Post by anxiousushi on Oct 4, 2023 18:55:07 GMT
I'm F 22 years old, and I find myself in an emotionally confusing situation with my current crush(F). Initially, I was excited and happy to be around her, just like any normal crush, but over time, this relationship has started to trigger a range of complex and negative emotions in me.
To provide some context, I had a previous experience with a crush when i was 13 yrs old in which I felt dominated and constantly compared to her by my environment and my parents. This led to feelings of insecurity and envy within me, because it was like whe was everything I couldnt be. Also it happened to me that I was scared of her, I sometimes would start shaking. Since a Child I´ve always been insecure. Now, with my current crush, I'm experiencing similar emotions. Despite her talking about her ex, I find myself listening to her , but at the same time, I feel anxiety and fear.
We became emotionally intimate and now it scared everything out of me.
This situation has led me to questionate my own feelings. Do I really like her, or are my insecurities and fears influencing my perception? I'm afraid of what I'm feeling and how this may be related to my childhood traumas, in which my parents were unpredictable and hard on me, and blamed me over everything. My father was hard on me and exigent, strict, everytime I didnt want to do something he wanted me too I´d inmediately be the worst daughter on earth. My mother was like a bomb about to explode at any moment, unpredictable, unstable, and very scary.
I am very confused and maybe because of my childhood I have anxious-avoidant attachment.
It feels like I will never even know what my sexuality is because of that it feels very frustrating as I am scared of everything and dont have a stable sense of self, I´ve never had. I am also scared to lose my self and just go back to the begining and be nothing again, just like how I was when I was a child. It is overwhelming and scaring I´ve also been having nightmares, it is scary. I´ve had dreams in where my crush is my girlfriend and we kiss, but I am scared of her.
I am angry at my parents because I´ve never had romantic love because of my issues.
Also what if I am scared to admit that I like men because I am just scared of rejection and that I will never be enough??? but at the same time its like I cant like them, and that I like women, and I am confused, what the hell, I just want to be normal, for gods sake. I think I have childhood trauma . When I was 12 I started having panic attacks and ocd, and my last therapist told me that she thinks it was just a crisis from something that happened to me in my childhood.
I appreciate any experiences you can share, I dont want to feel alone in this, I already posted this on reddit, but it was completely ignored, I really need help rn and it would mean the world to have some understanding and to know that I am not alone. Thank you if you read this far.
To provide some context, I had a previous experience with a crush when i was 13 yrs old in which I felt dominated and constantly compared to her by my environment and my parents. This led to feelings of insecurity and envy within me, because it was like whe was everything I couldnt be. Also it happened to me that I was scared of her, I sometimes would start shaking. Since a Child I´ve always been insecure. Now, with my current crush, I'm experiencing similar emotions. Despite her talking about her ex, I find myself listening to her , but at the same time, I feel anxiety and fear.
We became emotionally intimate and now it scared everything out of me.
This situation has led me to questionate my own feelings. Do I really like her, or are my insecurities and fears influencing my perception? I'm afraid of what I'm feeling and how this may be related to my childhood traumas, in which my parents were unpredictable and hard on me, and blamed me over everything. My father was hard on me and exigent, strict, everytime I didnt want to do something he wanted me too I´d inmediately be the worst daughter on earth. My mother was like a bomb about to explode at any moment, unpredictable, unstable, and very scary.
I am very confused and maybe because of my childhood I have anxious-avoidant attachment.
It feels like I will never even know what my sexuality is because of that it feels very frustrating as I am scared of everything and dont have a stable sense of self, I´ve never had. I am also scared to lose my self and just go back to the begining and be nothing again, just like how I was when I was a child. It is overwhelming and scaring I´ve also been having nightmares, it is scary. I´ve had dreams in where my crush is my girlfriend and we kiss, but I am scared of her.
I am angry at my parents because I´ve never had romantic love because of my issues.
Also what if I am scared to admit that I like men because I am just scared of rejection and that I will never be enough??? but at the same time its like I cant like them, and that I like women, and I am confused, what the hell, I just want to be normal, for gods sake. I think I have childhood trauma . When I was 12 I started having panic attacks and ocd, and my last therapist told me that she thinks it was just a crisis from something that happened to me in my childhood.
I appreciate any experiences you can share, I dont want to feel alone in this, I already posted this on reddit, but it was completely ignored, I really need help rn and it would mean the world to have some understanding and to know that I am not alone. Thank you if you read this far.
