Can you please help me to find the right way forward?

They should make a word for an in between, lol.  Or maybe I just don't know what it is.  I agree!  You do have to date someone that is on the same page or close.  I actually think , apart from any attachment issues, this happens a lot between men and women.  I could be wrong, but I think men in general take longer to get to exclusivity than women.  I have been told many times that "I think like a man". 

Yes. Same for me. I don't care about labels! Unless they're used as a way of having sex with other people and not a dressing that this is painful.

Ha ha.

I am FA and I know it's very hard for me to trust and feel comfortable in a new relationship. If I'm exclusive it makes me not anxious and I am a nicer person. I don't want a situation that will trigger me to be unhappy and bring out a clingy person because that's not me.

I'm fairness from the day I met this guy our first conversation I said this so I do know my own needs and express them.

We should really have never dated at all!

There are two people in any relationship, so two slants on reality. I told her that I was unable to give her what she wanted, which triggered the push/pull. I’d move away, she’d chase me, and all of the things spoken about here.

AI felt guilty that I couldn’t give her what she wanted, she’d say that wasn’t true, then wed see each other for a while, then we’d end up in an argument that I was doing one thing and saying another as in this thread. Over and over. I’ve gone NC now. It’s just not fair to either of us.
I would hate to think she is holding a torch for me like some here. That is cruel.

I have been telling him he can't have what he wants from me, and he's not able to accept it and move on.  He is the one who chases me and always has.  Situations aren't always the exact same, and it sounds like she is more AP.  Remember I'm not anxious...if someone says they don't want to see me the last thing I am going to do is try and get into contact.  I'll cut them off like they're dead.

I appreciate that you're telling it like it is, the hard truth. I don't know why but what you wrote seem to echo exDA I dated, even though he didn't say these same words to me. I feel like what you wrote reflects his thinking.

So truthfully, are you in it with this former gf for the sex? What if she had refused? You would have moved on? Do you hope to meet another DA who only wants sex and nothing else? Is this the ideal for you?

Apologies in advance for so many questions. And thank you for shedding a light onto this.

After reading mrob's replies, it does struck me that I might have projected onto my exDA many qualities, akin to "filling" in the blanks according to my wishful thinking, even though it "seems" clear to me whatever he was hinting strongly at, especially at a future together, talk about traveling together, him moving to my city, etc. Yes, he said all these things, but what did he actually do? He didn't do any of it. He likely got cold feet just thinking about doing all these things, it probably made him feel suffocated.

Unless it really, actually happened, we just have to take it with a large pinch of salt.

We can give it labels like "future faking", but to him it might be a very different reality, he's just rolling some ideas around, what he thinks I want to hear to keep me, etc., nothing is concrete, none of it what he truly wants, deep inside.

The only certainties are their actions. That's where we need to see not just the actions we want to see, eg their desire for us physically, but also their actions at distancing, in your case, infidelity, friendship label, etc. I have ignored the loud and clear message that he only wants a periodic "relationship", with little communication, plenty of distance, and no certainty. I've been placing my faith in his obvious lust, his appreciation of my intelligence, that we are a great match, his apparent happiness when he is with me, he hasn't found anyone he is as attracted to, etc. Yes, the messages contradict and co-exist, it is time that I recognize the former is equally or stronger than the latter.

In the end, no matter how smitten they are by our physical and spiritual qualities, I now feel that it is completely replaceable by other experiences in their lives.

My exDA can encounter another attractive woman and feel exactly the same pull. Ideally for him, she wants the same thing, a purely sexual relationship on his schedule.

They are driven by a strong physical need that is undeniable, but not by a need for connection or intimacy. We're the opposite.

I think if you can push this to a genuine friendzone, the outcome may be better. This is what I think I should do too, though we are now NC and might be for the foreseeable future.

I've friendzoned many others before due to qualities that make it impossible for me to fall in love with them...it isn't so difficult once I let this unsuitable side of exDA truly sink in and psyche myself. What's holding me back is the me that wants someone like my exDA, but without the DA style. It's simply wishful thinking and unrealistic. What's more realistic is to accept that he IS DA, this is what he needs, what he can offer despite the contradictory messages, and it's not for me.

What I'm finding is that there's still a lot in my life I would like to achieve, eg putting more focus back into building my career, my children's adolescence, and getting to know more people, especially learning about types of men, how to spot red flags and build good boundaries with people, developing to become less introverted and socially awkward. There's a lot to do.