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Post by kaleidorain on Jun 23, 2024 15:05:33 GMT
Sorry for erasing a Lot of My posts.i had a crisis and I thought a lot was here.
So. Of course he came back, begging perdon for deceiving me (for being so 'difficult' apparently) and telling me he has been thinking a lot about me and how I was and that distance made him seen and understand things. That he wanted to try to find the time for seeing me but that it was very complicated and that he does not know how.
So I tried, but it has been a week and nothing, absolutely nothing has changed.
While I disappeared and did not reach out, he contacted me after five days with his apologizing and later he reached out almost everyday also to organise to meet, and in a few occasion he was super present and careful of how I was, how I felt and telling me he wanted to hug me the second he would meet me, and telling me other sweet and nice things by chat.
But after we met, he again immediately returned to leave me in read, he never said any word about us meeting soon, and when I tried he said he felt pressured and uncomfortable cause I insisted immediately. The fact is maybe I did insisted immediately, and I recognize it was not the best of me to do so, and I am working it in therapy, but at the same time his behaviour changed again and super soon the moment I was there again.
We haven't met yet again after last week, we will meet soon, but it has been only me proposing it and trying to be accommodating not to bother him.
I KNOW that this is toxic, unhealthy, and trauma-based. I absolutely know. And at the same time, if I cut every tie with him I feel so miserable that I sleep all the time, I am half-functional, I sleep in the cab way to my office and I also sleep on my desk at office (I am functional in terms of work and tasks but ppl at work see me very bad and sleeping around....) while I feel awful inside.
I KNOW this is not good but how can't I stop? I am doing DBT RO therapy and functional therapy and we are working on my actitudes which I want to change. Insisting, controlling, complaining with friends all the time about my life, and also being arrogant in knowing what he is feeling according to his attachment style.
But I guess the last one is important for me to make a sense of the incomprehensible things he does, looking for me reaching out and later disappearing for HOURS and telling me he wants to see me, he thought a lot about me and that he is sorry, but later dont doing nothing about it.
WHY they are so complicated? Why is it just so impossible? How does he not realize how absurd his behaviour is?
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 24, 2024 10:46:59 GMT
Sorry for erasing a Lot of My posts.i had a crisis and I thought a lot was here. So. Of course he came back, begging perdon for deceiving me (for being so 'difficult' apparently) and telling me he has been thinking a lot about me and how I was and that distance made him seen and understand things. That he wanted to try to find the time for seeing me but that it was very complicated and that he does not know how. So I tried, but it has been a week and nothing, absolutely nothing has changed. While I disappeared and did not reach out, he contacted me after five days with his apologizing and later he reached out almost everyday also to organise to meet, and in a few occasion he was super present and careful of how I was, how I felt and telling me he wanted to hug me the second he would meet me, and telling me other sweet and nice things by chat. But after we met, he again immediately returned to leave me in read, he never said any word about us meeting soon, and when I tried he said he felt pressured and uncomfortable cause I insisted immediately. The fact is maybe I did insisted immediately, and I recognize it was not the best of me to do so, and I am working it in therapy, but at the same time his behaviour changed again and super soon the moment I was there again. We haven't met yet again after last week, we will meet soon, but it has been only me proposing it and trying to be accommodating not to bother him. I KNOW that this is toxic, unhealthy, and trauma-based. I absolutely know. And at the same time, if I cut every tie with him I feel so miserable that I sleep all the time, I am half-functional, I sleep in the cab way to my office and I also sleep on my desk at office (I am functional in terms of work and tasks but ppl at work see me very bad and sleeping around....) while I feel awful inside. I KNOW this is not good but how can't I stop? I am doing DBT RO therapy and functional therapy and we are working on my actitudes which I want to change. Insisting, controlling, complaining with friends all the time about my life, and also being arrogant in knowing what he is feeling according to his attachment style. But I guess the last one is important for me to make a sense of the incomprehensible things he does, looking for me reaching out and later disappearing for HOURS and telling me he wants to see me, he thought a lot about me and that he is sorry, but later dont doing nothing about it. WHY they are so complicated? Why is it just so impossible? How does he not realize how absurd his behaviour is? This is toxic. And the only question that matters is why are you still in contact? Any question about him is a distraction….
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 24, 2024 12:24:28 GMT
"How does he not realize how absurd his behaviour is?"
My friend, how do you not realize how absurd YOUR behaviour is?? It is the very definition of insanity to keep doing same thing over & over expecting different results.
The more you take him back, the less legs you have to stand on. Now he know when you say you won't settle for less time with him, it isn't true. You absolutely will.
I understand you're not functioning with or without him at this point. So get rid of him, go through the pain. Yes, there will be pain. Alot. But believe it or not, as much as it will hurt to leave for the short term, it will eventually hurt less than staying doing more damage to yourself in the long run.
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 24, 2024 13:35:45 GMT
I came across this poem recently and it resonated with me, maybe you too?
LEAVING IS NOT ENOUGH by Frida Kahlo
Leaving is not enough; you must
stay gone. train your heart
like a dog. change the locks
even on the house he’s never
visited. you lucky, lucky girl.
you have an apartment
just your size. a bathtub
full of tea. a heart the size
of Arizona, but not nearly
so arid. don’t wish away
your cracked past, your
crooked toes, your problems
are papier mache puppets
you made or bought because the vendor
at the market was so compelling you just
had to have them. you had to have him.
and you did. and now you pull down
the bridge between your houses,
you make him call before
he visits, you take a lover
for granted, you take
a lover who looks at you
like maybe you are magic. make
the first bottle you consume
in this place a relic. place it
on whatever altar you fashion
with a knife and five cranberries.
don’t lose too much weight.
stupid girls are always trying to
disappear as revenge. and you
are not stupid. you loved a man
with more hands than a parade
of beggars, and here you stand. heart
like a four-poster bed. heart like a canvas.
heart leaking something so strong
they can smell it in the street.
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Post by kaleidorain on Jun 24, 2024 14:26:18 GMT
Thank you! no i dont know if i will be able to spend less time with him, I am trying to understand it. We met recently and it was very good and as always, when he is with me and in person he is completely different than what he is on chat/at distance. completely. He is interested and present and close and he tried to find solutions to meet this next week and he proposed a day but i won't be able to make it. So it is shocking, how things change when we are close. I don't know, i am super confused.
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Post by kirrok on Jun 24, 2024 15:00:50 GMT
We met recently and it was very good… I don't know, i am super confused. Friend, this is so hard to read. Your pain and suffering are palpable, and it's awful to know that you're struggling as much as you are. It's not any fun to experience this, and I wish some ease and peace for your heart. A couple of things: it may feel good when you meet, but in sum total it's not good if it leaves you feeling terrible on the other side of it. And there's actually nothing to be confused about. You're trying to make sense of something as if it is logical, coherent, and consistent. It isn't, and it's never going to be. Ever. So, in the meantime, you're caught in this cycle of reenacting your trauma every time you allow this scenario to repeat itself. Essentially, you're torturing yourself because you're expecting to be able to logically work out how to change the reality of the situation, yet you have no control over him, nor the ability to rationally make sense of it. Your unconscious thinks, "If I can just get him to change, then this time everything will be different, and I won't have to feel this pain any more, and my trauma will be healed." It's very similar to being an addict of a very powerful drug. Intellectually you may know you need to quit taking the drug, but when you come down from your high – that understandably felt so, so good at the time – you feel worse and worse. Eventually, you may stay away long enough such that you go into withdrawal, but instead of seeing it through – feeling the awfulness of kicking the habit until it's no longer the thing you're dependent upon – you take another hit and go back into the awful loop again. This will continue to play out until you hit rock bottom, or worse. It's self-imposed suffering, albeit aided by the power of the drug's effects on your body. Your path to salvation from this suffering is to stop intellectualizing both your own pain and this other person, and to feel what your body needs to feel absent the drug. Find the strength to kick the habit – it's the only way you're ever going to feel better.
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Post by sunrisequest on Jun 25, 2024 3:06:38 GMT
I second Kirrok's post re the feelings of addiction and how the only way through is to kick the habit. Trying to make sense of it is you trying to find safety. None of it makes sense in a logical way, and I know you probably feel completely lost and head-fuddled about the whole thing... but it is all quite simple when you look at it from a distance, as we are doing reading your story on here. He has got you in a death roll - and will keep on going until you step out of the game. He probably won't stop on his own. I think you probably do know the truth of it all by now, but you're looking for the loophole... you're still hoping he will suddenly change, so you don't have to deal with the pain of letting go. But this thing is deep for him. It's not going to change in the near-future.
If you're struggling with the pain and it's so intense that you're truly not coping, it's time to make a plan of how you'll manage the pain, because if you don't deal with it now, it will just get bigger and more intense the longer you keep engaging in this. Perhaps when you decide it's finally time to cut contact off, you could try calling a mental health helpline every day for a couple of weeks will help you get through the worst of it. Or have you got any friends that you can send voice notes to every day to express your emotions and just have some caring human connection around you? Or you could record as many voice notes to yourself that you need... shout, rage, cry... let out those feelings in whatever way you can.
At the very least, you'll maintain some sense of dignity and self worth if you make a boundary and stick to it rather than allow him to call all the shots. That will help you later down the track when you are on the other side of this. Just keep tracking forwards and be really gentle with yourself.
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Post by kaleidorain on Jun 27, 2024 14:31:54 GMT
Sorry for not answering that, I am in the middle of understanding how to handle things but I thank everyone for their support, as always
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