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Post by lovebunny on Aug 3, 2023 11:32:02 GMT
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Post by sunrisequest on Aug 3, 2023 22:24:46 GMT
So you did! She was very interesting to listen to, very knowledgeable about attachment generally. She had a lot to say about how to reframe the way we categorise attachment styles, and how these rigid labels we give ourselves and others can be so limiting to our relationships and our own growth.
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Post by lovebunny on Aug 13, 2023 12:54:35 GMT
It can be hard to swallow that I'm supposed to feel better alone than in a dysfunctional relationship. It often feels like I've just traded one way of feeling bad for another.
I'm less overwhelmingly anxious, less in constant crises mode than I was with FA exbf. True, I don't have someone I love actively kicking me in the self-esteem, no one else's needs are currently sucking the life out of me. But I don't have anything going on that matches the good times with him. My finances are worse off, I'm lonelier, and my living situation isn't half as nice.
The trade up, I guess, is now I'm open to a healthier, more secure relationship, should some eligible attractive, middle-aged woman or man show up willing to date me. And I get to take my focus away from HIM and start investing more attention to my own life, try to create a better financial life and social life and sex life until, somehow, hopefully, it eclipses what I had with him.
It's been a lonely weekend. My friends aren't available, so I went out alone to karaoke on fri night, stayed in by myself watching movies last night, maybe I'll take myself out to the movies alone today. I'm burned out on asking people to hang out and hearing "no." I'm feeling vulnerable right now to accepting attention from people I'm not really compatible with or even attracted to just for companionship. I even texted a guy I'd dated then friend-zoned a few months back only to find he's started seeing someone. Lately, singing karaoke is the only time I feel happy, because it's the only time I feel SEEN.
I feel shame that I'm not able to joyfully embrace being out of a relationship that I know was doing me damage. The good times with him were better than anything I've felt this past 7 months. Trying to reality check myself. The bad times were not worth it. He made me feel like s**t.
On the bright side, I started a new creative project that could turn into $$$. Also found a fun, free social activity to do one night a week and rearranged my on-call work schedule so I can do it.
Just venting, I guess, wanting to feel seen. Want to feel happy, or at least content, instead of lonely, sexless, a ghost moving through the world without affecting the people around her.
I've read two amazing novels where the main characters are love addicts, though that's never said aloud: Acts of Desperation by Megan Nolan and Animal by Lisa Taddeo. Sadly, I saw so much of myself in these protagonists, the way their brain works and loneliness and low self-esteem and learned helplessness that infuses everything (and the way other people take advantage of it.) Minus the part where one of them kills a man.
Thanks for listening.
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Post by seeking on Aug 14, 2023 1:21:21 GMT
It's been a lonely weekend. My friends aren't available, so I went out alone to karaoke on fri night, stayed in by myself watching movies last night, maybe I'll take myself out to the movies alone today. I'm burned out on asking people to hang out and hearing "no." You're a smart writer so I'm just wondering if you intended to write "alone" three times and "lonely" and "by myself" in just those few short sentences... It seems maybe you are overwhelmed by your aloneness? What happens when you sit with it? "I'm alone." Is there charge there? A story around it? |
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Post by lovebunny on Aug 14, 2023 13:48:50 GMT
Thanks, seeking ! I'd say it's my life theme, loneliness. I was an only child of immature parents, many of my childhood memories are of being alone, I don't remember playing with other kids much. We moved a lot, so maybe I had a hard time making and keeping friends. I read books and watched t.v. or wandered around in the woods alone. I had a rich fantasy life. I'm trying to observe if I run fearful-avoidant with my friendships, not sure yet, definitely not anxious. I do have a few friends, local or elsewhere, who are close enough to feel familial. I don't have a single soul in my daily life, though. I don't mind spending a certain amount of time alone, I really don't. I felt I wasn't getting enough alone-time when I lived with exbf. But I am definitely overwhelmed by my alone-ness right now. I've gone from getting touched a LOT to feeling love-starved, surviving off hugs and high-fives from friends and acquaintances, or cuddles from friends' dogs. I hoarded last week how many times someone called me "beautiful." (3 times, 3 different people, none of whom were trying to get sex from me.) This gave me hope I might attract a partner in the future, I held onto it like a little stone I could take out of my pocket and rub for comfort. So, like, it seems people give me love, I just can't feel it or take it in, or it isn't enough to fill the leaky bucket. I suppose my alone-ness right now feels different because it's saturated with fear that this will be my permanent state, and I will have to do the 2nd half of my life alone. I feel I have little control over this situation, as I cannot make a viable partner show up in my life, I can only try to be my best self and "put myself out there" and try to be healthy enough to recognize and respond to green or red flags. But even if he or she shows up tomorrow, I'm years away from cohabiting or getting to a partner-type commitment. And so far, I'm not loving what I see in the dating pool for a woman over 50. I'm downright scared. At least I survived the weekend, for some reason it doesn't feel as sad to be alone on a Monday night. Thanks for responding, I appreciate you. |
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Post by lovebunny on Aug 14, 2023 15:23:34 GMT
Oh, and I think I'm experiencing a lot of shame. Shame around getting dumped (even though I already had a foot out the door.) Especially since I'm about to go see my parents for the first time in years, and they have been happily married since they were frigging teenagers. I feel shame that my alone-ness is not my choice. Shame that I feel lonely and wish for a relationship, because I'm told I will never find love if I want it too badly. The world is disgusted by loneliness and desperation, so I have to hide that part of me from most people.
Part of the reason I'm reluctant to leave the island: Yesterday I was able to go alone to the movies and someone I knew and liked happened to be at the same show, so I was able to chitchat and feel like I was having a "shared experience" with a friend. Then I stopped at my karaoke bar and of course knew a handful of regulars. Sometimes this is the only way I can come up with companionship, having lived here so long and knowing lots of people.
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Post by anne12 on Aug 15, 2023 9:08:27 GMT
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Post by lovebunny on Aug 15, 2023 12:30:59 GMT
Thanks Anne12.
This resonated. Seems like I'm pretty deeply traumatized, and it's not from one big thing that I can come up with in my life, but like a million small cuts:
"There is a baffling passivity that comes with having no access to Self and being stuck in states of Immobility (deer in headlights) Dissociation (mind is in another time/place) and Hyperaraousal (uncontrollable terror). Of course, as the agent of life (Self and Will) has been totally obfuscated and lost, passivity would be expected. These exercises help gently bring one out of this extreme passivity."
As for self-pleasuring, sure, I do that. I have lots of fun toys and oils. But it's just not the same as having an attentive human lover. I'm fully capable of an orgasm alone. I'm craving the shared experience of sex and touch.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2023 14:52:13 GMT
Oh, and I think I'm experiencing a lot of shame. Shame around getting dumped (even though I already had a foot out the door.) Especially since I'm about to go see my parents for the first time in years, and they have been happily married since they were frigging teenagers. I feel shame that my alone-ness is not my choice. Shame that I feel lonely and wish for a relationship, because I'm told I will never find love if I want it too badly. The world is disgusted by loneliness and desperation, so I have to hide that part of me from most people. Part of the reason I'm reluctant to leave the island: Yesterday I was able to go alone to the movies and someone I knew and liked happened to be at the same show, so I was able to chitchat and feel like I was having a "shared experience" with a friend. Then I stopped at my karaoke bar and of course knew a handful of regulars. Sometimes this is the only way I can come up with companionship, having lived here so long and knowing lots of people. You have a conundrum... you are living in a location where you say there is a very limited dating pool. However this island also provides some familiarity and sustenance in the form of non-intimate, non romantic connection. There is no guarantee that by moving to another populated area, you will meet a suitable mate although the odds may be significantly increased, because of sheer numbers and demographics in the new population. It seems probable that you would at least be able to form new platonic connections while maintaining connections with the old. You may be trying to resolve you feelings so that you feel less lonely where you are, but that doesn't change the demographics and shortage of appropriate, available potential partners. You have some choices to make and each choice has consequences. You may need to relinquish ideas of partnering if the dating pool is as limited as you say. This doesn't seem a viable option for you, based on your deep desire for a romantic partner. So then, that limits your course to continuing to try to resolve loneliness, which doesn't seem to be working for you and for which you are unable to acquire therapeutic support. Does this kind of analysis help you at all? In order to create change we must accept change. If you are unable to do that, but you can't accept the current situation, you are truly fucked, it would seem? |
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Post by cherrycola on Aug 15, 2023 17:03:54 GMT
I find I continue to relate to your posts. I was also a very lonely kid. Both of my parents were emotionally unavailable and everyone in the family was too busy with their own drama. I didn't relate well to other kids and got bullied a lot so most days was spent on my own wandering around. Also had a reliance on an inner fantasy world. Even though I'm younger than you I just feel like I'm over the hill and won't find that companionship I seek.
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Post by lovebunny on Aug 15, 2023 17:40:57 GMT
@introvert. A little fucked indeed. Not up for another big life upheaval in 2023, no money for a move, I still haven't caught up financially from the last move 7 months ago. Starting to realize it might be something I need to do, but nothing can happen right away. I don't have the reserves, financially or emotionally. Total deer in headlights.
You make it sound as if starting long term platonic friendships is easy! Especially from a place of desperation. I'd be setting myself up for a pretty heavy dose of lonely for a while, even lonelier than I am now. My thoughts turn towards someplace where I least know one person....and the idea is it's got to be a bigger city for a better dating pool...I do think of one city on the mainland where I know one casual friend who recently moved there, it's popping up in my thoughts as a possibility. I've never actually been, though. First step would be check it out this summer and see what it's like.
The whole idea just seems so overwhelming right now.
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Post by seeking on Aug 15, 2023 18:02:58 GMT
I was also going to suggest touch. I do compressions along my legs and arms every day. Even if I had a partner, I would do this for my own body and nervous system.
I think we're just looking at things differently -- you're saying you're lonely and therefore you're desperate for companionship and partnering - and I'm seeing loneliness as a problem to be solved by you - for you - not via someone else. Yes, someone else can help us meet our need for connection. But does it have to be a romantic partner? If you're identifying with the trauma piece about being dissociated, etc, it would seem to make sense to work on trauma - with a practitioner, on your own, with a listening partner, etc, not putting it on the doorstep of a potential lover.
For me, this is the love addiction piece - I can't feel truly comfortable b/c I'm so activated all the time and I need "x" to soothe me/calm me, etc. and without that, it's like I can barely survive (or regulate my system).
Being alone when you're with a partner and wanting "alone time" is very different than being alone and regulating yourself.
If this were alcohol, it would be like you're saying, "yes, I have pain so I need to drink."
And I'm suggesting, "Yes, I have pain, and I need to heal." And you're saying, "yes, I have childhood trauma, and loneliness, and therefore I need to find a partner."
Those are two different things.
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Post by lovebunny on Aug 15, 2023 18:28:48 GMT
cherrycola, I bet a lot of anxiously attached people were lonely kids. You know, I don't remember feeling this discouraged with dating before this last r'ship, even though I was dating in my late 40's. Heck, when I was coming out of my marriage, early 40's, I was astounded at the ease at which I attracted people, maybe because I was so NOT in relationship mode and of course everyone loves the emotionally unavailable? Maybe my criteria have changed and I'm being more picky? Maybe because before, I was still open to poly people or more casual r'ships, I cast a wider net? Maybe because as we move up the age range, the people I'm seeing are less attractive to me? Or me to them? It also feels as if the men on dating apps are acting more vile than when I was under 50, and that's saying something! Date-able women my age (I date women too) seem to be suddenly non-existent, while my two big r'ships before what's-his-name with were women. In short, dating feels harder than it did even 4 years ago, now that I'm over 50. Or else I just have less patience for it.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2023 18:55:06 GMT
Something scared the shit out of me once... I was reading something about psychology and it addressed the fact that some people actually never heal. They remain stuck their ebtire livez. And, I have seen that in my own life, people suffering from addiction, or something else, isolated and miserable, until they die. There is no promise of a better life,not for any of us. We have to do something different than we have done before to create it. And if we are fortunate, it works out.
I realized right then and there that if I was to do better, I had to do differently, and it was solely up to me. I could ask for help, but the challenge was mine. If what I was doing wasn't working I had to try something else.
You say you recognize love addiction, and you seem to constantly obsess about getting your fix. The truth is, if you don't find help for your trauma and instead can only recognize it and narrate it, you will never find what you are seeking. If you pursue comfort in your addiction, you will never find what you are seeking. If you don't have the answers to the questions you have you may need to ask different questions or seek new sources of input.
You are stuck, and the truth is without something different coming from inside of you, you actually may realize your worst nightmare has become your truth. We all face this reality, its not just you, and you aren't unique.
This is true of any addiction or avoidance mechanism. Realizing that changed me, because I understood in one instant that my present reality could in fact become permanent until the day I die. Depressing? Yes. Scary? Yes. Common? Unfortunately. It takes a lot of courage to get out of victim mode and into solutions. I say this all truly hoping you find some answers because I hear the hopelessness in you. Hope can only be restored by a shift. I keep that in mind for my own very real despair that hits over challenges that I have as well, so I'm not spouting what I don't live, myself.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 15, 2023 20:45:29 GMT
Even though I'm younger than you I just feel like I'm over the hill and won't find that companionship I seek. I understand why women may feel this way and it's been internalized, but at this point in my life I need to say... over the hill according to who? There are always, always people seeking connection. Maybe they're not all your people or people you're compatible with or desire, maybe there aren't as many as in other earlier life stages, but the older I'm getting the less I believe over the hill is a real thing unless you convince yourself of it. Sure, people's brains calcify and you get more set in your ways as your age, but you're not biologically imprisoned to be stuck in your ways. Try not to talk yourself into scarcity mentality. I know it's not easy to shift this perspective, having been AP for decades myself so I can relate to this issue, but no one posting here is over the hill. |
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