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Post by goldilocks on Feb 14, 2018 15:30:19 GMT
Some people have enough sex drive to prioritize a weekly sleepover and make it happen in spite of the intimacy and commitment issues. Some people have a low sex drive and are fully satisfied with one sleepover a month. Some people are unable to deal with their intimacy and commitment issues even though they would really want more sex.
I agree with Mary that when you stop accomodating it should not be to elicit a response. Rather, it sets a boundary.
It also prevents you from driving yourself crazy to make the relationship work from one side.
Now the result may very well be that you find out that his issues are stronger than his sex drive. Would you want a guy like that?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2018 15:41:40 GMT
Some people have enough sex drive to prioritize a weekly sleepover and make it happen in spite of the intimacy and commitment issues. Some people have a low sex drive and are fully satisfied with one sleepover a month. Some people are unable to deal with their intimacy and commitment issues even though they would really want more sex. I agree with Mary that when you stop accomodating it should not be to elicit a response. Rather, it sets a boundary. It also prevents you from driving yourself crazy to make the relationship work from one side. Now the result may very well be that you find out that his issues are stronger than his sex drive. Would you want a guy like that? True, but just to give you the flip side. I have a very high sex drive. I still got those met without the sleepovers. We had plenty of day/evening sex and no sleepovers after the first year. Maybe I got away with it more being a woman with a man with a high sex drive, but he also made noise about not having sleep overs. I am not proud of this, but I often told him he could come over for sex and then he had to get out. But the same question remains....would you want a partner like that? |
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Post by ocarina on Feb 14, 2018 18:03:07 GMT
There is alot on here about partners who are inconsistent - mine was absolutely consistent in the extreme - in that there was never any advance planning but he never distanced and came back, he would predictably get back in touch after a few days wanting to see me - and not just for sex - often something to do in the day or whatever, but always always at the last minute. I have six kids, many interests and need alone time also so this part just didn't work.
This thread has been really useful for me to see this behaviour as part of the package for avoidants (some anyway ) and commitment phobes. In the end I absolutely didn't bend over backwards to accommodate this and as a result the relationship became unfeasible for me - he would complain about not seeing me enough, me initiating would be "pressure" and him initiating continued to be last minute with me being unavailable since I had decided I needed to continue with my life. It became a chicken and egg impossible situation. Unfortunately.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2018 18:53:16 GMT
i have a high sex dive and full schedule with independently raising kids and being self employed plus all my regular solitary pursuits, but easily accommodate a partner that has similar needs.
so i think it really is a matter of knowing and appreciating your capacity for involvement, and neither imposing or demanding incompatible lifestyles and priorities.
it’s taken a lot of introspection and trial and error to come to where i am at with it, and i am obviously adjusting where i see i need to just to get the ball rolling for dating haha!
being able to initiate a relationship with my ex was a perfect storm but i have to make adjustment to my solitude and time control to get out and meet someone new.
once i am in something i can relax and be more adjustable.
i know this to be true about myself.
but i have compromised my priorities when i didn’t need to and i won’t do that so much in the future.
so, i have to relax my walls around time, and also stay true to myself. i am sure i can find that balance. and i am sure i can accommodate a suitable partner.
but pounding a square peg into a round hole with basic compatibility issues is NOT HOT and i ain’t havin’ it haha!
😁😣
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lucy
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Post by lucy on Feb 15, 2018 7:51:27 GMT
Goldilocks, I do usually ask him first, then see if I can find a pet sitter. But there are only a few people who can pet sit for me. Also by the time he finally confirms (maybe 2days beforehand) and I can ask people, they are usually booked up. So it usually means I miss out. I am saying 'I' because the sleep overs are mainly for me. Its not about sex. We can do that without sleep over. Its actually being able to relax at his place and have a few drinks without worrying about driving back home, or having to sort the animals once I get back. Its also about the intimacy of sleeping in a bed together all night long and waking up next to each other. I've always felt he feels a bit uncomfortable with that...except for the first few months of course when he was much more willing to sleep overs and planning in advance. But sleep overs are only one aspect of the whole 'non commital/being spontanious thing' ... I try to focus on living my live as best as I can, and when he wants he can slot in. Its the only way it works. Though I wish he did prioritise me and my needs more. Its that or run for the hills
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 15, 2018 18:45:50 GMT
Are you satisfied with the relationship?
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lucy
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Post by lucy on Feb 15, 2018 21:39:51 GMT
Haha. I am dating a DA ... what do you think? I am ok-ish, which is as truthful as I can be. Do I want more? Yes! Do I think he can give me more...eventually? Maybe! I am quite realistic about what we have. Am focusing on some big life changes, which dont include him. I do love him, and he will be able to choose to be part of it. But I am mentally prepared, that it's not gonna happen. The more I get to know him and the longer we are together, the easier it gets. Or rather...the less hard
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2018 2:52:18 GMT
I did it! Don’t laugh, this is new for me! I made a plan for dinner with a girlfriend two days from now, i just texted her and asked if she would like to make a plan! I am very secure in friendships, and cherish them. But i have been a lone wolf type a gal for all my life, and mixed and mingled in a solitary way, in compartments, never initiating and rarely keeping plans outside of my routine. SO HEY, I’m trying to grow and i’m doing it. i’m not a social reject, or weird... just solitary. So yay. i made a plan.  |
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 19, 2018 20:04:41 GMT
Good for you!
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