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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 21, 2018 20:56:55 GMT
They cannot deal with conflict and they feel overwhelmed by their partner. Why come back?
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Post by Jaeger on Jan 21, 2018 23:36:20 GMT
From my observations? Because they attempt to redefine / limit the connection in a way they can cope with, i.e. calling it a friendship but treating it like a relationship, only to abandon it when their partner (or 'friend', in their words) acts upon the implicit message that they ARE in a relationship based on the nature of their contact and the things they do together.
Often it seems to me as if they're testing the waters or have an easy backup, since by this time they will usually have already determined that this person is 'not the one' or not 'compatible' with them and continue fault-finding up to this self-fulfilling prophecy becoming manifest.
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Post by compassionate on Jan 22, 2018 2:26:01 GMT
From my observations? Because they attempt to redefine / limit the connection in a way they can cope with, i.e. calling it a friendship but treating it like a relationship, only to abandon it when their partner (or 'friend', in their words) acts upon the implicit message that they ARE in a relationship based on the nature of their contact and the things they do together. Often it seems to me as if they're testing the waters or have an easy backup, since by this time they will usually have already determined that this person is 'not the one' or not 'compatible' with them and continue fault-finding up to this self-fulfilling prophecy becoming manifest. So well-said!! Exactly what my ex did to his 3 ex gfs! It looks like a pattern |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 22, 2018 3:42:51 GMT
My ex has never gone back...except with his son's mom...and that was 5 years after he broke up with her.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 22, 2018 6:21:03 GMT
From my observations? Because they attempt to redefine / limit the connection in a way they can cope with, i.e. calling it a friendship but treating it like a relationship, only to abandon it when their partner (or 'friend', in their words) acts upon the implicit message that they ARE in a relationship based on the nature of their contact and the things they do together. Often it seems to me as if they're testing the waters or have an easy backup, since by this time they will usually have already determined that this person is 'not the one' or not 'compatible' with them and continue fault-finding up to this self-fulfilling prophecy becoming manifest. Well you said it! This is currently my life right now. We talked more today about how hurt I was and I confronted him on a variety of things he said and we ended up spending the day together. He confessed that he often felt trapped to hang out all weekend and felt afraid to tell me when he wanted to break off on his own, because he was afraid I'd be angry and confront him. He said it was just easier sometimes to hang out. I told him it is HIS responsibility to tell me that, not my job to read his mind. I questioned if he felt this every time, did he not enjoy our time? He got very angry and offended and said of course he did and that it was obvious he enjoys our time. He felt insulted I questioned him. But then he did apologize for not telling me and said that was wrong. So to your second point, he blamed me and nitpicked for not knowing he felt trapped! He wanted to avoid confrontation and I'm sure looked upon me as needy. |
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Post by yasmin on Jan 22, 2018 9:18:16 GMT
From my observations? Because they attempt to redefine / limit the connection in a way they can cope with, i.e. calling it a friendship but treating it like a relationship, only to abandon it when their partner (or 'friend', in their words) acts upon the implicit message that they ARE in a relationship based on the nature of their contact and the things they do together. Often it seems to me as if they're testing the waters or have an easy backup, since by this time they will usually have already determined that this person is 'not the one' or not 'compatible' with them and continue fault-finding up to this self-fulfilling prophecy becoming manifest. Exactly this. They redefine it as a way of continuing being with the person in a package they can handle while searching for "the one". |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 22, 2018 10:43:29 GMT
From my observations? Because they attempt to redefine / limit the connection in a way they can cope with, i.e. calling it a friendship but treating it like a relationship, only to abandon it when their partner (or 'friend', in their words) acts upon the implicit message that they ARE in a relationship based on the nature of their contact and the things they do together. Often it seems to me as if they're testing the waters or have an easy backup, since by this time they will usually have already determined that this person is 'not the one' or not 'compatible' with them and continue fault-finding up to this self-fulfilling prophecy becoming manifest. Exactly this. They redefine it as a way of continuing being with the person in a package they can handle while searching for "the one". Yasmin...I still don't get why someone would keep seeing someone if he/she doesn't think you are the one. Case in point, my ex told me after 3 months that he knew I was not the one...but then went on to date me for 7.5 more months. What was most confusing was after he said that..literally the next day I met his best friend and the day after that I met his parents...so I thought his statement was just a drunken moment of doubt. Now after reading so many similiar stories with "the one" being used...I wonder if "the one" was his safety net...that he could always say...I told you early on that you were not "the one". Which then makes me question whether his statement of "I did not think this would become anything serious but I grew to love you" when he broke up with me wasn't genuine...that he was trying to lessen the blow. |
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Post by yasmin on Jan 22, 2018 12:48:07 GMT
Dating is meant to be a process of assessing if the relationship is right for you. Once you realise it isn't. .. you move on and continue the search.
In these cases they don't move on.
I think this is because they are using "you're not the one" as an excuse not to be fully present. They continue dating you (when they're technically not dating you) because they actually still want to date you. They just want to do it on the understanding that you know it's nothing because you're not "the one".
This gets them off the hook. And they completely believe it too.
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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 22, 2018 13:09:50 GMT
My ex FA/DA never said I wasn't "the one." No matter she has always maintained that she loved me. She broke up with me because she couldn't handle all the arguing. She did want to be friends thinking maybe we would have a better relationship. I'm thinking her thoughts on this were that my expectations would be different and she would feel more freedom. I guess it boils down to they want you,but are scared to put both feet in the water.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 22, 2018 13:32:06 GMT
Dating is meant to be a process of assessing if the relationship is right for you. Once you realise it isn't. .. you move on and continue the search. In these cases they don't move on. I think this is because they are using "you're not the one" as an excuse not to be fully present. They continue dating you (when they're technically not dating you) because they actually still want to date you. They just want to do it on the understanding that you know it's nothing because you're not "the one". This gets them off the hook. And they completely believe it too. Well...that is just sucky....no wonder I never felt that he was fully in it...because he wasn't. Thank you for this because honestly I thought it was that my attachment system was completely faulty and that I had this great guy who I kept getting triggered by for absolutely no reason because he was calling me his gf and shouldn't that have been enough. It also now makes sense regarding the timing of when he broke up with me because his family was starting to itreat me as a longer term prospect...his dad took pictures of me during the Easter lunch, his sister invited us to her place. I think it started to get "real". |
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Post by Jaeger on Jan 22, 2018 14:04:15 GMT
My ex FA/DA never said I wasn't "the one." No matter she has always maintained that she loved me. She broke up with me because she couldn't handle all the arguing. She did want to be friends thinking maybe we would have a better relationship. I'm thinking her thoughts on this were that my expectations would be different and she would feel more freedom. I guess it boils down to they want you,but are scared to put both feet in the water. Saying this usually comes a long time after they first think it, in my experience. |
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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 22, 2018 17:01:19 GMT
She actually says the reason we aren't together is the arguing and that she just can't handle my emotions (or rather her emotions around my emotions). She gets physically Ill for days and weeks after we argue. I am the first person she never had flashbacks with. She said I am different and special. She has major commitment issues. Felt like I am always trying to control her. We have been broken up officially for a month now. I'm very heartbroken.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 22, 2018 18:06:18 GMT
She actually says the reason we aren't together is the arguing and that she just can't handle my emotions (or rather her emotions around my emotions). She gets physically Ill for days and weeks after we argue. I am the first person she never had flashbacks with. She said I am different and special. She has major commitment issues. Felt like I am always trying to control her. We have been broken up officially for a month now. I'm very heartbroken. I was my ex's longest relationship....I was "perfect" in so many ways.....I am starting to think that the words are sometimes softened so that 1. We will stay even though they have issues...why leave someone if he/her calls you special, one of a kind, the best he or her had, perfect in so many ways, you were able to reach him/her in ways that no one else could. That is a very addictive place to be. 2. How can you be angry about the breakup and cut ties, when you meant so much to that person. It also opens the door to hope...after all you were special so there is a good chance at a round 2. I am not trying to say those comments weren't real...I think in the moment they are very real to that person. But if you are so great, then why would she not work on the issues that cause the breakup with you? Arguments do not have to cause a breakup. Being more passionate about someone doesn't have to cause a breakup (that was one of the reasons my ex gave to me). That is what I am trying to get to the root of....I think at the time...those are their thoughts...but it seems like those statements end up ringing empty when they breakup with us. It isn't at all where I want to go...I want to feel "special". I hold on to being the longest girlfriend like it is a Medal of Honor....but I wonder if he will say the exact same things to the next girl. I wonder if this is just a pattern on his side. |
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Post by compassionate on Jan 22, 2018 21:58:10 GMT
She actually says the reason we aren't together is the arguing and that she just can't handle my emotions (or rather her emotions around my emotions). She gets physically Ill for days and weeks after we argue. I am the first person she never had flashbacks with. She said I am different and special. She has major commitment issues. Felt like I am always trying to control her. We have been broken up officially for a month now. I'm very heartbroken. I am experiencing the same thing with my ex bf :”( he said it’s because of the “arguing” that leads to thinking i’m not “the one”. I am having a hard time accepting this because i thought “arguing” constructively is a good way to learn about each other and to resolve things together... plus we rarely argued, more like disagreement about 6 times in 6 months. And I think we don’t wait for “the one” to magically appear; i believe we try to work together to BE the one. Anyway, we broke up a month ago and Im glad i found this forum : ) despite my broken heart, i am trying to tell myself it’s time to focus on self improvement and self care : ) |
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Post by david21 on Jan 24, 2018 0:12:26 GMT
Again, Avoidants come back? News to me!
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