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Post by heretogrow on Nov 13, 2023 13:07:55 GMT
Are there any FA success stories on here of relationships actually working out over the long term? I'm curious to hear about those. What was the trajectory? When were the break ups, if any? How long did people separate? What changed when they came back together? What work was done differently, realizations, new acceptance, etc?
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Post by mrob on Nov 13, 2023 13:23:50 GMT
People generally get here bewildered by their circumstance, from all across the types. I can think of quite a few over the years, but generally not in the way you’re thinking.
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KAI
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by KAI on Nov 13, 2023 13:40:42 GMT
Hello,
i would say people who come here are generally brought here because they are desperate about a situation, that would be their first posts : description of an initial situation that they realize is super toxic, and trying to find answers. You will see numerous posts that have a bit the same structure. I would say, it's mostly APs writing, and the stories are a bit all alike.
Generally, at this stage of the work, there will not be "success", and as mrob says "success" would mostly be about the OP finding some comfort / growing more secure. which not necessarily implies the success of the relationship that first brought them here.
So yeah success is mostly achieved within yourself.
now, maybe there's also something to consider is : if there is "success" inside of the relationship, the OP might think they found an easy fix, and not come back until it goes bad again. This is totally my case : i've been around since 2020, and i've mostly come around when i'm not so good.
Even though, lately, i've started a new chapter and i've found myself coming regularly to check on other's stories and try to bring some advice if i can.
There are really good guides here that reached this inner "success" (even thoug it's probably still a fight for them) and that are generous enough to come back and share : Alexandra, Mrob, Usernametaken, Anne12 ... Those are my success stories 
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Post by heretogrow on Nov 13, 2023 14:57:17 GMT
I hear you, in that success is often defined as the AP not chasing a person that doesn't want to be with them/can't be with them in a healthy way anymore.
What I'm talking about though are relationships between FA and AP where both people actually really do shift in meaningful ways after a breakup and come back together successfully in a long term committed relationship.
In my situation, the message was "maybe" for the future. While I definitely have no plans of chasing or even initiating contact, I do wonder about what could happen down the line if/when he does reach out after a year or more. What others experience has been when they take 1 year or more to work on themselves and then try to begin again fresh after much solo work.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 13, 2023 16:35:58 GMT
There's only one story I can think of like this, and it's one I read on the internet. Jayson Gaddis and his wife Ellen Boeder who run a relationship school business. They're both therapists, met in their masters program I believe, and still struggled for years until they both got themselves together. The only other one that was promising was Neil Strauss, who wrote the book The Truth about how hard it was for him to finally get help and that it took years but he eventually reconciled with his ex and married her. They got divorced within 5 years.
I can't think of anything outside these high profile ones. No examples in my real life, which is full of people who have had insecure relationships. There are couples who exist in the world with anxious-avoidant dynamics who couples' therapy helps when they are on the verge of divorce, but without that level of commitment both individually and to making a marriage (or equivalent serious level of relationship) work, breaking up and reconciling successfully isn't very common. Two people getting on the exact same growth trajectory and schedule to work through issues after a breakup is pretty unlikely. Usually one person outgrows the other, and eventually finds a better suited match once they are ready. Or they both keep running in circles over and over and their relationship dynamics with others don't change. Once in a blue moon, all the timing factors line up, but those are extreme outliers.
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 13, 2023 21:19:54 GMT
I think a lot of insecures get married to each other….but as to whether they would qualify as a success story is questionable.
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Post by heretogrow on Nov 13, 2023 23:42:17 GMT
So interestingly one of my therapists who follows Stan tatkin’s model, made the point to me the other day that Stan’s belief and therapy model follows the logic that a successful relationship can be had by any pair of attachment styles, they just have to learn and practice secure functioning behavior. He says that you don’t ever really lose your attachment wiring, you learn to live with it more effectively and make space for your partner, understand needs better, practice skills, and you can learn as a couple to succeed with it.
So there must be success stories, no? Maybe this forum isn’t geared toward that? I know I came here remembering the book “bad boyfriends” which basically tells you steer clear.
But yeah, I hear you, odds are after a break up has occurred…less likely probably. And less likely if not married.
But also I think that the greatest transformations are almost always born out of significant pain. That’s been the case in my life.
So who knows?
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Post by cherrycola on Nov 14, 2023 1:01:11 GMT
I have what I consider success stories, but they are not what you are probably looking for. I am FA, and am now friends with my ex husband of 17 years who is AP. We can now communicate on a level we never had while together. We were very rare that we felt it worth it to work through all the resentments we had while together and came out the other side with a far better understanding of ourselves and each other. We held each other to non-violent communication and had a level of honesty we did not have before. But we also did not rekindle things despite this work. I just couldn't get back on that on and off marry go round and I did not see enough change in some of his behaviors to risk it
He is now getting remarried to a women who from what I know of her is very secure.
My best friend who is an FA said she feels far more secure/safe with me then she does with her husband and that has taken work on both our parts to achieve.
I really just go through life now with a lense of emotional safety. Both for myself and others who I choose to have in my life.
Though I'm still a work in progress I feel much more grounded these days. I don't feel a need to chase after people or that I need anyone to complete me.
I have seen it repeated time and again in the literature that once you really do the work to heal your own patterns you have nothing drawing you to this other person. You no longer need to act out your drama and you are free to find someone who is better suited to you.
I also know of one couple who is doing the work and has been for some time and as they reach their 50s and are still miserable with each other I have to wonder at what point is it just extending the pain and they should be alone to heal and move on.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 14, 2023 1:04:47 GMT
I respectfully disagree with your therapist. I fully earned secure, and my thinking patterns and wiring completely changed. It is not easy but it is possible to fully change your attachment style. That doesn't mean you necessarily need to for a successful relationship, and yes, I agree that if two people are already on track to want to be more secure within themselves, and are committed to putting in the effort for themselves (and together), then they can have a secure attachment to each other without shifting their overall insecure styles. But both need to really be on the same page, and saying no one can ever truly fully change is simply not true.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 14, 2023 1:18:38 GMT
I also consider it a success story that I worked enough on myself to earn secure, stopped trying to reconcile with my FA ex, and recognized when I met a great compatible match (my husband). Being textbook AP like I was was stressful and exhausting, and getting more secure has more than likely improved my physical health. Because it's so much easier to cope with stress in a healthy way without constant attachment wounding patterns playing out, in life in general and not just in dating. That change has been just as important as the improvements in my romantic life. Which is also why it's important to focus on who you want to be and grow into, more than what other people around you (including exes) are doing and how they might respond to your changes.
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 14, 2023 4:45:20 GMT
So interestingly one of my therapists who follows Stan tatkin’s model, made the point to me the other day that Stan’s belief and therapy model follows the logic that a successful relationship can be had by any pair of attachment styles, they just have to learn and practice secure functioning behavior. He says that you don’t ever really lose your attachment wiring, you learn to live with it more effectively and make space for your partner, understand needs better, practice skills, and you can learn as a couple to succeed with it. So there must be success stories, no? Maybe this forum isn’t geared toward that? I know I came here remembering the book “bad boyfriends” which basically tells you steer clear. But yeah, I hear you, odds are after a break up has occurred…less likely probably. And less likely if not married. But also I think that the greatest transformations are almost always born out of significant pain. That’s been the case in my life. So who knows? I also disagree with the idea that you can remain insecure but simply practice secure functioning behavior because unless the root is addressed….acting secure will break down and old nervous system patterns will re arise. Case in point….my mom and my step father are both FAs….and as much as they love each other….they get stuck so often because of old defensive patterns built from trauma. Last night, they had a petty argument over when to visit my brother for Christmas. My mom suggested they go up a day later then my step father wanted to go…and instead of acknowledging her suggestion and talking it through, his response was “we will take 2 cars…period”….basically shutting her down. And this is just 1 example of how things are…..and yes…they went to couples counseling and my mom did like 5 individual sessions….but none of it has stuck because the root of their individual trauma is still driving the show. |
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Post by anne12 on Nov 14, 2023 5:39:48 GMT
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Post by iz42 on Nov 14, 2023 6:48:38 GMT
My therapist is skeptical of the black-or-white "insecure" vs "secure" labels. She believes that nobody is 100% secure. (Maybe this isn't true -- do folks test 100% secure on tests?) She says we can make transformations that lead to more secure nervous system functioning but we all have our tendencies that come out in certain moments, even once we've moved past our insecure conditioning.
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Post by anne12 on Nov 14, 2023 8:16:11 GMT
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Post by alexandra on Nov 14, 2023 11:47:38 GMT
I don't think it's going to be realistic for anyone to be 100% secure, but they also don't need to be. A lot of emotional safety in relationships seems dependent on how responsive people are to bids for connection, which I've seen discussed and studied both in romantic relationships and parent/baby dynamics (John Gottman talks about this being a meaningful metric a lot). While being attuned enough to the other person to positively respond to bids most of the time is best, it doesn't need to be perfect or every time. Personally, my thought patterns changed when I first started testing over about 65% secure, which coincided with my overall general style shifting from insecure to secure. That's also when I stopped getting triggered by abandonment fears and could be healthier about bids for connection (rather than co-dependent).
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