|
|
Post by yasmin on Feb 19, 2018 15:24:23 GMT
And reliable as clockwork, my FA started messaging me last night after three weeks NC. I'm in the same position as you @mary in the sense that I know a relationship can't work but also feel it's too hard to insist on NC. I did some thinking about this yesterday about why the NC is so hard for me with this person even though he has hurt me. It is partially about my attachment to them but also, a big part is their attachment to me. If I think their attachment to me is very strong as well, my feelings of not wanting to abandon that person take over. I know all too well what abandonment feels like and I don't want someone I love to feel that. This has happened to me before with a long time friend. She did some very horrible things to me yet I remained her friend for over 15 years. If they were to leave me, the NC would be easy for me. Lots of hugs to you. The situation has broken my heart over and over. I hope you find some peace soon. I feel exactly the same way. Identical. I could have written this post. |
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Feb 19, 2018 18:50:01 GMT
I did some thinking about this yesterday about why the NC is so hard for me with this person even though he has hurt me. It is partially about my attachment to them but also, a big part is their attachment to me. If I think their attachment to me is very strong as well, my feelings of not wanting to abandon that person take over. I know all too well what abandonment feels like and I don't want someone I love to feel that. This has happened to me before with a long time friend. She did some very horrible things to me yet I remained her friend for over 15 years. If they were to leave me, the NC would be easy for me. Lots of hugs to you. The situation has broken my heart over and over. I hope you find some peace soon. I feel exactly the same way. Identical. I could have written this post. Hey everyone, Well I ended up seeing my ex and we hung out yesterday. :-( We were friendly at first, then more affectionate. I got so lost in the happiness and soothing feelings of being with him, I thought, well just this once. then i woke up with the hard realization that he doesn't want to be with me, he doesn't want to work on himself, he wants to date others. I'm not mad at myself, or him. I still don't get how he can spend such close time with me but not want to be with me. I have to be honest with you all, I know this is a set back for me. Not only can I not do NC, I can't set boundaries with him. Feel sad and empty. @mary and yasmin, I know going NC is so hard and maybe it's not what you need right now, Mary, but take it from me, seeing the person or even engaging just keeps you stuck. I am not going to beat myself up today, just going to stand still and do nothing, maybe just something nice for myself. I think you both should do the same. I am also not ready to date, obviously, so I am going to keep working on myself. |
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Feb 19, 2018 19:03:47 GMT
I feel exactly the same way. Identical. I could have written this post. Hey everyone, Well I ended up seeing my ex and we hung out yesterday. :-( We were friendly at first, then more affectionate. I got so lost in the happiness and soothing feelings of being with him, I thought, well just this once. then i woke up with the hard realization that he doesn't want to be with me, he doesn't want to work on himself, he wants to date others. I'm not mad at myself, or him. I still don't get how he can spend such close time with me but not want to be with me. I have to be honest with you all, I know this is a set back for me. Not only can I not do NC, I can't set boundaries with him. Feel sad and empty. @mary and yasmin , I know going NC is so hard and maybe it's not what you need right now, Mary, but take it from me, seeing the person or even engaging just keeps you stuck. I am not going to beat myself up today, just going to stand still and do nothing, maybe just something nice for myself. I think you both should do the same. I am also not ready to date, obviously, so I am going to keep working on myself. Kirstyrose - Glad you are OK and it sounds as though perhaps this was a good wake up call for you - and maybe all of us..... The thing is that these people want us around - and when they disappear for a bit and come back we are so full of relief and the connection is so strong that we feel it's meant to be and fall back into line. Of course it's more of the same in the end - and I am so glad you have reached this point - I know that seeing my ex will also keep me stuck at least seeing him in any kind of meaningful way. We need to love ourselves more here - love ourselves in the long term, so we can sit with some pain in order to see that at the other end of the tunnel we will come out realising we deserve more compassion and love than these partners are giving us. So glad you are doing something nice for yourself Kirstyrose - as Yasmin said, these guys to have a strong attachment to us - but we don't have any obligation to deal with their issues especially not at the expense of our own emotional well being. |
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Feb 19, 2018 19:08:43 GMT
Hey everyone, Well I ended up seeing my ex and we hung out yesterday. :-( We were friendly at first, then more affectionate. I got so lost in the happiness and soothing feelings of being with him, I thought, well just this once. then i woke up with the hard realization that he doesn't want to be with me, he doesn't want to work on himself, he wants to date others. I'm not mad at myself, or him. I still don't get how he can spend such close time with me but not want to be with me. I have to be honest with you all, I know this is a set back for me. Not only can I not do NC, I can't set boundaries with him. Feel sad and empty. @mary and yasmin , I know going NC is so hard and maybe it's not what you need right now, Mary, but take it from me, seeing the person or even engaging just keeps you stuck. I am not going to beat myself up today, just going to stand still and do nothing, maybe just something nice for myself. I think you both should do the same. I am also not ready to date, obviously, so I am going to keep working on myself. Kirstyrose - Glad you are OK and it sounds as though perhaps this was a good wake up call for you - and maybe all of us..... The thing is that these people want us around - and when they disappear for a bit and come back we are so full of relief and the connection is so strong that we feel it's meant to be and fall back into line. Of course it's more of the same in the end - and I am so glad you have reached this point - I know that seeing my ex will also keep me stuck at least seeing him in any kind of meaningful way. We need to love ourselves more here - love ourselves in the long term, so we can sit with some pain in order to see that at the other end of the tunnel we will come out realising we deserve more compassion and love than these partners are giving us. So glad you are doing something nice for yourself Kirstyrose - as Yasmin said, these guys to have a strong attachment to us - but we don't have any obligation to deal with their issues especially not at the expense of our own emotional well being. Ocarina, thank you! I honestly was the one who initiated hanging out, and then he said yes and we ended up spending the entire day and evening together. I felt because I did the initiating, he just "went along with it" and i think i devalue myself even more thinking that. I thought, well he must be bored so he said yes to hanging, but he seemed very happy to hang out and wanted to continue it, however, all i kept thinking is, he is just using me. So its like I could not even let myself enjoy it without some negative self-talk. I woke up thinking, he could care less if Im in his life or not, he only wanted to see me because i asked. ugh, not a good way to think |
|
|
|
Post by yasmin on Feb 19, 2018 19:45:54 GMT
kristyrose for what it's worth I think you're great..So warm and honest and open and I don't notice any signs of toxic behaviour from you. It's tough. I think being avoidant I find it easier not to initiate contact but I still find it hard not to respond when he contacts. I do think once you meet someone else it'll help resolve your feelings for him. I know you're not ready yet but when you are...
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2018 20:08:38 GMT
guys, i want to encourage you.
there is a feeling of empowerment i am experiencing, by seeing clearly how to take care of myself.
he can be anything he wants, but not with me.
he can have everything or nothing, but not with me.
he can get his needs met, but not with me.
my self esteem is soaring.
we are not compatible because our values CLASH and it feels good to exercise the discipline of just saying NO.
i can’t help but think that my reward will be a fulfilling relationship in the future.
i won’t be caught up in these shenanigans and i will be available for it.
i know it all takes time but there is reason to exercise the discipline and create your own better future!just sharing some of the positives. they are real!
|
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Feb 19, 2018 20:10:20 GMT
kristyrose for what it's worth I think you're great..So warm and honest and open and I don't notice any signs of toxic behaviour from you. It's tough. I think being avoidant I find it easier not to initiate contact but I still find it hard not to respond when he contacts. I do think once you meet someone else it'll help resolve your feelings for him. I know you're not ready yet but when you are... thank you Yasmin. welled up reading this because I feel pretty bad about myself and i'm trying really hard to NOT base my feelings on how he feels about me. I still believe in my heart, that he is just afraid to really be with me, because I can still feel so much love coming from him and that makes it hard to let go. I know I probably sounds so delusional, but i just don't see how someone would want to spend so much time with another, complimenting them, holding them close that didn't have feelings. I know I really need to just move on, finding it hard today. Thank you so much though for not judging (not that I would expect you to) and for just being so kind and caring |
|
|
|
Post by yasmin on Feb 19, 2018 20:42:29 GMT
kristyrose for what it's worth I think you're great..So warm and honest and open and I don't notice any signs of toxic behaviour from you. It's tough. I think being avoidant I find it easier not to initiate contact but I still find it hard not to respond when he contacts. I do think once you meet someone else it'll help resolve your feelings for him. I know you're not ready yet but when you are... thank you Yasmin. welled up reading this because I feel pretty bad about myself and i'm trying really hard to NOT base my feelings on how he feels about me. I still believe in my heart, that he is just afraid to really be with me, because I can still feel so much love coming from him and that makes it hard to let go. I know I probably sounds so delusional, but i just don't see how someone would want to spend so much time with another, complimenting them, holding them close that didn't have feelings. I know I really need to just move on, finding it hard today. Thank you so much though for not judging (not that I would expect you to) and for just being so kind and caring I think you can have feelings for someone but still not want to be their partner. It's very tough to understand but definitely true. You'll get there honey. Feeling bad about yourself is going to make it harder. |
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Feb 19, 2018 21:14:28 GMT
thank you Yasmin. welled up reading this because I feel pretty bad about myself and i'm trying really hard to NOT base my feelings on how he feels about me. I still believe in my heart, that he is just afraid to really be with me, because I can still feel so much love coming from him and that makes it hard to let go. I know I probably sounds so delusional, but i just don't see how someone would want to spend so much time with another, complimenting them, holding them close that didn't have feelings. I know I really need to just move on, finding it hard today. Thank you so much though for not judging (not that I would expect you to) and for just being so kind and caring I think you can have feelings for someone but still not want to be their partner. It's very tough to understand but definitely true. You'll get there honey. Feeling bad about yourself is going to make it harder. I suppose so, yes. I guess just in shock still about it all- that he wants to find someone else, would have thought he'd either want a break for himself or not be over me and not ready. I guess anyone who gets dumped wants that. I just recall him telling me he goes years without a partner and we were together the longest so wonder how he can just want to be with another person. Sorry. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2018 21:18:21 GMT
I think you can have feelings for someone but still not want to be their partner. It's very tough to understand but definitely true. You'll get there honey. Feeling bad about yourself is going to make it harder. I suppose so, yes. I guess just in shock still about it all- that he wants to find someone else, would have thought he'd either want a break for himself or not be over me and not ready. I guess anyone who gets dumped wants that. I just recall him telling me he goes years without a partner and we were together the longest so wonder how he can just want to be with another person. Sorry. you need a better boyfriend is what you need sweetheart. i'm not saying now, or before you're ready. but regardless of what he wants you want to be loved and he sucks. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2018 21:31:43 GMT
I think you can have feelings for someone but still not want to be their partner. It's very tough to understand but definitely true. You'll get there honey. Feeling bad about yourself is going to make it harder. I suppose so, yes. I guess just in shock still about it all- that he wants to find someone else, would have thought he'd either want a break for himself or not be over me and not ready. I guess anyone who gets dumped wants that. I just recall him telling me he goes years without a partner and we were together the longest so wonder how he can just want to be with another person. Sorry. I honestly don't know if he wants to be with someone else or if he just has the knee jerk reaction to push you away. I asked my ex why he did the hurtful things that he did to me. He said he did them because I am the person he loves the most in this world. He did them because he loves me but that he does not know how to express the love and lacked the understanding of what he was doing. He lacked the understanding of what he was doing and that he was hurting me so much in the process. I hope this helps you a little bit in that people don't always know how to love. kristyrose, you are a wonderful person. It's ok to cherish the time you spent with the ex. He does not know how to love you, but it's ok if you love him. Appreciate that you love people in the correct way and that is the beautiful part of you. |
|
|
|
Post by yasmin on Feb 19, 2018 21:54:30 GMT
I read somewhere a quote that said "dont believe his words, dont believe his actions...believe his PATTERNS because theyr'e the only thing don't lie"
I think this is true. His pattern (and my exes) is no relationships ever.
I think you can deduce from this there's a problem with him and relationships. That's all you need to know.
|
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Feb 20, 2018 0:36:00 GMT
I suppose so, yes. I guess just in shock still about it all- that he wants to find someone else, would have thought he'd either want a break for himself or not be over me and not ready. I guess anyone who gets dumped wants that. I just recall him telling me he goes years without a partner and we were together the longest so wonder how he can just want to be with another person. Sorry. I honestly don't know if he wants to be with someone else or if he just has the knee jerk reaction to push you away. I asked my ex why he did the hurtful things that he did to me. He said he did them because I am the person he loves the most in this world. He did them because he loves me but that he does not know how to express the love and lacked the understanding of what he was doing. He lacked the understanding of what he was doing and that he was hurting me so much in the process. I hope this helps you a little bit in that people don't always know how to love. kristyrose , you are a wonderful person. It's ok to cherish the time you spent with the ex. He does not know how to love you, but it's ok if you love him. Appreciate that you love people in the correct way and that is the beautiful part of you.  thank you so much Mary for the kind words. I cried for a bit after reading them and it felt a bit like a release. Unfortunately, my ex never told me he loved me or explained anything he has done. He simply takes on a formal tone and basically speaks in generalities, never personalizing anything. But he will hold me so very tight and spend time with me, fix things around the house and take on a very boyfriend role, with no words. I always felt like he didn't want me to know anything about how he felt for me, and to this day I still don't know and I think that may be what keeps me hooked, I can feel it, but I have never heard it. I do not regret how I loved him or how I tried so hard because even though I can't do that now, I do know I can do it again for someone who can appreciate and reciprocate it. |
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Feb 20, 2018 0:40:00 GMT
I read somewhere a quote that said "dont believe his words, dont believe his actions...believe his PATTERNS because theyr'e the only thing don't lie" I think this is true. His pattern (and my exes) is no relationships ever. I think you can deduce from this there's a problem with him and relationships. That's all you need to know. Thank you Yasmin.  I've read that quote before but i think it is quite useful and relevant to most of our situations. I keep thinking I did something wrong, but remembering that he cannot be close with others and have real relationships does help. |
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Feb 20, 2018 1:09:37 GMT
yasminI feel like i highjacked your original post! I'm so sorry about that. how are you doing today?
|
|
