i know it’s annoying

This resonates with me big time!

I really don't like being pinned down - it makes me anxious and makes me want to run - however having been with a partner who's the same but worse - his own behaviour around this made me feel that my time wasn't valuable, like he didn't care. Strange since I could absolutely see him playing out my own patterns!

Being in a long term relationship with someone unable to make any plans was stilting for me as because getting on with my own life and including the two of us was impossible since I felt I was waiting around for his decisions one what to do - and in doing so missing out on things I could have been doing either alone or with other friends.

Maybe it could get better with practice - not sure there are many partners who could deal with my exes level of last minute planning - I never knew if he was coming for Christmas until the day before, holidays were a nightmare to plan and in the end it was wasting my time - either I included him and he couldn't commit so I would end up alone, or I got on without him and he would suddenly show up at the last minute. It's not easy to explain the impact it had on us, but it really was the last straw for me - planning life around someone else means your own life goes on hold which is never good.

I am working on this myself - it makes me uncomfortable but I can now see that this isn't a rational discomfort and not one that serves me well.

Yea, with other people I have no problems but with my parents, it’s very hard. Sometimes I do by way of silent protests e.g., not responding to their requests or simply by shaking my head and moving away. In the recent time I’ve gotten increasingly resentful and the voice in my head becoming louder and clearer. I don’t think I was that aware when I was younger though I knew I didn’t like it, as I always justified it as doing my part as a family member and as a good daughter.

But this is not part of being a good daughter.

For what it's worth, my mother has done it at times, and I think she feels uneasy asking me for a favor directly.
It has to do with her own upbringing and even conceptually seeing a daughter as a possible delegate, which is not normal in modern life, but has been okay in the past. Rationally, she completely agrees that I have a right to my own choices and she would like to be able to only ever ask openly, but sometimes an old pattern just comes out.

If you speak with them rationally, do they believe they have a right to spend your free time? Are they old fashioned or from a more traditional culture?

I coped with it for many years - it never got better or worse, but as someone who's genuinely not an anxious type, over time it did erode my self confidence. When he left my house - or i his, we never ever had a plan of when we would see each other next - he would simply text in a couple of days to arrange a get together usually that day. It made it really difficult to either have a relationship or get on with my own life. Had we had some kind of planned together time I would have been quite happy doing my own thing, but I always felt left in some kind of limbo - if I did my own thing I wouldn 't see him and if I didn't and waited for him to contact me I would feel resentful if he was tied up with work etc and didn't arrange sometthing.

Eventually I realised how precious my time was and that waiting around for him time and time again was wasting it!

After a conversation with an anxious friend, i want to add that my ex was more avoidant than i and this planning thing was a big sticking point and ultimately one of the things that made it unworkable.
his windows or available time were much smaller than mine, and i am the one who needed more planning from HIM.
it’s importabt to recognize we are all on a spectrum, with behaviors too. and needs.
i wouldn’t be able to sustain a pairing with an AP much beyond hello, but had to work hard to maintain my pairing with a DA in some ways too.

getting more secure is the way to go, fer sure. emotionally i feel quite secure and testing confirms that pretty well , and yet i have a lifetime of habits and mindsets that i have to work really hard to adjust and it’s very unnatural!

hear, hear.

i accommodated my ex a bit because i really prioritized our sexual intimacy and the time we spent connecting with sleep overs.

it was very difficult to let go of this aspect when i left him.
but, i realized that while the Quality of that aspect was phenomenal, the Quantity was insufficient and could not be negotiated to suit me.

i had to figure out what my real needs are and whether he could meet them.  he couldn’t.  even tho we cared about each other. 

i am at peace now letting go because i know what i want and won’t settle! he isn’t the only guy, and unfortunately not the guy for me.  sad but true.