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Post by mrob on Sept 1, 2023 22:07:26 GMT
When I have felt engulfed, any expectation, even a simple text message can become an engulfment emergency. I was sometimes able to rationalise my actions or inaction while unaware, putting it on the other person, but I knew for a long time that it wasn’t normal.
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Post by cherrycola on Sept 1, 2023 22:27:19 GMT
Yep. A few years ago, I was early stages with a guy who was wanting a lot of phone calls and contact and I wasn't able to articulate my discomfort, was just trying to push thru. Well my pet died and his next call sent me over the edge and I shut down from everyone.
6 hours later he asked if I was mad at him and it made me dislike him even more that he was asking for reassurance when we barely knew each other and for all he knew I was busy. 6 hours isn't much.
About a day later I snapped out of it enough to reply I had some personal things going on. I was semi-self aware enough at the time to realize I wasn't interested enough due to a variety of reasons to even work on the differences in communication so I ended it.
He didn't mean to cross my boundaries but his over enthusiasm felt stifling. I'm sure to the right women she would welcome and love it.
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Post by browniespie on Sept 2, 2023 11:30:00 GMT
Thanks all for your valuable sharing. Its a first for me to come across a FA partner. I am staying out of communication to him for now , hopefully he can ease his anxiety.
Another dimension I wld like to seek feedback we have been focusing on how FA behave in romantic relationship, how about non romantic relationship with co workers? My FA partner is a customer service agent and he deals with client request day in out. Endless WhatsApp and emails is norm. I always feel this seems to be stressing him out. How does FA deal with these work relationship and is a people facing job suitable for FA?
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Post by seeking on Sept 2, 2023 13:56:27 GMT
Yep. A few years ago, I was early stages with a guy who was wanting a lot of phone calls and contact and I wasn't able to articulate my discomfort, was just trying to push thru. Well my pet died and his next call sent me over the edge and I shut down from everyone. 6 hours later he asked if I was mad at him and it made me dislike him even more that he was asking for reassurance when we barely knew each other and for all he knew I was busy. 6 hours isn't much. About a day later I snapped out of it enough to reply I had some personal things going on. I was semi-self aware enough at the time to realize I wasn't interested enough due to a variety of reasons to even work on the differences in communication so I ended it. He didn't mean to cross my boundaries but his over enthusiasm felt stifling. I'm sure to the right women she would welcome and love it. The crossing boundaries is such a great point. I think to the other person it doesn't feel at all like a crossing of boundaries, but on this end, it can be super triggering. Again it's hard to say for the person in question here what their intention is and what is going on for them. But this resonated so much with me/FA -- I had no right to boundaries growing up. And so everything can feel like an encroachment on my space and time even if to someone else it would seem pretty negligible. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2023 14:57:01 GMT
Yep. A few years ago, I was early stages with a guy who was wanting a lot of phone calls and contact and I wasn't able to articulate my discomfort, was just trying to push thru. Well my pet died and his next call sent me over the edge and I shut down from everyone. 6 hours later he asked if I was mad at him and it made me dislike him even more that he was asking for reassurance when we barely knew each other and for all he knew I was busy. 6 hours isn't much. About a day later I snapped out of it enough to reply I had some personal things going on. I was semi-self aware enough at the time to realize I wasn't interested enough due to a variety of reasons to even work on the differences in communication so I ended it. He didn't mean to cross my boundaries but his over enthusiasm felt stifling. I'm sure to the right women she would welcome and love it. The crossing boundaries is such a great point. I think to the other person it doesn't feel at all like a crossing of boundaries, but on this end, it can be super triggering. Again it's hard to say for the person in question here what their intention is and what is going on for them. But this resonated so much with me/FA -- I had no right to boundaries growing up. And so everything can feel like an encroachment on my space and time even if to someone else it would seem pretty negligible. My take is, it's not a boundary someone else can cross until you communicate it, unless it's obvious like something that is universally considered out of bounds. Prior to communication, it's personal discomfort, and if you're aware of it but don't communicate you violate your own boundaries. The problem with insecure attachment is it has everyone around walking on eggshells, with the anxious types trying to mind read and the avoidant types just retreating. But the solution to all of it is always an inside job, understanding ones own needs and communicating out of respect for self and others. The single biggest ongoing challenge to me is to navigate 1) understanding myself and 2) communicating in a way that supports me and others. Of course the anxious will seek instead to understand others and communicate in a way that seeks to fix, help, heal... while ignoring their own discomfort until they implode or explode. Avoidants tend to protect their own discomfort and ignore the needs of others. Two sides of the insecure coin that create perpetual toxicity. |
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Post by seeking on Sept 3, 2023 12:29:09 GMT
My take is, it's not a boundary someone else can cross until you communicate it, unless it's obvious like something that is universally considered out of bounds. Prior to communication, it's personal discomfort, and if you're aware of it but don't communicate you violate your own boundaries. You haven't met my family.  My family would tell me how I need to think or feel, or not feel. But I know what you mean. I think in the case of enmeshment, it's all a boundary violation - because there are no true boundaries, so everything is experienced as an intrusion or even an introject.... |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2023 13:52:24 GMT
My take is, it's not a boundary someone else can cross until you communicate it, unless it's obvious like something that is universally considered out of bounds. Prior to communication, it's personal discomfort, and if you're aware of it but don't communicate you violate your own boundaries. You haven't met my family. My family would tell me how I need to think or feel, or not feel. But I know what you mean. I think in the case of enmeshment, it's all a boundary violation - because there are no true boundaries, so everything is experienced as an intrusion or even an introject.... Yeah I get it mine was really awful about enmeshment too... I shpuld have clarified I mean in adult relationships we become responsible for creating and maintaining boundaries with others, they don't really exist until we put them there. Until that point it's a real mess. |
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Post by browniespie on Sept 6, 2023 7:29:36 GMT
I had took time to do healing, as weeks past by, I had calmed down from an anxious mode, talks with therapist is helping to open another dimension to see myself. For once I felt more aligned to who I am rather being anxious when I am with him.
Reviewing my time with him the pattern was consistent with FAs
He Love bomb -> I fell in love with him -> we got entangled together -> he realised he don't like someone so close in his life -> retreat -> I chase after -> he retreat further -> end of relationship
In between, there are passive aggressiveness, non confrontational protests behavior...
Now I see his way of ignoring me as a way of protest? He saw my last texts, read and ignored.
I was surprised when I read on reddit that FA typically do not block people, I guess that's their way to feel safe? Not abandoned?
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Post by mrob on Sept 6, 2023 10:30:06 GMT
Yes and no. I think it depends on who puts a stop to the infinite circle that you’ve not quite got to (and hopefully you don’t). I’m not a fan of blocking people, but when it’s been necessary, I have.
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Post by browniespie on Sept 6, 2023 14:57:31 GMT
Yes and no. I think it depends on who puts a stop to the infinite circle that you’ve not quite got to (and hopefully you don’t). I’m not a fan of blocking people, but when it’s been necessary, I have. I am slowly moving towards ending this circle. Anyway I doubt he would circle back, as I felt he seems to have a very deep sense of resentment towards the end of the relationship. As for the reading and ignoring of my text while deactivating, I had seeked opinion from few friends, there are many possibilities, could be bread crumbing trying to keep me waiting (AP level of patience is incredible when we are in love) while he is in progress of a new relationship etc if that don't works circle back, a protest behavior to feel he is in control to response, out of spitefulness kind of let me have my own medicine to feel his pain, to check if I had gone crazy texting him chasing him for ego boost. Anyway these doesn't matters, I had learnt my lesson well, and it somehow it was an opportunity to reconnect with my inner self for healing. |
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Post by mrob on Sept 6, 2023 22:15:17 GMT
While all theirs things could be true, and “bread-crumbing” is the result, with an FA in deactivation, that’s not what’s happening. Deactivation is frightening, a flight response. If you need to think the behaviour is malicious to be able to move on, that’s totally understandable. It’s crap behaviour. But, if he’s acting in a textbook FA way, all isn’t as your friends say.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 6, 2023 23:17:41 GMT
A lot of insecures have unaware insecures as friends. Like attracts like. Relying on them for opinions on romances going sour from attachment issues isn't going to get you anywhere. I'm sure your friends are great, supportive, and there for you, but if they go in the same circles in their own romantic lives, you're talking to an echo chamber and often not able to give each other good advice because of dysfunctional behaviors being normalized for the entire friend circle. I didn't drop all my insecure attachment style friends of years when I earned secure or anything, but I did stop seeking any romantic advice and perspectives from the ones who for years were going around in the same circles as me. It isn't that their advice is invalid, but following it would get me the same results we'd always had, overanalyzing, extending the merry-go-round, etc. I agree with mrob I wouldn't assume he's playing games trying to be vindictive. He's just set in his own broken patterns regardless of you, and is going to do what feels most comfortable for him. Still doesn't mean he can show up or you should accept not being treated well, but you don't need to assume the worst of him either while recognizing he's still not an emotionally safe or stable partner for you. |
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Post by browniespie on Sept 8, 2023 12:50:01 GMT
Thanks for sharing. I have the impression he had deep sense of resentment before he left. And felt that whatever he do after is out of bad intention. I guess I was trying to label this person during detachment process which isn't right. And I never really know what he is thinking of.
alexandra, yes you were right. My friends have difficulties in relationship as well, I can recognize their attachment style (anxious, avoidants) based on my knowledge of them. I am now seeking advise from other friends who are more secured or are more wise in life matters as well as my therapist who had been a great help for me.
He had minor deactivation period prior, once in June and July probably over 2 weeks each time and gave some crappy reasons each time. I guess he was under tremendous amount of stress while in a relationship.
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Post by annieb on Sept 9, 2023 17:53:15 GMT
I just want to add that some of the insecure reactions border on delusion and maybe that’s where we can draw the line how far in a limb we are going to go for the other person. Because if someone is feeling resentment after you’ve been kind to them, loved them and wished them the best, it’s a delusion. I guess deep down they think they don’t deserve your kindness? How can we even begin that journey of self acceptance for them? It’s an inside job and we can not attachment theory our way out of it.
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My family would tell me how I need to think or feel, or not feel.