Post by usernametaken on Aug 29, 2023 16:28:42 GMT
I used to think folks did this stuff on purpose or with intention and take it all very personally but then I learned in my own self-work and awareness, it's not always conscious or in my control. I've been triggered a lot by people and my nervous system goes into overwhelm and freeze, sometimes due to the fact that exiled "parts" are being triggered and my fire-fighter parts are trying to protect them so I "move away" from the threat. Other times b/c I have some mild neurodivergence, my brain gets overwhelmed and confused and I need more time to process. And usually b/c I don't want the connection to end but I don't feel like I'm in a place to speak or bring up what's bothering me (I don't know how or I have to sort it out) so again, I withdraw/move away.
Deactivation which is relatively new to me feels more like a coping strategy but not something I'm always totally conscious of. Someone might be getting too close. My system may be feeling a degree of intensity that is very uncomfortable. Heck, I might even be "protesting" someone else's seeming abandonment or departure (which seems more AP, even though I'm more predominantly FA) and deactivate as a way to get control over all that pain that's coming up.
I think that deactivation is the strategy for a freeze state - so it's like freeze/shut down is the mechanism and deactivation is the way I may behave as a result of that nervous system state.
100% this. You won't even realize you are doing it until you have gained enough self awareness AND self regulation abilities to somewhat pull yourself out of it. Even now after years of work I can see I'm shut/shutting down and can still really struggle.
Depending on the dynamic with the other person it also tends to get worse overtime because my shut down pushes them more and more anxious with time.