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Post by tnr9 on Jan 2, 2018 19:04:24 GMT
It sounds a bit like he's basically your boyfriend and yet calls you his ex? It's crazy making. I still don't know what to do. It feels a bit like classic push -pull cycle. I walk away...he's desperate to have me back. If I come back he'll go cold again. Mary is a great example of a working relationship with a DA because she needs "space" but that need isn't managed in a destructive way. I'd like to think we could have that but it's not as simple as that. Yeah it is exactly like that. We hung out yesterday, went to a movie, had dinner, he of course has his arm around me and was so loving and sweet. We were joking with each other, he held me tight before we parted and told me to have a great work week- (I'm just returning to work after being off on medical leave for 4 months). I want to talk to him, but have no idea how to approach him without scaring him. At the same time, our chemistry in undeniable and the past few times we have spent it has been wonderful. Of course, it's awful! I would love to mirror Mary's relationship however my ex first has to even want one with me again, which yes we are already doing but what makes him feel safe right now is the idea that we are not. As for you, I think you should spend some time not talking to your ex so you can spend some time thinking about how you truly feel, and this also allows him some time to perhaps calm the initial anxiety he is feeling from not having you in his life. I did a 40 day NC to see how I'd feel initially and him. You know the story now, so definitely look at mine as a good example, but I think you handle your situation much better than I do by putting down boundaries and sticking with them. Give it some time to breathe before you make any decisions on what to do. I've no doubt he is anxious and conflicted, but you deserve to be wanted for the right reasons. Since he isn't committing to you...have you considered casually dating other men? I understand you would ideally have a relationship like the one Mary has...but if you currently don't, then I don't see any harm in keeping your options open. I would just hate to see you in a "placeholder" position while he figures things out. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 2, 2018 19:22:20 GMT
Hi tnr9,
I definitely tried casually dating earlier this year and even met a very secure man who wanted to get serious with me. Unfortunately, the more I stopped seeing my ex to get to know this man, the more he pursued and eventually because I still love my ex, I had to break it off with the other man, because it wasn't fair to him that I wasn't on the same page.
I do think dating others is actually a great idea, but my heart is so locked up with my ex, that I want to try and see if we can make things work, and if not, then I need to spend some time grieving.
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Post by yasmin on Jan 2, 2018 20:10:23 GMT
When you really step back and think about that behavior it's unbelievably selfish really! If he doesn't want to be with you, he should get out of the way and let someone else take his place. the thing is I have total empathy for avoidance or any other fears and issues people have from their various lives but you also have a responsibility to think about how other people feel. You deserve to be happy.
I've tossed and turned on this one all day - I am meant to have a date with him tomorrow but I am going to cancel. I don't think this relationship is emotionally healthy for me. I want someone who's "all in" and I am really sad that isn't him but so far it just isn't!!!
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 2, 2018 20:27:39 GMT
Exactly! It is very selfish and I can't help but think he knows this on some level... at the same time, he seems to be confused and I can see how he fights his feelings when we are together. When he lets his guard down, its really lovely to see him so relaxed and happy! I am working on possibly sending an email this time, i recall back in sept 2016 I sent him an email explaining very clearly, sans emotions, my needs and feelings and he really took it to heart and demonstrated some changes at that time. When we talk in person, he feels cornered and reacts badly, only to come back and show me he cares.
I think you should really take some time to think without seeing him. Canceling your date is a good idea, though I know how hard that can be when you want to see the person. However, from what I gather, you are incredibly strong and I think taking a good chunk of time to think, is best for you. Like me, I've noticed you gone back and forth on what to do with your situation on these boards and that tells me you need time for you. If he really wants to be with you, he will wait.
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Post by yasmin on Jan 2, 2018 20:42:08 GMT
You know weirdly I actually don't want to see him right now, so that makes it easier. Relationships don't need to be this complicated. If someone has issues you can work through them but only if you're both in. I can't really summon the energy for investing myself into this situation right now.
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