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Post by kristyrose on Jan 30, 2018 17:40:47 GMT
Hi Mary, We broke up in April 2017- reconnected about 2 months later and went exactly back to how we were: dates, sex, monogamous, talk daily- spend weekends at each others houses. I was very happy until I asked that we just call a spade a spade and he refused, then said he would like to date others. That is were the confusion and heartache begin- his denouncing reality. Unfortunately, I think there are 2 realities at work here, yours and his. Did he say you were his girlfriend prior to the breakup in April? Yes. We were a couple for 2 years prior. After he broke up me saying we fight too much as the main reason. I was crushed, so afterwards I went NC for about a month and a half. During that time he sent me texts, emails and a card for my bday but I was trying to heal so I ignored him. Finally he sent a long text telling me how hard the break up was for him, how he is not a monster, has feelings too etc. I felt bad so ended up going to his house and we talked and slept together. Of course even at that time there was no talk of getting back together, just an acknowledgement on both sides of still have feelings. We decided to take it day by day. Soon after we saw each other almost every day, it was even better in some ways before we broke up- and then back to hanging on the weekends, I gave him a key, he bought me a new toothbrush for his place. We went to a party together, we went away over the summer. Everyone thought we were getting back together. However, and I will be real, he would occasionally declare that we are not a couple and sometimes that he needed space. So I would back off but in a day or 2 he would be right back at my place. Another time he said he wanted us both not to expect to hang out so much and that while he wasn't drawing a line in the sand, we should both try to move on more. I asked if we could have a face to face talk, he refused, so we didn't speak for 2 weeks. Then, one night he texts and is at my door and we have the most romantic evening we probably ever had in our whole 2 years together. then, back to spending a lot of time together, until I decided I needed to really figure out how he feels. Because every time I take a little space, he texts nonstop and when he asks for "a break from hanging out"- its literally only a matter of days and he's asking to hang out again. He has always been very adverse to commitment and when we were together it took him a year to call me his girlfriend. His average relationship is 6 months. He has told me commitment issues are usually the reason his relationships end. He told me this about 6 months in, but we still dated and eventually he met my family and even moved some of his stuff in. So, I guess what I'm saying is, I always chose to believe his actions more than his words. And in this case, I chose to base my reality on his actions. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 30, 2018 18:40:20 GMT
I'm just gonna say it: I feel like a complete F-in idiot today.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 18:49:19 GMT
I'm just gonna say it: I feel like a complete F-in idiot today. i have felt like that recently when i looked back at some things. Breathe. I got blindsided by some things that really hurt, and i am giving myself grace. I did the best i could, i can honestly say that. what i couldn’t see then, i see now, and i don’t want to beat myself up. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 30, 2018 18:53:15 GMT
I guess I'm seeing that i chose to believe something that wasn't real.
I don't know, I feel crazy. I know how I felt when we were together I saw how he felt- I don't know why he kept coming back if it was bad with me?!
I'm sorry but today I'm not quite in as good of a place my friend. :-(
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 19:00:12 GMT
I guess I'm seeing that i chose to believe something that wasn't real. I don't know, I feel crazy. I know how I felt when we were together I saw how he felt- I don't know why he kept coming back if it was bad with me?! I'm sorry but today I'm not quite in as good of a place my friend. :-( i get it. i’m sorry  i too believed some things that were very convincing. apparently it wasn’t “bad” with me, my ex just cannot commit to consistency. if i could have ridden his waves he would be happy as a clam. Your ex has his own issues that make him a danger to hearts around him, and i am sorry you got hurt. its so sobering, all of it. the pain and awakening to what is, is very sobering. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 30, 2018 19:06:20 GMT
Indeed.
my ex never said it was bad, he just minimized it when we talked. Denied reaching out to me as much as he did and made me feel like i dreamt the whole thing up. I told him he was devaluing me and us- he denied that and apologized at the same time. Then said he wasn't always reaching out, but he did. i have text proof- good thing i saved them- but none of it matters, i know.
i believe he feels deeply for me, but also feels trapped and smothered in a relationship with me. So, he got the spoils for 9 months until I burst the bubble, now he's off to find the "perfect" woman. I think he has always been seeking that.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 19:17:50 GMT
Indeed. my ex never said it was bad, he just minimized it when we talked. Denied reaching out to me as much as he did and made me feel like i dreamt the whole thing up. I told him he was devaluing me and us- he denied that and apologized at the same time. Then said he wasn't always reaching out, but he did. i have text proof- good thing i saved them- but none of it matters, i know. i believe he feels deeply for me, but also feels trapped and smothered in a relationship with me. So, he got the spoils for 9 months until I burst the bubble, now he's off to find the "perfect" woman. I think he has always been seeking that. i’m so sorry. my ex minimizes his actions in the relationship also and the incongruency between actions and words was painful for me as well. I got blindsided by things also. I’m sorry about this phase of the grief process. When the fog lifts and you see things in the light of day, it’s painful. all leading to eventual acceptance but it’s a process. big hugs. |
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Post by madamebovary on Jan 30, 2018 19:20:01 GMT
I guess I'm seeing that i chose to believe something that wasn't real. I don't know, I feel crazy. I know how I felt when we were together I saw how he felt- I don't know why he kept coming back if it was bad with me?! I'm sorry but today I'm not quite in as good of a place my friend. :-( KristyRose, this was the hardest thing for me, trying to trust your own feelings afterward. Not feeling crazy. There was one time in particular, early on with an ex (who is also Avoidant) where things were going so well and we seemed to be headed towards something more serious and we were both saying love... everything was fantastic. Then he went MIA and eventually we just broke up. Later, after we were friendly and I was dating again, I asked him point blank “Did you ever really love me, because it FELT like love to me, and then you just bolted... and I’m very confused. I don’t know how I’m supposed to trust my feelings with other men if I really thought we were in love and all along we weren’t.” He took a few days to answer and eventually said “it was love, I did love you, I was just scared and didn’t know how to deal with it.” It sucked, but at least I knew that what I was feeling was right. I could trust my feelings, even if I couldn’t trust him. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 22:46:11 GMT
I guess I'm seeing that i chose to believe something that wasn't real. I don't know, I feel crazy. I know how I felt when we were together I saw how he felt- I don't know why he kept coming back if it was bad with me?! I'm sorry but today I'm not quite in as good of a place my friend. :-( I'm so sorry, especially if my question lead to you feeling bad. I too have chosen to believe things in relationships that I shouldn't have. I was in denial that I was being verbally abused daily. I thought I was just "avoidant", so I rationalized my pullbacks as just being my avoidant self. The reality is I should never have let it happen. We live, learn and grow from it. I think he is attached to you, and was having a very hard time letting go after the breakup as you were. He was soothing his pain of detaching by his contact with you, but with no real intentions of getting back together. His words and actions didn't match, which is oh so confusing and always a cause for concern. This is what it looks like to me and I am not saying it to hurt you. I'm not saying I am even right, but I am saying it because I care. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 31, 2018 2:12:18 GMT
I guess I'm seeing that i chose to believe something that wasn't real. I don't know, I feel crazy. I know how I felt when we were together I saw how he felt- I don't know why he kept coming back if it was bad with me?! I'm sorry but today I'm not quite in as good of a place my friend. :-( I'm so sorry, especially if my question lead to you feeling bad. I too have chosen to believe things in relationships that I shouldn't have. I was in denial that I was being verbally abused daily. I thought I was just "avoidant", so I rationalized my pullbacks as just being my avoidant self. The reality is I should never have let it happen. We live, learn and grow from it. I think he is attached to you, and was having a very hard time letting go after the breakup as you were. He was soothing his pain of detaching by his contact with you, but with no real intentions of getting back together. His words and actions didn't match, which is oh so confusing and always a cause for concern. This is what it looks like to me and I am not saying it to hurt you. I'm not saying I am even right, but I am saying it because I care. Hi Mary, It's ok. your question didn't make me feel bad, I already was feeling this way when I woke up. I still have not heard from him and I know in part its because I sent him a very honest and direct email about my feelings, my experience and that I cannot be in his life if he is seeing others. That is the first and last boundary I have ever set with him, so of course he doesn't know what to do about it. No matter. It is time to face the painful truth. I think he is always in search of the perfect person for him, initially I was it until he realized I have flaws and cannot do everything his way. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2018 2:33:55 GMT
Kristyrose, you’re right that they’re always searching for some ideal woman who has everything except emotional needs. This way they can have a partner without actually doing any real work. I’ve pointed the same out to my DA that I always feel pressured with him because things can only be his way, but unfortunately I cannot be. we might be annoying APs but we aren’t bad or annoying people. Can’t pick and choose parts of us to be with and ignore the rest of it!
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 31, 2018 2:40:57 GMT
Kristyrose, you’re right that they’re always searching for some ideal woman who has everything except emotional needs. This way they can have a partner without actually doing any real work. I’ve pointed the same out to my DA that I always feel pressured with him because things can only be his way, but unfortunately I cannot be. we might be annoying APs but we aren’t bad or annoying people. Can’t pick and choose parts of us to be with and ignore the rest of it! Indeed. I was holding back my urges to text, I allowed him to not spend as much time with my friends, we mostly hung out alone and then with his friends whom now I have built stronger relationships with than him! I pushed so much of who I am aside, not just the AP stuff, most of what I needed in the hopes he would see that I can be what he wanted and accept me as well. That was my first mistake of many. I still do not think he is a bad guy at all- however, he said he knew that I wanted more so why keep me around an additional 9 months just to reject me? THAT is a pill I'm having trouble swallowing. But, again, I can only take responsibility for my part and continue to heal so that I do not allow this to happen again. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2018 2:53:02 GMT
I'm so sorry, especially if my question lead to you feeling bad. I too have chosen to believe things in relationships that I shouldn't have. I was in denial that I was being verbally abused daily. I thought I was just "avoidant", so I rationalized my pullbacks as just being my avoidant self. The reality is I should never have let it happen. We live, learn and grow from it. I think he is attached to you, and was having a very hard time letting go after the breakup as you were. He was soothing his pain of detaching by his contact with you, but with no real intentions of getting back together. His words and actions didn't match, which is oh so confusing and always a cause for concern. This is what it looks like to me and I am not saying it to hurt you. I'm not saying I am even right, but I am saying it because I care. Hi Mary, It's ok. your question didn't make me feel bad, I already was feeling this way when I woke up. I still have not heard from him and I know in part its because I sent him a very honest and direct email about my feelings, my experience and that I cannot be in his life if he is seeing others. That is the first and last boundary I have ever set with him, so of course he doesn't know what to do about it. No matter. It is time to face the painful truth. I think he is always in search of the perfect person for him, initially I was it until he realized I have flaws and cannot do everything his way. I really hope you can break the tie with him and move on. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2018 2:54:33 GMT
i’ve tried to morph for someone else before too. It just doesn’t work but this is how you find out and learn to really stand behind who you are, your authentic self.
this situation brought you back to yourself. it’s going to take time to heal but you will come out more whole than you went in.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 31, 2018 2:54:48 GMT
I really hope you can break the tie with him and move on. Me too. It's a blessing, his silence, but i can only rely on that so much, the rest is really up to me. thank you again, I do know you care and I don't take ur words harshly, i think acknowledging my truth is whats harsh and something i cannot keep ignoring. |
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