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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2018 0:37:57 GMT
Yasmin, I hope you have the strength to keep the no contact and write him out of your life. I'm very sorry you are so hurt. I hope you know now, without a doubt, he is not a match for you and you can move forward.
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Post by yasmin on Jan 31, 2018 0:50:57 GMT
Yes I think he is definitely NOT a match for me.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2018 0:59:37 GMT
we’re a good match for you right now yasmin ❤️
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Post by yasmin on Jan 31, 2018 1:37:55 GMT
Yes, you guys all are.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2018 1:53:35 GMT
Take care Yasmin!! Lots of support for you!
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 31, 2018 2:15:52 GMT
Yes I think he is definitely NOT a match for me. Yasmin, I just sat down to read through all of this and I am SO SORRY. My god that is painful. I can feel your pain and wish so badly things have turned out different. However, you are such a truly amazing, wonderful person it is truly his loss and something he will surely one day regret. We are all here for you and I know for a fact when you are ready it will take no time for someone to fall head over heels for you! What a lucky bas*tard! In the meantime, one day at a time, deep breaths and sending you lots and lots of love, hugs and support. We are with you. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 31, 2018 14:05:51 GMT
I was in that exact situation recently. A friendship rapidly became a relationship. Overwhelmingly full on. Meeting parents, friends, everything I’d far prefer to do later. We had a huge argument when I stood up for what I thought were my boundaries, that I would not take it any further, she had a real fit, then I went no contact. She contacted me after four weeks. I responded. Nothing had changed in me. I had been consistent all the way through. She knew what the deal was. Every day the line would get thrown out, and if I didn’t respond in her prescribed time, she’d sext. We’re not young people!
The thing is that I have the right to stand up for myself and my wishes, like I never did in my marriage. I won’t be railroaded or manipulated. I won’t have sex used as a tool to control or manipulate me. It’s nice to have intimacy, and the intimacy (as opposed to sex) was quality, but if that’s the cost? No thanks. If that makes me avoidant, which it does, then I’ll live with that.
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Post by yasmin on Jan 31, 2018 19:53:56 GMT
I was in that exact situation recently. A friendship rapidly became a relationship. Overwhelmingly full on. Meeting parents, friends, everything I’d far prefer to do later. We had a huge argument when I stood up for what I thought were my boundaries, that I would not take it any further, she had a real fit, then I went no contact. She contacted me after four weeks. I responded. Nothing had changed in me. I had been consistent all the way through. She knew what the deal was. Every day the line would get thrown out, and if I didn’t respond in her prescribed time, she’d sext. We’re not young people! The thing is that I have the right to stand up for myself and my wishes, like I never did in my marriage. I won’t be railroaded or manipulated. I won’t have sex used as a tool to control or manipulate me. It’s nice to have intimacy, and the intimacy (as opposed to sex) was quality, but if that’s the cost? No thanks. If that makes me avoidant, which it does, then I’ll live with that. Hi MrRob. I'm not sure I'm understanding what you're saying. Are you basically saying she should have just accepted that you didn't want a relationship and taken it or left it? |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2018 20:55:27 GMT
I was in that exact situation recently. A friendship rapidly became a relationship. Overwhelmingly full on. Meeting parents, friends, everything I’d far prefer to do later. We had a huge argument when I stood up for what I thought were my boundaries, that I would not take it any further, she had a real fit, then I went no contact. She contacted me after four weeks. I responded. Nothing had changed in me. I had been consistent all the way through. She knew what the deal was. Every day the line would get thrown out, and if I didn’t respond in her prescribed time, she’d sext. We’re not young people! The thing is that I have the right to stand up for myself and my wishes, like I never did in my marriage. I won’t be railroaded or manipulated. I won’t have sex used as a tool to control or manipulate me. It’s nice to have intimacy, and the intimacy (as opposed to sex) was quality, but if that’s the cost? No thanks. If that makes me avoidant, which it does, then I’ll live with that. If someone knows what my boundaries are, but ignores it and keeps pushing, what else can you do? I have been on that merry go round too. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 31, 2018 21:44:35 GMT
That’s exactly what I’m saying, Yasmin.
In my case, my cards were on the table. Next thing you know, I was doing all these couple things at her invitation and she complained that I’m not doing more of what she wants, which was coupledom, not friends.
I reserve the right to make the decisions in my life now, and will not be driven, pushed or used by anyone else for their own ends.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2018 22:14:43 GMT
I was in that exact situation recently. A friendship rapidly became a relationship. Overwhelmingly full on. Meeting parents, friends, everything I’d far prefer to do later. We had a huge argument when I stood up for what I thought were my boundaries, that I would not take it any further, she had a real fit, then I went no contact. She contacted me after four weeks. I responded. Nothing had changed in me. I had been consistent all the way through. She knew what the deal was. Every day the line would get thrown out, and if I didn’t respond in her prescribed time, she’d sext. We’re not young people! The thing is that I have the right to stand up for myself and my wishes, like I never did in my marriage. I won’t be railroaded or manipulated. I won’t have sex used as a tool to control or manipulate me. It’s nice to have intimacy, and the intimacy (as opposed to sex) was quality, but if that’s the cost? No thanks. If that makes me avoidant, which it does, then I’ll live with that. Hi MrRob. I'm not sure I'm understanding what you're saying. Are you basically saying she should have just accepted that you didn't want a relationship and taken it or left it? What am I missing here? Shouldn't this always be the case? |
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Post by yasmin on Feb 1, 2018 0:11:08 GMT
Yes it should be the case, but that each person is able to draw conclusions on the nature of the relationship and BOTH parties boundaries are respected. The distinction is whether or not what you're saying is what you're actually also doing.
For example:
Perfectly healthy behavior to tell someone you want to be friends if that involves no romantic contact, activities and relations which would be accepted as platonic.
Perfectly healthy to tell someone you want to be friends with benefits, if that involves sex, intimacy but no commitment or meeting the family
Perfectly healthy to say you want to date if that involves romantic activities, intimacy etc. with a possible future.
Sometimes though, words and labels don't accurately describe what is actually happening, which I don't think is a case of someone trying to force you to give something you don't want to give - but more them being upset that you won't acknowledge reality. I don't think the feelings of a person are an island, they draw on the actions and words of other people.
For example Kristys boyfriend who called her a "friend" but behaved in every possible way as if he was in a relationship with her is quite painful behavior, if he wants to be friends he should say that, if he wants to be friends with benefits he should say that, if he wants to date her he should say that, etc. etc.
In other words I am just saying I don't think using a word describes the significance and quality and actual meaning of the relationship better than the reality does (ie: the nature of the contact and the things you do together). This is what makes it “messy”, I think because people don’t develop romantic feelings for someone because they have a label of "dating". They develop romantic feelings for someone because they are acting and connecting in the ways people do during romantic connections and it's quite painful to confuse other people by calling something "friends" if that's not what it is.
People should be really clear on these things and if FWB is what they want they have a responsibility to find a partner who is happy with that also - of which I am sure there are many to find.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2018 0:18:55 GMT
yasmin, I get that most of us are trying to obtain clarity here, but our DAs probably think more like mrob. I am wondering why I didn't listen - he said clearly "long-distance relationship, meeting once every 2 weeks, no marriage." I broke up, he came back, I took him back, rinse repeat. It was I who thought "....but he clearly liked me, he said he would take me traveling to see Peru and Egypt, etc...  ". It's me doing the "rounding" work to convince myself it meant something, like how we can read this: "It deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe." Try to meet more potential dates - that has been a great help to me in forgeting exDA. I'm going to meet someone who seems nice this Saturday.  He has texted me everyday with friendly "Hellos...!" and will be driving 4.5 hours to my city. I don't know if it might work out, but it has helped tremendously. He seems so...Available! How alien!  He isn't as accomplished as exDA but I think we will enjoy our date at the very least - he seems normal, no red flags....yet!  |
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Post by yasmin on Feb 1, 2018 0:24:00 GMT
That’s exactly what I’m saying, Yasmin. In my case, my cards were on the table. Next thing you know, I was doing all these couple things at her invitation and she complained that I’m not doing more of what she wants, which was coupledom, not friends. I reserve the right to make the decisions in my life now, and will not be driven, pushed or used by anyone else for their own ends. I appreciate in this situation you were clear with this woman what you meant (provided she understood and accepted your definition included sex and intimacy) but this was not the case with my FA. When we first met, the first question I asked him was what he wanted and he said "A Relationship". We had a loooong conversation about how I didn't offer casual sex on day one. I don't date anyone who doesn't answer that and people need to know their own needs and communicate them. It sounds like you did that, but not the case for me. He then spend almost the past 14 months really trying to railroad and manipulate me, not the other way around. I've stated my boundaries over and over again that if there's no relationship, there's no sex but he has persistently tried for sex almost every time I see him. If he wants to be friends, he has to keep his hands off me - that's my boundary and definition of "friends" and his definition is really a hybrid where he shoplifts intimacy that (to me) is sacred to a romantic situation. He doesn't want to adhere to my boundaries because he wants to have the intimacy without the relationship and he doesn't much care about what I want. This leaves me having to walk away completely. My mistake is to have continued seeing and speaking to him, but I definitely never tried to manipulate him. I just told him he could take it or leave it and he didn't want to leave it - he wanted to hound me into giving him what he wants. So I don't think it's the same situation, but maybe he did feel a lot like you did!!! I think he also shares some of the same views and desires but is maybe not as adult about being able to admit to them or even understand them. I think, very much unlike you, he is FA and desperately seeking love and then rejecting it. so he doesn't think he can't do coupledom, he just keeps thinking no one is good enough but convincing every woman it's what he wants. It's a far more manipulative kind of scenario because he is sucking people into his dysfunction unwittingly instead of saying "Hi. I like to have multiple women in my life and I am not good at intimacy and can't handle commitment right now". this isn't what he says, what he says is he really wants a proper girlfriend but just can't find the right woman (47 years later) |
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Post by mrob on Feb 1, 2018 0:26:50 GMT
Seemingly posting at the same time. Men try for sex regardless. That’s a fact of life. You hold the power in that department.
Is seeking new dates really the solution?
I know that I will never work on this stuff if I’m involved in an intimate relationship. I’ll go round and round as I’ve done before. So even though I’m not sure I’m even at step 1, this is the opportunity to work on myself.
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".
He has texted me everyday with friendly "Hellos...!" and will be driving 4.5 hours to my city. I don't know if it might work out, but it has helped tremendously. He seems so...Available! How alien! 
