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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2018 2:56:30 GMT
Kristyrose, you’re right that they’re always searching for some ideal woman who has everything except emotional needs. This way they can have a partner without actually doing any real work. I’ve pointed the same out to my DA that I always feel pressured with him because things can only be his way, but unfortunately I cannot be. we might be annoying APs but we aren’t bad or annoying people. Can’t pick and choose parts of us to be with and ignore the rest of it! Indeed. I was holding back my urges to text, I allowed him to not spend as much time with my friends, we mostly hung out alone and then with his friends whom now I have built stronger relationships with than him! I pushed so much of who I am aside, not just the AP stuff, most of what I needed in the hopes he would see that I can be what he wanted and accept me as well. That was my first mistake of many. I still do not think he is a bad guy at all- however, he said he knew that I wanted more so why keep me around an additional 9 months just to reject me? THAT is a pill I'm having trouble swallowing. But, again, I can only take responsibility for my part and continue to heal so that I do not allow this to happen again. Yea.. I completely understand the part about pushing aside who you are, not just the AP stuff, just to see if it’ll work. Well, see the issue with their non committal attitude is that they KNOW you want more, but they will tell you that they never promised they’ll give it to you. You stayed in the relationship willingly and waited - that is your choice. Since you want to give free gifts, they’ll take it... till they have to start paying for it, subscription cancelled. In a way they’re right - it is our own choice to do it. Why blame others for taking a good deal? It’s not that they’re bad people. They’re equally weak and selfish in their ways, just like APs can be by making them take responsibility for their well-being. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 31, 2018 3:04:16 GMT
Indeed. I was holding back my urges to text, I allowed him to not spend as much time with my friends, we mostly hung out alone and then with his friends whom now I have built stronger relationships with than him! I pushed so much of who I am aside, not just the AP stuff, most of what I needed in the hopes he would see that I can be what he wanted and accept me as well. That was my first mistake of many. I still do not think he is a bad guy at all- however, he said he knew that I wanted more so why keep me around an additional 9 months just to reject me? THAT is a pill I'm having trouble swallowing. But, again, I can only take responsibility for my part and continue to heal so that I do not allow this to happen again. Yea.. I completely understand the part about pushing aside who you are, not just the AP stuff, just to see if it’ll work. Well, see the issue with their non committal attitude is that they KNOW you want more, but they will tell you that they never promised they’ll give it to you. You stayed in the relationship willingly and waited - that is your choice. Since you want to give free gifts, they’ll take it... till they have to start paying for it, subscription cancelled. In a way they’re right - it is our own choice to do it. Why blame others for taking a good deal? It’s not that they’re bad people. They’re equally weak and selfish in their ways, just like APs can be by making them take responsibility for their well-being. Anxious, I'm nodding!! haha! yeah you kinda nailed it with the whole subscription part! I used to call it an "insurance policy"! A very positive thing to come out of this is the freedom in taking accountability and seeing my own agenda in this too. As someone said before on here, both can show up poorly- it's sad but true. And oh I wish we could have come together and make things better, but its not to be. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2018 3:38:18 GMT
Both can show up poorly - what a good way to put it.
Actually, I think APs also treat their love as some kind of insurance policies. I often catch myself thinking why I should commit and try if he doesn’t reciprocate? Why should I love him when he’s being so difficult and mean and inconsiderate? But then, I wonder if that’s how it should be. If my love for him is conditional on how satisfied I am, then is that really love? I struggle between loving him and loving myself, and maybe the real issue is just there’s not enough love to go around - not enough for me, him, and us.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2018 4:01:26 GMT
Both can show up poorly - what a good way to put it. Actually, I think APs also treat their love as some kind of insurance policies. I often catch myself thinking why I should commit and try if he doesn’t reciprocate? Why should I love him when he’s being so difficult and mean and inconsiderate? But then, I wonder if that’s how it should be. If my love for him is conditional on how satisfied I am, then is that really love? I struggle between loving him and loving myself, and maybe the real issue is just there’s not enough love to go around - not enough for me, him, and us. Love for yourself is unconditional. Love for others has limits. How can you love someone who doesn't respect you? |
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Post by ocarina on Jan 31, 2018 7:12:36 GMT
Both can show up poorly - what a good way to put it. Actually, I think APs also treat their love as some kind of insurance policies. I often catch myself thinking why I should commit and try if he doesn’t reciprocate? Why should I love him when he’s being so difficult and mean and inconsiderate? But then, I wonder if that’s how it should be. If my love for him is conditional on how satisfied I am, then is that really love? I struggle between loving him and loving myself, and maybe the real issue is just there’s not enough love to go around - not enough for me, him, and us. Love for yourself is unconditional. Love for others has limits. How can you love someone who doesn't respect you? You can love unconditionally whilst still having healthy boundaries - detaching from a relationship doesn't mean not being loving - it means putting your own needs first and then letting go with love. This may also be the most loving thing to do with a partner who is unwilling or unable to change - to an ap it may seem that staying and making it work is being loving but doesn't this come with an agenda - ie only staying in the hope or belief that a person will change? Unconditional love is not unconditional commitment to stay in a situation that is unacceptable and is never to stay in an abusive relationship whether that abuse is intentional or not. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2018 7:57:15 GMT
Both can show up poorly - what a good way to put it. Actually, I think APs also treat their love as some kind of insurance policies. I often catch myself thinking why I should commit and try if he doesn’t reciprocate? Why should I love him when he’s being so difficult and mean and inconsiderate? But then, I wonder if that’s how it should be. If my love for him is conditional on how satisfied I am, then is that really love? I struggle between loving him and loving myself, and maybe the real issue is just there’s not enough love to go around - not enough for me, him, and us. Love for yourself is unconditional. Love for others has limits. How can you love someone who doesn't respect you? I think the issue is - is he really not respecting me and my needs or is it that I’m AP activated and honestly being quite unreasonable. Sometimes even if the AP tendencies get put away, the avoidant’s behavior is truly hurtful, even for a secure person. That’s what I’m exploring - when I’m detached and withdrawn from my DA (when no AP tendencies get activated), am I able to have a loving and healthy relationship? At the moment, it seems so - he’s consistent, loving and seems to put in effort. But this might change when I get attached again. So... who knows. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2018 14:22:28 GMT
Love for yourself is unconditional. Love for others has limits. How can you love someone who doesn't respect you? I think the issue is - is he really not respecting me and my needs or is it that I’m AP activated and honestly being quite unreasonable. Sometimes even if the AP tendencies get put away, the avoidant’s behavior is truly hurtful, even for a secure person. That’s what I’m exploring - when I’m detached and withdrawn from my DA (when no AP tendencies get activated), am I able to have a loving and healthy relationship? At the moment, it seems so - he’s consistent, loving and seems to put in effort. But this might change when I get attached again. So... who knows. I totally get this. However, I have often defaulted to thinking, I'm just doing this way because I am avoidant, when there actually was a danger in the relationship. I have been in a relationship with a secure and he had no problem with my timetable, the way I responded to texts, my need for space etc. Is it individual or is it attachment? It's probably both. We only see the relationship through your eyes as that is what you write here. If I heard both sides, I don't know what I would think, Usually, the reality is somewhere in between. |
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