|
|
Post by tnr9 on Dec 29, 2017 19:56:19 GMT
It might be his love language...physical touch is mine as well.  . Although...I tend to give hugs.....hand holding etc is reserved for a relationship with me. I think the physical touching is for his benefit, it soothes him and makes him feel good. I think his real love language is acts of service. After a year of knowing each other and becoming close, he started to do things for me, practical things, to help me so I think that's how he expresses his real affection whereas the touching and kissing holds a different meaning for him (hence he's able to do it with 3 different people at the same time!!). This makes him sound so awful but honestly a year ago when we actually dated he had been in the habit of dating 2 - 4 women simultaneously. I don't believe that was for the benefit for chasing lots of woman but for him it was a barrier method of preventing intimacy with any one person. Over the past year we've talked so much about how unhealthy that is and while he gets annoyed at the time he takes everything on board in terms of what I say and he always listens and acts on it (eventually in his own time). Last night he told me he'd stopped dating all women (this is a major revelation) and he was only going to date one at a time from now on. So this is massive change and progress for him internally as it opens him up to an actual real relationship with someone but obviously the problem is that he doesn't want that person to be me apparently...!!! It doesn't make him sound awful...it makes you however a very tolerant, understanding person and I get why he does not want to lose you. He may yet come to see you in a different light...you are just comfortable, but foreign...so he isn't getting the same signals with you as he does from the other women who he pursues. My ex is a honestly my very best boyfriend even though it was my shortest relationship. I always felt protected and cared for....I just could not keep balanced while he gyrated between calling me awesome and telling me he had doubts. |
|
damascena
New Member
pregnant, alone and deceived.
Posts: 40
|
Post by damascena on Dec 29, 2017 20:13:41 GMT
Yasmin, what are you actually getting from this friendship/relationship? Which of your needs are being met? My Avoidant bf tried something similar in that at one point he said we should just be friends, and his idea of friendship seemed to include physical touch from what I could gather. I told him straight up that I would find a friendship with him too messy and that I wanted a relationship or nothing. He went away to think about it for a few days and then came back ready for a relationship and has dropped all this "friendship" nonsense. He just said, "but we're not getting married yet." And I said, "that's fine." Hi Damascena. Ha ha, that's probably what he'd do if I said that but to be honest I am uncomfortable forcing him into a relationship even if it's done subtly because I want him to choose this for himself and also to feel safe and stable. I might just give it one more shot of hanging out together and if he starts trying to kiss and cuddle me then maybe it's time to say friendship is not going to work and try it out your way. Frankly, it is just total nonsense! I am okay with not touching him and keeping things platonic but he is literally all over me all the time. If two people watched us in the street they'd probably say "aww, that's so sweet" and really no one would believe we weren't lovebirds. It's not even so much sexual as it is just deeply romantic which is kind of worse because it's more emotionally intimate if that makes sense. Although it does get sexual so there's nothing missing there I've dated so many men in my life and this one is up there in the top 3 most affectionate, most loving to me, most full of PDA and the other two I was either engaged to or married to! As for what I get out of it, that's a very good question. It took me so long to get to know this guy because the image he puts across is really nothing like who he really is and when it started to unravel. I didn't like him at first -he's not really my type physically, he's maybe a bit nerdy, he came across as cold and arrogant and it took the longest time for me to see behind that and when I did it felt just a bit magical. This is going to sound like the cheesiest thing ever, but this scene from a crappy sci-fi series sums up exactly how I feel about him: www.youtube.com/watch?v=oi0VnsLqivY In terms of what I actually get though.... well he's a great person, and I get to have him in my life and my life is just better with him in it than without him - even with the chaos! He's super intelligent and we have really amazing conversations about work and he gives great advice and really listens to my problems and tries every time to be practical and help me. He's also incredibly caring towards me and I feel safe and protected by him which is such a nice feeling because I don't feel like he ever has an ulterior motive. He is also incredibly kind and empathetic and I can talk to him about pretty much anything and he always, always wants to listen to me and ask questions and hear what I have to say. I always feel like he's discovering me because he always wants to talk and ask me what I think and what I feel about stuff and if we're watching a show or a move he's always looking at me because he says he feels happy to see that I am enjoying something. He's also so much fun, we just enjoy doing stuff together so much and he's fantastic at coming up with the most fun /amazing / exciting thing ever and inviting me to do it with him so it's like he brings out this spirit of youth in me because he's kind of an eternal kid. He makes me feel like I can do anything, and he sees me with completely different eyes to the way anyone else does. Sometimes he says something and it makes me see myself or the situation in a totally different way like he's holding a mirror up to me. He makes me laugh, smile, feel good. I'd really like not to be so shallow that I needed a romantic commitment from him to be able to appreciate him being in my life, so I hope there's some way to work around it. Of course I want us to be together and I really think we should be but if he genuinely doesn't want that then I'd really like to find a way! I don't suggest saying no to this "friendship" as a way to railroad him into a proper relationship. When I told my bf I only wasn't interested in a messy, affectionate "friendship" and I wanted either a normal relationship or just to be left in peace, I 100% expected him to say no to a relationship and move on. He's the one who decided that he wants a relationship now. I was very surprised. |
|
|
|
Post by yasmin on Dec 29, 2017 20:24:38 GMT
That's a very good way of putting it. I think if I do make that choice it has to really be an authentic one where I really would prefer him out of my life rather than me saying it in the hope that it would have an effect.
|
|
|
|
Post by serene13 on Dec 29, 2017 20:47:57 GMT
That's very interesting and it's a very good point! I did forget that for him physical touch is his easiest way to connect to someone (he says this) so his physical affection fills a need for him and he does probably do this with other people too! It might be his love language...physical touch is mine as well. . Although...I tend to give hugs.....hand holding etc is reserved for a relationship with me. I'm a bit of a touch-y person too - I do it without thinking and I also hug - but what this guy did/does is more extreme - never have experienced or even noticed in any other guy who wasn't in a full-blown romantic relationship. |
|
|
|
Post by yasmin on Dec 29, 2017 21:28:28 GMT
Yes I agree. This experience isn't just touchy feel or affectionate it's more like full-blown passionate lovers who can't stop touching. It's very weird!
|
|
|
|
Post by yasmin on Dec 31, 2017 15:26:26 GMT
After a couple of days of thinking it over, I decided I can't continue with this person anymore.
It's just not supposed to be this difficult.
I let him know I couldn't be friends with him. He was pretty upset.
I really want to focus on sticking with it and hopefully meeting someone new in 2018 who I like as much but who's sure of what he wants.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Dec 31, 2017 15:31:44 GMT
After a couple of days of thinking it over, I decided I can't continue with this person anymore. It's just not supposed to be this difficult. I let him know I couldn't be friends with him. He was pretty upset. I really want to focus on sticking with it and hopefully meeting someone new in 2018 who I like as much but who's sure of what he wants. You sound really settled on your decision Yasmin...that is a great example for those of us who waffle or cling to the hope of change. Wishing you the absolute best for 2018. |
|
|
|
Post by yasmin on Dec 31, 2017 15:37:06 GMT
Thank you.
It's not at all easy but I am certain of my decision. He has to commit to a relationship with me or nothing. Choose me or lose me.
I can't waste any more energy on it f9r my own sake. Life is too short.
|
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Dec 31, 2017 19:04:49 GMT
Hi Yasmin,
I know this is a very hard decision to make, but I admire your strength and am sending support your way.
I was too afraid to rock the boat yesterday so I didn't have the talk with my ex- I may see him later, not sure but I need to have the talk with him the next time I see him. Can't go on like this and even though it may not go well, at least I can say I tried, let go, and hopefully move on.
Sending you lots of peace for the new year.
|
|
|
|
Post by yasmin on Jan 1, 2018 17:10:37 GMT
Thanks Kristyrose. He did contact me as the clock struck midnight on NYE and more or less let me know he hard feelings for me and was miserable. I wasn't expecting that so now I feel pretty stressed. I believe him, but I think it'll just be more of the same  Yes trying very hard. I could feel how hard it was for him. Me leaving brought out his anxiety and I'm conscious that this causes him to feel desperate. I am just not sure what's real or not! |
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Jan 1, 2018 18:44:08 GMT
Oh my that IS difficult!
On the one hand, I'm sure it's nice to hear, but of course, you want it to be real and not just anxiety. Did you respond to him? How are your feelings towards him today?
I asked my ex if he would want to meet up in the evening at some point last night and he said he made plans with his boss so did not think he could make a plan to see me after, which did not make sense because he usually will meet up with me after plans without any issue- I checked in around midnight sending him a happy new year text- he responded in kind, but when I asked if he was back and did he want to meet up, he gave me a very curt response "sorry, tired. prob just calling it."
I did my best to just enjoy my night and not think about it, but it hurt me badly after spending friday evening to saturday evening with him, he was loving, affectionate more than ever and seemed like he wanted to meet up last night. I don't know of course what changed, but it is the pattern so trying my best to just leave him alone for now. It sucks though and I guess for me, I am feeling more distraught than ever because he is both more loving and more cold than ever.
|
|
|
|
Post by yasmin on Jan 1, 2018 23:01:26 GMT
It sounds a bit like he's basically your boyfriend and yet calls you his ex? It's crazy making.
I still don't know what to do. It feels a bit like classic push -pull cycle. I walk away...he's desperate to have me back. If I come back he'll go cold again.
Mary is a great example of a working relationship with a DA because she needs "space" but that need isn't managed in a destructive way. I'd like to think we could have that but it's not as simple as that.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jan 2, 2018 14:41:08 GMT
Hey comeheregoaway..thank you for this...I have a different situation. I am starting to think my ex is an FA who did not get to show his AP side because I am an AP. He wants to remain friends and I don't want to abandon him because I truly care and love him..but my feelings for him are greater than his feelings for me. I am not sure how to walk this tightrope. Any thoughts? Hi tnr9 , Did your ex DA/FA break up with you and want to remain friends? In that case, I would suggest you do not remain friends because you will hurt yourself. Being available for him because you care and love him is a beautiful gesture, but remember he has chosen not to be involved with you anymore, he is an adult and knows what it means. Remaining friends will keep you guys close, with the distance he needs, he will get ready to move on, you wont. Eventually, he will move on, to somebody else, and you will be devastated. Do not give him advice on how to change his attachment style, people do not change because you say so. He needs to want it, and he will only want it when he gets in touch with his pain, which is a very very hard thing to do for a person with an avoidant coping mechanism. Just back off. Take the time to kill the romantic love. Weeks, months or years, whatever it takes. Only then, come back as a friend. When it no longer hurts you to see how he dates his next AP. Thank you for your honest feedback...yes...he broke up with me and yes...I can tell he has already put me in the friend zone. I would never tell him what to do...my messages have always been about encouragement and support. He wants to come back to the singles community at my church where we first met at so I will see him every Sunday and I already know that I will be triggered because I still desire him. I am trying to figure out how best to navigate this because this is the first time I will be interacting with an ex...normally we have gone our separate ways and healing is much easier when you don't see a person week after week. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jan 2, 2018 15:05:47 GMT
tnr9 , I think it will be better if you guys do not see each other regularly for some time. Since he was the one breaking up, you could ask him to find himself another church for some time until you get better and move on. After all, it is about Christ, not about social relations with x or y. If he still refuses to do so, you can find another church. You will always be welcomed. Yes...so here is the thing....I am the leader of the newcomers team for our singles group. I love doing it and have been for over 7 years. When he broke up with me, I did ask him to not come to our singles community...which I did not think was a big deal because he had not been attending while we were dating (I still did). About 4 months after the breakup he started to inquire about coming back. Initially I asked for more time and he reluctantly complied.....after 6 months, he inquired again and I said I wanted to see him just him and me first. Well...that happened right before Thanksgiving and well....we fell into old patterns of hugging, kissing, cuddling and he stayed over....which I admit set me back....but I take responsibility for that since I did not draw a strong enough boundary. So I can't renig at this point...and he has already stated his intentions to come when our group resumes. So it is up to me to "buck up" and deal with this like an adult, regardless of how much my heart will swirl. i am now just trying to figure out how to be around him....as it really looks like my only option is to move towards friendship. |
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Jan 2, 2018 18:41:34 GMT
It sounds a bit like he's basically your boyfriend and yet calls you his ex? It's crazy making. I still don't know what to do. It feels a bit like classic push -pull cycle. I walk away...he's desperate to have me back. If I come back he'll go cold again. Mary is a great example of a working relationship with a DA because she needs "space" but that need isn't managed in a destructive way. I'd like to think we could have that but it's not as simple as that. Yeah it is exactly like that. We hung out yesterday, went to a movie, had dinner, he of course has his arm around me and was so loving and sweet. We were joking with each other, he held me tight before we parted and told me to have a great work week- (I'm just returning to work after being off on medical leave for 4 months). I want to talk to him, but have no idea how to approach him without scaring him. At the same time, our chemistry in undeniable and the past few times we have spent it has been wonderful. Of course, it's awful! I would love to mirror Mary's relationship however my ex first has to even want one with me again, which yes we are already doing but what makes him feel safe right now is the idea that we are not. As for you, I think you should spend some time not talking to your ex so you can spend some time thinking about how you truly feel, and this also allows him some time to perhaps calm the initial anxiety he is feeling from not having you in his life. I did a 40 day NC to see how I'd feel initially and him. You know the story now, so definitely look at mine as a good example, but I think you handle your situation much better than I do by putting down boundaries and sticking with them. Give it some time to breathe before you make any decisions on what to do. I've no doubt he is anxious and conflicted, but you deserve to be wanted for the right reasons. |
|
. Although...I tend to give hugs.....hand holding etc is reserved for a relationship with me.
