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Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 16:23:36 GMT
So an alternative can be further contact, as a way to see how I react to violated boundaries/unmet needs/triggers. But like Jaeger said, with added vigilance! Mini-risks, but with the biggest risk being me becoming even more attached, and therefore making the whole thing a lot more difficult to get out of. I could view this as an experiment, instead of being attached to the outcome (being in a relationship). here is an avoidant answer: “Sure, if it’s worth the trouble! “ 😂 but yes, open minded and thoughtful. it will be what it will be. Haha, yes. One postive note: a few years ago, I was in a quite similar situation, when I was involved with someone (a friend, not "forced" dating scenario), whom I quite fancied, until she revealed that she was borderline. After I read up on it, I freaked out, and backed off. But since we both worked together in the same organisation (not work-related), it was difficult to avoid her. And then I felt all the triggers, the push/pull (she reminded me of my emotionally abusive dad!), as she also turned out to be interested (in her own way). I managed to get out of this situation unhurt, early enough. Now she is completely out of my life. So at least I know that I can protect myself even if I dip my toes in the water a bit. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 16:27:12 GMT
So an alternative can be further contact, as a way to see how I react to violated boundaries/unmet needs/triggers. But like Jaeger said, with added vigilance! Mini-risks, but with the biggest risk being me becoming even more attached, and therefore making the whole thing a lot more difficult to get out of. I could view this as an experiment, instead of being attached to the outcome (being in a relationship). Yes, if it helps to view it as an experiment, I would say go with it. Take your time, it's not a race (typical avoidant lol). Avoidants need to gain speed, APs need to slow down with relationship thinking. The secure is in the middle space. (Let's get to know each other, can this person meet me somewhere in the middle). |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 16:28:37 GMT
So an alternative can be further contact, as a way to see how I react to violated boundaries/unmet needs/triggers. But like Jaeger said, with added vigilance! Mini-risks, but with the biggest risk being me becoming even more attached, and therefore making the whole thing a lot more difficult to get out of. I could view this as an experiment, instead of being attached to the outcome (being in a relationship). Dating does not equal relationships. I think splitting the two up mentally might help a bit. If you're dating FOR a relationship, you're in danger of shoehorning someone's personality into your relationship needs and bypassing clear signs of incompatibility. Get to know her first without fast tracking to relationship status. That in itself is a mini risk as it won't activate the attachment system as much as a relationship. Evaluate from time to time if and how to proceed. Thanks for this one again! I do need to learn splitting the two up. It is not necessarily the same thing. And yes, since I find myself switching from dating to experience things and learning about myself on the one end, and dating for a relationship on the other end, I see that problems usually arise when I go with the second intention. Good advice. As long as I view it this way (experiencing, dating, taking mini-risks), my attachment system should be lowered and I won't find myself in as much total risk. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 16:30:10 GMT
What about "the other woman" (not your mom)? The other woman I had a date with last week, the one I went skiing with? She asked me if I wanted us to meet again. I hesitated, but said yes. I suggested to meet next week, but she can't, so it will be the week after that again. |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 16:34:08 GMT
So an alternative can be further contact, as a way to see how I react to violated boundaries/unmet needs/triggers. But like Jaeger said, with added vigilance! Mini-risks, but with the biggest risk being me becoming even more attached, and therefore making the whole thing a lot more difficult to get out of. I could view this as an experiment, instead of being attached to the outcome (being in a relationship). Yes, if it helps to view it as an experiment, I would say go with it. Take your time, it's not a race (typical avoidant lol). Avoidants need to gain speed, APs need to slow down with relationship thinking. The secure is in the middle space. (Let's get to know each other, can this person meet me somewhere in the middle). I think I will go on with taking these mini-risks. As a learning experience. While keeping aside any idea of a relationship with her, because it seems very unlikely (unstable) anyway. If things don't turn out well, I could back off, or she might become a friend. |
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 16, 2018 16:37:55 GMT
Yes, if it helps to view it as an experiment, I would say go with it. Take your time, it's not a race (typical avoidant lol). Avoidants need to gain speed, APs need to slow down with relationship thinking. The secure is in the middle space. (Let's get to know each other, can this person meet me somewhere in the middle). I think I will go on with taking these mini-risks. As a learning experience. While keeping aside any idea of a relationship with her, because it seems very unlikely (unstable) anyway. If things don't turn out well, I could back off, or she might become a friend. What's this? Are you starting to keep your options open without jumping in head first? What have you done with the real alpenglow? 😂 Good job, mate. Keep it up! |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 16:43:06 GMT
Haha, you guys are funny. What's a bunch of avoidants (for the most part) done to me!  Thanks, everyone  |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 16:47:08 GMT
Haha, you guys are funny. What's a bunch of avoidants (for the most part) done to me! Thanks, everyone HA! If you don't like us, don't worry, we aren't hurt. We already forgot the pain |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 16:50:27 GMT
Haha, you guys are funny. What's a bunch of avoidants (for the most part) done to me! Thanks, everyone HA! If you don't like us, don't worry, we aren't hurt. We already forgot the pain alpenglow who? haha jkjk sincerely, God can someone please change the member status of this over-poster? 😑😣 |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 16:50:55 GMT
Hahaha, true, it's so easy for you, lucky bastards! It's good to be able to joke about our stereotypical attachment behaviours  |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 16:52:59 GMT
HA! If you don't like us, don't worry, we aren't hurt. We already forgot the pain alpenglow who? haha jkjk sincerely, God can someone please change the member status of this over-poster? 😑😣 That God status is hilarious!!! At first, I thought you typed that in, LOL |
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 16, 2018 16:52:59 GMT
HA! If you don't like us, don't worry, we aren't hurt. We already forgot the pain alpenglow who? haha jkjk sincerely, God can someone please change the member status of this over-poster? 😑😣 You do realize that we read all of your posts in Morgan Freeman's voice now, right? |
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 16, 2018 16:53:26 GMT
HA! If you don't like us, don't worry, we aren't hurt. We already forgot the pain alpenglow who? haha jkjk sincerely, God can someone please change the member status of this over-poster? 😑😣 Haha! Yes, please someone change it, or else unknown terrible things will happen! (worst case scenario for an AP). But then....it would mean that God abandonned us!! |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 17:03:56 GMT
alpenglow who? haha jkjk sincerely, God can someone please change the member status of this over-poster? 😑😣 That God status is hilarious!!! At first, I thought you typed that in, LOL mary, i saw that and thought someone was making funnif my arrogance and i was like “ok, i get it. 😂” |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2018 17:05:40 GMT
alpenglow who? haha jkjk sincerely, God can someone please change the member status of this over-poster? 😑😣 You do realize that we read all of your posts in Morgan Freeman's voice now, right? that’s as it should be. i type them in his voice also. 😂 |
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