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Post by cherrycola on Aug 29, 2023 16:28:42 GMT
I haven't read all the responses, but to be clear by "shut down" I actually meant a nervous system state over which the person doesn't have a lot of control (at first) (they can go back and work with that state if they are aware and doing that work). I used to think folks did this stuff on purpose or with intention and take it all very personally but then I learned in my own self-work and awareness, it's not always conscious or in my control. I've been triggered a lot by people and my nervous system goes into overwhelm and freeze, sometimes due to the fact that exiled "parts" are being triggered and my fire-fighter parts are trying to protect them so I "move away" from the threat. Other times b/c I have some mild neurodivergence, my brain gets overwhelmed and confused and I need more time to process. And usually b/c I don't want the connection to end but I don't feel like I'm in a place to speak or bring up what's bothering me (I don't know how or I have to sort it out) so again, I withdraw/move away. Deactivation which is relatively new to me feels more like a coping strategy but not something I'm always totally conscious of. Someone might be getting too close. My system may be feeling a degree of intensity that is very uncomfortable. Heck, I might even be "protesting" someone else's seeming abandonment or departure (which seems more AP, even though I'm more predominantly FA) and deactivate as a way to get control over all that pain that's coming up. I think that deactivation is the strategy for a freeze state - so it's like freeze/shut down is the mechanism and deactivation is the way I may behave as a result of that nervous system state. 100% this. You won't even realize you are doing it until you have gained enough self awareness AND self regulation abilities to somewhat pull yourself out of it. Even now after years of work I can see I'm shut/shutting down and can still really struggle. Depending on the dynamic with the other person it also tends to get worse overtime because my shut down pushes them more and more anxious with time. |
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Post by seeking on Aug 30, 2023 11:56:52 GMT
100% this. You won't even realize you are doing it until you have gained enough self awareness AND self regulation abilities to somewhat pull yourself out of it. Even now after years of work I can see I'm shut/shutting down and can still really struggle. Depending on the dynamic with the other person it also tends to get worse overtime because my shut down pushes them more and more anxious with time. Yes, and then if given room, we'd come back. I was more AP with my ex, and his shut downs were major - I used to think he was doing it to stir things up with me and push my buttons. He'd drive off (when we lived together) and turn off his phone or not respond. He once locked himself in a room. I remember one time he didn't come home all night, and I said nothing. I was beyond stressed (like stayed up half the night drenched in sweat and having a panic attack) but I didn't show him this and suddenly he was pursuing me and interested as heck. It's a messed up dynamic for both parties. Ours was extreme in that relationship. But the bottom line is AP will bid for connection and if the FA is in shut down, it pushes them further, so the "trick," is to be neutral and create lots of space to the point that they can't feel your clinging and distress. And they come back. It's not sustainable. Esp for the AP. If both parties were to have awareness, be in therapy, do repair work - maybe. But that is rarely the case. |
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Post by browniespie on Aug 31, 2023 2:58:51 GMT
I have very mixed feelings now, one part of me says I still love him, one part I felt hurt and rejected due to his deactivation.
I had sent 2 texts to him that I hope to be able to reconnect, and is open to hear his needs etc. I was finally unblocked, text was read but no further response.... Kind of disheartened.
I gave myself a timeline that if there is no response from him in another 4 weeks, I would accept the decision and move on.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2023 3:52:21 GMT
"Deactivation" is a meaningless term here. You are being actively ignored, it's rude, it's hurtful, and it's very immature. No insecurity is an excuse, it's an explanation only. You deserve so much better than this shit treatment. I hope you don't give him another chance.
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Post by mrob on Aug 31, 2023 4:30:11 GMT
I disagree that it’s meaningless. It’s an explanation for their behaviour, but certainly no excuse. An insecurely attached person who isn’t actively doing something about their attachment style is not going to be a good, or even viable partner.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2023 5:05:47 GMT
I disagree that it’s meaningless. It’s an explanation for their behaviour, but certainly no excuse. An insecurely attached person who isn’t actively doing something about their attachment style is not going to be a good, or even viable partner. That's what I said though... its an explanation but not an excuse. It's meaningless in terms of making the explanation into an excuse, which is what many do when confronted with the end of the relarionship as they knew it. Deactivation is not something to be worked with, tolerated, minimized, ignored. It is a huge red flag that means there is nothing but pain ahead, beware. You can't be happy or content or safe with a partner who ices you out like this, period. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2023 5:08:01 GMT
Oh, and tolerating it is enabling it and will guarantee that it happens again. And again.
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Post by mrob on Aug 31, 2023 5:55:43 GMT
In terms of naming the behaviour in the FA context, I still think it has its place.
I think to when I was in the OP’s position, I couldn’t let the feelings go and was worn down by behaviour that I’d put people through previously. I could see the pattern. The pattern, which she really wasn’t in control of, wore the feelings away. I was absolutely sure by the end that there was nothing to go back to.
I guess it’s up to OP whether they’d like to put themselves through such an abrasive process, because as you said, it happens again and again.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2023 15:08:29 GMT
In terms of naming the behaviour in the FA context, I still think it has its place. I think to when I was in the OP’s position, I couldn’t let the feelings go and was worn down by behaviour that I’d put people through previously. I could see the pattern. The pattern, which she really wasn’t in control of, wore the feelings away. I was absolutely sure by the end that there was nothing to go back to. I guess it’s up to OP whether they’d like to put themselves through such an abrasive process, because as you said, it happens again and again. There is actually some value in finding out what this dynamic can do to you... you learn. It's very uncommon for an insecure person to see the red flags and opt out, most of us step in and stay in too long and that's how we learn. I'm just putting it out there, early and loud, that this situation sucks exactly how much it sucks which is a LOT, and that wishful thinking won't make it suck less. It will suck perpetually, it will cause pain, it will eventually end, which will also suck, and it will not ever be anything but a sucky situation that sucks. Just to be clear. 😉 |
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Post by browniespie on Sept 1, 2023 2:11:39 GMT
I have a question , why would he read my text and ignore without replying? Is this a tactic of mind game or Fa normal reaction?
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 1, 2023 3:25:10 GMT
I have a question , why would he read my text and ignore without replying? Is this a tactic of mind game or Fa normal reaction? It isn’t a mind game….it is probably a result of not knowing what to say in return, feeling overwhelmed or not wanting to lead you on or hurt your feelings. I would not say it is an FA thing…it is an insecurely attached thing. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 1, 2023 3:47:24 GMT
I have a question , why would he read my text and ignore without replying? Is this a tactic of mind game or Fa normal reaction? I would say it's because he doesn't want to encourage contact, whether thats because of internal angst or something else... someone who wants to engage will engage. He isn't as concerned about what this all means to you as he is about what it all means to him. He's just not able to behave in a mature and respectful way. Insecurity in relationships causes an inability to communicate other than from a perspective of "I'm looking out for me, not you!" This means that all actions and non-actions are geared toward self interest and self preservation. You're on your own as far as he is concerned... that's the way avoidance works. He's taking care of himself, not you. It's great that you are gaining the support you need to heal and take care of yourself, because an insecure person can't do that for you. In a healthy relationship, people take care of themselves, and the other, and the relationship. |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 1, 2023 14:23:46 GMT
Therapy can heighten a need for validation/connection in someone with an anxious attachment wounding. My suggestion is to find some supportive friends that you can get that validation through at this time. 🙂
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Post by browniespie on Sept 1, 2023 15:02:58 GMT
Therapy can heighten a need for validation/connection in someone with an anxious attachment wounding. My suggestion is to find some supportive friends that you can get that validation through at this time. 🙂 Thank you for your kind advice! Wld certainly reach out to my friends and family while I am in therapy |
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Post by seeking on Sept 1, 2023 17:25:55 GMT
I have a question , why would he read my text and ignore without replying? Is this a tactic of mind game or Fa normal reaction? If you read what I wrote here about shut down, that might explain it. In shut down (freeze), it's hard to move, to act, to *do* anything. He's clearly overwhelmed and triggered still. This triggers your anxiety and that is for you to look at. But unless he's really just a complete jerk, often with FA they're swimming in their own anxiety/shut down and have to move far away until the perceived threat is over or they worry that you'll make some permanent change (like never talk to them again). |
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