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Post by yasmin on Feb 14, 2018 0:01:12 GMT
I'm FA and don't do this. When im done i am done.
My ex FA does this and would continue forever if i let him.
It's classic FA behaviour, Yes, but doesn't mean every FA does it.
For example drug addictions and cheating are classic DA behaviours according to Jeb's book but plenty of DAs don't do these things.
I think the cause of it is fearful avoidant attachment but I think it's more healthy for you to focus on the facts rather than the "whys".
The facts are...
He comes back but nothing changes
He comes back and hurts you again
He comes back but doesn't commit
The whys of things aren't for you to worry about. It's like you're taking emotional responsibility for someone else's crappy actions.
Attachment disorders aren't an excuse to be cruel and selfish. We all have them. I think he's going to keep doing this until you just ignore him.
Is it making you happy or just keeping you stick in the revolving door?
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Post by mrob on Feb 14, 2018 0:35:52 GMT
It has taken everything I have to stay away from my ex wife. I was the same with my first wife 17 years ago. If you want the push/pull and the crazy stuff, allow contact. Now might be a good time to exercise those boundaries you’ve been developing.
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 14, 2018 3:06:32 GMT
I'm FA and don't do this. When im done i am done. My ex FA does this and would continue forever if i let him. It's classic FA behaviour, Yes, but doesn't mean every FA does it. For example drug addictions and cheating are classic DA behaviours according to Jeb's book but plenty of DAs don't do these things. I think the cause of it is fearful avoidant attachment but I think it's more healthy for you to focus on the facts rather than the "whys". The facts are... He comes back but nothing changes He comes back and hurts you again He comes back but doesn't commit The whys of things aren't for you to worry about. It's like you're taking emotional responsibility for someone else's crappy actions. Attachment disorders aren't an excuse to be cruel and selfish. We all have them. I think he's going to keep doing this until you just ignore him. Is it making you happy or just keeping you stick in the revolving door? Hi Yasmin, I always love and appreciate your posts! You always break it down for me in such a way that I often feel compelled to re-read your posts. I copied and pasted the amazing post from tgat about how I already DO love myself. You guys are just the best. And no, I am finding little bits of strength each day staying with the pain and moving forward, so staying in this does not make me happy. Being on the forum does though! |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 14, 2018 3:07:19 GMT
It has taken everything I have to stay away from my ex wife. I was the same with my first wife 17 years ago. If you want the push/pull and the crazy stuff, allow contact. Now might be a good time to exercise those boundaries you’ve been developing. I hear you mrob! I am definitely working on it... thank you!:-) |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2018 3:12:08 GMT
guys, how long could the push pull go on?
i guess that depends on the individuals, but does it have an end?
it must if you have stopped mrob, but how did you do it?
did you want to try to resume the relationship or was it for validation? is that where the anxious kicks in then?
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Post by mrob on Feb 14, 2018 4:07:26 GMT
The cycle was getting shorter and shorter in duration. I had to ignore her bidding on a daily basis, and for the first time in my life stand up for and to myself (if that makes any sense). To watch somebody compromise their dignity is awful. I may be avoidant, but I try to have compassion. Nobody deserves that pain.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2018 4:10:21 GMT
The cycle was getting shorter and shorter in duration. I had to ignore her bidding on a daily basis, and for the first time in my life stand up for and to myself (if that makes any sense). To watch somebody compromise their dignity is awful. I may be avoidant, but I try to have compassion. Nobody deserves that pain. thank you, and i dont judge this as an avoidant myself, although not FA i know my DA traits are painful. Attachment disorders are not chosen, they are imposed on us by our survival needs as tiny children. nobody would choose this. i just keep being glad we are all here together it’s very healing for me. |
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Post by mrob on Feb 14, 2018 4:17:49 GMT
That’s the thing. Nobody would choose this rubbish. God knows I’ve tried to rid myself of it. Now it’s back for more therapy. I showed the therapist my first post the other week, and he immediately picked it up. I knew it was bad for others relating to me, but no idea it was quite that bad.
I’m grateful for everyone here, too, and I’m sorry at the same time!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2018 4:20:31 GMT
That’s the thing. Nobody would choose this rubbish. God knows I’ve tried to rid myself of it. Now it’s back for more therapy. I showed the therapist my first post the other week, and he immediately picked it up. I knew it was bad for others relating to me, but no idea it was quite that bad. I’m grateful for everyone here, too, and I’m sorry at the same time! we got this mrob. we are all doing great just to be aware enough to be here! and many of us moving toward more awareness and conscious correction of patterns, every day. i know i am! we got this.  |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 14, 2018 4:29:02 GMT
That’s the thing. Nobody would choose this rubbish. God knows I’ve tried to rid myself of it. Now it’s back for more therapy. I showed the therapist my first post the other week, and he immediately picked it up. I knew it was bad for others relating to me, but no idea it was quite that bad. I’m grateful for everyone here, too, and I’m sorry at the same time! I absolutely applaud and respect you for going to therapy. I would have given anything for my ex to do so. I see him suffer, but I also see how much suffering he has caused. |
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Post by mrob on Feb 15, 2018 9:08:13 GMT
I’d love to say I’m going to therapy for altruistic reasons. The truth is that it’s just too painful, and I don’t want to be in pain anymore. Selfish reasons.
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Post by yasmin on Feb 15, 2018 9:45:08 GMT
I think that's why everyone goes! Best reason of all though because the only person we can change is ourselves.
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 15, 2018 10:40:46 GMT
I think that's the catalyst to actual change. Going because of outside motivation is unlikely to lead to the commitment to change that going for personal development does.
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 15, 2018 20:00:41 GMT
I’d love to say I’m going to therapy for altruistic reasons. The truth is that it’s just too painful, and I don’t want to be in pain anymore. Selfish reasons. That really is the reason we all go. I started therapy 6 years ago because I was in pain going through a divorce. My therapy evolved over the years and we continued to tackle deeper issues which then lead me to my anxious attachment stuff. It takes a long time, but you will see little changes along the way that make big differences in how you feel. If you were going for someone else as a response to an ultimatum, then I would say don't bother. But you are going to take care of you pain. That is a good reason. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 20:08:43 GMT
I’d love to say I’m going to therapy for altruistic reasons. The truth is that it’s just too painful, and I don’t want to be in pain anymore. Selfish reasons. That really is the reason we all go. I started therapy 6 years ago because I was in pain going through a divorce. My therapy evolved over the years and we continued to tackle deeper issues which then lead me to my anxious attachment stuff. It takes a long time, but you will see little changes along the way that make big differences in how you feel. If you were going for someone else as a response to an ultimatum, then I would say don't bother. But you are going to take care of you pain. That is a good reason. This is interesting. I never thought of people going to therapy due to pain. It's probably why a lot of avoidants don't go. I started going to therapy, because I had questions and I figured they might have some answers on why I make bad choices when it comes to men. |
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