I'll focus my efforts. It's important for everyone to be able to find what they need here, and we all need different things.
So for me, it's best to withdraw from this conversation, both the present and future iterations of it. I certainly have enough to focus on in my daily habits, reading and Journaling and spending time in internal reflection. Best to all who travel this bumpy road!