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Post by browniespie on Aug 24, 2023 4:20:12 GMT
I am 40y (F) dating a FA 41y (M). I wasn't even aware there is attachment type call FA, i only read it up recently and boy, all the points the behaviour was accurate!
We had been dating somewhat closer to 1 year.
We met during an social event, he reached out and we clicked and went out continuously.
Throughout our dating , I just felt that he is blowing hot and cold, took ages to reply msgs, don't remember birthday etc.
Sometimes he is very passionate and sometimes ice cold (giving me silent treatment).
Checking out some guide to determine if a FA love me, I think he did. He shared his hobby with me (game card), affectionate, he would hold my hand voluntarily.
He opened his past to me, I was able to know that he has a turmoiled childhood, probably abused (I guessed from the tone he narrate)
He planned a vacation together sometimes this May, where we went for a short trip. And looking back i suspect the trip was a trigger.
We had sex during the trip, everything seems fine. but there was a sense he wasn't happy i wasn't sure why back then.
We text probably daily, but shortly back from the trip i sense he was pulling away. in between June and Jul he seems very disengaged. Didn't initiate any catch up etc. But we still text. I am anxious attachment and I start panicking but hold from getting too close. In June there was a deactivation period where he didn't reach out for over a week. I was thinking our relationship was ending.
Then he appear again.
We continue texting and in between some meet up, but the meetup i sense he had a very deep sense of unhappiness.
And the one day he text me he was overwhelmed, wanting to escape and hide. I didn't know he was FA i thought this was a sign of depression and wanted to meet him immediately. He shut down, ,my msgs following went unread. But he didn't block me.
With the new knowledge that he is likely a FA (He met more than 90% of the traits)
Looking back, I recall that sometimes I make decision without consulting him and probably this activated him big time. Probably some other boundaries as well.
I didn't realised he has problem setting boundaries as normal people would.
Even if he didn't like how he was treated, he kept in, and grew resentment and convinced himself that his partner is wrong to treat him this way etc.
Recalling there were episodes of subtle protest which I didn't pick up all. But when I did asked him when he is sulky or looks agitated he just refused to say or gave a excuse it was a tiring day for him
I am very lost now as in what I should do? I had never dated someone so difficult , unreadable. But I still feel love for him.
What are FA thinking of when they got their boundaries violated yet they don't speak up?
Or is this a way they convinced themselves why they have to leave?
If he is leaving why is he keeping a line of communication, unblocked whatsapp?? He is giving me signals that is all confusing.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2023 5:05:54 GMT
So as long as he doesn't block you, you see potential?
You need to examine why you are acting like a total AP chasing and or/ waiting around for a totally unavailable guy. My take at least, since you asked.
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Post by cherrycola on Aug 24, 2023 5:27:50 GMT
As an FA, I hate cutting ties completely. Feels like too much abandonment for me. I want to keep you somewhere because it feels safer.
Also, before I did a lot of work on myself I couldn't communicate my boundaries or needs because I could bearly recognize when they were crossed to begin with. Just got uncomfortable/upset. Even when I could begin to sort of suss then out I couldn't communicate them because it was terrifying and I would go into freeze or flight rather then discuss my very valid needs.
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Post by mrob on Aug 24, 2023 5:33:36 GMT
I’ll bet that in time he will circle back, hence not blocking everywhere, which is typically FA behaviour.
As @introvert said, this is the time to consider your own attachment style. Where do you fit in this? There’s no apportion of blame, just observation.
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Post by browniespie on Aug 24, 2023 5:56:20 GMT
I fit in the anxious attachment side and have issues that I need to work on as well. I tend to over prioritise my partner due to insecurity.
I guess his ghosting is a FA behavior almost like a reflex to uncomfortable situation.
I the mean time, I will focus on myself and healing.
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Post by mrob on Aug 24, 2023 7:15:21 GMT
The uncomfortable is generally “too close”. Then the ghosting (awful term) results in “too far”, then a cycle can begin.
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Post by browniespie on Aug 24, 2023 13:54:19 GMT
The uncomfortable is generally “too close”. Then the ghosting (awful term) results in “too far”, then a cycle can begin. OK got it.... very difficult life. I am seeing a therapist to help me in my recovery journey. Hope I won't see him circling back. |
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Post by seeking on Aug 25, 2023 12:36:29 GMT
You asked: "What are FA thinking of when they got their boundaries violated yet they don't speak up?"
As an FA, for me, the answer would be we are not "thinking" we are shutting down - as you noticed and wrote about earlier in your post.
This is a survival state. It sounds like something triggered him way back and his behavior that followed is one of shut down, withdrawal and blocking rather than, as you noticed, healthy communication (talking about what happened, working through it) and boundaries.
Likely it wasn't anything you did or didn't do but something from his history ...
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Post by browniespie on Aug 27, 2023 12:19:48 GMT
You asked: "What are FA thinking of when they got their boundaries violated yet they don't speak up?" As an FA, for me, the answer would be we are not "thinking" we are shutting down - as you noticed and wrote about earlier in your post. This is a survival state. It sounds like something triggered him way back and his behavior that followed is one of shut down, withdrawal and blocking rather than, as you noticed, healthy communication (talking about what happened, working through it) and boundaries. Likely it wasn't anything you did or didn't do but something from his history ... Is this shut down the same per deactivation? |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 27, 2023 19:09:04 GMT
You asked: "What are FA thinking of when they got their boundaries violated yet they don't speak up?" As an FA, for me, the answer would be we are not "thinking" we are shutting down - as you noticed and wrote about earlier in your post. This is a survival state. It sounds like something triggered him way back and his behavior that followed is one of shut down, withdrawal and blocking rather than, as you noticed, healthy communication (talking about what happened, working through it) and boundaries. Likely it wasn't anything you did or didn't do but something from his history ... Is this shut down the same per deactivation? Yes….a shut down is a deactivation. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2023 15:00:23 GMT
Deactivation is interesting, but I'd suggest you check out "activation" in anxious preoccupied attachment. That's the real problem you need to tackle. You may be suffering activation even as you type the post, trying to find a way to reestablish connection with a partner who has kept you guessing for the entire relationship. You've been caught in your own insecure reactions, and that's a difficult life, just as difficult as the FA life.
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Post by browniespie on Aug 29, 2023 1:59:03 GMT
Deactivation is interesting, but I'd suggest you check out "activation" in anxious preoccupied attachment. That's the real problem you need to tackle. You may be suffering activation even as you type the post, trying to find a way to reestablish connection with a partner who has kept you guessing for the entire relationship. You've been caught in your own insecure reactions, and that's a difficult life, just as difficult as the FA life. Yes, I am aware of my attachment style now and is working with a therapist. Life certainly is hard for me. My life philosophy is not to go without trying. I did my best in this relationship and came to term that if my partner choose to let go, or leave. I have to accept that. But I dun want to leave without even trying to work things out though, just left too much what ifs question in my mind. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 29, 2023 2:21:05 GMT
Deactivation is interesting, but I'd suggest you check out "activation" in anxious preoccupied attachment. That's the real problem you need to tackle. You may be suffering activation even as you type the post, trying to find a way to reestablish connection with a partner who has kept you guessing for the entire relationship. You've been caught in your own insecure reactions, and that's a difficult life, just as difficult as the FA life. Yes, I am aware of my attachment style now and is working with a therapist. Life certainly is hard for me. My life philosophy is not to go without trying. I did my best in this relationship and came to term that if my partner choose to let go, or leave. I have to accept that. But I dun want to leave without even trying to work things out though, just left too much what ifs question in my mind. I understand about trying….because I have done that too….but….I would encourage you to go deeper….because I suspect the root of “trying” goes much further back to your childhood. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2023 4:03:21 GMT
Deactivation is interesting, but I'd suggest you check out "activation" in anxious preoccupied attachment. That's the real problem you need to tackle. You may be suffering activation even as you type the post, trying to find a way to reestablish connection with a partner who has kept you guessing for the entire relationship. You've been caught in your own insecure reactions, and that's a difficult life, just as difficult as the FA life. Yes, I am aware of my attachment style now and is working with a therapist. Life certainly is hard for me. My life philosophy is not to go without trying. I did my best in this relationship and came to term that if my partner choose to let go, or leave. I have to accept that. But I dun want to leave without even trying to work things out though, just left too much what ifs question in my mind. You don't have to leave... he does the leaving. I'm sure all your questions will be answered in time, good luck! |
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Post by seeking on Aug 29, 2023 12:52:53 GMT
I haven't read all the responses, but to be clear by "shut down" I actually meant a nervous system state over which the person doesn't have a lot of control (at first) (they can go back and work with that state if they are aware and doing that work).
I used to think folks did this stuff on purpose or with intention and take it all very personally but then I learned in my own self-work and awareness, it's not always conscious or in my control. I've been triggered a lot by people and my nervous system goes into overwhelm and freeze, sometimes due to the fact that exiled "parts" are being triggered and my fire-fighter parts are trying to protect them so I "move away" from the threat. Other times b/c I have some mild neurodivergence, my brain gets overwhelmed and confused and I need more time to process. And usually b/c I don't want the connection to end but I don't feel like I'm in a place to speak or bring up what's bothering me (I don't know how or I have to sort it out) so again, I withdraw/move away.
Deactivation which is relatively new to me feels more like a coping strategy but not something I'm always totally conscious of. Someone might be getting too close. My system may be feeling a degree of intensity that is very uncomfortable. Heck, I might even be "protesting" someone else's seeming abandonment or departure (which seems more AP, even though I'm more predominantly FA) and deactivate as a way to get control over all that pain that's coming up.
I think that deactivation is the strategy for a freeze state - so it's like freeze/shut down is the mechanism and deactivation is the way I may behave as a result of that nervous system state.
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