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Post by kristyrose on Jan 28, 2018 0:58:57 GMT
Hi everyone,
In trying to work through my pain after my ex stated he doesn't want to be with me, however, no matter how many times he pushes me away, he keeps coming back. He dumped me after 2 years, then pursued me relentlessly 2 months after; so we started dating again for the past 9 months.
He insists we are just friends and claims he will do whatever it takes to keep me in his life. But still refuses to be a couple again, despite acting like it.
He isn't friends with other ex's and I'm his longest relationship so I wonder- why can't he just let me go? I am starting to finally accept we won't be a couple, but my mind and heart do not understand why he keeps coming back.
I wonder if our relationship was just too intense, too close for him so he'd rather have me as a non threatening person in his life? Is it possible he is unaware of his deeper feelings, because he keeps acting out like showing up at my place after time apart acting anxious and in love, but when I bring it up, he denies it!
I know there are so many other dynamics to a person, just wonder if any FA's have experienced this?
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Post by yasmin on Jan 28, 2018 1:52:41 GMT
I can't pretend to understand what goes on in his head (you know I am in the same boat as you) but I think the reason why people do something is "because they want to". Sometimes there are strong psychological reasons for wanting to do something, but the answer is still the same.
He wants to come back and keep chasing after you because he wants to have you and doesn't want to lose you.
He doesn't want to be in a couple or in a relationship though.
So what he wants is really "his cake and eat it". Like choosing from a menu the things you want (I'll take affection and attention and emotional support and sex and kisses and dates please) and leave the things you don't want.
It's a childish idea he has that this is sustainable, or at least not a realistic idea anyway.
I don't think anyone (whatever their attachment style) hangs out with you over nine months regularly and does date-like stuff if they don't like you / want you / enjoy you / desire you and want to be around you. So when you go, you are taking away what he wants.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 28, 2018 17:54:39 GMT
Hi Yasmin,
I agree that people inherently do certain things like this because they simply want to. Thank you for that feedback, I often look for a deeper meaning but sometimes it can be very simple.
I still can't understand why he is so insistent on being friends, he even said he is OK not being physical if it means we can stay in each others lives.
In other news, I drank way too much and drunk texted him asking to hang out- then went home passed out and woke up 3 hrs later to ask him if he was done talking to me for good-
oops!
I definitely regret that, but I'm not going to beat myself up. I haven't heard from him since our argument Thursday, so he's reverted back to his classic stonewalling.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 28, 2018 18:26:16 GMT
Eh, don't regret it! I have drunk texted people too. It's part of life. Laugh it up and move forward  |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 28, 2018 18:37:30 GMT
thanks Mary! haha! I actually looked at the texts and laughed and thought, oh well! I can't keep track of all the times he's done that to me as well, so who cares?!
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Post by yasmin on Jan 29, 2018 1:26:33 GMT
I think he wants to be your friend because he likes you (maybe loves you). Again a simple answer but probably true. He might also want to be your friend because his definition of friend is basically girlfriend without the label but either way he just wants you in his life. Mine is the same. He can't stand life without me in it, but still not enough to commit  )) It's very tough. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 29, 2018 4:25:54 GMT
Hi Yasmin,
Geez you and I are in almost identical situations. Though I must say, yours does seem to be able to talk and hear some things out, my guy is at a point where he absolutely refuses. It makes me sad because I can see how he struggles especially since I see how much my own struggles affect me.
I love him so much, but, now that he is stonewalling me, nothing since the show, I am finding a teeny tiny bit of relief in the silence. Been spending time with a group of great friends, sleeping in and hugging my dog. I cried some more today and expect to do so tomorrow, but that's ok.
this forum educates me and gives me strength. I hope you are doing well this evening, I send you another big hug.
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Post by yasmin on Jan 29, 2018 11:03:45 GMT
I honestly believe Kristyrose that if I was actually having sex with my FA for this past year, that he would not be so emotionally close and open with me. I believe strongly that he can have a mental / emotional connection with me that's very deep OR he can have a strong sexual connection with me but not both at the same time without this activating his avoidance.
When we were actually dating, he was extremely avoidant like a different person. He didn't plan activities or fun dates with me, he was kind of tough to make plans with and usually ended up just movies and sex. He honestly only had superficial "how was your day" text conversations with me and revealed nothing of his real self to me. He kept me completely separate from his friends and family and life. He never told me what he was doing or what his plans were. Our only intimacy was sexual. If I wanted to see him more than once a week he completely freaked out. I remember us having our third date on a Friday and me asking him if he wanted to go to dinner on the following Tuesday and him saying "this is a big escalation!!!". If I tried to have proper conversation with him he was passive aggressive and stonewalled me. It felt like trying to have a relationship with a rock and yet at the same time he actually seemed desperate not to lose me.
Since we were just friends (as you know there's no sex but there is physical intimacy all the time) he acts much more like my boyfriend. He calls me every day and talks to me about everything. He's completely attached to me. He plans amazing things for us to do together and wants to go on various vacations. He told his family about me and openly tells me his every move. He never freaks out, and I can get as emotional or demanding or anxious as I like and he reassures. So basically me NOT being his girlfriend moved his attachment style from FA to secure with ME.
Maybe this is because he is securely attached to friends and insecurely attached to romantic partners. This is the case for me.
To be honest, I feel much more like his girlfriend since I am not his girlfriend than I did when I actually was his girlfriend!!! Maybe this is why he wants the friendship and acts so attached to me because within the word "friends" he is able, emotionally, to truly be present and to allow himself to love and care for me without the fear getting in the way.
As you know, we've been more or less "exclusive" up until now but he recently "took a lover" and in his head I HONESTLY 100% believe he sees this is a logical and great solution to the problem. He gets to have sex with her and love with me. I don't think he wants his cake and eat it, I think this is currently what he is actually capable of.
I had a conversation with him last night about the lover and it went like this...
ME: I don't like it, I want you to get rid of her
HIM: oh, ok
ME: it puts a barrier between us with you having sex with someone else
HIM: I really don't see or speak to her very much
And in his head he's basically thinking this idea works. Maybe it actually DOES work because it's the only way he can relate to others unless he gets some serious help. He is massively avoidant, even compared to some of the people on here who are self-confessed avoidants they have at least been able to have loving relationships with a partner and he has never been able to do that ever. He's literally only had friends with benefits and never been in love in his life. I think he's in love with me, but has no clue what to do with it.
So maybe the thing with your ex is that he is the same, and he wants "friends" because this is a package he can handle. A package where he gets to love you / keep you without his fear and ambivalence being prevalent, but the problem of course is that this is no way for us to live.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 29, 2018 21:51:51 GMT
I would like to respond further on this, have an appt now-
but I will say, my ex wants to now date others, so for me that feels like he doesnt really love me deep down. I mean, he hasn't dated anyone these past 9 months and he is a very monogamous person, so I know once he does meet someone he likes, I'm pretty positive I will cease to exist in his life.
Thats what makes this so entirely confusing- how he can act as he has, but now want someone to take my place.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 1:26:58 GMT
Honestly, I don't know how you keep hanging out with these guys. This might make me sound like an a-hole (what else is new ha) but how do you have a limbo pseudo relationship and no sex??!! and for 9 months?? AND you don't even sound happy being in it. I don't understand.
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Post by madamebovary on Jan 30, 2018 1:35:13 GMT
Honestly, I don't know how you keep hanging out with these guys. This might make me sound like an a-hole (what else is new ha) but how do you have a limbo pseudo relationship and no sex??!! and for 9 months?? AND you don't even sound happy being in it. I don't understand. I assume KristyRose is an AP? Or has AP tendencies? That’s how! No offense to my fellow APs. I’m not making light, that’s just how we are. And for many of us, we aren’t even really aware we’re doing it until it’s too late. It’s something we’re familiar with, usually from growing up, so it’s the way love seems normal to us. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 30, 2018 3:09:23 GMT
Honestly, I don't know how you keep hanging out with these guys. This might make me sound like an a-hole (what else is new ha) but how do you have a limbo pseudo relationship and no sex??!! and for 9 months?? AND you don't even sound happy being in it. I don't understand. Hi Mary, We broke up in April 2017- reconnected about 2 months later and went exactly back to how we were: dates, sex, monogamous, talk daily- spend weekends at each others houses. I was very happy until I asked that we just call a spade a spade and he refused, then said he would like to date others. That is were the confusion and heartache begin- his denouncing reality. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 30, 2018 3:10:07 GMT
Honestly, I don't know how you keep hanging out with these guys. This might make me sound like an a-hole (what else is new ha) but how do you have a limbo pseudo relationship and no sex??!! and for 9 months?? AND you don't even sound happy being in it. I don't understand. I assume KristyRose is an AP? Or has AP tendencies? That’s how! No offense to my fellow APs. I’m not making light, that’s just how we are. And for many of us, we aren’t even really aware we’re doing it until it’s too late. It’s something we’re familiar with, usually from growing up, so it’s the way love seems normal to us. Yes. I am AP moving towards secure. Been in therapy for 6 years and EMDR for the past year to address abuse and neglect during childhood. |
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Post by yasmin on Jan 30, 2018 12:15:56 GMT
Honestly, I don't know how you keep hanging out with these guys. This might make me sound like an a-hole (what else is new ha) but how do you have a limbo pseudo relationship and no sex??!! and for 9 months?? AND you don't even sound happy being in it. I don't understand. Ha ha, so right. I am done with mine. And I regret having bothered now. It is difficult once you get caught in an emotional trap when you feel you are on the precipice of happiness but with it always just ever so slightly out of reach. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2018 14:16:07 GMT
Honestly, I don't know how you keep hanging out with these guys. This might make me sound like an a-hole (what else is new ha) but how do you have a limbo pseudo relationship and no sex??!! and for 9 months?? AND you don't even sound happy being in it. I don't understand. Hi Mary, We broke up in April 2017- reconnected about 2 months later and went exactly back to how we were: dates, sex, monogamous, talk daily- spend weekends at each others houses. I was very happy until I asked that we just call a spade a spade and he refused, then said he would like to date others. That is were the confusion and heartache begin- his denouncing reality. Unfortunately, I think there are 2 realities at work here, yours and his. Did he say you were his girlfriend prior to the breakup in April? |
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