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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2018 23:31:03 GMT
but i don’t mean to be disrespectful, with my tendency to avoid plans or make last minute plans.
its a very big challenge for me!
i have grown in a lot of ways but this is a real sticking point.
i am so protective of my time and space and attention, that i literally feel myself bristle when someone i know, a friend, family, etc, asks about my plans, randomly.
its an automatic reaction.
for example:
“Are you busy on Saturday?”
”Are you working tonight?”
i cant describe what i feel but it’s such a strong sense of impending encroachment. Even if i like the person and would like to see them.
I feel much better when i get a question like
“I have two tickets for a show in saturday, would you like to go?
something that just gives me an idea what we are talking about. i think that’s a good courtesy anyway.
but it is nearly impossible for me to accept or make plans. my impulse reaction is to decline for some reason.
I have made a plan and kept it successfully with a female friend for dinner , twice, in the last couple of months. so i am trying to make a point to do it on purpose. forcing myself. i really enjoyed the time with her and i am glad i did.
i know i sound like a weirdo or rude and i get it.
i have a hard time making it a regular practice. i don’t mean anyone any harm but know it’s hard to get me commit to time. i don’t quite understand it. but i am going to try to make a goal of maybe a certain number of commitments in a month or something.
i don’t have a problem taking my daughter to violin practice and stuff, i can do it for other people. i dunno!!! 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
feedback is welcome even if it stings.
😕
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 13, 2018 23:40:15 GMT
but i don’t mean to be disrespectful, with my tendency to avoid plans or make last minute plans. its a very big challenge for me! i have grown in a lot of ways but this is a real sticking point. i am so protective of my time and space and attention, that i literally feel myself bristle when someone i know, a friend, family, etc, asks about my plans, randomly. its an automatic reaction. for example: “Are you busy on Saturday?” ”Are you working tonight?” i cant describe what i feel but it’s such a strong sense of impending encroachment. Even if i like the person and would like to see them. I feel much better when i get a question like “I have two tickets for a show in saturday, would you like to go? something that just gives me an idea what we are talking about. i think that’s a good courtesy anyway. but it is nearly impossible for me to accept or make plans. my impulse reaction is to decline for some reason. I have made a plan and kept it successfully with a female friend for dinner , twice, in the last couple of months. so i am trying to make a point to do it on purpose. forcing myself. i really enjoyed the time with her and i am glad i did. i know i sound like a weirdo or rude and i get it. i have a hard time making it a regular practice. i don’t mean anyone any harm but know it’s hard to get me commit to time. i don’t quite understand it. but i am going to try to make a goal of maybe a certain number of commitments in a month or something. i don’t have a problem taking my daughter to violin practice and stuff, i can do it for other people. i dunno!!! 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 feedback is welcome even if it stings. 😕 I actually appreciating reading this! My ex would get super cagey if I asked what he was doing, but if I offered up specific plans he was very receptive. I think of it more as a personal preference for some. I actually get this way with certain friends and family in my life! I just feel immediate pressure so I can be evasive at times. I have a close friend who would do that ALL the time until I realized if I gave her a few options, she would be more comfortable picking a date to hang. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2018 23:46:05 GMT
but i don’t mean to be disrespectful, with my tendency to avoid plans or make last minute plans. its a very big challenge for me! i have grown in a lot of ways but this is a real sticking point. i am so protective of my time and space and attention, that i literally feel myself bristle when someone i know, a friend, family, etc, asks about my plans, randomly. its an automatic reaction. for example: “Are you busy on Saturday?” ”Are you working tonight?” i cant describe what i feel but it’s such a strong sense of impending encroachment. Even if i like the person and would like to see them. I feel much better when i get a question like “I have two tickets for a show in saturday, would you like to go? something that just gives me an idea what we are talking about. i think that’s a good courtesy anyway. but it is nearly impossible for me to accept or make plans. my impulse reaction is to decline for some reason. I have made a plan and kept it successfully with a female friend for dinner , twice, in the last couple of months. so i am trying to make a point to do it on purpose. forcing myself. i really enjoyed the time with her and i am glad i did. i know i sound like a weirdo or rude and i get it. i have a hard time making it a regular practice. i don’t mean anyone any harm but know it’s hard to get me commit to time. i don’t quite understand it. but i am going to try to make a goal of maybe a certain number of commitments in a month or something. i don’t have a problem taking my daughter to violin practice and stuff, i can do it for other people. i dunno!!! 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 feedback is welcome even if it stings. 😕 I actually appreciating reading this! My ex would get super cagey if I asked what he was doing, but if I offered up specific plans he was very receptive. I think of it more as a personal preference for some. I actually get this way with certain friends and family in my life! I just feel immediate pressure so I can be evasive at times. I have a close friend who would do that ALL the time until I realized if I gave her a few options, she would be more comfortable picking a date to hang. i have let people know that it would mean a lot if they can give me some information with the question but some don’t, and i have backed away from them somewhat because of it. its that bad for me. i am glad i asked for what i would help me, but when they didn’t think of it i dreaded hearing from them. i do love people, a lot. . but i have to approach them and have a more difficult time when approached. i am working on it. |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 13, 2018 23:55:05 GMT
I actually appreciating reading this! My ex would get super cagey if I asked what he was doing, but if I offered up specific plans he was very receptive. I think of it more as a personal preference for some. I actually get this way with certain friends and family in my life! I just feel immediate pressure so I can be evasive at times. I have a close friend who would do that ALL the time until I realized if I gave her a few options, she would be more comfortable picking a date to hang. i have let people know that it would mean a lot if they can give me some information with the question but some don’t, and i have backed away from them somewhat because of it. its that bad for me. i am glad i asked for what i would help me, but when they didn’t think of it i dreaded hearing from them. i do love people, a lot. . but i have to approach them and have a more difficult time when approached. i am working on it. I think the main point here is that you're aware of it and working on it. That being said, I do not think you have to change this entirely! It's good to be upfront with people and ask for what you want and need. I don't mind it at all actually that some people in my life need the same kind of communication. As long as they tell me, I'm all for respecting it. My ex never told me, he would just ignore me if he didn't like it, THAT is not ok. but what you are doing sounds good to me!  |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2018 0:00:15 GMT
i specifically want to practice making plans in a couple days advance.
i don’t think i have ever done that before really.
so this year i want to get good at doing that’s
sounds so lame but it’s a big deal.
maybe i could start with twice a month dinner with two different friends.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2018 0:00:49 GMT
i specifically want to practice making plans in a couple days advance. i don’t think i have ever done that before really. so this year i want to get good at doing that’s sounds so lame but it’s a big deal. maybe i could start with twice a month dinner with two different friends. of course i mean making plans and KEEPING THEM. |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 14, 2018 0:05:04 GMT
i specifically want to practice making plans in a couple days advance. i don’t think i have ever done that before really. so this year i want to get good at doing that’s sounds so lame but it’s a big deal. maybe i could start with twice a month dinner with two different friends. of course i mean making plans and KEEPING THEM. I think that your level of self awareness is wonderful, and very rare! It's great to be self aware, but you are taking actions to change your experiences. That is something we ALL can learn from on this forum. :-) |
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 14, 2018 0:06:14 GMT
“Are you busy on Saturday?” ”Are you working tonight?” i cant describe what i feel but it’s such a strong sense of impending encroachment. Even if i like the person and would like to see them. I feel much better when i get a question like “I have two tickets for a show in saturday, would you like to go? something that just gives me an idea what we are talking about. i think that’s a good courtesy anyway. but it is nearly impossible for me to accept or make plans. my impulse reaction is to decline for some reason. It sounds like the problem is the vagueness. A nervous part of the brain (Lets call it stressmonkey) could even take “Are you busy on Saturday?” as being asked for a whole saturday without knowing if you get a nice activity or any alone time in return. When what the asker has in mind may just be a few hours, and during a specific part of the day, but that information is not provided. It could start really early, end really late, require preparation or be really exhausting Then you give stressmonkey the chance to run circles in your head creating the worst scenarios which makes it more comfy to decline. How would you feel about the following dialogue: “Are you busy on Saturday?” "Not all day, what have you got in mind?" "There is this Thai restaurant I want to give a try, would you like to have dinner or lunch there?" "Lunch would work for me, I'm free between 1pm and 4pm!" This way, you need not accept before know the activity and have some control over the definite time. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2018 0:13:56 GMT
“Are you busy on Saturday?” ”Are you working tonight?” i cant describe what i feel but it’s such a strong sense of impending encroachment. Even if i like the person and would like to see them. I feel much better when i get a question like “I have two tickets for a show in saturday, would you like to go? something that just gives me an idea what we are talking about. i think that’s a good courtesy anyway. but it is nearly impossible for me to accept or make plans. my impulse reaction is to decline for some reason. It sounds like the problem is the vagueness. A nervous part of the brain (Lets call it stressmonkey) could even take “Are you busy on Saturday?” as being asked for a whole saturday without knowing if you get a nice activity or any alone time in return. When what the asker has in mind may just be a few hours, and during a specific part of the day, but that information is not provided. It could start really early, end really late, require preparation or be really exhausting Then you give stressmonkey the chance to run circles in your head creating the worst scenarios which makes it more comfy to decline. How would you feel about the following dialogue: “Are you busy on Saturday?” "Not all day, what have you got in mind?" "There is this Thai restaurant I want to give a try, would you like to have dinner or lunch there?" "Lunch would work for me, I'm free between 1pm and 4pm!" This way, you need not accept before know the activity and have some control over the definite time. 100% accurate, and i never indicate availability at all without info. so i will say “what do you have in mind?” before i reply. my stressmonkey is a gorilla around this haha! so with a conversation i can do a lot better. my huge sticking point is to not make excuses and actually commit to a plan for something social. i am extrovert so this would surpirise a lot of people. i honestly think everyone in my life not in my innermost circle assumes i am very very busy because i don’t make plans and decline when they try. lots of my friends are busy too so i don’t stand out terribly. it’s just that i am the only one secretly NOT making plans and i am acutely aware of it. i promise to practice two commitments a month, socially!!! see why i can’t make it past the second date? so silly!!! |
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 14, 2018 0:16:22 GMT
Maybe AP would have a similar stressmonkey that goes into overdrive when we say "I need some space, goodbye!" but is much calmer when we say "I will see you on tuesday, but for now I need some time to myself, as much as I enjoy your company, goodbye!"
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2018 0:17:50 GMT
Maybe AP would have a similar stressmonkey that goes into overdrive when we say "I need some space, goodbye!" but is much calmer when we say "I will see you on tuesday, but for now I need some time to myself, as much as I enjoy your company, goodbye!" haha that is exactly how i communicate to those close to me. I let them know i love them and need some solitude but i will be back and fresh! people close to me are totally good with it. |
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 14, 2018 0:33:25 GMT
I had my own stressmonkey react to something similar the other day. When cancelling for a large party, he was fishing for the reason why amd I felt a bit stressed and annoyed.
The stressmonkey wanted to throw around thoughts like "How presumptious for him to think he has a right to know" "See, he is a stalker".
In truth, he may either not mean anything, be pushing his luck, doing it out of habit or whatever. An immediate reply, changing the subject, stops both the monkey and the fishing attempt.
Now, had I done the classic DA move and not respond, but just sat there thinking about how this guy must really be a stalker trying to engulf me and let those thoughs run amok for 10 minutes, I would have to go home to take care of myself, everyone would think I am weird and people would feel really rejected.
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 14, 2018 0:34:19 GMT
Maybe AP would have a similar stressmonkey that goes into overdrive when we say "I need some space, goodbye!" but is much calmer when we say "I will see you on tuesday, but for now I need some time to myself, as much as I enjoy your company, goodbye!" haha that is exactly how i communicate to those close to me. I let them know i love them and need some solitude but i will be back and fresh! people close to me are totally good with it. This is actually great! It sounds like a very helpful strategy. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2018 0:40:51 GMT
i get this, boy do i.
this is all part of why i avoid plans. if i do happen to make them there is a good chance i will cancel.
but i don’t do that last minute- i do it in advance so it isn’t as bad.
i guess this really is a reason why i have such a hard time dating.
not only do i fear emotionally dependency from a partner, i can’t even commit to a time to find out if that would be the case.
gawd i suck. haha!
but i KNOW i suck. i can improve this and i will practice with my friends because they are totally cool and i love them a lot . they can help me. i don’t think i will tell them what i am doing i will just try to make plans. most have given up asking me but still love me so i will surprise them.
i get hives thinking about it but i will incubate this project and then start it.
maybe next month.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2018 2:28:32 GMT
I don't have this issue when making plans with friends, but I do when it comes to dating. Making a date seems like a great idea one day, but then the next, I'm not feeling it. and you can definitely forget about week long vacations with a bf! That is not happening!
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