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Post by tnr9 on May 31, 2024 17:35:57 GMT
Hello everyone. I have written here before. I am in so much pain right now. I have got to the limit point with my avoidant person after two years of "situationship" and I am at my lowest point. In February he has been super present and it seemed things had changed, in March he stayed at my house to look after my cat while I was in my country for holidays, but things became distant again recently and it is has been very complicated. He keeps on saying that he cares about me and that he always did, but still he would not almost contact me, and it is always me proposing things and he says that he won't do it, that it is not something of him to propose stuff etc, and he recently said that we are going to see each other less as he wants to implement a new life/sport routine for which our times are not the same, and we would not see each other during the week. He has many activities with his friends too on the weekends (so do I, but still...) He said that it does not mean that he would put me on a side, but it is, as he barely contacts me and wants to see me less (I dont see his point, really). I am in pain cause I feel distant too, but still so much in love. I talked to him about what I was not liking (leaving me on read on WA for instance) and he said he is sorry but still he won't change and I know it. I asked if we really wanted to see each other again and he said that he did not think we were going to separate, and we decided to meet in a few days, but I do not know what to do. I can't see him and pretend I am fine while I have been so horrible all these days. It is the first time I really contemplate to get it over but I dont know how. He said he feels I want something more, but the reality is that I dont want something LESS of what we had cause we shared so much intimacy. I can keep on being what we were, but having less, I dont know if its an option for me. I would like to tell him, but I guess it will be the end. I live in a country which is not mine, I have friends but I live alone and hate that. I dont like it, I feel in so much pain and anxiety when home alone. It really sounds like this is not the right relationship for you….even if it works for him. Sometimes the pain of being alone is actually less then someone who is constantly setting off your nervous system and making you feel hurt, mad and lonely. He has already stated his intentions and now you get to decide what you want. There are other ways to not be lonely….a hobby is a good way to invest in something you enjoy, some form of exercise can also be a great way of getting out. If you currently live by yourself, maybe finding a place with a roommate would be preferable…especially if this is not your home country. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 31, 2024 18:20:02 GMT
Thanks! Yes I have many hobbies. I do aerial silks, I am passionate of theatre (I dont act but I do workshops of playwriting and theatre direction). But they won't last a lot and I have to find more things for the following months or I will get crazy after work alone home. Yes I thought about roommates, but I just moved to a new place and it is not easy to find a house with no-university people of my age. I dont know any who are looking for roommates now. But i am thinking about it cause loneliness home its driving me nuts sometimes. It is not the right relationship but it is so so hard. I fell so much in love with him and it i incredibly difficult cause he would not reach out often and when he does sometimes he share a lot and at times he just say almost nothing (and the majority of times its me reaching out really). I do not know how long we will be without talking these days, we are supposed to meet on Sunday but I have no energy to reach out this time. And it’s not a silly, sexual relationship. We shared A LOT and we supported each other so it is really contradictory all the time not to talk. You can love someone and realize that person is just not in a place to meet your relationship needs…even if there are “moments” where you two connected. What you need is to look over the whole duration of the relationship…look at the inconsistencies and not just the good moments you hope to have again. He has made it clear that he is good with how things are and does not see any reason to change. |
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Post by alexandra on May 31, 2024 21:08:04 GMT
Is it still your dream to have a husband and kids? If so, continuing to chase this situationship will bring you further and further from your dream, possibly getting you to a point where it passes you by. This man does not want those things. The fact he "committed" to some woman who left him most likely indicates one of two things: he wasn't as committed to her as he claims and similar to you she wasn't satisfied with his capacity to commit OR he only committed to someone unavailable with one foot out the entire tine because he can't commit in a healthy way. I can't read his mind, I don't know them to know for sure, but these are the most likely scenarios. Either way, he's right, his intimacy issues have nothing to do with you.
Anyway, back to you being honest with yourself and about your future. In my 30s, I was finally ready to stop chasing avoidant men and work on myself and grow myself because I did want to get married and have a family before it was too late. Even if it was scary and I had to confront trauma and rebuild myself, it was my only option if I was going to have enough time to heal and meet an emotionally available man. It took time, years, but I made it through to the other side and did meet my husband. Please really think about yourself and what you want in life and whether or not if you continue on this same course (one in which you're in pain and miserable) if it brings you any closer to accomplishing your life goals. Often when people finally hit the point of being in so much pain that it's more painful to stay stuck than to try to do something different and change, that's where healing and growth come in. Put your feelings and thoughts directed towards him aside and be honest with yourself, no excuses, about what you want, and if staying attached to him is going to get you there.
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Post by kaleidorain on May 31, 2024 22:04:58 GMT
Is it still your dream to have a husband and kids? If so, continuing to chase this situationship will bring you further and further from your dream, possibly getting you to a point where it passes you by. This man does not want those things. The fact he "committed" to some woman who left him most likely indicates one of two things: he wasn't as committed to her as he claims and similar to you she wasn't satisfied with his capacity to commit OR he only committed to someone unavailable with one foot out the entire tine because he can't commit in a healthy way. I can't read his mind, I don't know them to know for sure, but these are the most likely scenarios. Either way, he's right, his intimacy issues have nothing to do with you. Anyway, back to you being honest with yourself and about your future. In my 30s, I was finally ready to stop chasing avoidant men and work on myself and grow myself because I did want to get married and have a family before it was too late. Even if it was scary and I had to confront trauma and rebuild myself, it was my only option if I was going to have enough time to heal and meet an emotionally available man. It took time, years, but I made it through to the other side and did meet my husband. Please really think about yourself and what you want in life and whether or not if you continue on this same course (one in which you're in pain and miserable) if it brings you any closer to accomplishing your life goals. Often when people finally hit the point of being in so much pain that it's more painful to stay stuck than to try to do something different and change, that's where healing and growth come in. Put your feelings and thoughts directed towards him aside and be honest with yourself, no excuses, about what you want, and if staying attached to him is going to get you there. Thank you so much, no, my dream has never been to have a spouse and kids. But i would like to have a partner to live with one day, this, yes. No kids involved. A lot of animals more likely. But a part from this all the rest that you said it's true. I dont know about his ex, I think they were committed but I know she eventually told him very strong things like that he was not present with her when one of her parents died. So I guess he must have been avoidant in some moments with her too, and I know she was a cold person so I guess she was avoidant too and maybe that's why they ended up together for years. I spend too much time speculating about these things cause I know I am worth it and he really likes me and finds me fascinating but still I don't have what she had (in my mind). What's super absurd of him is that he says he misses me, he cares a lot and I believe him for what I have seen from him, but later, he would not really reach out a lot. And he says he will not cause he is not like this, that he "does not have it interiorized". Also, in February I remember him being very much present, texting a lot more, looking for me and asking me to go out with his friends too. He started sleeping over at my palce which before he avoided to do. I thought things were changing.....but later again, distance. It is very awkard to me and I keep on thinking of that time as something I cannot understand, I dont know what happened in his mind back then to be that open and so fearless. I know I should not be here analyzing his behavior anymore but its very hard, being a trauma survivor of a partner's death, living alone in another country, being in love with an avoidant who seems to pull away suddenly all the time. I do not know how to end this circle even if i end things with him. I do DBT therapy (individual and grupal), I have a psychiatrist, I have hobbies and still I feel in so much pain. Thank you all for reading and the support, every word matters. |
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Post by alexandra on May 31, 2024 22:41:49 GMT
Oh, my apologies!! I went back and read your old posts to better remember your situation and I misread one then responsed bigger picture, but you said that was not your dream to have. So, my mistake! But the good news is, if you're not on a forced timeline to start a family, then you can really take your time to heal from all you've been through. I'm glad you're still sticking with therapy and treatment and I hope it helps. But I also hope you will leave a situation that makes you miserable to make space for yourself and open yourself up for a future situation that makes you happy. You've dealt with a lot of loss already and maybe you've gotten used to putting yourself second and being unhappy? But it doesn't need to be that way.
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 1, 2024 12:58:13 GMT
You're not going to get the consistent, committed relationship you want from this man. He does not make you a priority, while you make him a priority.He wants to spend less time with you to pursue sports, in a relationship that already wasn't "enough" from your standpoint.
I get so sick of the bar being set so low for men. So all he has to do is put in a "little" effort, and your therapist is telling you to be grateful instead of telling you to go for a FULL relationship where your needs are actually met?! Screw that.
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 2, 2024 13:08:31 GMT
I know what you mean. That was me through pretty much all of 2023 after the end of a 3 year r'ship with an FA partner, we lived together. I gave him all of me. All. of. me. By the end, my self-esteem was under the floor while he was chasing another woman. I had to move out of a house I loved, leave my pets, I was absolutely broken. And as a woman in my early 50's, time is running out to get it right.
That was not quite a year and a half ago. What have I done since then? Wow. Went through menopause. Started a pub trivia team. Starred in a 2-woman play. Got in the best shape of my life. Went to surf camp. Dated men who were better looking than my ex. Richer than my ex. Got overdue teeth cleaning/fillings, got my first tattoo, visited my high school bestie after 25 years. Started listening to “healing” music to sleep instead of tv. Went one whole year without being in a relationship which was a world record for me. Sooooo many self-help books, hours on forums, upped my antidepressants...
All that kept me alive (barely) but honestly, 2023 was hell, my posts here are full of anguish. But now, I can't imagine ever choosing a half-assed flake of a partner like the last one again. When I started feeling relationship-ready again, I really wanted to choose different. I've been dating a guy for 4 months now who is like me in how often he wants to spend time together, how much closeness he desires, how much commitment. I'm finding I'm actually relaxed during our time apart instead of on edge worrying what he's doing, and it's nice.
Can you take all that anger, pain, sadness and DO something with it? Use it to move towards something you want (away from things you don't?) Don't give up. Cursed isn't a thing, being disadvantaged because of trauma IS a thing, but you can work on it!
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Post by kaleidorain on Jun 2, 2024 15:47:11 GMT
I know what you mean. That was me through pretty much all of 2023 after the end of a 3 year r'ship with an FA partner, we lived together. I gave him all of me. All. of. me. By the end, my self-esteem was under the floor while he was chasing another woman. I had to move out of a house I loved, leave my pets, I was absolutely broken. And as a woman in my early 50's, time is running out to get it right. That was not quite a year and a half ago. What have I done since then? Wow. Went through menopause. Started a pub trivia team. Starred in a 2-woman play. Got in the best shape of my life. Went to surf camp. Dated men who were better looking than my ex. Richer than my ex. Got overdue teeth cleaning/fillings, got my first tattoo, visited my high school bestie after 25 years. Started listening to “healing” music to sleep instead of tv. Went one whole year without being in a relationship which was a world record for me. Sooooo many self-help books, hours on forums, upped my antidepressants... All that kept me alive (barely) but honestly, 2023 was hell, my posts here are full of anguish. But now, I can't imagine ever choosing a half-assed flake of a partner like the last one again. When I started feeling relationship-ready again, I really wanted to choose different. I've been dating a guy for 4 months now who is like me in how often he wants to spend time together, how much closeness he desires, how much commitment. I'm finding I'm actually relaxed during our time apart instead of on edge worrying what he's doing, and it's nice. Can you take all that anger, pain, sadness and DO something with it? Use it to move towards something you want (away from things you don't?) Don't give up. Cursed isn't a thing, being disadvantaged because of trauma IS a thing, but you can work on it! Love bunny you are so kind. Thanks so much. Yes I do many workshops. I do creative writing for theatre and direction for theatre workshops right now. They will end in one month and I am worrying I won't find anything new and that my time after work will be hell alone home. Meanwhile, those are very very good activities I enjoy incredibly. I do aerial silks too. I used to sing and play ukulele a bit but I quit to dedicate to theatre stuff. I am happy for you new life  I am going to see him tonight and it could be the last time I see him, if it results that we are going to meet just once in 10 days as happened this time (as he wants to change his routine and he says he cannot stay up until late at night during weeks as we did sometimes). I think it's not an option for me but it's super difficult to say. I feel it is easier for him now, he has new friends with whom he spends A LOT of time (increíble in our 30...) and he is an avoidant so of course he can stay alone and spend time apart from me. He says he misses me, but barely reaches out and wants to see me less, I guess that's how avoidants work. I felt stronger last days and more focused on my needs and so in pain that I did not even want to see him, but now I feel weak again after so much distance. We usually shared a lot of us and recently it did not happen, he did not sleep over, we did not spend weekends together as we both had other things with friends, and as it is not a formal relationship, each one did his/her things. So I feel the nostalgia of before, it's so painful. So painful to think that he can do it and I can't. Thanks for telling me there is hope. |
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Post by cherrycola on Jun 2, 2024 22:38:09 GMT
That pain can really be overwhelming. I often think of it as grieving a death. You are grieving the dreams of what could have been and yeah it hurts let hell. I really like this meditation for when I am overwhelmed. www.youtube.com/watch?v=6p_yaNFSYao&list=WL&index=19&t=8sOther things are warm showers and wrapping me arms around myself and hugging my shoulders. |
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Post by alexandra on Jun 3, 2024 0:47:51 GMT
You've been through so much. Is your therapist an expert in the areas you're most struggling with? PTSD, loss of a partner, insecure attachment? Or are they only an expert in DBT? It sounds like you may have outgrown your therapist's ability and may want to meet with others to test out if they might be a good match for where you're at right now. There's no rushing grieving and processing trauma, but after 4 years, it seems like you may try other things and people to make more progress. Of course all you've been through hurts, but if you're still stuck in so much pain that in certain ways functioning in life feels so difficult, you may need to explore if there's someone else with expertise that's a better match for where you're at right now. It sounds like you have a lot of depression and low self-esteem, and your therapist should be helping you with those areas too rather than you looking for help from your avoidant situation, as he does not have the capacity to help you or even show up for you.
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Post by kaleidorain on Jun 3, 2024 12:38:47 GMT
You've been through so much. Is your therapist an expert in the areas you're most struggling with? PTSD, loss of a partner, insecure attachment? Or are they only an expert in DBT? It sounds like you may have outgrown your therapist's ability and may want to meet with others to test out if they might be a good match for where you're at right now. There's no rushing grieving and processing trauma, but after 4 years, it seems like you may try other things and people to make more progress. Of course all you've been through hurts, but if you're still stuck in so much pain that in certain ways functioning in life feels so difficult, you may need to explore if there's someone else with expertise that's a better match for where you're at right now. It sounds like you have a lot of depression and low self-esteem, and your therapist should be helping you with those areas too rather than you looking for help from your avoidant situation, as he does not have the capacity to help you or even show up for you. I changed many therapists and I just changed to a new one. I think she is good, she does DBT and functional therapy which she says would be the best for me if i Remember well. I have been through EMDR too. It's difficult to find someone who has all these expertise. I have borderline disorder apparently too, that's why the pain I feel is so intense. |
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 3, 2024 12:59:59 GMT
Your pain is a message! What you're doing with this man, this "situationship," this seeing each other once every 10 days or whatever, isn't working.
If you haven't already, check out Baggagereclaim.com.uk, the works of Natalie Lue, might help you let go of him.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 3, 2024 19:18:22 GMT
Okay yes, good, DBT is the recommended treatment for BPD. I'm sure the PTSD on top of it makes it tricky, just wanted to make sure you weren't in the same place with the same therapist after 4 years telling you to be more appreciative of crumbs from this guy! Doesn't sound like that's what's going on though, the therapist is telling you to focus on the small things too that are good in order to ground yourself and not catastrophize or tell yourself the most negative story. Hang in there, and I agree with lovebunny. Your gut is trying to tell you something, which is that a situationship is not the kind of relationship that makes you happy. You do deserve better, and I hope the DBT gives you tools to help you see that and manage and heal your pain! |
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Post by cherrycola on Jun 4, 2024 4:34:11 GMT
The problem with avoidance is even if you understand it on a logical level. Changing your sub-conscious responses takes years of work. I mean I still suffer from some pretty bad avoidance and I've been working on it for the last 5 years. Before I was aware it just felt like internal resistance. I would do everything and anything to MOVE AWAY from it / the person causing me this discomfort.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 4, 2024 23:30:59 GMT
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I am going to see him tonight and it could be the last time I see him, if it results that we are going to meet just once in 10 days as happened this time (as he wants to change his routine and he says he cannot stay up until late at night during weeks as we did sometimes). I think it's not an option for me but it's super difficult to say. I feel it is easier for him now, he has new friends with whom he spends A LOT of time (increíble in our 30...) and he is an avoidant so of course he can stay alone and spend time apart from me. He says he misses me, but barely reaches out and wants to see me less, I guess that's how avoidants work.