jenn
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Posts: 21 
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Post by jenn on Jun 30, 2016 22:42:10 GMT
I've been with my boyfriend 2 years. We have been living together for 1 1/2 years... I have read the books on AD and he is a classic!
This is what is going on now...
I don't even know where to begin....I'm so confused....
I don't understand why it is so difficult for him to kiss me and to be intimate with me, Boyfriends and girlfriends hold hands, they kiss, they hug they have sex... Why don't we? You say something is missing... What is it? Is it your not interested in me anymore or is it you have no interest in sex? Please be honest with me.... I don't know what you want in our relationship... I don't even know if you want to still be with me.... You say, "Actions speak louder than words"... When you don't show me ANY affection at all, what am I suppose to think?
I certainly don't need you clingy to me,nor do you need/want this from me... but a kiss on the lips and a strong hug would at least show me you want to be with me....
Affection and intimacy is a normal/ healthy part of a romantic relationship... What we have is far from normal or healthy..
I love you with all my heart.. I'm asking you to please be honest with me about what you want and need and where we go from here...
I want to hear your ringtone on my phone again... I want to be able to call and just say hi and not be worried that I'm bothering you.....
If you need time to think things over and you want me to leave, just say so and ill be gone like the wind...
This is what I want to say to him.. I don't understand why he won't tell me to leave.. We have not had intervourse gor over a year and I the last time we fooled around was in Msrch.
He had been married twice.. 2 years for both. The first wife cheated on him, the second one he divorced b/c she was bipolar...
I know sex isn't that important to him, b:c he told me he never has decided on his wedding night with his second wife, he never told her he loved her.. The first wife he made a comment to me they only had decided once a month, life was great she would leave on a Mon for work and come home on a Fri... Very early on in our relationship he said we should dial back our sex... But then he said to me we should be having 3-4 times a week.. I confronted him with all of this last Nov..
I just don't know what to do.. Help me please...
He is 57. I am 50., was married for 25 years and I am secure... But I'm going crazy!!!
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Post by Jo on Jul 1, 2016 9:07:30 GMT
Hi, this situation must be frustrating and hurtful for you. I too have experienced this with my long-term DA partner. He is very self-aware. He knew that our relationship was unsustainable without intimacy. We had a number of deep, and difficult conversations, which I think you might need. My partner has serious intimacy issues once a relationship gets closer. This is threatening for him due to his deep, deep fears around trust if he feels exposed, but he also has a fear of being controlled. Intimacy is threatening and very scary to him. You need to find a way to be 'less scary' ( to your partner that is). Also, whilst he doesn't need intimacy, your partner will have other needs. Try to find out what they are, and then, if you can, see if you can compromise. See if you can find a mid-point that is sustainable for both of you. If you want to be together, this is possible. Then every now and again, you might find it helpful to 'check in ' and see if all is still ok and manageable. We have a 10 minute rule for discussions because the shutters start to come down if talks go on for too long, but I find this hard, so am working on myself here. For us, it is definitely a two way street. Hope this helps a little.
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raco
Junior Member
Posts: 81 
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Post by raco on Jul 1, 2016 13:02:26 GMT
jenn,
Do you love this guy or do you love who he seemed to be at first? Do you love him as he is now, or do you love who you would like him to be? He will probably never become the affectionate person you desire. What you should do is obvious, in my opinion. Unless you can be happy to be in a relationship in which you will be constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to make a simple phone call or a kiss. I think it's better to break up and to suffer for a while than to stay with him and suffer for years or decades.
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Post by Jennifer on Jul 1, 2016 16:32:15 GMT
Hi, this situation must be frustrating and hurtful for you. I too have experienced this with my long-term DA partner. He is very self-aware. He knew that our relationship was unsustainable without intimacy. We had a number of deep, and difficult conversations, which I think you might need. My partner has serious intimacy issues once a relationship gets closer. This is threatening for him due to his deep, deep fears around trust if he feels exposed, but he also has a fear of being controlled. Intimacy is threatening and very scary to him. You need to find a way to be 'less scary' ( to your partner that is). Also, whilst he doesn't need intimacy, your partner will have other needs. Try to find out what they are, and then, if you can, see if you can compromise. See if you can find a mid-point that is sustainable for both of you. If you want to be together, this is possible. Then every now and again, you might find it helpful to 'check in ' and see if all is still ok and manageable. We have a 10 minute rule for discussions because the shutters start to come down if talks go on for too long, but I find this hard, so am working on myself here. For us, it is definitely a two way street. Hope this helps a little. |
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jenn
New Member
Posts: 21
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Post by jenn on Jul 1, 2016 20:43:48 GMT
This is Jenn, thank you all for your input.. I do love him... I can't adjust my behaviors to what he needs but I don't know what he needs... Other than me not initiating any sex or touching...
He is ok with a kiss good night and a kiss goodbye in the morning along with a hug... However, he turns his cheek when I kiss him...
On occasion I can kiss him on the lips...
It's just so ironic how we had been able to cuddle and kiss before, but maybe it was too much for him and he didn't want to tell me to stop...
He flies to communicate his feelings at all...so I'm left wondering... I don't want to pressure him, but I do want to make sure his needs are being met... I guess I wonder how he was able to have dex with people he barely knew and can not with me... When he said something is missing... It hurts me, but he didnt tell me what it is.. I asked him if it was something we needed to work on and he said no.. This talk was about one month ago. Since then I stopped holding his arm when we went up to get to watch TV, and stopped calling him, I usually would call once a day just to say hi and see how his day was goIng and stopped kissing him when he got home from work. He went to the doctors and he had a talk with his doctor about meds... He had taken viagra back in 2012, which I guess didn't Turk for him... He said he must not have been in the mood... I said to him you don't have a problem with getting an erection your problem is you gave no interest in sex... He in the past has said he couldn't control himself with me and said he wouldn't be able to last more than 5 minutes with me.. And when we first dates he said if he wore a condom he would have no sensation at all...
For me I look at this as if he didn't want be around wouldn't he tell me to move out?
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raco
Junior Member
Posts: 81
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Post by raco on Jul 1, 2016 22:04:10 GMT
Your boyfriend has no problem with sex when he does it with someone he barely knows, because in this case there is no emotional intimacy, only physical intimacy. You can't make love to someone you don't know, you can only have sex with this person. I think your boyfriend has no problem with sex in itself (even if he has some erectile dysfunction). It's the same thing for cuddling. Some avoidants can't cuddle at all, even with a new partner. But some can do it at first, before becoming more and more uncomfortable with it as the relationship progresses and the level of emotional intimacy increases.
I think you can stop paying attention to what this guy tells you. It is very rare that an avoidant is self-aware to the point of saying "sorry, I have a problem with intimacy, something deep inside me prevents me from becoming close to you and it's not your fault at all". Usually, they will come up with an excuse. Like "something is missing". But nothing is missing, and that's why he won't tell you what is missing exactly (though he could certainly invent something). He may not even be aware that this is just an excuse and that the real reason for your relationship issues has nothing to do with you.
Be careful not to seek logic where there isn't any. It's tempting to do that with avoidants, thinking that there is no way our avoidant partner will not realize what the real problem is when we confront him with his contradictions. But logic is not their thing, and usually, it just pushes them further away.
You seem to care a lot about meeting this guy's needs. Does he care as much about meeting yours? I really doubt so. Can you accept to be in such an unbalanced relationship?
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jenn
New Member
Posts: 21
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Post by jenn on Jul 1, 2016 22:25:57 GMT
You are dead on! He told me that for me sex was love making snd for him it was an act... Early on he said he knew we would fit like a glove!
So the question I'm asking myself is this, if he was paralyzed and Gould no longer have sex , would I stay with him.. And my answer is yes... I love him with all my heart and I really feel deep down he does too but can not express it. I just want to know how to support him and give him what he needs in turn get what I need too..
Seriously, how long can a man go with out some sort of pleasure...
You have given me a lot to think about and gave helped me considerably...
What else can I do?
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Post by Jennifer on Jul 1, 2016 23:17:54 GMT
You are dead on! He told me that for me sex was love making snd for him it was an act... Early on he said he knew we would fit like a glove! So the question I'm asking myself is this, if he was paralyzed and Gould no longer have sex , would I stay with him.. And my answer is yes... I love him with all my heart and I really feel deep down he does too but can not express it. I just want to know how to support him and give him what he needs in turn get what I need too.. Seriously, how long can a man go with out some sort of pleasure... You have given me a lot to think about and gave helped me considerably... What else can I do? So why can't he gave sex with me? Because he is emotionally connected with me? |
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raco
Junior Member
Posts: 81
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Post by raco on Jul 1, 2016 23:22:19 GMT
Seriously, how long can a man go with out some sort of pleasure... Yes, how long? What is likely to happen when a guy : - is trying to convince himself that he doesn't love you (as avoidants do),
- is incapable of having sex with you,
- still needs sex?
Your boyfriend may never cheat on you, but avoidants are known to sometimes flirt with others as a way of convincing themselves that their partner is not that important in their life. Is your boyfriend capable of forgetting about sex for ever?
If you want to stay with him, then you have to accept that your relationship will probably never be a healthy relationship, that your needs will never be met, and that you may be dumped at any time (and you will probably be the only one to suffer because of the break up). If that's OK for you, then let him control everything (as avoidants love to do), and maybe your relationship will last a long time.
So why can't he gave sex with me? Because he is emotionally connected with me? I would rather say because you're emotionally connected to him. |
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jenn
New Member
Posts: 21
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Post by jenn on Jul 1, 2016 23:46:45 GMT
So how do I become unemotionally connected to him? How do I do it?
How can I prove and show him I can just gave sec too...
For be I can't give sex with someone I'm not physically attracted too..
He can?How do I pull away and still care...
Is this shay xvoidxbts want? He has gem married before so I Know he wants a stable relationship...
This is new for me. Do I stop kissing him goodnight what does it take?so he knows I'm in love Ruth him snd because of this he won't have sex with me?
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raco
Junior Member
Posts: 81
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Post by raco on Jul 2, 2016 0:28:28 GMT
No, he certainly can't have sex with someone he's not attracted to. It seems that you're ready to sacrifice everything just to please this guy and be with him. Which is exactly what he wouldn't do for you. He may want a stable relationship, but it doesn't mean he's capable of having such a relationship. How long did his longest relationship last? If it's only a couple of years, then considering his age, I guess he will never have a real long-term relationship with anyone.
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katy
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Post by katy on Jul 2, 2016 2:03:31 GMT
Jenn,
You're in the middle of the rejecting avoidant dance and it's very hard for you to see the forest for the trees. Raco is most likely right - you're going to continually sacrifice your needs and it probably won't end well. And, sex isn't really the issue, it's that he is continually subtly rejecting you. In contrast, think about Christopher Reeve, the actor who was totally paralyzed after a riding accident. Even though he was totally paralyzed, his heart and mind were always there trying to take care of his family. He couldn't move, but he was an emotional and problem-solving support to his wife. They had a good, supportive relationship. It doesn't sound as though you are with a person who wants to have a supportive partnership with you.
I'm sorry this is happening, but Raco is probably right that you need to move on so that you're not always being rejected. Always being made to feel bad about yourself is very demeaning and depressing. It's so hard to understand, but you are with a person who is not treating you in a loving way because he's viewing the entire situation through his very damaged filter.
Best wishes,
Katy
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Post by Jaeger on Jul 2, 2016 6:41:50 GMT
Hello Jenn,
I can understand your confusion. I know for a fact that Katy, I and probably Raco too, have been in a situation comparable to yours. From what I hear you saying you seem to be willing to do anything for this man out of love - sacrifice and put his needs first. While that is a beautiful thing and can work to strengthen a relationship, it can only do so when the other person will do the same. From my experience, it is unlikely this person ever will.
So that leaves you in a situation where you're constantly giving, always thinking about his needs, how not to trigger his distancing strategies and how to make him happy. In the meantime, his focus is squarely on himself. Where does that leave you? Does that sound like a basis for making you happy?
Your caring nature is a strength, and in my opinion you deserve somebody who can give that back, rather than an emotional sponge that will eventually drain you emotionally and physically while you wait for a change that will not come.
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Post by darlene on Jul 2, 2016 12:02:27 GMT
Dear Jenn,
If you read my post you know that I understand perfectly what you're going through. What I can tell you is this, you are 2 years in and at 5 years for me it was progressively getting worse.No matter how much I gave it was never enough and it was rarely reciprocal. He used all of the same distancing behaviors you are talking about, stopped holding my hand, kissing, cuddling and looking into my eyes and except for the rare occasion sex. His threshold for any kind of intamacy was almost nonexistent! Also his critical attitude toward me got worse, he became more and more disrespectful as time went on and spent as much time apart from me as he could. Even though I worked 6 days a week. He used the silent treatment whenever I tried to talk with him about our relationship, my feelings, what he needed from me in the relationship or anything else. I was emotionally exhausted, depressed and showing some physical manifestations of my inner turmoil. All of which are now gone completely even though I am still struggling a lot emotionally that shows that the burden of trying to please someone constantly without getting anything in return is a heavier burden than the pain of detaching from them.Finally, I had to face the reality that though I loved this man so much, if the price of being with him was to give up my self respect entirely, then it's too high a price to pay. So Jenn, ask yourself that question, do you want to pay that price? Is he worth abandoning yourself? I came here searching for answers too, so I understand where you are but from everything I've read and what Jeb is saying, it seems unlikely he will change his patterns.
I am in pain right now thinking of my ex with someone else and wondering if he will be inspired by her to treat her completely differently. Will she give him something I couldn't?
It's hard to let go of the hopes and dreams you have of your life with someone you love. I understand but I would encourage you to seek some counseling to focus on yourself and surround yourself with as many supportive people as you can.
I hope this helps
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jenn
New Member
Posts: 21
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Post by jenn on Jul 2, 2016 12:26:13 GMT
Jenn,
You're in the middle of the rejecting avoidant dance and it's very hard for you to see the forest for the trees. Raco is most likely right - you're going to continually sacrifice your needs and it probably won't end well. And, sex isn't really the issue, it's that he is continually subtly rejecting you. In contrast, think about Christopher Reeve, the actor who was totally paralyzed after a riding accident. Even though he was totally paralyzed, his heart and mind were always there trying to take care of his family. He couldn't move, but he was an emotional and problem-solving support to his wife. They had a good, supportive relationship. It doesn't sound as though you are with a person who wants to have a supportive partnership with you.
I'm sorry this is happening, but Raco is probably right that you need to move on so that you're not always being rejected. Always being made to feel bad about yourself is very demeaning and depressing. It's so hard to understand, but you are with a person who is not treating you in a loving way because he's viewing the entire situation through his very damaged filter.
Best wishes,
Katy
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