AP-FA relationship: worth the trouble?

I'm an FA and I'm very good at being warm and loving in relationships. I am just not good at getting into them to begin eith. I think it's a broad spectrum and FAs in particular can display in very differing ways. We can swing between the two and are triggered in complex ways. I think FA / AP could work really well if they're both aware and really like each other.

hi Alpenglow,
i can see you kind of like the new girl, and find some potential positives about pursuing a relationship.

from my perspective, two dates in is extremely early to be thinking as heavily as you are about future potential, especially given some red flags.

i understand the quickness to relationship in AP and i may be mistaken but i see an activated attachment.

Here’s why. I think you know i am just observing and not criticizing. i want to have successful dating also so i am really being sincere. some things to consider:

Please keep in mind how quickly you attached in your last , brief relationship. you were heartbroken when it ended after a month. that was not long ago. have you recovered sufficiently from that attachment to embark on a new one?

you mention a tendency to rescues, and felt that come up. understandable, depression and anxiety are serious issues that cause serious repercussions in a person’s life and relationships.
there is something to rescue. i know you would like to be a secure base, or grow more secure- but is being triggered by an FA in her FIRST relationship a realistic way to do that? i think that is very unlikely and potentially very damaging.

She told you she does the disappearing act. she put it another way. that disappearing act is very painful and will happen when you feel most secure and connected. she is warning you. wanting to be aware , wanting to improve, sometimes has little impact on our ability to do so. she may want to be different and you may want her to be, but when we are activated or triggered look at what happens. it’s awful. add depression. it’s a lot. a lot for an insecurely attached person to attach to.
it’s a long road. you sound a little optimistic but my stomach sinks for you.

You two have shared a LOT of personal information in two dates. It sounds like you are bonding over your problems. Danger.

I understand that this may seem pessimistic, but rushing is an issue in AP from what i can understand.
There is not a basis for trust and intimacy in two dates. Not at all. And to feel closer over shared problems is understandable, but better for platonic friends than for intimate relationships where all that shit really hits the fan. You will trigger each other because that’s what people with insecure attachment do.

It isn’t a matter of can AP and FA work. it’s about can you, who got triggered after being sexual last time, work with a woman who says she tends to disappear. you know all the ways YoU act out. you don’t know and can’t assume hers. it may be far worse than you can imagine.

I am not slamming FA. Or Ap. i am saying, this is very serious stuff that hurts a lot and gets very messy. you are asking people who are here healing because these issues are devastating.

i would caution you about a relationship like this. maybe make your aim a more secure self and a more secure partner just because of the liabilities involved. why struggle so hard to make something work?
over optimism is something that people get blindsided by in such a situation.

so, of course i offer my support no matter what.
but this seems like a very slippery slope. you’ll get all kinds of advice but few of us have been successful with other insecurely attaches people. if any of us.

ask your therapist and friends also. get a lot of feedback. this is a pretty quick connection.
hugs, and this is just my perspective.

I second the above post by tgat, but I think you know that already from my answer in the other thread. This is a clear case of a drama triangle and that alone has a great chance of pushing you far across your own boundaries and staying much longer than is healthy for you.

www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

youtu.be/86URGgqONvA 😇

Thanks for chiming in, Xoff and Jaeger!

"Oh, I will use this relationship to work on myself, to become more secure. I know she's FA so I can deal with it."
This indeed sounds like a delusion. I can see that!

I like tgat's thread consensus so far!
The crazy thing is that this would have been my own conclusion in more normal times.
But since my self-confidence dropped because of that last mini-relationship of mine, I am clearly less able to think clearly, and I am instead overwhelmed by feelings.
Makes me feel ashamed of myself.

Thanks everyone for putting me back in the right direction!
I usually trust reason a lot more than my feelings. But reason can sometimes backfire also, by making me feel less in touch with my emotions.
Remmber what you wrote to me Jaeger, in an earlier thread? About how I live "too much in my head". I interpreted this as being too rational.
But isn't being rational in this particular case a positive asset?

Being too much in your head sometimes is mind effery, rationalization, etc... for any of us.

It’s aboit knowing your true motives with all the thinking i think!
If it even has a hint of denial in it, you probably know. that’s nipping it in the bud- recognizing denial and rationalization early on.

maybe that is or isn’t what is going on for you but food for thought.

high five tho you are doing good.

Thanks, tgat! I don't think I'm doing too badly at introspective work. I am becoming aware that it's actually one of my qualities.
Except when I get stuck
Is this kind of introspective work here rationalization? Is this being too much in my head? Or only healthy introspection/rationalization?
I truly struggle with noticing when it is too much.

About the physical type, yes, this has a lot to say!
This is also a huge hook on me. Hopefully there are some secure people out there with the physical type I like the most, hehe.
I didn't think to myself that this woman was "the one", but the previous one, the one I slept with, yeah, definitely!

Saying no indeed helps. It allows for the mind to relax.
I said no in a way to the previous one, when I noticed that her attraction to me had dropped dramatically. I'm the one who suggested stopping things there, instead of being left hanging and hoping for her to come around. Relaxation didn't exactly occur, some depression and despair ensured instead, but this was most certainly for the best in the long run.

Thanks again for being there everyone, hugs!